Sunday, May 15, 2011

This Is An Emergency Blog Post

My wife left me to go to a conference. I'm sitting home alone. A few weeks ago I recorded "Masters of the Universe" on my DVR. I was a huge He-Man fan growing up in the 80's, and I had never seen the movie. Plus, Dolph Lundgren plays He-Man. Anyways, I'm sitting here watching it, and it is so absurd that I needed to start a sort of live blog on it.


-He-Man is played by Dolph Lundgren, which is awesome.

-Skelator, who is the main bad guy, has the Sorceress held hostage. Also, he is clearly wearing a bad rubber mask.

-Perhaps I don't recall He-Man as well as I thought, but there are dudes with lasers everywhere.

-Oh, and there is some kind of space portal deal that sent He-Man and friends to Earth. Hilarity ensues. Oh, and Courtney Cox is the main human character.


-A cop, played by the guy who plays the asshole principal in Back to the Future, takes the "cosmic key", which is the thing that lets them travel around space. He-Man shows up in his briefs and giant sword at a record store, because everyone in present day earth thinks it is a "synthesizer". Also, it is 1987.

-"Good guys" hide in a record store (again, 1987) when the bad guys show up. Also, the bad guys are just storm troopers dressed in black suits. This movie is a "Star Wars" ripoff. It is probably the same actors shooting the lasers.

-The guns themselves look like the Lazer Tag guns from the 80s.

-There is a troll looking thing.

-Cop is the asshole guy that doesn't understand the fact that there are aliens shooting fucking laser beams, and tries to threaten Courtney Cox's boyfriend with "850 years in prison", then tackles him to try to take his gun even though He-Man was clear what he wanted to happen. No doubt the asshole cop is going to fuck this up.

-Skelator's main bitch (Evil-Lyn) disguised herself to look like Courtney Cox's dead mother and asks for the cosmic key. Courtney Cox was a dumb bitch and fell for it. Oh oh!

-Oh shit. Skelator just showed up in 1987 with like 10,000 storm troopers and a hover-craft/throne thing with a bunch of blinky lights on it!

-By the way, Skelator's bitch is named Evil-Lyn. And she's evil.

-Some of the storm troopers have flying surfboards now!

-I think they stole the troll guy from "Leprechaun" or "Willow".

-Now He-Man is on a flying surfboard, and the special effects are horrendous.

-I just realized that there has been about a half an hour laser gun-fight in the streets of this town, and there hasn't been a single citizen to be seen other than Courtney Cox, her boyfriend and the cop.

-Oh shit, He-Man just swooped in and grabbed the key from that bitch. The chopped a stormtrooper in half with his sword.

-The good guy chick that was with He-Man looks exactly like the fighting whore chick from "Total Recall". I just imdb'd her. She was not in Total Recall. But she was in The Last Boy Scout.

-Skelator is just chillin on his hovercraft. Just told He-Man to join him and save his friends, or die with them. And he does. I bet Skelator kills them anyway. Word? He didn't kill them. Weird.

-Skelator, He-Man and the million storm troopers go through their black hole thing back to Eternia. The others are stuck in 1987.

-The troll and Courtney Cox's boyfriend are using a keyboard to fix the cosmic key because the cosmic key uses keyboard sounds to open up black holes to other planets.

-Skelator is torturing He-Man with a laser whip.

-Skelator is so obviously Emporer Palpatine.

-Some shit happened with Skelator and now he is wearing some kind of mask/crown thing that looks like the hindu god thing (can't think of the name). And his eyes are glowing yellow. Pretty bad ass I guess.

-The keyboard thing worked and now the rest of the good guys (and the cop) end up in Skelator's throne room.

-Skelator tries to kill He-Man with a lightning bolt, and He-Man just leans away and Skelator zaps his chains off. Then as Skelator keeps trying to shoot lightning bolts, He-Man keeps pulling storm troopers in front of them.

-I had Topperstix for dinner.

-For the first time, He-Man grabs his sword and says "I have the power!" And Skelator just kind of watches. Now, lights went out save for a random spotlight that Skelator keeps nearby to randomly change colors, and the two have their final battle. Somehow all the storm troopers and good guys stop fighting and disappear. They totally, absofuckinglutely copied the Skywalker/Vader light saber fight, and then copied the scene where Obi-Wan(?) falls down the giant hole and screams all the way down to his death. Might have been someone else, but definitely a Star Wars scene.

-So Skelator is dead, all is safe. Everyone give their good byes. The cop decides he is just going to stay in Eternia and live in Castle Greyskull. And he picked up some random hot chick. Why not? I guess he will just eat alien food and his human body will adjust.

-And Courtney Cox wakes up in her bed. Wearing a nightgown that goes from her neck to her ankles and is long sleeved. And her parents are suddenly alive even though they died in a plane crash.

The End. You know? Maybe it wasn't that bad. It was cheesy. But throw on a 1987 movie and find one that isn't cheesy as shit. Especially when it actually took place in 1987. I'd never watch it again, and I wouldn't necessarily recommend that you waste an hour and a half either. That was fun I guess.

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