In the Matter of Juliusando Akuato Contract (7 July 2025)

Tidings, 

Apologies on the delinquency of this message into the evening. We have sought and just acquired rights to this space for communications that will not be interrupted by Remo Stars in this matter and should subvert the political ongoings within your nation while we enquire as to the final details of the transfer. This space has been unused cyberspace and was aquired on an end encrypted basis. Trust the communication within will be confidential. 

We are set to activate the release clause into Juliusando Akuato's contract and will be submitting payment in the amount of GHC ₵2122069.65 to Ebusua Dwarfs. We plan to arrive in Cape Coast at 1330 GMT on 9th July, 2025 to faciliate the transaction via wire transfer to the club account. As agreed, we plan to arrive to complete the transaction just outside Cape Coast Sports Stadium, in the kitchen facility at "Yum Yard" (Abura Market Road). Having traveled the significant journey from Ikenne, please ensure availability of 7 "Fully Loaded Pack" ₵95 each - extra chili sauce) and Tigernut Juice ₵20 each) for all. 

We believe Akuato's release clause is straightforward, and should require no further negotiation with Nana Sam or any other Mysterious Ebusua representatives. We also understand the dubious nature of club finances at this time (as well as the political situation at hand) leading to a need to cleanly facilitate Akuato's extraction from Ghana and relocation to Nigeria promptly. The 2025-2026 campaign is set to begin swiftly 1 August, and if we have any chance to unseat Remo Stars and gain possession of the club we must ensure there are no setbacks here with Akuato. 

Follow up in person, and best wishes and safety on the political ongoings within and surrounding your ground. We must ensure the payment is succesful and both Akuato and the club representatives are safe.

Best,

Kanu

FC Enyugu Shooting Stars 

Gutey to Draft as Many as 12 New Cuties in April

Selection capital. It's the currency of the NFL. After the annual March player auction in which a group of good men are sold to (usually) the highest bidder, the world (the minority of US citizens who still watch the NFL) will turn its naked eyes to the annual selection special. This season is expected to be a special one for the Green Bay Packers, as new General Manager Brian "Gutey" Gutekunst

will have the opportunity to select as many as twelve (12) new cuties to the roster.

When a team has double digit selections in the annual selection meeting it is almost a given that its General Manager will be aggressive in moving up and down the selection meeting to acquire the cuties that best fit the scheme. In the Packers' case, General Manager Gutey is looking to make an aggressive play for a quarterback to put pressure on incumbent malcontent Aaron Rodgers, who is looking for a new contract that will cripple the Packers salary cap for years.

Thankfully, one of Josh Allen (prototypical Gutey Cutie)

 or Baker Mayfield (Green Bay darling and noted "Gutey Guy")

are fairly likely to be available when the Packers make their selection.

Both cuties are absolutely glove-like fits for Gutey and the Packers, as both are noted Trump supporters and gun advocated, which demonstrates their high character and ability to handle the pressure cooker that is Green Bay Wisconsin. While neither QB possesses the raw aura of a Josh Rosen, either are the perfect "Robins"

to Aaron Rodgers Batman

for the next three years. It is fairly well known that Aaron Rodgers enjoys cosplay, and is a noted Adam West fan. 

A cutie such as Allen or Mayfield could learn from Rodgers during the last two years of his contract and through one franchise tag year, before taking over in the last year of his rookie deal ripe for an extension as lead cutie on the Packers.

Some may argue that Rodgers is still in his prime, and there are bigger holes on the Packers defense, which could be filled by a cutie such as Iowa cornerback Josh Jackson or UTSA edge rusher Marcus Davenport. Indeed, in some scenarios the Buffalo Bills have contacted the Packers to offer up a scenario whereby both of these players could be wearing green and gold tights this fall. However, it is clear that the Packers' situation at QB can be described as "unsettled" at best, with lead cutie Rodgers a significant injury risk having missed 34.5% of his starts in the last 5 seasons. By stabilizing the position well into the future Gutey's cuties will be well positioned to save valuable salary cap dollars and compete at the same time.

Although the foregoing approach would upset current lead cutie Rodgers, keep in mind that the time the Packers became aggressive with the QB situation the net result was the lone Super Bowl victory (and appearance) of the introverted era (led by former General Manager Ted Thompson). Now is the time for Gutey's Cuties to put one leg into their tights at a time, adjust that cup and take a QB who is intelligent and ready to learn.

2005 is here again. It's time to throw on a remix of "My Humps"

and Goot Goot Goot for the home team . . . Gutey's Cuties. Make the right move Gutey, take Allen or Mayfield. The smark fans (and us here at Archie's bastares) are behind you with two hands.

Gute Gute Gute for the Home Team

Ted Thompson's reign of terror is over.

I'll start this off by saying that I'm one of "Gutey's Cuties." This hire was hands down the smartest move an NFL franchise has made in 500 years. Gutey is well known as the top evaluator of NFL and college talent in the league, and is extremely aggressive. 

I'm going to put this out there so that it is preserved for eternity . . . 

THE PACKERS WILL WIN SB LIII IN ATLANTA

I also want to acknowledge Archie Manning's Bastards key sponsor Gay Hooters. Without you guys backing us up I don't think we would have lasted all these years as the premier Green Bay Packers blog on the internet. Cheers.

Milwaukee Bucks Follow Up To The Previous Post

I've seen less than one Bucks game this year, but nobody pays me to do this, so you really shouldn't care.  If the Internets are about anything, they are about spewing uninformed opinions on things.  So I don't watch the Bucks, but growing up in Wisconsin, I DO care about their existence, and want them to do well.

So when UCSB brought up the NBA lottery to me, I immediately thought of what the Bucks were going to do.  I spend more time concerned about who the Bucks will draft than I do thinking about the actual season.  The Bucks have largely DERPed their way to .500 for the past 20 years, and have not drafted particularly well with their first pick (GREEK FREAK pending).  The NBA has also conspired against the Bucks (and most other small market teams) for years.  (See the 2001 Eastern Conference Finals #NEVERFORGET).  So here is what is bound to happen.  The Bucks will get whichever pick forces them to take the African Greg Oden, Joel Embiid.  He's tall.  Jabari Parker and Andrew Wiggins will go on to become legends.  The Bucks will be the 8th seed for the next decade.  David Stern will laugh from his grave. (He's dead right?)

May 20, 2014 - The NBA Draft Lottery Live on Pay-per-View and the WWE Network

Much has changed since we last put digital ink to Archie Manning's Bastards paper.  

2014 has sparked the formation of the foremost sports travel concierge in the industry: VIP Fan Experiences LLC (now accepting bookings for you and your group's sports vacation).  Further, Twitter stock rose, fell, rose again, and fell again, prompting people everywhere to question whether it truly will maintain prominence in the digital publishing industry.  

As the calendar turns to Spring, the NCAA tournament nears conclusion, the baseball marathon has begun, and the Masters is set to tee off without Tiger Woods (RIP); the basketeball and hockey playoffs are about to begin. This year's NBA playoffs will not include the Los Angeles Lakers, who are crashing to the bottom of the league standings set to begin a rebuild of questionable duration.  This very subject prompted a discussion yesterday on the train back from a White Sox game concerning the legitimacy of the NBA draft lottery, a process the Lakers will be taking part in for only the third time. Ever.  

The person I was discussing the aforementioned topic with was convinced that there was too much at stake for the NBA to rig the lottery, in the face of several suspicious outcomes from its very inception in the Patrick Ewing "frozen envelope" draft.  This same person also asked me if I feel that the NBA is fixed in the same manner as the WWE.  For the following reasons I concluded that the NBA is distinguishable from the WWE in that actual games themselves do not have predetermined outcomes, but that the draft lottery is either fixed or manipulated when the process leads to an undesirable business outcome:

The NBA and WWE are in the same core business: providing entertainment to their fans thereby increasing revenue for the company. Both are television programs driven by advertising revenue. 

The two businesses differ in that one has an interest in maintaining an integrity in the outcome of its competitions because research suggests that people would not watch if they knew the games themselves were fixed. The current audiences for the 4 major professional sports leagues are too large to risk the potential backlash that would come from fixing the outcomes of the actual contests themselves. 

Contrast this with professional wrestling in the 1970's and early 1980's. At that time the entire industry attempted to maintain a tongue in cheek aura of legitimacy but the industry as a whole was fragmented into regional promotions with no top-down regulation. Once the McMahon's gained control over the majority of the industry it had nowhere to go but up. So they brilliantly began to privately acknowledge the falsity of the outcomes while promoting the characters as legitimate athletes (they most certainly are). 2 entire generations of wrestling fans have grown up knowing (rather than merely speculating) that the outcomes are predetermined story lines scripted by television writers and the audience has increased. 

With the NBA's entire audience expected to believe the outcomes are real there is too much of a downside to fixing the actual games themselves. Rogue referees like Tim Donaghy and the like that have been linked to game fixing have done so for their own personal benefit, not on directive of the league. Likewise you do not hear any player (active or retired) intimating that he was directed to intentionally negatively impact the outcome of a game. 

As this relates to the draft lottery however, the legitimacy of the league is not compromised by fixing the draft lottery any more than it is by vetoing the Chris Paul trade. Both are black eyes on the credibility of the product, but nowhere near to the degree that manipulating the outcome of the game would be.  Contrary to what NBA spokespeople say, the league is not hiding the fact that the draft lottery is easily manipulable; and therefore implicitly acknowledges that it may not a 100% legitimate exercise. If it were, the entire process would be played out on live television just as the state lotteries are conducted. 

Conducting the process behind closed doors and only revealing the outcome in a packaged presentation allows for the elimination of undesirable outcomes and retrial if necessary. 

If you need hard evidence on whether the draft lottery is completely legitimate look no further than the fact that you cannot place a bet in Las Vegas or in an offshore sports book on who will "win" the number 1 pick in the NBA draft. That should tell you all you need to know. It is in the best business and entertainment interests of the league to occasionally manipulate the destination of players it perceives to be potential future stars.

I've shed 10,000 tears in the past 24 hours. All that I've been living for is gone.

R.I.P.

September 12, 1973 - November 30, 2013

We will forever miss you old friend.  Your star simply burned too bright.  

From all of us at Archie Manning's Bastards, thank you Paul Walker for enriching our lives through film.  

Warning hockey fans - FUCK DIRECTV

I don't know where else to vent, so I'll post on here so that I can guarantee no one will read it.

A couple months ago, I got fed up with Time Warner Cable and decided to make the switch to Directv (free NFL Sunday Ticket was good incentive).  Everything has gone well, until now.

We ordered the top tier package, known as the Premier Package.  We get ALL channels, including all the regional sports channels.  This excites me because that means we have Comcast Sports and almost all of the Chicago Blackhawks games.  The other day, I'm chillin watching the Blackhawks pregame show.  Then, precisely at 6:30 pm, the pregame show ends and the channel goes out.  On the screen they're telling me I'm not a subscriber to that channel.  I begin to scroll through other channels and find the broadcast of the game from the opponents' home channel.  I'm once again told I'm not a subscriber to that channel. 

I begin to understand what's going on here. 

I then check every channel that has an NHL hockey game on it, and none of them work but all the regional sports channels with random crap on work just fine.  I call Directv.  They say its a technical issue and they will have a technician call me and set up an appointment.  Well, this is not a technical issue, which is verified by the fact that as soon as the game is over, all those channels start working again.  Also, a technician never calls.

So, this same bullshit happened last night.  So I called again and told the first person that I need to speak to someone above her in the decision making process.  I finally get some other chick (for some reason I'd prefer to talk to a guy) and I tell her I just want someone to admit that they take these channels off the air during hockey games on purpose, and that purpose is to get people like me to subscribe to NHL Center Ice (the NHL version of the Sunday Ticket).  She eventually admits I'm correct.

I'm upset and not sure what to do.

I'm wondering if this will happen for every NBA and MLB game as well.  If it does, what's the point in having ANY of those regional sports channels?

GREG JENNINGS WINS WAR WITH PACKERS!

OMG This is such a sick burn bro! As a Packers fan, I can't do anything but give you credit where credit is due, and humbly surrender to the master. I really hope there is any way Jennings can allow the Packers to play out the season, and ride off into the sunset forever as a franchise and fanbase. Lesson learned. Lesson learned.

Weird Week For the Manning Family

I'm not sure if I should be excited for Archie Manning?  Feel sad?  Brace for a lawsuit?  The Manning children (less Cooper. My God look at that Google search.  Poor Cooper) are facing off for the fourth time this season (it feels like there is a Manning Bowl every other week.  It's nuts.).  So I imagine Archie will have some drinks and enjoy watching his successful kids try not to die.  The reason I feel bad is that my esteemed colleague Bear has let me know that despite a 2 year hiatus, a Google search for "Archie Manning" reveals that this site is still on the first page of results.  Meaning Archie hasn't done shit for awhile.  I'm not one to talk, a Google search for me probably results in a blank page.

Packers v. Redskins: Horseshoe Is Still Up My Ass

FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKK YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! This evening I will be meeting with an elderly gentlemen to either exchange money for Packers tickets, or get gutted like a fish.  Could go either way! My Craigslist stalking paid off in the form of reasonably priced tickets to the game Sunday.

My brother and I have a long and storied history of going to Packers-Redskins games.  We went to one game in 2007.  Packers won 17-14 on a 57 yard fumble return for a TD by Charles Woodson.  The highlight of the day was the drunken Redskin fan in a Chris Cooley jersey screaming at us all the way to our car about how we had a horseshoe up our ass. I'm not certain how luck had anything to do with beating a team that employed Jason Campbell as its starting QB, but whatever.  To this day, whenever I see anyone in a Redskin jersey I think of this asshole.

PREVIEW:  Pretty excited for this one.  I think the Packers have a pretty clear advantage when they have the ball, and RGIII is a shell of his healthy self at this point.  The Redskins are not going to take advantage of the Packers D like the 49ers did, both because they will be able to be more aggressive with RGIII than they were with Kaepernick because RGIII probably can't beat them by running this week, and because the Redskins simply aren't as good as San Francisco on offense even at full health.  I like the Packers 34-21.

SHIT TALKING:  I'm shocked that Bearflash may be paying for another Packers ticket without actually going.  He has a long and storied history of doing this.  It happened once in 2001.  Bear got shitfaced the night before the game, fell and smashed out his front teeth on a curb.  He was forced to have his teeth fixed instead of going to the game.  Good times were had by all.

REFRESHING!

The time is here again.  That time when I have the Craigslist Green Bay Tickets Classifieds open all week so that I can hit refresh every 10 minutes or so in order to get cheap Packers tickets.  It's actually a little bit embarrassing.  If I wasn't a cheap asshole, or if I didn't have a moral issue with paying people two or three times over face value for tickets, I could go to just about every game.  There is definitely value in going to Lambeau on Sunday afternoon that can't really be defined monetarily. I choose however, to arbitrarily put a ceiling on what I'm willing to pay, in order to avoid being broke or divorced.  On top of a ticket, a guy is easily paying $20 (on the very low end) to eat and drink, even if he's savvy enough to park for free like I am.  In addition to the money, your day is completely shot.  For a noon game, I'm leaving the house no later than 9am, and probably not getting home until at least 4:30.  That's a full day.  It's a fucking fantastic day, but it's nice to sit my fat ass on the couch and watch a full day of football too.  For that reason, I obsessively scour the Internet all week for good deals on tickets.  My system typically allows me to go to a game or two a year without severely overpaying to do it.  That's probably enough.  Since I'm never getting season tickets, it seems like a good way to go about doing it.

At this point, I'm probably not going to the game this weekend barring a change in circumstances.  The absolute cheapest I've seen is around $125, which is $50 over face value.  Shit is just a mess.  Not worth it to me.

PS. As I type this, I'm receiving tweets/texts about tickets available.  I got people watching.  Shit is intense. I gotta go check into some shit.

PPS. I've got a huge problem with dickheads who get 50 season tickets somehow, and then expect to make a $100 profit on every ticket every week.  And then don't go to the games.

PPPS. I've got another problem with people who don't care who they sell tickets to, and we end up with 10,000 Bears fans in Lambeau.

PPPPS.  There was little to no point in this post.  I'm sorry I wasted that one person's time that will read this.

Zombie AMB Update: I'm Still Fat

The other day the family and I (weird. I have like, my own family now.  I'm like Tony Soprano except not from New Jersey and my only crime is poor blogging and a hygiene problem) went to a local Mexican establishment for some bold nourishment, south of the border style.  We showed up around 7 p.m. on Monday, which is pretty late, and the place was basically empty except for a few barflys and like 5 waitresses.  We were seated at a table and we waited around 10 minutes for one of the teenage waitresses to stop talking or whatever the fuck they do and bring us some chips and take drink orders.  I'm going to cut to the chase, and unvail the point of the post, which is the top 4 awesome things the teenage waitress said to me:

1) After making us wait 10 minutes for no reason: "I'm sorry for the wait.  I was busy."  That's a period at the end of the sentence because there was no forthcoming reason why she was busy.  She didn't say "I was washing dishes." or "Nobody told me you were seated in my section." or "I was giving the cook a handy, while I did blow."  Nothing.

INTERLUDE: Thing my 8 month old daughter did: Jammed her hand into the pocket of the apron the waitress was wearing.  Presumably to steal her tips and/or find some food/blow that had fallen in there by mistake.  Daddy is teaching her well.

2) After offering to bring us a second basket of tortilla chips: "You guys were hungry!"

3) "Would you like more tacos? (it was unlimited taco night.  I had inhaled 4 tacos in about 3 minutes) My record is six."  I didn't really think much of it, other than I was mildly impressed she could eat 6 tacos as it was a teenage girl. I turned down the tacos because I was going to puke after the chips, tacos and 24 oz top shelf marg.  My wife immediately smelled out the real meaning, thinking she meant the most anyone had ever eaten.  I called bullshit as the tacos weren't that big.  She came back and my wife asked.  She said it was the most she's ever served anyone in one sitting.  That fucking whore.  Now I regretted not taking the tacos.

4) "I can offer you a free apple chimi for desert."  MY WIFE: "What is that?" TEENAGE WAITRESS: "It's a dessert we offer to people when we screw up."

The moral of the story is that teenage girls are assholes and call people fat.

A Packers Fan Ode To Jim Harbaugh (Zombie Archie Manning's Bastards)

Oh, hello! It has been over two years since I last posted anything here.  As I explained previously, Twitter savagely murdered the blog and its members.  I was reminded today that TWO posts have gone up since my last one in 2011.  I've resolved that never would three straight go up without one from me. Since twitter, and since our kid was born, I've had a tough time getting worked up enough to post something here.  Soooooo, what should I spend this short lunch break discussing?

• Nuclear Physics?
• The situation in Syria?
• Race relations?
• OJSFA?

No, no, those don't seem appropriate.  Ahhhh yes, the steaming pile of shit that is Jim Harbaugh.  /smells glass /rolls around the sweet liquid inside /takes a sip /spits in on the floor.  I'll take a case, please.

Have you ever seen someone try so hard to be a fucking prick as Jim Harbaugh?  He actively goes out of his way to be a dick to everyone he comes across.  You know what though? I'm sure he's a lovely man to his wife and family.  He has to be.  Because there is no way he could function so well in society if he was really as much of a dick as his public persona would make him appear.  So this leaves me with only one conclusion.  He's a FAKE.  A fucking fakey, fake, fakerton.  He's faker than a dude posting under an alias on a blog that was semi-popular amongst close friends 4 years ago, and then went away. 

Everything Harbaugh does is an act.  All the screaming.  All the spitting.  All the "calling out Clay Matthews for being a horrible human being because he made a dirty hit on your QB".  It's all so calculating that I'd almost have to give him credit for it if I didn't want Candlestick Park to collapse on him.

This isn't as good as I hoped it would be.  2 years is a REALLY long time.

July 13, 2011

Greetings from the year 2013.  So much has happened since this blog was last updated . . .

Fall 2011/Winter 2012:

-The Milwaukee Brewers got hot and find themselves in the NLCS, falling in 6 games to the hated Cardinals.

-Ryan Braun is caught using steroids the first time.

-Wisconsin football starts a 5th year senior who led them to a second consecutive Rose Bowl appearance, this one ending in a close loss to Oregon.

-The Green Bay Packers win their first 14 games in a row before losing first round pick Derrick Sherrod to a catastrophic leg injury which likely stunted his development into the best left tackle in the NFL until 2015.  The New York Giants defeated the top-seeded Packers in the divisional round of the playoffs and nobody remembers what happened afterward.

Spring 2012:

-John Carter becomes the top grossing movie in history (later usurped in August 2013 by R.I.P.D.)

-Gugennheim Partners purchases the Los Angeles Dodgers for just $2.1 billion dollars, a purchase that would lead to the Dodgers likely winning the 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2018, and 2019 World Series (the 2017 World Series is set to be cancelled due to lingering effects of the strike).

-Ryan Braun denies using steroids, claiming he was using herpes medication after his ego infected him.

-14 decaptitated bodies are found hung from a bridge in Nueva Laredo, Mexico.

Summer/Fall 2012:

-Ryan Braun wins the 2012 Tour de France, claiming the yellow jersey with a spectacular climb over the Alp Du Huez.

-The United States dominates the London Olympics, as Ryan Lochte outsmarts the competition.

-Barack Obama is elected President of the United States again, leading to four more years of famine, suffering and neo-communism.

-The Green Bay Packers start 1-2 before finishing 11-5, winning a wild card game vs. Minnesota, and weakly exiting to the San Francisco 49ers.

Winter 2013:

-Juice's kid was born.

-Dennis Rodman officially becomes ambassador to North Korea.  In a semi-related note, the power goes out at the Super Bowl, nobody remembers who won or who played.

-Steve Blake has his 5th child by 6 different women.

-Ryan Braun is linked to biogenesis.  Claims "truth hasn't changed."  This later proves absolutely correct.

-Former MLB catcher John Olerud tragically dies when hit in the head with a hot dog at a Marlins/Braves game after removing his trademark souvenir batting helmet.  Apparently he really does have an eggshell skull.

Spring 2013:

-Hugo Chavez dies, Obama weeps hysterically for weeks.

-Pope Francis elected by the Council of Cardinals.  7 year old boys everywhere weep hysterically for weeks after receiving a visit.

-Golfer Tiger Woods is assessed a two stroke penalty in the masters for brutally beating and raping an aspiring actress/pimento sandwich vendor at the Masters.

-Singer Justin Bieber is arrested on suspicion of sex with a deceased deer in Mankato, Minnesota.

That about catches us up to the present, where things get really weird:

-Aaron Hernandez is arrested on suspicion of murdering at least 27 people in Massachusetts and Connecticut between 2007 and 2013.

-The United States Supreme Court issues two rulings which strongly indicate that same-sex marriage is legal in the United States.

-Ryan Braun is arrested on suspicion of bombing the biogenesis clinic in Miami, Florida.  He is suspended from baseball for the rest of the 2013 season.

-A Sharknado annihilates a large portion of Los Angeles.  A Syfy movie documents the event and garners rave reviews.

Well, it's as if we never stopped updating this blog.  I'm really glad we were able to get caught up here. With the advent of twitter it's become harder and harder to sit down and post on the blog.  Hopefully we will have some further monumental events that require more in depth analysis.

KRod: The man, the myth, the legend

Immediately following the Some-Star Game last night, the Brewers acquired Francisco Rodriguez and cash in a trade for 2 players to be named later. Let's break this down a little bit shall we?

First of all, let's talk about the pieces.

KRod may not be in the prime of his career, but he is still a good reliever and will be an upgrade to our current bullpen, the biggest question is whether he is actually comfortable with coming in to a set up role. Sometimes closers, especially ones who are put there unwillingly, have issues with moving to that 8th inning slot. His contract is quite large, but the Mets ate 5 million of it in the trade and he has around another 5 million left for the rest of the year, so that will be a wash for this year and they will be able to buy out his contract at the end of the year for 3.5 million. There is a vesting clause for next year that I will talk about more in depth later.

The Brewers are sending over 2 players to be named at a later date. These are always fun guessing games for commenters and bloggers trying to speculate who might be available. Apparently the list is of 5 players and according to comments by Doug Melvin, none of those players would be considered top prospects in our farm system. It has also been said that the quality of these players will somewhat depend on how well Rodriquez performs for the remainder of the year. Hopefully that means the Mets were just looking to dump KRod's contract and didn't really care who they got back, they just wanted some bodies.

KRod just recently switched his agent to Scott Boras, on Monday in fact. With this switch came these immediate comments from Boras; “Francisco Rodriguez is a historic closer, he's not going anywhere to be a setup man.” and “Closers don't make good setup men. Does anyone want an unhappy setup man in their clubhouse?” Now one could read those comments and nod along and say, damn, KRod's gonna blow up in Milwaukee. But I'll take a different approach and it involves the little vested option for next year.

In KRod's contract, it states that if he finishes(not necessarily saves) 55 games this year, he will be vested for the next year at a salary of around 17 and a half million dollars. He has currently finished 34 games, so 21 to go. That will not happen. There is no way the Brewers will be saddled with that kind of money next for Francisco Rodriguez. This couldn't be happier news for Scott Boras and there's a reason KRod was sent to a team like the Brewers. You see, those quotes were made on Monday before this trade and after the announcement that Boras would be his agent, he knew the Mets wanted off the hook for that almost 18 million dollar vesting and that there was a very real chance they took him off his 9th inning duties if they couldn't move him. This was a hedge move by Boras, he would publicly remind the Mets that if they did decide to go this route, he could and would tell his client to shit the bed right then and there. Everyone else in the league would become blatantly aware of why KRod performed so poorly and it was because the Mets just screwed him out of 18 million. What does Boras have to gain from getting KRod out of that vesting? Well that's pretty obvious, Boras didn't negotiate this contract so he won't see a dime of the money and Scott Boras is not a man that works hard to get someone else paid.

For this reason alone, I think you will see a very happy and a very cooperative Francisco Rodriguez coming into the 8th inning and pitching as well as he can for the Brewers. A good showing will remind clubs next year that he can still close and that he is still under 30 and deserves a big 5 year contract. This will of course be a foolish contract. Rodriguez being the set up man for the remainder of the year also plays right into Boras' hands and you can bet this trade has made him very happy.

I like this trade for the Brewers, it's very little risk long term even if it is more of a psychological gain than an actual performance boost to our bullpen. We've made the first move in the NL Central and now the eyes will be on the Cardinals, Red and Pirates to match or shuffle forward.

Now we just need a new shortstop, wonder what JJ Hardy's doing in Baltimore?

State of the Brewers

Now is as good a time as any to give you my mid-season summary of the Milwaukee Brewers. I'm going to try to break it down an organized fashion. See Baseball Reference and Fan Graphs for all the stats. (Ed. Note: I wrote half of this a few days earlier, so some of the stats are a few days outdated.)

OVERALL: The team currently sits at 47-42, tied with the St. Louis Cardinals. The team has struggled as of late, losing 7 of 10, including blowing back-to-back five run leads. If you check out Baseball Reference's expanded standings, it is interesting to note that they are better record-wise, than they have actually played (BR has them at 45-44, 2 games behind Cincinnati and St. Louis). Based on my preseason, overly simplified expectations, I have the Crew 4 games behind the imaginary, playoff bound Brewers. I'm getting a little worried because of the way they have been losing. But, if you told me they would be tied for first 99 games in, I would take it. Baseball is just a frustrating game.

1B: Prince rates as the 9th best player in the NL based on WAR, and 2nd best 1st basemen (behind Votto). No problems here. He's been great. Defensively, he is still below replacement, but he is a beast at the plate.

2B: Weeks is the 18th best player in the NL and the best 2nd baseman. Can't argue with that. Even though it feels like he has improved his defense, he is actually WORSE than Fielder defensively based on his position, which is a little surprising.

SS: Yuni is fucking terrible. He is a -.4 WAR, which means he is WORSE than someone that you could walk onto any AAA team to get. He is fucking terrible on defense, where he is on pace to COST the Brewers 17 runs due to his defense this year (for comparison sake, Hart is predicted to SAVE 8 runs, and nobody would accuse him of being good). Batting wise, his OPS is .612 (league average is .703), and his OPS+ is 67 (100 is typically considered average, and adjusts his OPS number for ballpark factors). The bottom line is that he is fucking terrible in every aspect of the game. To top it off Roenicke has hit him FIFTH two recent games. If the Crew doesn't play someone else at SS for at least 1/2 of the rest of their games, they cannot possibly make the playoffs without being damn near perfect everywhere else. The solution is really not on the roster I don't think. Josh Wilson has been better than anyone else, but I think that is probably due to a small sample size than anything. However, as bad as Yuni has been, I can't imagine it would be too costly to get someone better. Even if that someone isn't great himself.

3B: McGehee has been worse than Yuni if that is even possible. The only reason it is hard to give up on him is because he had never been this bad before (whereas Yuni has always been bad). But this can't continue. Statistically he is arguably FAR worse than Yuni. Again, Wilson has been decent, but not decent enough to play both 3B and SS at the same time, and he probably isn't a starter. We need to get a 3B too probably. (Ed. Note: He hit a game winning, pinch hit 3 run homer two days ago. He still sucks).

LF: Braun is the 3rd best player in the NL (Behind Matt Kemp and Andrew McCutheon, again based on Wins Above Replacement). He is a stud. Interestingly, he is above replacement defensively, but I don't think WAR is a great indicator of defense especially in the outfield. I'm in love with him in a probably not sexual way.

CF: The Gomez/Plush combo is awesome to watch. Probably the two most exciting players to watch on the team, because you have no idea what is going to happen at any given moment. Gomez may overrun 3rd on the triple and break his neck falling into the dugout, or jump over the CF wall to make a catch. Plush may hit 5 triples (Plushdamentals!), or murder the home plate umpire. Offensively, there is no contest here. Plush has been nothing short of great offensively, while Gomez is nothing short of terrible. Defensively, Gomez has been spectacular. His defense is so good, that he nearly makes up for how bad he is offensively. For that reason, I don't have a huge problem with a 70/30 or so split (with Plush given the nod where there is a question). If I had to have one it would be Plush, but Gomez is a guy that can play some.

RF: Hart has been serviceable. It doesn't feel like he's been serviceable, because of how good he is when he is good, and because it looks like he's drunk and not trying when he plays bad.

C: Lucroy has struggled defensively, but he's been slightly above average offensively. For a catcher, I actually have some confidence in him when he bats, which is saying a lot. Also, banged Randy Wolf's wife.

Bench: Josh Wilson is the only bench player that adds anything to this team. Kottaras is a back-up catcher not named Wil Nieves, so he gets a pass, and occasionally runs into one, so he stays. Gamel has nothing else to do in the minors, and has gotten no legitimate shot yet, so he stays too. If you want to use a roster spot for a defensive replacement not named Carlos Gomez, Counsell has some value, but he should never face a major league pitcher again. Kotsay is simply awful in every aspect, and has obviously blackmailed Roenicke into his absurd amount of playing time (Including continuing to start in LF with Braun out and batting 5th for no reason). Brandon Boggs should be on this team in place of Kotsay. There is probably someone on the streets that is at least as good as Counsell.

Starting Pitching: I'm down with our starting pitching. There isn't one guy out of the five I would replace. Marcum has been tremendous, Yo, Wolf and Narveson have had a few hiccups, and a few gems, but overall, pretty good.

Greinke has been frustrating, but I'm here to tell you that he is pitching much better than it looks and than what his ERA (5.66) shows. I'm here to tell you that his strikeout per 9 innings of 11.72 is absurd. That his 1.84 walks per 9 innings is absurd. That he has been ridiculously unlucky. Case in point, there are two "advanced stats" that try to take the effects of fielding out of the equation when evaluating a pitcher. One stat is called BABIP, which stands for Batting Average for Balls in Play. The theory is that by taking BB/K/HR out of the equation, and measuring the results of the remaining balls hit into play over a long period of time, you can approximate if a pitcher is good/bad/or just unlucky, in a given year. Historically, the average BABIP is around .300, meaning about 30% of non-homeruns end up as hits, and most players will fall or rise towards the average in a given season. Greinke's career average is .309. This year it is .341, which is really high for him. What this means is that in the future, is that less balls should fall for hits than normal going forward. That or the the defense will completely fuck him over. But I tend to think positively (right?).

The other stat is xFIP or Expected Field Independent Pitching. Basically, xFIP takes the fielding component out of pitching entirely and only counts things a pitcher can control: walks, strikeouts, hit by pitches and home runs. Through a formula, it then calculates how good a pitcher is on an ERA scale based on what the ERA should look like if everything else (defense, timing) was average. It is widely known to be the best predictor of future performance for pitchers. In 2010, the MLB average was 4.23, which I think, if you know about ERA, is pretty average. Zack Greinke's xFIP in 2011 is 2.16, which is fucking incredible. How incredible? The second best starter in MLB is Roy Halladay, who has a 2.42. Cole Hamels is third with a 2.66. So Zack has been INCREDIBLY unlucky, and INCREDIBLY good so far. It just hasn't turned into results...yet. If these stats mean anything at all, its that Zack could be looking at a 2008 Sabathia-type second half.

Relief Pitching: I don't have any major complaints about anyone in the bully right now. The only complaint would be the manager's use, which I will get to in a minute. I think we are fine as currently constructed. Ax is a beast, rest of the bullpen is normally pretty above average.

Manager: Ron Roenicke is a mystery wrapped inside a conundrum. On one hand, I LOVE that he has a more aggressive attitude, at least insofar as he allows/encourages being aggressive on the bases. It has benefited us for the most part, and if nothing else is really fun to watch. He seems like a likable guy, and isn't a boring guy to listen to. It is possible that he feels likable, because for the most part, the team has been fairly successful. I imagine I would like him a lot less if the team was 5 games under .500.

My beef with Run-Run is the same beef I seem to have with all managers. I HATE his use of the bullpen, and his rationale behind it ("He's my 8th inning guy."). And I HATE his irrational love for certain players, when those players deserve no love (Kotsay, Yuni). The most infuriating thing to me is how he pitches Loe in every game no matter what (probably a slight exaggeration). Loe is clearly capable of getting guys out in the right situation, and has done it for long stretches at a time. But sometimes his sinker doesn't sink, or he goes up against a bunch of lefties in a row even though he clearly can't get left handers out. I'm sure bullpen management is harder than it looks, and the bullpen isn't going to win every game. But you can't give answers like: It is the 8th inning and Loe is my "8th inning guy", after you put him in against 3 straight left handers and they all hit the cover off the ball. He's gotta be flexible.

In the end, I'm on board with Ron for now. But mostly because they have won two in a row.

SUMMARY: After the research, I feel our biggest issue is the left side of the infield, McGehee and Yuni. Something has to be done there. I'm not advocating spending a ton of money/prospects on a blockbuster fix, because frankly I don't think we have either. However, I don't think we can continue to run Yuni and Casey out there for a majority of the games and survive. In Prince's last year, continuing on the "all in" movement requires us getting at least one player that doesn't suck, and plays 3B or SS, and can play every day. If we don't, I think this effort will be wasted.

Drunken Brewers/Twinkie Preview

In about 2 1/2 hours, I'm embarking on my most ambitious tailgating venture ever as I take off to Milwaukee to watch the Brewers take their second straight from the Twinks. It is my most ambitious ever because we are bringing a table. Otherwise it is the same as any other. Regardless, myself, Mrs. Juice, Sports Bottle, the soon to be Mrs. Sports Bottle, Richard and friends are going to get fucked up and enjoy the ridiculous weather. I put the over/under on number of innings I remember at 6.5. I put the over/under on inning Richard passes out at 7.5. Fun will be had by all.

One quick side note: U.S. is playing Mexico in some fake soccer tournament tonight. While I am aware of it, I would never make plans around watching it, or probably even think to watch it when it was on. I guess I'm in the minority though because according to ESPN.com, of like 129,000 voters, 39% are the most excited about this match vs. 4 other sporting events (MLB, NASCAR, CWS, Wimbledon). While that isn't exactly a murderers row, I'm SHOCKED that a relatively meaningless soccer match won.

Can't Fix Stupid

I sort of vowed to not blog about Favre ever again, because I feel like there was a clear "winner" in the whole shitstorm, but I'm still pissed about this.

It has been pretty well documented how I feel about Brett Favre. It has been well documented how I feel about the Green Bay Packers. After Aaron Rodgers put up one of the single best performances in Super Bowl history en route to a Super Bowl title, and Favre took a picture of his cock, texted it, and had his career ended by concussion, I had sort of assumed that it would be pretty impossible for someone to call themselves a Green Bay Packer fan, and like Favre more than you like Rodgers.

Well, three days ago I ran into this person. Two of them actually. The only thing that prevented me from throwing a drink in their face, or stabbing them, was the fact that they were my wife's relatives and I was at a family reunion. Someone actually sat there and told me, fucking seriously, that they liked Favre more, always will, and they actively DISliked Rodgers. I was fucking astounded. My wife also gets angry about this, so she nicely pushed the issue a little, while I nearly broke my own finger cracking my knuckles.

Here is what this dumb bitch said: "Favre is the greatest player ever.", "Rodgers is an arrogant asshole." "Rogers doesn't know how to keep it in his pants. I live in Green Bay, I would know".

These opinions apparently equal: Love Favre, Hate Rodgers. Fucking idiot. Not only are these statements irrelevant, they probably apply to BOTH. I can't really argue if you think Rodgers is arrogant. I personally think cocky is probably more accurate, or confident, but if you want to say arrogant, I will give you that. I don't know whether Rodgers "keeps it in his pants" (By the way, I also live in Green Bay, which doesn't give you inside knowledge of Packer players and their sex lives. And trust me when I tell you this chick doesn't have friends hot enough to be in the same room as a Packer player.), but if I was him, (single, rich) I wouldn't either. Favre is pretty clearly not the greatest player (an argument could have been made he is among the greatest Packers, until the last three years happened). Favre's INability to "keep it in his pants" was both legendary in Green Bay, and evident NOW.

Which is really why I have a problem with this. You are really going to pick Favre over Rodgers on fucking MORAL ground, after what Favre did to the city, franchise, fans, and Jenn Sterger??? And after Rodgers fairly quietly went about winning a motherfucking Super Bowl THIS YEAR? I don't get it. But feel free to take your ugly ass kids and dress them up in fucking Favre gear for fucking school pictures (for real) every year. I hope someone kicks their asses, you fucking rotten toothed fat bitch.

THE END

Dear Diary

Hi. It has been awhile. I've been busy tweeting everything that comes to mind before I have time or the desire to blog anything. Blogging is much more fun when ANYONE else joins in. And I've been kind of busy. If you are at all interested in anything I say, you should probably follow me on twitter @Juicelaw_WI.

I had to chime in on a few things that were to cumbersome to tweet. I went to a shitty wedding last night. First of all, Friday weddings are fucking rude. Second, if I'm not IN the wedding, or didn't go to college with the person who is getting married (and hence plan to get super fucked up), weddings are terrible. This particular wedding was a wife's co-worker whom I barely know. Anyway, food was good, conversation was awkward, blah blah blah. Beer was free but the keg was all fucked up so you ended up with 80% foam no matter what you did, but I wasn't drinking much anyway, as I was designated driver. What was insane was the music. The DJ was awful. He literally had a fucking pile of something called COMPACT DISCS. I was pretty certain that this wasn't Russia or 1998, so I had no fucking idea what he was doing. There was like a 40 second dead spot between every song as he loaded up his Discman or whatever the fuck he was doing. He played every shitty wedding song you can imagine, plus Nickelback. But for some reason he played "Axel F" aka the Beverly Hills Cop theme song, which was great, but had no words and confused the multiple people a) in cowboy hats and b) that had never heard of Beverly Hills Cop. Oh, and the DJ's name was "Gizmo" which led me to make about 743 "Gremlins" jokes. (Oh! Oh! Someone got the DJ wet! Fuck! Is it midnight already? Who fed the fucking DJ!) That was the best part of the wedding. That is all, I just had to get that off my chest because it was awkward.

OTHER BULLETTY POINTY THINGS

-Brewers are finding out real quick that the AL fucking sucks to play against when you have an NL roster. Doesn't help when Marcum gets hurt in the first. I'm honestly hoping to get one here. In case you are wondering, my preseason prediction had the Crew 2 games ahead of where they currently sit. I'm not worried, I'm just saying. Also, Jonathan Lucroy fucked Randy Wolf's wife.

-Headed to Brew City next Saturday to get drunk with Sports Bottle and to watch the Crew beat the Twins.

-The Packers Super Bowl rings are gigantic.

-Went to a country concert at Lambeau last weekend. It was fun. My neighbor's wife got punched in the face by a Hooter's girl and my brother in-law got picked up by a police officer while trying to walk the 8 miles from Lambeau to my house. I would totally do it again.

Whoa.

This morning I had a post planned out in my mind based on my work at a beer stand last night. Then I open up my laptop to find that The Vest has resigned amid the shitstorm at Ohio State. It isn't that often that anything makes you stop and say "Whoa." in sports anymore. But the resignation of one of the most famous football coaches at one of the biggest universities in the country will make you do that. My sincerest hope is that a whole bunch of players go down with him and that Ohio St needs a year or two to reload. Because Buckeyes are terrible human beings. That is all.

What I was going to post about today is how people are assholes. This shouldn't come as much of a surprise. If you've dealt with anything resembling a human in your lifetime, you will realize that people are assholes. Also, they are fucking cheap. I never considered myself a big spender. In the grand scheme of things, I would probably say that I lean towards being cheap because that is how I was brought up. However, after last night, my eyes have been open to cheap, inconsiderate assholes, and I have gained a greater appreciation for bartenders.

Last night I bartended at a festival in the city I live in. I was doing it for charity. I didn't get paid (other than I got a little free food and all the beer I wanted to drink. And I was too busy to drink much). All tips went to charity. My wife and I both donated six hours of time on a beautiful holiday weekend to help raise some money. And we were BUSY. Really running our asses off all night. When I say "bartend", I mean I opened cans of beer, and poured tap beer. I wasn't making mixers or anything. So anyway, when I order a drink at a bar. Whether that is at a festival or a bar, I tip. I had assumed this was a normal response. If my beer is $3.50, and I give a $5, I will usually leave the change as a tip. At the very least I would leave a $1 every time I order a drink. I had assumed that was common courtesy. But I guess not. I am willing to bet that I probably served 500 or so beers myself last night. I bet 10 people tipped. Fucking ridiculous. Just mind-boggling to me. I suppose this means that these people are like this everywhere, and that myself and my ilk are generally speaking, "big tippers". Anyway, people are cheap dicks.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that despite the large garbage barrels, which were emptied about every 10 minutes. I had to don rubber gloves and pick up thousands of empty beer cans because the people that didn't tip couldn't be troubled to throw away their own fucking garbage.

As for my new found respect for bartenders. People are impatient dicks. It is impossible to know as a bartender to know who was "there first" when there is hundreds of people waving cash at you for five straight hours. I'm not going to give bartenders attitude any more. I'm not going to be that bitch that says "Um, Hellllloooooo!!! Is nobody serving this line or what????" My response? "I don't see any lines lady, I will get to you in a minute." Then I purposely go to someone else next. Did I mention I got almost no tips?

MOVIE REVIEWS FOR MOVIES YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY SEEN

"The Fighter": Pretty awesome. I don't think Mark Wahlberg has been in a bad movie. If Christian Bale has, I can't recall that either. Definitely should see it if you haven't. Also, no boxing movie has ever sucked.

"No Strings Attached": A chickflick special! As chick flicks go, it could've been worse. The premise is stupid, but there were moments that made me chuckle. I don't hate Ashton Kutcher even though I probably should. And Queen Amidala is in it. If your wife/girlfriend is going to force you to watch a shitty movie, you could do worse.

DRINK OF THE WEEKEND

Large plastic cups filled with Bicardi Limon and Sprite.

ANTI-DRINK OF THE WEEKEND

MGD 64 Lemonade. Fucking terrible.