Friday, October 30, 2009
Stream of Consciousness
You know what isn't good? Diet Canada Dry ginger ale. First, it is Ginger Ale. Second, it tastes like watered down Ginger Ale. I don't know why I opened it. It sucks.
My "Weekend Off"
This weekend was going to be a weekend to rest a little, lay on the couch, perhaps do some yard work that I've ignored for about four weeks now, go on a date with my wife or some shit, etc. But I got tickets to my first Badger game ever this weekend for $20, so I had to go.
You may be wondering "Juice, you seem like a pretty big sports fan, I'm shocked you've never been to a Badger game". I would agree, it is strange. I guess it is the fact that I grew up around Green Bay, and my parents didn't have any money really, so we just never got down there. What is also odd is that I've been to 24 Packer games since my first one in 1988, and those tickets are twice as much, and probably slightly harder to come by. We've just always known random people that were able to hook us up with tickets, and never knew anyone that had Badger tickets.
ANYWAYS, the wife and I are headed down at the asscrack of dawn Saturday due to the 11 a.m. kickoff (which is way to fucking early). I'm little stressed because I don't know my way around all that well, and as there is with Green Bay, there are special tricks for traffic/parking that exist on gamedays that I'm not aware of. I'm sure it will be fine. My wife is already pissed that I'm making her leave at 6 a.m. I just want to make sure I have time to soak it all in, and drink as much as possible before 11 a.m. because of the asinine non-drinking rule at Camp Randall.
Also, many may ask "Holy shit, you are going down to Madison on Halloween???? Where are you staying?" The answer is that somewhere around age 25, the thought of being tear gassed (this allegedly happened to my brother once) stopped sounding good to me. And really, I've only got a weekend or so a year of tolerance for getting all sweaty and standing shoulder to shoulder with other drunken assholes to get warm beer. And that weekend is Oktoberfest for me. I just hope to see some random slutty nurses, or slutty cats, or slutty devils or slutty witches or something. Wisconsin 34, Purdue 20.
Quick NFL Picks: Den (+3.5), NYJ (-3.5), Ind (-11.5), Det (-4.5), Dal (-9.5), Chi (-13.5), Hou (-3.5), Phi (+1), SD (-16.5), GB (-3), Ari (-10), Atl (+10)
Remember on Sunday Packer fans: 1) boo the Vikings hard, and that means EVERYONE; 2) bags of piss; 3) Cheer the Pack LOUD
You may be wondering "Juice, you seem like a pretty big sports fan, I'm shocked you've never been to a Badger game". I would agree, it is strange. I guess it is the fact that I grew up around Green Bay, and my parents didn't have any money really, so we just never got down there. What is also odd is that I've been to 24 Packer games since my first one in 1988, and those tickets are twice as much, and probably slightly harder to come by. We've just always known random people that were able to hook us up with tickets, and never knew anyone that had Badger tickets.
ANYWAYS, the wife and I are headed down at the asscrack of dawn Saturday due to the 11 a.m. kickoff (which is way to fucking early). I'm little stressed because I don't know my way around all that well, and as there is with Green Bay, there are special tricks for traffic/parking that exist on gamedays that I'm not aware of. I'm sure it will be fine. My wife is already pissed that I'm making her leave at 6 a.m. I just want to make sure I have time to soak it all in, and drink as much as possible before 11 a.m. because of the asinine non-drinking rule at Camp Randall.
Also, many may ask "Holy shit, you are going down to Madison on Halloween???? Where are you staying?" The answer is that somewhere around age 25, the thought of being tear gassed (this allegedly happened to my brother once) stopped sounding good to me. And really, I've only got a weekend or so a year of tolerance for getting all sweaty and standing shoulder to shoulder with other drunken assholes to get warm beer. And that weekend is Oktoberfest for me. I just hope to see some random slutty nurses, or slutty cats, or slutty devils or slutty witches or something. Wisconsin 34, Purdue 20.
Quick NFL Picks: Den (+3.5), NYJ (-3.5), Ind (-11.5), Det (-4.5), Dal (-9.5), Chi (-13.5), Hou (-3.5), Phi (+1), SD (-16.5), GB (-3), Ari (-10), Atl (+10)
Remember on Sunday Packer fans: 1) boo the Vikings hard, and that means EVERYONE; 2) bags of piss; 3) Cheer the Pack LOUD
Thursday, October 29, 2009
This Is Going to Get Super Annoying
Is this REALLY necessary? We aren't going to get enough of flashing to him and his wife every four seconds? Didn't we already have this?
I Heard A Rumor
...That there MAY be a football game in town on Sunday. But maybe I thought of that in a blackout state in Vegas. I dunno.
I really don't want to bitch about the whole situation for the 7,432nd time, so I wanted to pull the rug out a little.
As sick and tired as I am with the media beating the He Who Shall Not Be Named storyline into the ground, I had an epiphany when NFL Network was showing "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Top 10 Moments in Green Bay". These highlights shouldn't piss me off. I can enjoy those highlights. Because you know what? As much as I currently hate that prick, all of those highlights occurred when he played for MY team. So those highlights belong to Packer fans, and not to Viqueen fans. And I don't feel one bit bad that he doesn't play for my team anymore, because we have a really, really good QB right now. This whole situation doesn't bother me because he isn't playing for us. It bothers me because he is playing for them. So when they are showing highlight reels of him in a Packer uniform, it is OK to enjoy them.
That being said, if He isn't rained with boos and bags of piss, I am going to be severely disappointed. I am sick of the national media telling me what a shame it would be if he doesn't get cheered. He PLAYS FOR THE OTHER FUCKING TEAM!!! Even the Lions get booed, and they are fucking terrible.
I mean, Ryan Longwell gets lustily booed for fuck sake, and he 1) never won three MVPs; 2) Never held us hostage for four years while deciding to retire every year; 3) he is are all-time leading scorer; 4) wasn't all that great; 5) Never even won a Super Bowl; 6) is a kicker. All Longwell ever really did to earn boos besides going to the Vikings was to say there wasn't anywhere to eat in Green Bay besides Applebee's, which is only like 10% wrong.
I have confidence in Packer fans. And it is going to be a fucking nuthouse on Sunday. Packers 21, Vikings 20.
I really don't want to bitch about the whole situation for the 7,432nd time, so I wanted to pull the rug out a little.
As sick and tired as I am with the media beating the He Who Shall Not Be Named storyline into the ground, I had an epiphany when NFL Network was showing "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Top 10 Moments in Green Bay". These highlights shouldn't piss me off. I can enjoy those highlights. Because you know what? As much as I currently hate that prick, all of those highlights occurred when he played for MY team. So those highlights belong to Packer fans, and not to Viqueen fans. And I don't feel one bit bad that he doesn't play for my team anymore, because we have a really, really good QB right now. This whole situation doesn't bother me because he isn't playing for us. It bothers me because he is playing for them. So when they are showing highlight reels of him in a Packer uniform, it is OK to enjoy them.
That being said, if He isn't rained with boos and bags of piss, I am going to be severely disappointed. I am sick of the national media telling me what a shame it would be if he doesn't get cheered. He PLAYS FOR THE OTHER FUCKING TEAM!!! Even the Lions get booed, and they are fucking terrible.
I mean, Ryan Longwell gets lustily booed for fuck sake, and he 1) never won three MVPs; 2) Never held us hostage for four years while deciding to retire every year; 3) he is are all-time leading scorer; 4) wasn't all that great; 5) Never even won a Super Bowl; 6) is a kicker. All Longwell ever really did to earn boos besides going to the Vikings was to say there wasn't anywhere to eat in Green Bay besides Applebee's, which is only like 10% wrong.
I have confidence in Packer fans. And it is going to be a fucking nuthouse on Sunday. Packers 21, Vikings 20.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Vegas, continued...
A spectacular post by Juice. Just a few great moments I believe he overlooked...
1) I don't know how I didn't get arrested on Thursday night. A big shout out to Juice. I vaguely remember the Margaritaville kitchen and even an underground parking ramp somewhere in there. I blame the near death turbelence on my flight for the blackout drunkeneness. I still believe in my heart that security guard was an anti-semite.
2) Friday a.m. - I shower early and start drinking early to fight off a hangover. Somehow, I end up in Bally's casino playing blackjack at 9 a.m. Turns out, the entire Griswold family sits down at the same table. Except, the Griswold's have two insanely hot daughters. I am up over $100 and Juice shows up to tell me they are leaving. I am a stupid, selfish asshole and stay. I lose the farm before heading to the Rio.
3) After drinking at the Rio all Friday afternoon, with the same Australian waitress, Sports Bottle (or somebody) busts out the "do you guys remember where I parked my car" line. We get a shake of the head and a reference to the son of God.
4) Sometime Friday (can't remember) Juice mentions the fact that we (they) made a ton of group bets, but somehow, Sportsbottle was the one to place them all. It seems nobody has track of the bets we made, except Sportsbottle. This leads to Juice calling him "Bernie Madoff", which I find fucking hilarious and still can't stop laughing about.
5) Late Friday night, Jim busts out the "Hell, Lumberg fucked her" line. This I also find hilarious and proceed to use way too much and annoy everybody else. But why not, hell, Lumberg fucked her.
6) I almost die AGAIN on my flight home. Pilot suddenly gets on intercom and tells flight attendants to sit down while they are doing their drink service. After the plane violently shakes, I hear the flaps go partially down MID FLIGHT. I have never seen this before in my few times of flying. Oh, and I almost fall asleep and die like 30 times on my way home after getting ZERO hours of sleep in the past 2 days. A big shout out to the asshole with no shame who snored like a fucking pig on the plane and also to the small Asian girls that possibly gave the entire airplane SARS (or swine flu) with their coughing and not covering their mouths.
1) I don't know how I didn't get arrested on Thursday night. A big shout out to Juice. I vaguely remember the Margaritaville kitchen and even an underground parking ramp somewhere in there. I blame the near death turbelence on my flight for the blackout drunkeneness. I still believe in my heart that security guard was an anti-semite.
2) Friday a.m. - I shower early and start drinking early to fight off a hangover. Somehow, I end up in Bally's casino playing blackjack at 9 a.m. Turns out, the entire Griswold family sits down at the same table. Except, the Griswold's have two insanely hot daughters. I am up over $100 and Juice shows up to tell me they are leaving. I am a stupid, selfish asshole and stay. I lose the farm before heading to the Rio.
3) After drinking at the Rio all Friday afternoon, with the same Australian waitress, Sports Bottle (or somebody) busts out the "do you guys remember where I parked my car" line. We get a shake of the head and a reference to the son of God.
4) Sometime Friday (can't remember) Juice mentions the fact that we (they) made a ton of group bets, but somehow, Sportsbottle was the one to place them all. It seems nobody has track of the bets we made, except Sportsbottle. This leads to Juice calling him "Bernie Madoff", which I find fucking hilarious and still can't stop laughing about.
5) Late Friday night, Jim busts out the "Hell, Lumberg fucked her" line. This I also find hilarious and proceed to use way too much and annoy everybody else. But why not, hell, Lumberg fucked her.
6) I almost die AGAIN on my flight home. Pilot suddenly gets on intercom and tells flight attendants to sit down while they are doing their drink service. After the plane violently shakes, I hear the flaps go partially down MID FLIGHT. I have never seen this before in my few times of flying. Oh, and I almost fall asleep and die like 30 times on my way home after getting ZERO hours of sleep in the past 2 days. A big shout out to the asshole with no shame who snored like a fucking pig on the plane and also to the small Asian girls that possibly gave the entire airplane SARS (or swine flu) with their coughing and not covering their mouths.
Epic Prediction for Sunday's game
The boys over at Sportsbubbler have a great preview of what will more than likely happen during this Sunday's game.
I laughed, then I cried a little, knowing it would never happen...
I laughed, then I cried a little, knowing it would never happen...
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What Happens In Vegas....
....Ends up getting blogged about.
Now I'm not going to sit here and throw up some insanely long post detailing every mundane detail of our trip. But I did want to give you at least a recap that might be worth a chuckle. This is especially true if you know any of the participants.
Also, I wanted to throw up some insanely long post with mundane details.
The co-stars are: Myself, Sports Bottle, Twinkie, a dude named Jim, and a dude named Spensley.
WEDNESDAY
I arrive at Sports Bottle's around midnight. Sit around not doing much. His dog tried to rape me with his nose. We go to bed with a 4:00 am wakeup call.
THURSDAY
Holy fuck is 4 am early. Especially when you aren't sleeping in your own bed. And especially when a cat is getting violated by a fucking bat or something outside your window at 3 am. SportsBottle's lovely girlfriend drove us to the airport in the sweetest Buick ever. I shun the idea of paying $15 to Midwest Airlines and carry all my shit onto the plane. And I had to cram that motherfucker into the overhead compartment. And I didn't care, because I saved $15. Somehow in the 8 foot walk to the bookstore to get a water, I managed to lose my boarding pass. Jim and I win the lottery by being the only two people on the plane to have nobody sitting next to us. It doesn't really make the flight that much more comfortable, but at least I didn't have to worry about somebody's fat roll laying on my lap or anything. No cookies because there is some bullshit rule about not cooking them before 10am or something. Turbulence was bad enough that the flight attendant actually said "This is bad." To the other one.
Finally we arrive in Vegas about 8:30 local time. We get to Bally's via taxi. (For reference, the ride took twice as long and was a 1/4 the price of a cab ride in Green Bay, which is fucking bullshit, and proves my point of bitching. But I digress). Sports Bottle and Jim go to check in while Spensley and I covertly pretend we aren't with them and go to try to scam a free drink. Of course, the dick at the bar is uninterested, even though he knows full well that there is a rule that if you put a $20 in the video poker machine, he is obligated to give you a free drink. There are alot of fucking assholes that work in Vegas as dealers and bartenders. It is a fact. Some people there are just fucking miserable about their lives. Probably because they know that they are going to spend their entire paychecks, and their sizable tips (unless Twinkie is buying your drinks) on gambling and crack. I think Vegas is probably like Hollywood, without the possibility of acting. People get addicted to the fun (which wouldn't be that hard if you are winning) or the glamour, and decide to move there to live it. And usually, it doesn't work out that well. You end up bartending or dealing, which isn't that bad, but it is the best case scenario for these people. Most end up dead, disappeared, or laying on their backs with their legs spread.
Where was I? Oh, so we check in, and decide to walk around a little bit, checking out random sportsbooks, and trying to get free drinks. None really had that option. Oh, and we drank the whole time we walked around. Stopped at the random liquor stores that we passed. Drank as much as possible. Eventually we decide that the deal at Bally's is the best. A bucket of 5 Miller Lite pint bottles for $20. Not really that great of a deal, but we were thirsty. Sat there and watched Game 5, waited for Twinkie to show up.
Game ends and we head out to walk around and gamble. Things were starting to get a bit hazy by this point. I know we went to a couple of low rent ass places on the strip with cheap drinks. Except for when Jim told me that rails were $2 at Bill's Gamblin' Hall (actual place), and it cost me $6. I guess "rail" doesn't also mean "on tap". That would be my last mixed drink of the night. At this point, I was still worried about my budget, and trying to be as cheap as I could so that I could gamble a little. We ended the night (sort of) at this place called O'Shea's, which was not Irish except for the clovers on the blackjack tables. I didn't play a whole lot, but Twinkie and Sports Bottle both played for about 13 hours. From this point on, Twinkie pretty much had no money at all. Sports Bottle was way up at one point before this stop, and the next morning claimed he was down $400. Which is almost as much as I brought along. Jim and I stood near the beer pong tables (yes, there were beer pong tables in this casino) and drank $2 beer at the bar without gambling. Jim eventually starting working on this chick. And he worked. And he worked. He was bringing the heat. I could tell. He had his best closer shit working. I think I saw him spit on the ball ala Mariano Rivera. Turns out that she was a "Butterface". And a snaggletooth. After O'Shea's, and a six run homer by Butterface, we went to Margaritaville. Which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. All fucked up already, we order a round of Margaritas that may or may not have had anything but tequilla in them. Sports Bottle dropped his entire drink on a chair. Three of us were hanging over a balcony screaming about Jim's bachelor party, even though he is not getting married. Somehow Spensley ended up with a Corona topped off with Bacardi, which is about as bad of an idea as is possible. Eventually, the bartender refused to serve me another one, although I think they were closing. We go to head back to O'Shea's but Twinkie is nowhere to be found. He calls and starts talking about being lost and being in a kitchen. After about 20 minutes he is being led out of Margaritaville by two angry employees. I believe he had made his way into the kitchen, but we'll never be sure.
From this point, I had to babysit Twinkie back to Bally's because he was a drunken asshole. The night culminated in him somehow losing a contact in front of the main bank of elevators that lead to the hotel room and him crawling on his hands and knees looking for it, and a security guard showing up and not really enjoying it. As he was escorting us to our room (which we did not have a key for mind you) Twinkie tells the security guard "You just hate me because I'm a Jew, you fucking anti-Semite". Twinkie is definitely not Jewish, but it is possible the guard was an anti-Semite. On the belief that Sports Bottle was passed out in the room, we pound on the door for like 10 straight minutes. Twinkie pounds on other random doors. Finally, the security guard comes back to address a complaint, but Sports Bottle shows up with a key. The three of us pass out.
FRIDAY
In the morning, I wake up to the sound of Spensley falling out of bed. I go to piss and there is a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom soaked with a mystery liquid, from an unknown person. I crawl back into bed for an hour or so. I open my eyes to see a gigantic wad of chew in bed next to me (not from me). Eventually, we all get up and shower except for Spensley. Spensley is lying on the floor, with a pillow covered in chew spit, and his face covered in chew spit. He is in a coma of some type. Perhaps it was not coming back to the room until 7 am, and then falling asleep with a four finger dip in his cheek. Either way, we leave his dumb ass in the room and head to the Rio Sports Book. It was the sickest shit I've ever seen.
We had heard good things about the Rio, all of which were true. The drinks are free if you ask for one. Or if you've been there ordering drinks for 10 hours and the waitress gets tired of asking, they just keep bringing them. You don't even have to be betting, and if you are Twinkie, you don't even have to tip. Of course, betting is alot more fun, so we started betting random horses, hockey game parlays, CFL games and began to make bets for Saturday's college games.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #1
We also placed a bet on the Rutgers-Army game. We had Rutgers +10 and Under 39. Rutgers goes up 17-3 after the 1st, and it looked like our parlay would be over quickly. Somehow the second quarter was scoreless. And it was a 20-3 lead at the end of the third. The teams quickly traded TDs in the fourth to make it 27-10 Rutgers. Rutgers is driving with about 3 minutes left, and have a first and goal on the 1. AND RUTGERS FUCKING FUMBLED!!! ARMY RECOVERS!!! The four of us are jumping up and down cheering. Some random New Jersyites (?) behind us are cheering too. We turn in our card after time runs out and we win....$56 between the 4 of us. See, we aren't the highest rollers in Vegas per se. Drunkest? Possibly. But cheap? Most definitely. The New Jersey guys thought it was the funniest shit ever that we made such a huge deal over $14 a piece. I think we won like 2 out of 50 horse races. Lost the hockey and CFL.
FRIDAY CON'T
The remainder of the night was interesting. After we polished off our 50th mixed drinks. (About 6 oz., fairly weak, but we were there for about 14 hours, so I don't think I'm exaggerating much). We decided to head over to Gold Coast Casino, which is a little towny joint with cheap table games and strong drinks right near the Rio. Had like 5 pretty strong Limon and Cokes, and made a relatively big dent in the House on $3 Roulette. One dealer was name Ramo and he was from Bosnia, and he kept saying "Easy Money!" in an awesome Eastern European accent. The other dealer was Jose, and he made a bunch of derogatory sexual comments about the drink waitress, including the universal jack off sign. Fun times. We also ran into "Asian Spensley". He was a guy wearing a polo shirt and a hat similar to a Spensley outfit, and was about the same height, only he was Asian and 50. We jump into a cab, and I bum a Skoal pouch from Jim, which was a horrible idea. I get out of the cab back at Bally's with a half full spitter and run face first into the marble wall at full drunk speed. I don't fall but am stunned for a moment, and I have no control over my body. I weave my way through the casino back to the room. Things are spinning about a 1000 miles an hour. Somehow, despite hovering over toilet, I manage not to puke. I pass out face first.
Spensley never made it out. About 2 p.m. we got concerned and joked that we were going to have to rent a car and bury his body in the desert because we hadn't heard anything at all from him. Finally, we got a text that just said "puking" at like 4 pm. He was in bed when we got back.
SATURDAY
Somehow, we get up early as shit so that we can get back to the Rio to get a seat for College Football. Twinkie, Spensley and I are fine. Sports Bottle and Jim? No so much. None of us are great, but when I start pounding Miller Lites at 9 a.m., the mere thought made Sports Bottle puke. He and Jim left. Twinkie tried but I wouldn't let him. The three remaining solders go on a historic horse run hitting on 5 of 9 winners, and having a community bank roll of over $35 to make $3 bets, which lasts us almost the rest of the day.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #2
For some reason, we made a whole bunch of group and individual bets, that resulted in a shitload (relatively speaking) of money on Iowa against Michigan St. Perhaps it was familiarity with the Big Ten, or the undefeated record, but based on the outcome of the Iowa game we were all going to make quite a bit (relatively speaking) of money or not. The game was a Pick 'em. We all saw Wisconsin play both teams and believed that Sparty sucked. Sports Bottle finally got back for the start. It wasn't looking good for a while, but when Iowa scored on the last play the entire casino erupted. It was fucking fantastic.
SATURDAY CON'T
We all stayed until the Boise St. game was over, because we all had money to win on it, then we headed back to Bally's for some drunken roulette and Go Go dancers. Oh, and getting yelled at by the roulette dealer guy because I was too drunk to understand the rules. I ended up winning around $125 on college football, so the day was a success.
SUNDAY
Watched all the NFL games at Bally's. Didn't drink. Won like another $150 or so. Flew home around midnight. Almost died driving back to Green Bay from Milwaukee.
NEAR GREAT MOMENT IN GAMBLING HISTORY
Sports Bottle missing a 1,000 to 1 12 team parlay at the end of the afternoon games. Ended up getting 10 I think, which is fairly impossible.
MONDAY
Tired as shit.
TUESDAY
Tired as shit.
WEDNESDAY
Tired as shit.
FINAL SCORECARD:
Approx. 105 drinks (and that might be conservative)
2 meals at Sbarro's
2 meals at Nathan's
0 meals enjoyed at either one
2 meals at the Sportsbook Cafe at the Rio
2 drunken, toothless rednecks from Arkansas sitting next to me smoking in the non-smoking sportsbook on Saturday
1 number of division one colleges said toothless redneck from Arkansas thought were in the state of Iowa. (claimed to be a professional gambler)
20 rank of Miami of Ohio according to said toothless redneck from Arkansas
0 dips I will ever drunkenly do again
Cost of trip after gambling winnings, and not including plane ticket $100
Now I'm not going to sit here and throw up some insanely long post detailing every mundane detail of our trip. But I did want to give you at least a recap that might be worth a chuckle. This is especially true if you know any of the participants.
Also, I wanted to throw up some insanely long post with mundane details.
The co-stars are: Myself, Sports Bottle, Twinkie, a dude named Jim, and a dude named Spensley.
WEDNESDAY
I arrive at Sports Bottle's around midnight. Sit around not doing much. His dog tried to rape me with his nose. We go to bed with a 4:00 am wakeup call.
THURSDAY
Holy fuck is 4 am early. Especially when you aren't sleeping in your own bed. And especially when a cat is getting violated by a fucking bat or something outside your window at 3 am. SportsBottle's lovely girlfriend drove us to the airport in the sweetest Buick ever. I shun the idea of paying $15 to Midwest Airlines and carry all my shit onto the plane. And I had to cram that motherfucker into the overhead compartment. And I didn't care, because I saved $15. Somehow in the 8 foot walk to the bookstore to get a water, I managed to lose my boarding pass. Jim and I win the lottery by being the only two people on the plane to have nobody sitting next to us. It doesn't really make the flight that much more comfortable, but at least I didn't have to worry about somebody's fat roll laying on my lap or anything. No cookies because there is some bullshit rule about not cooking them before 10am or something. Turbulence was bad enough that the flight attendant actually said "This is bad." To the other one.
Finally we arrive in Vegas about 8:30 local time. We get to Bally's via taxi. (For reference, the ride took twice as long and was a 1/4 the price of a cab ride in Green Bay, which is fucking bullshit, and proves my point of bitching. But I digress). Sports Bottle and Jim go to check in while Spensley and I covertly pretend we aren't with them and go to try to scam a free drink. Of course, the dick at the bar is uninterested, even though he knows full well that there is a rule that if you put a $20 in the video poker machine, he is obligated to give you a free drink. There are alot of fucking assholes that work in Vegas as dealers and bartenders. It is a fact. Some people there are just fucking miserable about their lives. Probably because they know that they are going to spend their entire paychecks, and their sizable tips (unless Twinkie is buying your drinks) on gambling and crack. I think Vegas is probably like Hollywood, without the possibility of acting. People get addicted to the fun (which wouldn't be that hard if you are winning) or the glamour, and decide to move there to live it. And usually, it doesn't work out that well. You end up bartending or dealing, which isn't that bad, but it is the best case scenario for these people. Most end up dead, disappeared, or laying on their backs with their legs spread.
Where was I? Oh, so we check in, and decide to walk around a little bit, checking out random sportsbooks, and trying to get free drinks. None really had that option. Oh, and we drank the whole time we walked around. Stopped at the random liquor stores that we passed. Drank as much as possible. Eventually we decide that the deal at Bally's is the best. A bucket of 5 Miller Lite pint bottles for $20. Not really that great of a deal, but we were thirsty. Sat there and watched Game 5, waited for Twinkie to show up.
Game ends and we head out to walk around and gamble. Things were starting to get a bit hazy by this point. I know we went to a couple of low rent ass places on the strip with cheap drinks. Except for when Jim told me that rails were $2 at Bill's Gamblin' Hall (actual place), and it cost me $6. I guess "rail" doesn't also mean "on tap". That would be my last mixed drink of the night. At this point, I was still worried about my budget, and trying to be as cheap as I could so that I could gamble a little. We ended the night (sort of) at this place called O'Shea's, which was not Irish except for the clovers on the blackjack tables. I didn't play a whole lot, but Twinkie and Sports Bottle both played for about 13 hours. From this point on, Twinkie pretty much had no money at all. Sports Bottle was way up at one point before this stop, and the next morning claimed he was down $400. Which is almost as much as I brought along. Jim and I stood near the beer pong tables (yes, there were beer pong tables in this casino) and drank $2 beer at the bar without gambling. Jim eventually starting working on this chick. And he worked. And he worked. He was bringing the heat. I could tell. He had his best closer shit working. I think I saw him spit on the ball ala Mariano Rivera. Turns out that she was a "Butterface". And a snaggletooth. After O'Shea's, and a six run homer by Butterface, we went to Margaritaville. Which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. All fucked up already, we order a round of Margaritas that may or may not have had anything but tequilla in them. Sports Bottle dropped his entire drink on a chair. Three of us were hanging over a balcony screaming about Jim's bachelor party, even though he is not getting married. Somehow Spensley ended up with a Corona topped off with Bacardi, which is about as bad of an idea as is possible. Eventually, the bartender refused to serve me another one, although I think they were closing. We go to head back to O'Shea's but Twinkie is nowhere to be found. He calls and starts talking about being lost and being in a kitchen. After about 20 minutes he is being led out of Margaritaville by two angry employees. I believe he had made his way into the kitchen, but we'll never be sure.
From this point, I had to babysit Twinkie back to Bally's because he was a drunken asshole. The night culminated in him somehow losing a contact in front of the main bank of elevators that lead to the hotel room and him crawling on his hands and knees looking for it, and a security guard showing up and not really enjoying it. As he was escorting us to our room (which we did not have a key for mind you) Twinkie tells the security guard "You just hate me because I'm a Jew, you fucking anti-Semite". Twinkie is definitely not Jewish, but it is possible the guard was an anti-Semite. On the belief that Sports Bottle was passed out in the room, we pound on the door for like 10 straight minutes. Twinkie pounds on other random doors. Finally, the security guard comes back to address a complaint, but Sports Bottle shows up with a key. The three of us pass out.
FRIDAY
In the morning, I wake up to the sound of Spensley falling out of bed. I go to piss and there is a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom soaked with a mystery liquid, from an unknown person. I crawl back into bed for an hour or so. I open my eyes to see a gigantic wad of chew in bed next to me (not from me). Eventually, we all get up and shower except for Spensley. Spensley is lying on the floor, with a pillow covered in chew spit, and his face covered in chew spit. He is in a coma of some type. Perhaps it was not coming back to the room until 7 am, and then falling asleep with a four finger dip in his cheek. Either way, we leave his dumb ass in the room and head to the Rio Sports Book. It was the sickest shit I've ever seen.
We had heard good things about the Rio, all of which were true. The drinks are free if you ask for one. Or if you've been there ordering drinks for 10 hours and the waitress gets tired of asking, they just keep bringing them. You don't even have to be betting, and if you are Twinkie, you don't even have to tip. Of course, betting is alot more fun, so we started betting random horses, hockey game parlays, CFL games and began to make bets for Saturday's college games.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #1
We also placed a bet on the Rutgers-Army game. We had Rutgers +10 and Under 39. Rutgers goes up 17-3 after the 1st, and it looked like our parlay would be over quickly. Somehow the second quarter was scoreless. And it was a 20-3 lead at the end of the third. The teams quickly traded TDs in the fourth to make it 27-10 Rutgers. Rutgers is driving with about 3 minutes left, and have a first and goal on the 1. AND RUTGERS FUCKING FUMBLED!!! ARMY RECOVERS!!! The four of us are jumping up and down cheering. Some random New Jersyites (?) behind us are cheering too. We turn in our card after time runs out and we win....$56 between the 4 of us. See, we aren't the highest rollers in Vegas per se. Drunkest? Possibly. But cheap? Most definitely. The New Jersey guys thought it was the funniest shit ever that we made such a huge deal over $14 a piece. I think we won like 2 out of 50 horse races. Lost the hockey and CFL.
FRIDAY CON'T
The remainder of the night was interesting. After we polished off our 50th mixed drinks. (About 6 oz., fairly weak, but we were there for about 14 hours, so I don't think I'm exaggerating much). We decided to head over to Gold Coast Casino, which is a little towny joint with cheap table games and strong drinks right near the Rio. Had like 5 pretty strong Limon and Cokes, and made a relatively big dent in the House on $3 Roulette. One dealer was name Ramo and he was from Bosnia, and he kept saying "Easy Money!" in an awesome Eastern European accent. The other dealer was Jose, and he made a bunch of derogatory sexual comments about the drink waitress, including the universal jack off sign. Fun times. We also ran into "Asian Spensley". He was a guy wearing a polo shirt and a hat similar to a Spensley outfit, and was about the same height, only he was Asian and 50. We jump into a cab, and I bum a Skoal pouch from Jim, which was a horrible idea. I get out of the cab back at Bally's with a half full spitter and run face first into the marble wall at full drunk speed. I don't fall but am stunned for a moment, and I have no control over my body. I weave my way through the casino back to the room. Things are spinning about a 1000 miles an hour. Somehow, despite hovering over toilet, I manage not to puke. I pass out face first.
Spensley never made it out. About 2 p.m. we got concerned and joked that we were going to have to rent a car and bury his body in the desert because we hadn't heard anything at all from him. Finally, we got a text that just said "puking" at like 4 pm. He was in bed when we got back.
SATURDAY
Somehow, we get up early as shit so that we can get back to the Rio to get a seat for College Football. Twinkie, Spensley and I are fine. Sports Bottle and Jim? No so much. None of us are great, but when I start pounding Miller Lites at 9 a.m., the mere thought made Sports Bottle puke. He and Jim left. Twinkie tried but I wouldn't let him. The three remaining solders go on a historic horse run hitting on 5 of 9 winners, and having a community bank roll of over $35 to make $3 bets, which lasts us almost the rest of the day.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #2
For some reason, we made a whole bunch of group and individual bets, that resulted in a shitload (relatively speaking) of money on Iowa against Michigan St. Perhaps it was familiarity with the Big Ten, or the undefeated record, but based on the outcome of the Iowa game we were all going to make quite a bit (relatively speaking) of money or not. The game was a Pick 'em. We all saw Wisconsin play both teams and believed that Sparty sucked. Sports Bottle finally got back for the start. It wasn't looking good for a while, but when Iowa scored on the last play the entire casino erupted. It was fucking fantastic.
SATURDAY CON'T
We all stayed until the Boise St. game was over, because we all had money to win on it, then we headed back to Bally's for some drunken roulette and Go Go dancers. Oh, and getting yelled at by the roulette dealer guy because I was too drunk to understand the rules. I ended up winning around $125 on college football, so the day was a success.
SUNDAY
Watched all the NFL games at Bally's. Didn't drink. Won like another $150 or so. Flew home around midnight. Almost died driving back to Green Bay from Milwaukee.
NEAR GREAT MOMENT IN GAMBLING HISTORY
Sports Bottle missing a 1,000 to 1 12 team parlay at the end of the afternoon games. Ended up getting 10 I think, which is fairly impossible.
MONDAY
Tired as shit.
TUESDAY
Tired as shit.
WEDNESDAY
Tired as shit.
FINAL SCORECARD:
Approx. 105 drinks (and that might be conservative)
2 meals at Sbarro's
2 meals at Nathan's
0 meals enjoyed at either one
2 meals at the Sportsbook Cafe at the Rio
2 drunken, toothless rednecks from Arkansas sitting next to me smoking in the non-smoking sportsbook on Saturday
1 number of division one colleges said toothless redneck from Arkansas thought were in the state of Iowa. (claimed to be a professional gambler)
20 rank of Miami of Ohio according to said toothless redneck from Arkansas
0 dips I will ever drunkenly do again
Cost of trip after gambling winnings, and not including plane ticket $100
Road To The Get Together Top 32: Week 8
(1) Alabama (8-0) (1) 2
(2) Iowa (8-0) (2) 4
(3) TCU (7-0) (10) 6
(4) Georgia Tech (7-1) (4) 11
(5) Florida (7-0) (7) 1
(6) Texas (7-0) (8) 3
(7) Boise St (7-0) (9) 7
(8) Cincinnati (7-0) (3) 8
(9) USC (6-1) (6) 5
(10) Oregon (6-1) (14) 10
(11) Central Michigan (7-1) (17) NR
(12) LSU (6-1) (13) 9
(13) BYU (6-2) (5) NR
(14) Pitt (7-1) (16) 15
(15) Houston (6-1) (18) 18
(16) Utah (6-1) (20) 16
(17) South Carolina (6-2) (21) 22
(18) Virginia Tech (5-2) (15) 13
(19) Penn St (7-1) (25) 12
(20) Ohio St (6-2) (23) 17
(21) Idaho (6-2) (12) NR
(22) Miami (5-2) (11) 19
(23) Richmond (7-0) (22) NR
(24) Oklahoma St. (6-1) (29) 14
(25) Navy (6-2) (27) NR
(26) South Florida (5-2) (19) NR
(27) West Virginia (6-1) (30) 21
(28) Troy (5-2) (31) NR
(29) Notre Dame (5-2) (32) 23
(30) Cal (5-2) NR 24
(31) Marshall* (5-3) NR NR
(32) Nevada* (4-3) NR NR
(2) Iowa (8-0) (2) 4
(3) TCU (7-0) (10) 6
(4) Georgia Tech (7-1) (4) 11
(5) Florida (7-0) (7) 1
(6) Texas (7-0) (8) 3
(7) Boise St (7-0) (9) 7
(8) Cincinnati (7-0) (3) 8
(9) USC (6-1) (6) 5
(10) Oregon (6-1) (14) 10
(11) Central Michigan (7-1) (17) NR
(12) LSU (6-1) (13) 9
(13) BYU (6-2) (5) NR
(14) Pitt (7-1) (16) 15
(15) Houston (6-1) (18) 18
(16) Utah (6-1) (20) 16
(17) South Carolina (6-2) (21) 22
(18) Virginia Tech (5-2) (15) 13
(19) Penn St (7-1) (25) 12
(20) Ohio St (6-2) (23) 17
(21) Idaho (6-2) (12) NR
(22) Miami (5-2) (11) 19
(23) Richmond (7-0) (22) NR
(24) Oklahoma St. (6-1) (29) 14
(25) Navy (6-2) (27) NR
(26) South Florida (5-2) (19) NR
(27) West Virginia (6-1) (30) 21
(28) Troy (5-2) (31) NR
(29) Notre Dame (5-2) (32) 23
(30) Cal (5-2) NR 24
(31) Marshall* (5-3) NR NR
(32) Nevada* (4-3) NR NR
More fun with maps!
For the 0.1% of football fans who still might not understand why this Sunday's game between the Vikings and Packers was moved to 3:15 from their original noon starting time, please take a look at this map. I think the most interesting thing about this map, besides the fact that it looks just like an election map from 1984 (in case you were wondering, Reagan won), is that there is this chunk of rural Tennessee and Kentucky that just doesn't even have TV. That to me is awesome for some reason. They are so far from civilization that in AMERICA, they can't even get broadcast TV.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
More Vegas Stuff
Since I have nothing to do but pretend to work at this job that is also pretending to pay me, I thought I would share this nugget that I retrieved while "working".
We are staying at Bally's when we go to Vegas. On November 21, 1980, there was a fire at Bally's that KILLED 85 PEOPLE and is still the largest disaster in Nevada history in terms of loss of life. Well fuck me. It is a good thing that I find ghosts that are horribly burned to be a turn on.
We are staying at Bally's when we go to Vegas. On November 21, 1980, there was a fire at Bally's that KILLED 85 PEOPLE and is still the largest disaster in Nevada history in terms of loss of life. Well fuck me. It is a good thing that I find ghosts that are horribly burned to be a turn on.
Great Moments In OJSFA History
Lets put aside for a second the fact that Mark decided for some reason to put his wedding over fielding a complete team this week. It is what it is. Mark didn't start a TE or DEF. Fine. I get it. I'll admit I'm lucky. But consider what happened last night, and tell me it isn't super fucking cool. Or at least dramatic.
I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.
I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?
This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.
"DAVID V. GOLIATH"
Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.
VEGAS
We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.
I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.
MORE CAB STUFF
I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?
I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.
I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?
This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.
"DAVID V. GOLIATH"
Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.
VEGAS
We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.
I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.
MORE CAB STUFF
I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?
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