In Pseudo-Defense of Lawrence Taylor

I should really start this with a disclaimer of some sort. I'm not exactly defending what LT allegedly did. One could make the argument that paying someone for sex is morally wrong. Especially when that somebody appears to be underage. And obviously, if this girl was forced into prostitution, or even if she wasn't I guess, it is a sad situation.

In order to make this pseudo-defense, I have to make some assumptions. First, we need to assume that LT paid to have sex with a prostitute, and that he did not know the prostitute was 16. Next, we need to assume that as far as he was concerned, the sex was consensual. As in, the woman didn't try to fight him off or say no, or whatever. These assumptions appear to be safe because of what he was charged with, and I had not heard any accusations of force.

Assuming those things, the media is treating LT unfairly. Every headline this week was "Lawrence Taylor charged with raping a 16 year old girl." 99.9% of America read that headline and had the same reaction I did: "Holy shit. LT was either a) hanging out at one of his kids post prom parties, got a girl drunk and forcibly raped her; or b) LT was hiding behind a dumpster at a high school and forcibly raped a girl against her will." To the average American, that is what you think when you hear the word RAPE.

In legal terms, he was charged with statutory rape, which is essentially having sex with someone that isn't legally old enough to consent. There is not an element of force, and there is not an element that you actually know how old the girl was. If he did what he is accused of, then technically he is a rapist.

To me, there is a HUGE difference between what LT allegedly did which was paying for a prostitute that he had no actual knowledge of her age, and forcing someone to have sex against her will.

Again, I'm not saying he didn't probably commit a crime, or that it was stupid, or in the case of the girl, probably tragic. I just wish the media would stop using the word RAPE, without explaining the details. Because people aren't generally very smart.

As a side note, LT was the best defensive player on Tecmo Bowl, and I once had 100 sacks and 80 INT in a season with him. And he once cut a SUV in half with a large saw on "Any Given Sunday".

Beating a Dead Horse That Has Been Killed Four Times

Seriously. I feel like I'm some kind of time warp (hot tub perhaps?) where every day, I click through some web sites (not as many as I would like) and receive my sports news. And like every two days, right there on the front page of ESPN.com, is a story, usually linked with a video that is titled "Vikes Will Wait on (He Who Shall Not Be Named." or "Childress says: (He Who Shall Not Be Named) Can Take As Long As He Wants". I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the SAME HEADLINE two to three times a week. STOP ASKING HIM! Clearly, Childress and the Vikings are going to give Him AS MUCH TIME AS HE WANTS!!!! Fuck! And even if they weren't, you know what? He would take as much time as He wants anyway!! An He is going to decide in mid-August, like he does Every. Motherfucking. Year. So here is an idea to all you media types: ASK IN AUGUST! Like after the third preseason game, because it gets later every year. Stop wasting Internets space with your rubbish.

Signed,

Guy Who Just Wasted Space On The Internets With Rubbish

Great Moments In OJSFA History

Lets put aside for a second the fact that Mark decided for some reason to put his wedding over fielding a complete team this week. It is what it is. Mark didn't start a TE or DEF. Fine. I get it. I'll admit I'm lucky. But consider what happened last night, and tell me it isn't super fucking cool. Or at least dramatic.

I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.

I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?


This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.

"DAVID V. GOLIATH"

Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.

VEGAS

We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.

I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.

MORE CAB STUFF

I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?

F#ck The Twins

Great game yesterday, that I saw none of because I had shit to do. Did anyone else realize that the Twinkies have won FIVE division titles in 8 years?!?!? Does anyone deserve happiness less than people from Minnesota? (Perhaps FIBs, I'll give you that). As much as it pains me, I am contractually obligated based on my agreements with (Sports Bottle's) god and Satan (He Who Shall Not Be Named) to root against whomever plays the Yankees in the playoffs. Here are the postseason baseball rooting rules in case you didn't know. This comes from a Brewers fan who has had almost nothing to cheer for after August 1st in his entire life.

1) Always root for your team if they are in it. Never root "for" another team, only root against teams.

2) Once your team is out, root against the 1)Yankees, 1a)Cubs, 2)Red Sox and 3)Twins in that order. So essentially it breaks down like this:
- If the Yankees are in it, you root against them no matter what. If they play the Cubs, you root for an explosion that kills both teams and their fans.
- You root against the Red Sox unless they are playing the Cubs or Yankees.
- You root against the Twins unless they are playing the Red Sox, Cubs or Yankees.

3) If the above four are gone, pick a large market team, a divisional rival, or a team with lots of past success to root against. The Dodgers, Mets, Angels, Cards, Phillies fit in nicely here.

Follow these rules and you will be hanging on every pitch in the post season. Rooting against the Yankees is spectacular, especially when drinking. I remember the year I was a huge Angels fan because they played the Twins and I was going to school in La Crosse and there were a lot of people from Minnesota there. I remember where I was when I saw Luis Gonzalez (who was definitely not on steroids) hit that bloop over Jeter's head to win the world series. I remember when I was living in Omaha being a gigantic Marlins fan during the Bartman series against the Cubs because any state without a baseball team from the midwest is automatically a gigantic Cubs town, which is fucking annoying.

This year, the first round rooting interests are as follows: Twins over Yankees, Angels over Red Sox, Rockies over Phillies, Cardinals over Dodgers (in a very close one).

MY NOT COMMITTING SUICIDE EVEN THOUGH I DESPERATELY WANTED TO GAME RECAP:

-We didn't block anyone.
-A-Rodg held onto the ball too long at times.
-Donald Lee can't catch.
-He Who Shall Not Be Named has been standing untouched in the pocket for two days looking for and finding an open receiver.
-He Who Shall Not Be Named deserves some credit for not sucking (much of which is due to the fact that he had all day to throw and nobody covered any receivers all day)
-That being said, I would still rather have A-Rodg, and it isn't close.
-Derrick Martin should be flipping burgers tomorrow.
-Are we sure that Chilly didn't invade McCarthy's body on that 1st quarter challenge?
-The offense moved the ball despite the sacks and penalties
-The run defense looked great.
- Overall, at 2-2 the season isn't over. I expected 3-1, and I expected to lose that game. It is hard to be super disappointed.
-I think I caught H1N1 from semen being splashed by either Gruden or He Who Shall Not Be Named when Gruden was giving him head. Madden hates He Who Shall Not Be Named compared to Gruden. It was incredible, and annoying.
-I think what pissed me off the most about the coverage (other than the fact that His name was mentioned approximately 1.3 million times, including non-stop when the Packers had the ball), was the camera feeds from "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Steakhouse". It was a total fucking joke for a number of reasons. First, nobody fucking goes there to watch Packer games. OF COURSE there was going to be a couple of jackasses in Viking jerseys watching the game there. It painted an unfair picture of Green Bay like there are 50% of people walking around wearing He Who Shall Not Be Named Viking jerseys. There are like six people in Green Bay that would wear that shit, and they were all at He Who Shall Not Be Named's Steakhouse. So that really, really pissed me off. That and them constantly showing that bitch Deanna and His slut daughter.
- If the next game could be treated just as a Packer-Viking game, I would now be fine with Him playing QB for the Vikings. Doesn't mean I hate him any less, or that He is ever welcome back, but I think part of the difficulty was the initial shock, etc. Now he is a Viking forever, and I'm no longer personally offended. I just will never acknowledge him by name, and people should not ever think of Him as a Packer again.

I suppose I should work now.

That Feeling In My Stomach

I'm eternally an optimist. It may not seem that way because of how much I bitch and moan. But seriously, I try to look at the bright side of everything, give real people the benefit of the doubt (not celebrities or athletes, because fuck them) and live life to the fullest.

Same goes for my views on my sports teams. For instance, I'm buying into the Packer hype, and I'm feeling pretty good about their chances. The electricity in GB is slowly building towards Sunday, and we are all hoping for that explosion on Sunday night.

But I'm starting to get a bad feeling down in the pit of my stomach as it relates to the Packers and here is why. Every year, there is a team that starts out as a deep sleeper for the Super Bowl that is coming off of a subpar season, starts getting a little hype, has a huge preseason, and is suddenly the sexy "sleeper" pick for the Super Bowl. And then that team shits the bed. Unfortunately, I am getting the feeling that this year's sexy pick is the Green Bay Packers. And I say this because last night on my favorite network, there was an "Experts Roundtable" season preview show. At the end, the four "experts" had to make a Super Bowl prediction. And TWO of the four (Mort and Schefter) picked the Packers to win the NFC. Normally, I would be elated. But for a team that did not make the playoffs last year to become a trendy pick doesn't really make a lot of sense to me (even though I picked them to win the division), and has almost always turned into bad luck. I dunno, maybe it is just superstition, but that makes three "experts" (Mike Lombardi) that have picked the Packers.

IN UNRELATED NEWS: My wife used the word "titties" last night. And I scolded her for it. That is a word that only guys are able to use. Also on this list: "vag", "snatch", "gash", "titty balls", "titays", "melons", any other slang word used to describe the female anatomy, any slang term used to describe the male anatomy except "cock" and "dick".

"Conflicted"

One Hundred Percent Bullshit.

ESPN Hearts Big Ben

Is ESPN fucking serious? How are people supposed to take anything they say seriously? They stalk He and Vick, yet when Big Ben is sued, with some very serious allegations. It is completely ignored. There isn't one iota of information anywhere on their website. I'm not saying the suit is legitimate, but if Vick killing dogs is news, and all the steroid garbage is news, then quarterback of the world fucking champions getting accused of sexual assault is news. This doesn't even warrant an acknowledgement that it exists from the biggest sports media outlet in the world? Does anyone remember the Duke sexual assault case? Kobe Bryant? What does Big Ben have on ESPN? This REALLY pisses me off for some reason. It is completely inexcusable. It has been over 16 hours since PFT had reported it. I bet they don't go 16 seconds without reporting what kind of breakfast meat He had this morning.

And it is quite possible the shit is made up. All though to be honest, there are a lot of details there, that would be pretty hard to make up. And it sounds like there might be a video tape.

Shameless Tebow-isms

I've decided that I'm starting a new feature called: Shameless Tebow-isms. Whenever I accidentally run across one, I will post it here, and then we can collectively roll our eyes, and help whomever said it wipe the mess from their face.

From ESPN.com:

"How can the fiercest competitor in college football have the most compassion? Mr. Tebow is far from ordinary."-- Ivan Maisel

"Year After and the sense of entitlement that pervades the locker room like a staph infection. Gators, have no fear. Dr. Tebow will see you now."-- Ivan Maisel

"Great players can be found at the intersection of Talent and Passion. But that is an incomplete address for the Florida quarterback."-- Ivan Maisel

"Through his family's evangelism, Tebow has seen the Third World. Through his own outreach, he speaks at prisons in Central Florida. He visits local hospitals." -- Ivan Maisel

"Tebow has all the traits football prizes: toughness, competitiveness, desire. None of them is first on his list."--Ivan Maisel

""I don't really think about normal," Tebow said. "I think normal is something I never wanted to be." There was never any danger of that. No danger at all."-- Ivan Maisel

Fuckin' A

Attack of the BottomLine

More proof ESPN has quit trying to report news, and is basically E! News. This was the actual wording from the BottomLine last night on Game 3 of the Finals after a sentence about the Vikings "suspending pursuit of He": No timetable on when both sides WILL reconsider their positions. Are you fucking kidding me? An actual news organization would have left it at actual facts from the team "that they are allegedly suspending their pursuit." Or would have said something like, it is unclear if the Viqueens would reconsider at a later date. Instead you made up a fact that the sides will in fact reconsider, so in your opinion nothing is suspended. So basically, you aren't reporting anything. The Viqueens are not suspending shit. Two months from now, they will inevitably change their minds. Fucking idiotic. I am losing my will to live.

This Has To Be A Joke

Really? The Midway Motor Lodge? The Midway Motor Lodge is not even in the top 10 hotels in Green Bay. Would I stay there? Maybe, but I'm not a family member to a multi-millionaire either. I'm going to go ahead and call bullshit on this. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to call Chris Mortensen to tell him that He is coming to my employer that weekend so that I can drum up about 10 million web hits, and mentions on all national media. ESPN isn't even trying to report real news.

P.S. I should be getting word in the next few weeks to tell me which games I got tickets to. Do I try to sell Viqueen tickets if I get them? Do I revel in booing?

It's about time

Being a Brewers fan and being exposed to the Dome while being swept last week really put me into a funk. I don't know what the hell it is about the big inflatable toilet, but we just can't play good baseball there. Left with the prospect of being unable to attain my revenge because of a mid-week Brewers-Twins series at Miller Park, I was put into a mild sports depression.

Then we swept the Reds and Brandon Phillips talked shit. I'm better now.

Took this excerpt from a JSOnline post about All-Star voting. "One lucky fan will win a night in Ryan Braun’s suite at Miller Park, complete with meet and greet with Braun before the game. Full details are available on the website." What are the chances that this "lucky fan" is some random hottie that Braun plows through before the game? I'd say it's at roughly 97%.

So Donald Driver wants a new contract? Even though he's 34, the clear #2 WR on the team and makes 6.5 and 7 million dollars over the next two years? What? Did Javon Walker get really bored last week and mail Donald over some of his Kool-Aid? Here's a tip, don't take the same career steps as Javon "I was found bludgeoned in a Las Vegas hallway" Walker. Here's the ESPN article about it. I like how they conveniently mis-reported how much he's making over the next two years. Way to really dig into the story Bristol. Even after undercutting his salary by 3 million dollars a year they still make it sound like he's insane for demanding a new contract.

I'd probably have a lot more to say, especially about the Brewers, if I could actually watch some of their damn games, Bob paints a beautiful picture over the radio, but I sometimes lose 2-3 innings due to ramblings about the Hoover Dam and what not...