Saturday, June 12, 2010


So, I just finished with my Gyro Kabobs meal, so I'm going to put that full pound of what is allegedly lamb meat to good use. I'm going to do a running commentary of USA v. England soccer. A few notes before we start. I'm not certain I've sat through a whole soccer game from start to finish. I may have, I just don't recall. And I only have a loose understanding of the rules.

Also, this should probably be a whole post, but I just wanted to quickly get the Nebraska to Big 10 out of the way. Great addition. Good fit. Football is probably on par with Wisconsin, with the potential to be better. The basketball program is fucking awful. The baseball program is good, but UW doesn't have one so nobody really cares. The biggest thing is that I will have no problem hating Nebraska, and they are probably now my least favorite team. See, I lived in Nebraska for three years. Nothing was more fun that rooting against Nebraska on Saturday afternoons. Nebraska football in Nebraska= Green Bay Packers in Wisconsin. So that should give you an idea of how out of control their fans are. The best time to grocery shop was during a Husker game because the streets were ghost towns. Except bars. Those were packed. 'Sker football is life to the state of Nebraska. It is annoying as fuck if you live there. And I have hated Nebraska since the days of Tommie Frazier. Finally, the basketball rivalry with Creighton (where I went to proctology school) was fun, and gave me another reason to hate them. In closing, I fucking hate Husker Nation, and I hope they never win another game.

And who is next? Texas? Notre Dame? Rutgers? They need four more I think. NCAA Football '11 is already outdated (sort of) and it won't hit stores for a month. I guess this gives me a reason to upgrade from '07 next year. And my plans to buy College Hoops this year will need to be delayed a year I guess.

Now onto soccer.

12:39- Those horn things are awful. Am I going to have to listen to those the whole game?

12:40- Why is it England? Is England technically a country? Shouldn't it be Great Britain? Or the United Kingdom? And why is it only this way for soccer? In basketball and in the Olympics it is Great Britain. I need this explained.

12:41- Players that I could pick out of a lineup: Landon Donovan, and maybe Wayne Rooney.

12:42- ESPN is solely responsible for me watching this, and actively looking forward to the game.

12:45- How random is it that this game is in South Africa?

12:46- Prediction: England 1, U.S.A. 0. And I don't get sold on soccer.

12:54- This game is never going to start.

1:00- "Less than a half hour to kickoff". Fuck you ABC.

1:15- I think Russell Brand is funny. Although he pretty much just plays himself in every movie I think.

1:16- Busted. ESPN is replaying shit from last night. Either that or Alexi Lalas has a photographic memory. Because he just word for word repeated what I saw last night in his prediction. Maybe there is a global conspiracy in telling us this is live, and maybe it is like Tuesday in South Africa right now.

1:18- I would consider watching "The Last Airbender". I would not consider watching the game show that throws things off a building. It looks awful.

1:21- What kind of person risks it and flys to South Africa to watch soccer? I dunno, the fact that like 10 million people have full blown AIDS is probably enough to scare me away. I think any place I have to take like 12 shots before I go means I probably don't want to go there.

1:22- I hate that English people call sports "Sport". It is annoying.

1:23- Those horn things sound like bees. Really off putting. At least they probably don't have to worry about getting hit with bags of piss like in Mexico.

1:24- Stadium looks kind of small.

1:25- What exactly does a soccer coach do? I've never really understood how you can differentiate a good from bad player. Which is why little kids play it over baseball and basketball, because they can suck and nobody notices.

1:26- Oh Christ. National anthems yet?

1:27- Wayne Rooney was not singing England's anthem. Almost none of the Americans are singing. Ungrateful fucks. And aren't you supposed to put your hand over your heart and not dance around with flags like the assholes in the stands?

1:28- Is it a rule that you have to paint your face and wear a flag on your head to go to a soccer game?

1:29- Huh. 12 on 12. News to me.

1:30- Why did the captians trade shit before the game? Do they share orange slices at half time?

1:30- So the U.S. only had 11 on their "lineup" picture, and England had 12. It looks like there may only be 11 on 11. How little do I know about this sport?

1:33- Offsides penalty. I have no idea what that means. Everyone just seems to be running around aimlessly.

1:34- GOAL! For England. Limey fucks. I'm not sure it even looked that hard to do.

1:36- Is it even possible to come back? I'm being serious. One goal in soccer is like 12 runs in baseball.

1:40- So I guess a corner kick is good? The U.S. goalie is pissed.

1:41- Oooh. The England goalie had to catch a ball. That should be worth like a half a point.

1:43- Is there a time limit on how long to kick a corner kick? They just keep running "plays" or whatever over and over. It seems like in bounds plays in basketball. And the Amercians stepped on their dicks.

1:46- Another offsides. And I still don't get it.

1:52- Apparently, Jay DeMerit from the U.S. team is from Green Bay. Hey, how bout that?

1:54- Relegation is a cool idea. What if the Detroit Lions got relegated to the UFL and the Las Vegas Locos got to come to the NFL. That would certainly make Detroit's December games more exciting.

1:56- Yellow card! It seems to be a bit like a technical foul in basketball. Announcer said it was for "persistent infringement". Always a dick? Why is the U.S. getting this free kick thing now? Because of the yellow card?

1:58- You know what I just realized? There are no commercials. Kind of nice.

1:59- The U.S. goalie is rolling around like he's been shot. I think he got kicked diving for a ball. It appeared to be a nice play on his part. Color me skeptical of how bad he is really hurt tough. No soccer player rolls around and doesn't get back up after he gets attention.

2:01- And the clock just keeps running. This is the thing that is odd about their time. They just add the time to the end of the half, without any real explanation of how long the time is extended. It seems random.

2:02- Back is getting sore already. Not a good sign since there is about an hour of game time left.

2:02- After a three minute delay, the goalie is miraculously fine.

2:09- Yellow care on U.S. for no reason.

2:10- GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLL!!!! "One of the softest goals you will ever see at this level of football" Says the announcer. The goalie just couldn't grab it. It was almost comical. 1-1.

2:12- "A huge mistake at any level" says the other announcer.

2:13- They are already discussing the other goalie as if this English goalie is going to be murdered after the game.

2:14- "If you buy a ticket, sometimes you win a raffle." --says English announcer while watching another replay.

2:15- During the replay a bomb must've went off, because there are two English players rolling around as if they are full of shrapnel. I bet they are up sprinting in the next 90 seconds.

2:16- And they're up.

2:17- I'm actually sort of enjoying this. Mostly the pretty colors. But it is entertaining I guess. It feels important. Alot more important to me than a Super Regional NCAA baseball game, which is my current other choice.

2:18- ALOT of running for very little result, which is why I never played. That and my high school didn't have a team.

2:19- Another offside that I don't get.

2:20- Halftime I guess.

2:35- And we're back. Halftime is short in soccer. Those fucking horns are still going.

2:38- A couple of near goals for England.

2:39- The noise is just unreal. There are the horns, but then it sounds like a high school marching band is going on in the background as well. How is this enjoyable?

2:40- Some other offside. I still don't get that call.

2:41- Oh wow. Break away for England. ROBBED by the U.S. Goalie.

2:45- England's coach looks like a prick. Also, he is wearing a suit and the U.S. coach is wearing a windsuit. Is Bob Bradley the Bob Huggins of soccer?

2:46- Bocanegra= black mouth?

2:48- Another yellow card for England. U.S. guy has been shot. To be fair, it looked like it hurt. And he's up.

2:49- Another shooting of a U.S. player. And another yellow card. Got kicked in the thigh. Probably hurt. He'll be fine. Free kick at close range.

2:51- No dice.

2:52- Oooh. A bleep. Must've been a bad word. How long do you think it takes the satellite feed to get here? A minute? Less? More?

2:53- Corner kick for England. Near make.

2:54- I find alot less to comment on because there are no commercials. And commercials are gold.

2:55- Holy shit. U.S. guy burned the English guy down. Hit the cross bar.

2:56- Can't continue with blood ala the NBA. Didn't know that.

3:02- Yellow card on U.S. Don't know why.

3:04- Oh shit. Perfect pass to England dude, wide open shot. Stoned!

3:05- Another dangerous shot. Big save by U.S.

3:06- RE: the clock. Wouldn't it be easier to count down like every other sport, and if someone gets hurt, STOP the clock?

3:13- England just fucked up a 4 on 2

3:20- Extra time.

And it finished as a tie. 1-1. Good times.


Unkown Blogger said...

"The last airbender" is based off of the cartoon Avatar, but the deal breaker for me is that it is directed by M. Night Worstdirectorevermcplottwisterson, but I would go see it only if Danny Devito plays a "Lead Extra" as a corpse like on an episode of Always Sunny

Unkown Blogger said...

Also, Howard got broken ribs when he made that play, but the vuvuzelas and the horrific injuries cured by the mysterious spray are more than a little annoying, its part of the game soccer players are pussies...

Bear said...

It's not that they're pussies, it's just if you wanna make sure you get your call, you flop and since there are rules against flopping, they have to stay down and make it look like they were hurt. I've seen just as many flops in the Finals this last week.

Also offsides is a very easy concept, not counting the goalie, you cannot be behind the last defender before the ball leaves your teammate's possession. Basically you can't cherry pick. Now your teammate can clear the ball deep and if you're faster than that last defender, you can run past him while the ball is in the air, you just can't start behind him before that.

There's some crazy exception to the rule when the goalie leaves the box, that's what happened in the Mexico - South Africa game when Mexico had a goal disallowed.

Fuzzy said...

My sources have explained to me that Great Britain, or United Kingdom, consists of England, Wales, Scotland & Northern Ireland. In the Olympics they all play together as Great Britain. When it comes to soccer they each have their own separate teams. So there are teams from Wales, Scotland, England and Northern Ireland each trying to qualify for the World Cup. England was the only one of those four to make it. Basically instead of all coming together and dominating they would prefer to not win. They're british. What can you expect?