Tired of Uncle Sam

Tax season is officially (well I guess only technically, you could be one of those idiots in line at the post office at 11:58 p.m.) over. If you haven't guessed by past posts, my real job involves taxes for a few months per year. By real job, I mean the one I get sort of paid to do. Unlike my other jobs, which include: blogger, professional asshole, guy who bitches a lot, sports enthusiast, video game participant, beer connoisseur, and sex machine (just ask Sports Bottle). Unfortunately, I rather enjoy the jobs I do not get paid for, and not so much the one I do get paid for. I'm probably like 99.9% of America in those regards. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying that I'm waiting patiently for the residuals that Bear has assured me are in the mail, to start rolling in, and for UCSB616's job offer from Herm Edwards and ESPN.

While I wait, I'm going to make an effort to post more. You've heard it before, I've said it before, and it probably isn't any more true this time. Fuck off. As the other "members" of this blog can likely attest to, it is much harder to come up with stuff to write about than it looks like. Said task has been made harder by the advent of Facebook (in 2001, member since 2010!) and Twitter (homeless people were on before I was). I tend to waste one or two potentially great blog topics on a 120 character zinger. Which is funny because it isn't that much funnier when I stretch it into 10,000 words. Meaning perhaps I should stick to Tweets. Fuck it, I'm not going to do that.

I have found that baseball is a very easy sport to blog about, because something new happens every day. I love to blog about the Brewers, especially when something terrible happens like last weekend. I'm much more efficient being negative.

We are 15 games in, and the Crew is 7-8. Can't say I'm that disappointed. Looking at the schedule, I would've expected about 8-7 at this point. Really, we could be 12-3 or some such, but such is the fickle nature of baseball. I realized this evening as I was watching Rickie Weeks fuck up a simple double play against the Phillies which eventually led to a 1-0 deficit, that I haven't blogged about my least favorite Brewer yet this year. There are many candidates, but first I should get the qualifications out of the way. It needs to be a player that routinely seems to fuck up, and/or play well below their physical gifts/potential. This player also needs to play much, much more than is warranted, and would lead one to wonder if they have some kind of nude photo of the manager and/or the manager's daughter to use as black mail. In the Ned Yost years (other than Ned Yost himself) my least favorite Brewers were: Rickie Weeks (who has since totally redeemed himself and become one of my favorites), Jeff Suppan (who stick sucks donkey cock), Derrick Turnbow (aka Turnblow) and Eric Gagne. See, it is much easier to hate closers because they have such an obvious effect on game outcomes. I hated Weeks because Yost would stick him in the leadoff spot even though he hit about .200, and he was an abortion at 2B. I hated Suppan because he was terrible.

Right now, the following are on my list: Randy Wolf, Carlos Gomez, Mark Kotsay, Yuni Bettancourt and Erick Almonte. I'm taking Wolf off the list because he dominated in his last outing. I'm removing Kotsay and Almonte because even though they are truly terrible, they are fill in players, and will eventually be in Nashville or bagging groceries. I don't have a great feel yet for Yuni. He doesn't seem to do anything very well, but his suckiness might just be so absolute that I don't realize how bad he actually is. Plus, I had really low expectations for the Yuni era. That leaves me with Carlos Gomez. Gomez is fast, and he plays reasonably good defense (mostly because he's fast). But he is a moron. He is a terrible baserunner despite his ridiculous speed. He can't hit ATT ALL (he just got an RBI double as I type this), and Roenicke keeps sticking him at the 2 spot. He frustrates me to no end. In addition, he's got Tony fucking Plush, who is nearly as good on defense, probably as fast or faster, is a good baserunner, and can actually put the bat on the ball. In short, he's got Plushdamentals. I hate that Gomez plays over Plush for no reason.

On to this weekend again. What a disaster. Swept by a bad team. Can't happen. And what the fuck is up with Yo? He was awful yesterday. We have to get the game tonight because we get Halladay and Lee the next two games. And we can't get swept again.

OTHER RANDOM THOUGHTS

-CP3 is fucking awesome. Lakers will still win the series, relax.

-I purchased the new albums from Foo Fighters and Rise Against this weekend. The new Foo is absurdly good. The Rise Against album is solid too. One thing about Rise Against, and I've only heard the album before this one and maybe I didn't dissect it, but it seems like almost every song on this album is a political anthem. I didn't get that from the last album (although there were certainly a few). The music is great, but it is sort of a stressful and intense listen. No?

-Beer of the night: Mighty Arrow, the spring seasonal from New Belgium. A tasty pale ale if you are into it.

-Weather is calling for 6 to 10 inches of snow. This could be its own blog post. It is fucking April 18th. Seriously UCSB616, don't fucking move from California permanently. I realize there are a lot of problems there. But the weather is perfect. As awesome as we are in the midwest, the weather isn't worth it. It isn't. It is almost fucking May and I don't feel comfortable putting away my snowblower. Also, it was 40 with 30mph wind today.

-I did about 2 seconds of research. It seems that Tony Plush was created by Nyjer Morgan. The twitter feed is obviously not him, but he is a fascinating dude.

Who's Next? And Other Stuff

At long last, the long national nightmare that was Jeff Suppan being part of the Brewer's roster is over.

I haven't been this excited about a roster move since we were cured of our Yost Infection a few years back. This was long, long overdue, and the delay seems to be more of a product of Soup being a nice guy than a person who throws baseballs. As my high school football coach once said, "You might be a helluva guy, but you're not much of a football player." Whatever, he will take home more than ten million more dollars, partially due to the inconceivable club option AFTER the four years are up, where the Crew has to pay $2 million MORE next year to buy him out. I just got a nice spot on the sidelines and bruises from holding tackling dummies.

The important thing to take away from this is. Who's Next? Who shall take the mantle from Jeff Suppan as my least favorite Brewer? Who shall I bitch about incessantly until he is gone? This is sort of tough. Most of the guys left are sort of likable, and even if they suck (Hoffman) it is hard to hate on them. I guess I will lean towards Macha because he makes some mind bending decisions at times (see letting Parra pitch 2 innings the day before he was supposed to start a few weeks back at Minnesota, and then having to call up your third choice from AAA due to travel issues; also see randomly bringing in Dave Bush to throw to one batter last night, and then pulling him after striking the guy out, which I should add worked, but was really dumb), and isn't all that likable. Even when he says "poppycock". To be determined I guess.

OTHER STUFF

-I thoroughly enjoyed the NBA Finals/Stanley Cup Finals/Brewer game going three way head to head last night. The Stanley Cup was the only game not that close. The NBA series has been almost wildly entertaining.

-The plot thickens on Brandon Underwood's case. Crusin' Chubby's fine name is now linked. I'm sure that two thirty something females met at a strip club from Milwaukee at some time between 2 and 4 am were just innocent, sober patrons. Vegas has just put 1 to 4 odds on these females being "entertainers". As an aside, this doesn't mean there wasn't a sexual assault. Perhaps something illegal did happen. And if it did, then Underwood is a piece of shit. I just tend to side with the NFL player in these cases because I cannot recall a famous athlete ever being convicted of sexual assault, even though many have been accused. Finally, let me point out that I am SHOCKED that at least 7 NFL players in their 20's were in Wisconsin Dells and went to Crusin' Chubby's. Who does that?

-I'm probably going to watch U.S.-England on Saturday from start to finish, and I may even blog about it. I think I would put the total number of soccer games I have watched from start to finish in my lifetime at ZERO. ESPN has finally brainwashed me.

-Finally, this article is a must read. And I'm totally going to order that book when it comes out. As far as you know, I didn't ghostwrite the entire article. As far as you know. For some reason I look forward to four 16 team conferences. Although that just means less automatic bids to the Get Together.

Villa

I almost forgot in my blind rage over last night, that fucking Carlos Villanueva is going to start tonight. Not only is he horrible this year, but he was horrible as a starter in the past. Why trot him out there to give us 4 innings and then further slaughter an already slaughtered bullpen? I mean seriously. What the fuck? If you are going to do this, then what do you have to lose by throwing Dillard or some other AAA starter in there? Any time another team does it to the Crew, the Crew K's 10 times, and gets one hit in 8 innings. This just really fucking pisses me off. This is just like rolling out Bill Hall to face leftys, even though he can't hit them either, because he used to be able to hit them. I seriously fucking hate baseball managers some times. By the way, did Yost have like one more decision to make from the grave or something?

WANTED

For kidnapping! Someone has stolen Manny Parra! Either that, or he switched uniforms with the entire bullpen while we weren't looking, and Mitch Stetter was actually the one that pitched 7 shutout innings, while Parra burned down Miller Park with 5 runs in 2 innings. Those are really the only two logical explanations for yesterdays game. Also fun from the game yesterday was the line on ESPN BottomLine this morning: Fielder 2-3, 2B, R....Rest of team 1-25. Yikes. Are we SURE that starting pitching is the problem here? Or is it just a maddening lack of consistency by everyone?

You certainly can't give a break to the lineup. Hardy, Hart and Kendall have been borderline fucking terrible all year. Only Fielder, Braun and McGehee (and maybe Weeks for a month) have arguably exceeded expectations. I would say Counsell and Cameron are what they are for the most part. Hall has been a waste of oxygen. Gamel gets an incomplete.

Of the starting pitching I would say Yo has met or slightly exceeded most expectations, Bush has probably slightly exceeded (other than a few bad starts), Looper and Suppan are what they are, Parra has sucked.

I would say that this is the same thing that most MLB teams face. You have a bunch of guys who weren't very good to start with, continuing to not be very good, you have a few stars, and a few guys that bomb out or get injured. I'm starting to feel like unless there is a fire sale somewhere, you stand pat if you are the Crew. Although, I wouldn't hesitate to get rid of Hall, Hardy, Hart or Kendall if you were getting something good in return that would improve your team right now.

Miami Is Burning!!!

Where to start on last night's game. Well, I think I've found my new least favorite Brewer, and another rekindled my hatred. Both gave me something to bitch about today. Public Enemy number one is Jorge Julio. Wanted for one count of arson for single handedly starting the fire that burned down Joe Robbie Stadium (Landshark is not good), and then making matters worse by dousing his own fire with the gas can he has been carrying around all season. See, I hadn't been able to fully appreciate how much he sucks because he is so bad that he only pitches like once every two weeks. Like one of my bosses said to me today, "Who is that pitcher the Brewers threw out there last night?" And Julio has been on the team all season, which just goes to show how much he sucks. Here was his line last night: 0 IP, 2H, 4 ER, 5 R, 0K, 2 BB, 2HBP. Now THAT is major league quality. We really don't have anyone else in the minors that can do better? I realize he's got a high 90's fastball, but if he can't get anyone out with it, who cares? SportsBottle said he is Derrick Turnbow, which is a pretty apt comparison. Give me anyone that can throw a strike at 90 mph, even if the guy has no future with the organization, that can give me an inning or two of mop up every few weeks. Which is all Julio was ever fit to do. What the fuck was he doing pitching in a 2 run game?? At least Yost isn't still the manager, or you would be guaranteed to see Julio again tonight. Bad decision by Macha, worse pitching by Julio.

Public Enemy number two is Billy Hall, wanted for attempting to fan Julio's flames with the wind from he bat as he managed to swing through ball four, three times in an at bat with nobody out and the bases loaded, even though Miller had just walked two straight on 9 pitches, and then fell behind 3-1. Oh, and Miller is a lefty whom Hall is supposed to murder. I realize Hall has to play on occasion, but fuck. Give me SOMETHING. And by something I don't mean killing an early inning rally by swinging at pitches at your eyes.

"THE HANGOVER"

The first few times I saw the preview for this movie, I thought it looked fucking terrible and stupid. However, I just saw an extended trailer last night, and now that I understand the premise/plot a little better, it looks like it could be spectacular. I thought it was just going to be a goofy getting drunk and doing stupid things movie, which usually doesn't work. But actually, it is the guys waking up hungover and trying to piece together what happened, which we've all done, and could be fucking hilarious. The fat dude carrying around the random baby is great.

NYC TRIP

The wife and I are going to NYC in a few weeks. One of the few relevant things to discuss right now is the fact that I made a deal with Satan and bought New York Yankee tickets last night. I'm surly going to burn in hell for giving Stienbrenner any of my money. At least it was on the secondary market, so the Yankees already have their money. We are going to the June 18th Thursday afternoon game against the Nats. It will in all likely hood be a terrible game, but tickets were only $15 (ask my brother how good the seats are since I bought them), but the main thing is going there I guess. A tour was $20 each, so we might as well save $5 and get murdered rooting against the Yanks. Does anyone have a Nats hat I can borrow? We discussed going to a Mets/Rays game at Citi Field, but a) the tickets were a little more, b) seeing a good game between two teams I don't care about isn't that important and c) for some reason going to a game at Yankee Stadium seems cooler. So it should be pretty fun to get blackout drunk at a new stadium (note: probably won't actually get blackout drunk). This furthers my eventual goal in life to see a game at every MLB and NFL stadium before I die. The count will be 3 MLB (Milwaukee, KC, NYY) and 2 NFL (GB, MIN). So I've got a ways to go. (note: will probably never fucking happen).

Best Post in the World (Tribute)

Believe it or not, I had the best post in the world written, and fucking Blogger malfunctioned and I lost all of it. And I can't remember what that post said, so this is the Best Post in the World Tribute. The funny thing about it is that the Best Post in the World doesn't actually read anything like this post.

So my back is getting sore again from carrying this blog. We have FIVE fucking writers and we can't get ONE post out of anyone but me? Really? SportsBottle: put down that night stick covered in the blood of innocent minorities and write something, Twinkie: put down that dude's nutsack and write something, Bear: put down that cigarette and write something, LoafCobra: come back from the dead and write something.

BREW CREW HANGOVER:

I think my brother was right in saying that Hoffman was merely bored with perfection, and wanted to pitch under some pressure to make sure he was alive and not a cyborg sent here to destroy the earth.

Big ups to Kendall on that throw to third on the bunt. That was skilled.

I will now bitch about Billy Hall. I'm growing tired of his: "I was really good once, you should let me bat against right handers even though I hit .195 against them for the past two seasons." Ned Yost, errrrr.... Ken Macha is lucky that this "trust" in Hall only potentially cost us one game and not two. Gamel has to play against right handers, and should be given the opportunity against left handers. He allegedly had about the same average in the minors against both. Gamel is the future, Hall is the flash in the pan robber of salary.

Should be a fun weekend series in that cesspool, piece of shit, rotting, festering corspse, cesspool of pus filled, pandemic fostering, cooze known as the Metrodome. The Twinks won 20-1 yesterday, but then I heard that they were like 4 games under .500. Twinks are going to have a harder time withe Crew because we can do that thing called "Pitching". They don't really do much of that in the AL, and I've heard it is an important part of winning games. Also, the Crew can hit the shit out of the ball, and the Twinks are going to be throwing out two left handers, which is a bad idea because "Braun DESTROYS left handed pitching." If you don't get that reference then you haven't watched many Brewer telecasts this year. (P.S. "I'm not sure where that one missed." and "You know J.J. is seeing the ball really well when he drives one to the opposite field. It's just a shame it was right to a guy, or that would've gone for extra bases."). My prediction is Braun hits a rocket through the roof, which then collapses and kills a bunch of useless Loonies. Oh, that thanks go out to Richard/Bear/Twinkie for inviting me out for a game, you fucking pricks.

I will be stealing a literary device on one of these games tonight or Saturday.

OTHER

The NBA conference finals have been bananas. All three games have been epic, and I've been lucky enough to catch the end of all of them. Probably will do the same this weekend.

Finally watched the "Lost" season finale. I'm now dumber. I have no fucking clue what is happening. How are they possibly going to wrap this up????

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #11

THAT was cool as shit. I never expected to get goose bumps from a relief pitcher coming in during a 10-5 game, but that is some bad ass shit to come out to a song as cool as Hells Bells. What is odd about it is that you would expect him to come out firing 98 mph fastballs instead of 78 mph changeups. That is about all I got, except that Yost would've made Looper throw one at LaRoche's head immediately following Braun getting beaned, and we would've lost that game because McClung and Villanueva are unreliable at best. So chalk up a +1 to Macha for keeping his cool. And Pirates better watch their fucking backs today, because I have a feeling one might "accidentally" get away from Bush in the first inning.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #1

Well, here we are again. An opportunity to bitch and overreact about every loss in a 162 game season, and overreact and heap praise (and probably bitch) about every win. Clearly I have an inherent bias against Rickie Weeks (because he sucks) and Jeff Suppan (because he sucks). So know that going in. I'm not going to have much good to say about them. Weeks would have to win MVP and Suppan the Cy Young before they get any credit. Gone are arch nemises of the past: Geoff Jenkins, Matty Wise, Eric Gagne and Ben "Glass Joe" Sheets. And we can't forget Neddy Yost. So much my material is gone, although some of those on the list have been gone for more than a year, I still have occaisonal nightmares about Jenkins trying to hit a lefty, or Ned trying to execute a double switch.

So yesterday, I, like many others, was at "work" while Jeff Suppan was proving he was worth an opening day start. I assume Soup came out like gangbusters, buckling knees with his 82 mph fastball, and 81 mph change up, lets just check the box sc....What the fuck? 4 IP, 6 fucking ER? Jesus fucking Christ. And this comes against potentially one of the worst offenses in the league in one of baseball's least friendly hitting parks. It was 3 to fucking nothing before I even got a chance to put on gamecast yesterday. Unreal. And it wasn't like our other "options" proved to be any better. McClung walked 4 in an inning. Bush gave up a 2 run dong. Jorge gave up a blast on his first pitch. The hitting seemed to be fine, and we even chased Lincecum after THREE. (I'm pretending I didn't see Billy Hall hit into a double play with a guy on third and one out. Even though I mentally said it would happen because he hits in to a DP in that situation 94% of the time. Someone needs to do some research on that. Bear? You seem plenty motivated.)

I think I'm already starting to dislike Ken Macha. That decision to start Soup yesterday was not popular with anyone who knows anything about baseball. The theory to not start your best pitcher against the other team's best is retarded. In baseball, I think it is pretty fair to say that if the pitching matchup is close to equal, there is about a 50/50 chance to win every game. When one team puts their ace out there, their chances of winning generally go up, especially if they are facing a dogshit opposing pitcher. So yesterday instead of giving ourselves an almost even money chance to beat Lincecum by pitching Yo, we basically said, fuck it, we'll take our 25% chance with Soup, and hope to beat the other team's guy tomorrow with our best. We win that game yesterday with Yo, Parra or Looper. We put up six runs, and should win nearly every game with that output. Soup puts us at a disadvantage, and there is no way he is one of the best 25 players we have. How long of a leash do you think Macha gives him? If he does this for two more starts in a row, does he go to the pen? It's not like McClung showed anything today either, but he gives me a LITTLE confidence.

9:15 p.m. start tonight. I'll get home from work for the first pitch, and be out by the 3rd inning.

RANDOM VIDEO GAME STORY:

Game 1 of NLCS, Brewers at Cubs. Brewers take a 8-1 lead into the bottom of the 8th. Parra comes out of the bullpen (5th starter) and gets lit up for 4 in the 8th. Hoffman comes in and give up a pair of 2 run bombs to Aramis and Soto (walk off) and Brewers lose 9-8. I couldn't sleep that night.

Jesus.

Let's all celebrate the return of a convicted serial arsonist! Wheeee! If he makes the club, the Crew is fucked. My day is ruined. Tomorrow I'm going to find out that we brought back Ned Yost.