Holiday, Alleged Double Murder Bowl V Mega-Post!

HOLIDAY BENDER

So it is Christmas time. And this year it is extra special, because we are headed to Lambeau to worship the one true God (sorry Sports Bottle's god), Saint Vince. I'm headed to Lambeau for Packers-Giants in what amounts to a playoff game. What does this mean? Well, it means I have extra drinking motivation.

Typically in my family Christmas Eve is the night to drink. And while it doesn't always happen, if it doesn't, Christmas tends to be a fairly dry holiday. But this year is different. See, I plan to drink my way through the night tonight, while not getting out of control and feeling out the situation. It is weird to drink heavily by yourself, but sometimes my Dad, brother and cousins get in on the act and it turns to fun. We'll see. I've already been warned that I can't puke and/or be hung over tomorrow (does that mean I have a problem)?

Christmas Day usually involves a lot of driving and a few Old Fashions (google it if you aren't from Northeast Wisconsin), but not drinking heavily. However, since the Packer game is Sunday, we are expecting company on Christmas night in the form of Richard at least, and hopefully my brother as well. And, lets face it, I'm not capable of sitting around other dudes for a whole night and not drinking. Since it is Christmas night, there probably aren't bars open, so the bar will be open at my crib (and I'm pretty sure Grandma and Grandpa are getting me a bottle of Grey Goose, so there is that).

And Sunday, well, Sunday is going to be awesome. There is somewhere between 10 people and everyone I know going to the game on Sunday. It is a late afternoon start, which means a) more time to get over the previous night's hangover and b) an easier time drinking more prior to game time. Also, I took the liberty of not working on Monday, because I'm planning to go until my wife makes me stop. It should be epic. Oh, and there is going to be a great ass football game. I predict a really good crowd and a Packer win.

So being hung over/drunk for the next three days is in my future. Praise Jesus.

ALLEGED DOUBLE MURDER BOWL V


Now comes the time in the post where I stop being festive, and start getting serious. I've got some money to win this week. The White Broncos (11-4) are taking on Schmock's team (13-2). I handed Schmock a loss two weeks ago. But this time I've got some potentially serious injury issues. MoJo Drew is now being called a "game time decision", which fucking sucks because I'm going to the game and will be unable to change my lineup late. I may be forced to start Fred Jackson in his place. Schmock leads the all time series 6-4, but I'm currently favored by 8. MVP Aaron Rodgers v. former MVP Phillip Rivers and offensive player of the year Arian Foster. Winner becomes the first two-time winner of the league. The TV audience on TLC is expected to break records. The GooGoo Dolls are the halftime entertainment. Axl Rose is singing the national anthem.

But here is the deal. Schmock picked up MoJo's backup before I could get to him, so I'm serious now. I'm going to give a ridiculous pregame speech. I'm taking money out of Schmock's kid's mouth. I'm taking diaper money away. I'm just being real.


Merry Fuckin' Christmas boys and girls. Here's to hoping everyone gets the shit they want, pays their credit card bills on time, and eats and drinks way more than they should.

Beef O' Brady Sounds Awful

A few random thoughts:

-Is someone really going to sit there and make the claim that Bowl games are important and have history, while we have the fucking "Beef O' Brady's Bowl in St. Petersburg Florida" last night? I'm in a bowl pool and I couldn't bring myself to watch more than about 5 minutes. Also, Boise St. is playing in a December 22nd bowl called the Macco Bowl Las Vegas. Christ. (To be fair, Brent Musberger is announcing it, and he is selling it).

- A-Rodg is starting, which is good. This makes my weekend more fun. Because winning and being drunk is a lot more fun than losing and being drunk (more on this later in the week).

-Big OJSFA title game coming up: Me v. Schmock. Alleged Double Murder Bowl V preview later in the week too.

-Every time I might feel sorry for He Who Shall Not Be Named for almost dying in a football game. He goes and does something like telling Julius Peppers to "Beat the Packers", and then I remember that he is a horrible human being, and a lying piece of shit, and if there was a hell, there would be a special place in it for him.

-I didn't bother looking at the Top 50 all-time Viking list. I figured it would be Tarkenton, Foreman, Allan Page, Ahmad Rashad, Cris Carter, and a bunch of dudes I've barely heard of. Then I heard that Jared Fucking Allen was on it, and I wanted to see it less. What a joke. He Who Shall Not Be Named HAD to be on it then, doesn't he? Was Randy Moss on it? How about Adrian Peterson? I mean really, I'm not looking at the list, so maybe they are there and I just didn't care. I'm not even sure why I'm complaining about this. Oh, and nice fucking job freaking out about getting "screwed" out of your seat when they moved the game to TCF, and then NOT FUCKING SHOWING UP. A 3/4 full 50,000 seat stadium is an embarrassment.

-The Bucks, playing Andrew Bogut, a 5'3" guard and 8 other guys I've never heard of beat the Lakers. Hey, how bout that?

-Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. (Gross).

-Oh, and this is funny.

Playoffs?

It is semifinal week in the OJSFA!

GAME 1:

The White Broncos (10-4) v. OJSFA or Die (8-6)

LINE: Broncos by 25

SERIES HISTORY: Broncos lead 5-4

Thoughts: I'm going to kick Richard's ass. Brady is going to throw 10 TDs for him, all to Deion Branch, who starts for me.

GAME 2: Clown Baby (9-5) v. Schmock's Team (12-2)

LINE: Schmock by 3

SERIES HISTORY: Clown Baby leads 6-5

Thoughts: I'm not sure how either of these guys made the playoffs. Schmock almost went undefeated with Santana Moss as one of his starting wideouts. My brother was a playoff team all year with Knowshon Moreno and Ryan Matthew's failed expectations as his backfield. I think my brother hangs on due to A-Rodg being out for Schmock and A-Peter playing on an ice rink Monday night.

AWARDS

Aaron Rodgers won the MVP award. He was the best player on Schmock's team.

Past Winners:
2006: LaDanian Tomlinson
2007: Tom Brady
2008: Phillip Rivers
2009: Tom Brady

Arian Foster came from nowhere to win the Offensive Player of the Year. He scored the most points. He was on my team.

Past Winners:
2006: LaDanian Tomlinson
2007: Tom Brady
2008: Drew Brees
2009: Drew Brees

PACKERS PLAYOFFS

Check out the ESPN playoff machine. The Packers are totally and completely fucked. They almost have to beat the Pats to have good chance at the playoffs. Or the need the Vikings to beat the Bears with a converted WR at QB. And their fans will be angry, cold and sober.

I dunno, maybe Matt Flynn is good. I can't really imagine them winning. Pats by 17. And Belichick is still a dick.

CREIGHTON BLUEJAYS

Gregory Echenique makes his debut tonight on ESPN3 againt Idaho St. For those who don't know, Echenique is a transfer from Rutgers. He was the number 9 overall recruit two years ago, and the Big East freshman of the year. For a Valley school to get a guy like this is a big deal. I guess Echenique is immediately going to put up 30-20 every night. He is the Stephen Strasburg of the Creighton Bluejays. Good times.

By Popular Demand

I've been requested to give a recap of the only thing more boring than people talking about their fantasy football teams, and/or previewing fantasy football games: someone else's fantasy football draft.

But first, this quick aside. Madden '11. Vikings at Packers. 2nd quarter. He goes down with a torn PCL. Nice.

FRIDAY NIGHT

-Mark, my brother and I meet out at a bar for dinner. We eat, have a few beers. Mark needs to go to the grocery store. We end up deciding once in for all that we are making Ron Ron Juice. I'd like to jump in on myself here and point out that the three of us are 29, 26 and 29 years old respectively. And are not teenage girls. Ok, my brother and I both had vodka on the ready, so we needed the juice and fruit. We bought it. Went back to play Mark's arcade machine, drink Kul Lite (no umlaut available on Blogger). About 2 am I died.

SATURDAY

I went home to shower. While cleaning myself, Richard asked my wife out on a date for bloody mary's. Fucking prick. He gracefully invited me. We go to Stadium View at 10:00 am. Richard's car nearly gets towed because it is a game day. They were charging to park NINE HOURS before a PRESEASON GAME. And people were paying. And tailgating. This happens nowhere else on earth, I can promise you. We have a couple of drinks and head over for some drafting. Start pounding Horny Goat beer. It is good. Finally everyone arrives. We draft. Duper/Spensely managed to draft Ben Tate, who went out for the year that very evening. Which is funny as shit. Some other questionable picks were had, and the popular quote to take away was "Any time you can get a running back that splits carries with two other running backs, you probably need to draft him."

SATURDAY NIGHT

And now things get sketchy. It is decided after the draft that it is time for Ron Ron Juice. It was delicious. Then the Packers started. Well, the offense did anyway. Defense, not so much. I'm teetering on black out by like 8 pm., so what is the next step? You guessed it. Let's go to the bars. All I can really tell you about the bars is at some point we end up at either the gayest straight bar on earth, or the straightest gay bar. It had stripper poles, and it also had nothing but guys in it. Anyway, prior to this draft, my wife felt it would be a good idea to set up one of my friends with one of her friends. And when I tell you it was a disaster of epic proportions, I wouldn't be even close to adequately describing the carnage. In no particular order, the following occurred: guy having to be coaxed into talking to girl, girl ignoring him, awkward conversation (to put it mildly), completely random non-sensical rambling/slurred speech by guy, girl wearing a sombrero, guy grabbing a FULL (and unwanted) handful of girls ass, my wife apologizing to her friend, guy getting booted from the bar for reasons unknown (although being a drunken asshole is probably one of them), guy trying to come back and getting nearly thrown down the 29 steps by the bounce, guy leaving his hat at the bar which had a house key in it for some reason, even though he clearly had pants with pockets on, guy wandering around downtown Green Bay by himself and nobody really caring that much, 6 of us eventually hopping in a cab and leaving guy downtown with Schmock.

We then got back to Mark's. Bear used the blow up mattress in the living room as a trampoline. I broke my kneecap on Bear's head. I passed out, and am still sick. Fun!

Family Night and Draft Countdown and Rambling Incoherentness

6 glorious days until OJSFA draft weekend begins! I may do a full preview later, but here is a short one:

-Drinking
-Video Games
-Lots and lots of fake (?) gayness
-Extreme inappropriateness at all times
-Questionable draft picks
-More Drinking
-Hangover

I've been bad about posting anything on here, because quite frankly, there isn't anything going on. The Brewers make me physically ill (can't wait for Brewers/Cubs on September 11th!!!), and there is nothing on television. Except for Friday Night Lights, which really deserves its own post, but I'm going to just start talking about it now.

FNL

Awesome, albeit short season. I hope it comes back. The ending this season was extremely predictable, but ultimately satisfying. I got goosebumps, not going to lie. Although I've never seen a high schooler make a 46 yard field goal, it is more realistic than a 15 yard pass that travels 75 yards in the air, and is caught by an offensive lineman or something. Anyone who doesn't watch this show is stupid. There I said it.

BUT I DIGRESS

Back to the point, now that football is upon us, I've finally got something to write about. Tonight is Family Night at Lambeau. It is just an open practice that they televise, and charge people $10 for. 70,000 people show up and get drunk on a hot summer night. Truthfully, it is pretty boring to watch. With that said, I will probably watch some of it. Football is football, even if it involves the quarterback wearing a red jersey. Not really much to preview. I predict Rodgers throws a bunch of TD passes and Todd Rundgren gets played alot. Oh, and I bet the Packers win. I'm looking forward to seeing some of the rookies play (practice). I've heard Mike Neal looks like Arnold Schwartzenagger (sp) circa the mid 80's (all natural I'm sure). I've heard undrafted FA RB Quinn Porter has been awesome. And Morgan Burnett is going to be starting, so I look forward to seeing him. I remember about 20 years ago, this thing used to be free, and took place in the afternoon. At that time it was basically the only chance I got to get into Lambeau every year, so my dad would take my brother and I. Then we would realize that it was 110 degrees, and we had no money for anything cool to drink so we would leave. I would not pay $10 for this.

MORE RAMBLING

-I'm glad the Packers extended DD. He is still really good, and he deserves it. Has shown no signs of slowing down.

-I had two Blueberry Ales from Fox River Brewing Company last night, with fresh blueberries floating in it. Delicious.

-He Who Shall Not Named and Chilly think I'm really, really stupid.

Weekend Musings

-Happy 2006 every one! I officially became the last human being to join facebook yesterday. It really is an ingenious machine. What is great is that I've been on it for a day and I've already ignored two friend requests. And my mom made me here friend within 30 seconds of me signing up. Needless to say, it is going to be alot more G rated than this blog is. Hence the anonymous name. I was mildly obsessed about it for about a half day yesterday, but the excitement has worn off. I'm that guy. Now if I could just get an iPhone, I would be as cool as SportsBottle.

-I came to the realization that the past two days was the first time all season that I didn't see/follow/hear at least one pitch of back to back Brewer games. Yes, they are officially done. Also, of course Corey Hart dove into the wall and hurt himself. Thank you to Doug Melvin for screwing this one up by standing around playing with himself while we have a guy that is clearly playing out of his mind that needs to be traded now.

-My brother called me yesterday to tell him that a random co-worker of his told him that Prince was traded to the White Sox for Gavin Floyd, Gordon Beckham and a prospect. I immediately went online and couldn't even find a rumor of this. This person is an idiot.

-Seriously, football needs to start like yesterday.

-I toured the facilities for the site of the OJSFA draft on August 14th last night. I was impressed. It was nicer than I thought it would be. Mark's dog nearly ate me though. Who is going to be the first to feed it booze?

-Madden is coming out on August 10th. I will be at the store purchasing it. Allegedly they made it so you can play whole games in half the time now. Not sure how that works. But I'm excited. And I'm 29.

Early OJSFA Picks

So Bear and T.J. both kept 2 WRs and a RB. One of the WR names is Sidney Rice (not related to Jerry Rice). Good luck when He Who Shall Not Be Named obviously retires. Also, Bear left two time MVP Tom Brady, LeSean McCoy and Brandon Marshall unprotected (fuck his team was good).

The draft rolls on.

I'll Just Throw This Out There

I believe that Ryan Grant is an average running back. He is frustrating to watch in that he is not at all flashy, and rarely breaks tackles. He is an average receiver. He has average speed. It takes him an average of 10 games to get to his peak. He averages 2.9 yards a carry (not actually). He is the type of back that does nothing to scare another team, yet at the end of the year he has 1,200 yards and 8 TDs. By starting him and giving him 98% of the carries, the Packers are basically saying to the opponents "We are going to run it three times in the first quarter to keep you honest, and if we get up by three TDs we will run. Otherwise, you can expect a heavy dose of A-Rodg. Please plan accordingly." I don't necessarily hate this offense, even though it is predictable. But it would be nice to have some kind of threat or at least a change of pace. The majority of the teams that run effectively do it with more than one back. Brandon Jackson has shown some flashes, but isn't given much opportunity, and hasn't shown he can stay healthy when given 2 carries a game. Ahman Green was arguably more effective than Grant, but again, was not given an opportunity.

I think you know where I am going here. And because every sports talk radio program in the country is bringing it up, I figured I would give you the opinion of a card carrying member (it went through the wash and then was stolen, but still) of Packer Nation. Would the Pack consider signing LDT or Westbrook's corpse? How about Thomas Jones when he gets executed (figuratively) by the Jets later this week?

We need to make a few assumptions in order for this to work. First, lets assume that Ted Thompson knows how to use a phone. Or that at least he has gotten it fixed since he signed Woodson. Second, lets assume that those backs are willing to share time, and willing to do so at a reasonable price for a year or two in order for a shot at a title, and believe that the Packers have a chance to do that (which while not exceedingly likely, is not insane). Third, the backs are healthy enough to play part time (not a guarantee with Westbrook, who should probably retire before his brain completely leaks out of his head).

If all those conditions were met, the Packers definitely have to consider it. What could it hurt? Grant is already probably past his prime. And the Pack will be looking to the future either this year or next for a RB early-ish in the draft. If you aren't giving those backs 20 carries a game, I think they would be nice options to split time with Grant for a year. Windows in the NFL are extremely short, and I think the Pack has an opportunity to go for it in the next year or two. It might fail miserably, but I think it is a chance they should consider.

On the player's side, they need to take a look at Shaun Alexander (both famous in the OJSFA AND for some reason on a bag of Doritos the other day in a Seahawks uniform) and realize that they aren't going to get a huge payday from anyone. Also, off the top of my head, I can't think of a team that needs a running back bad enough to sign them to start.

LDT, Westbrook and Jones, even at 80% are just as good as Grant, and an upgrade over Jackson. If they aren't going to go there for whatever reason (someone could throw money at LDT, although I would be pretty surprised), I think they need to think about a back in the first half of the draft. It isn't their biggest need by any means, but it is a position that generally requires either a strong time share or a dominant star, and the Packers have neither.

Or they could just let A-Rodg throw it 50 times a game and try to break all of His records just to "get revenge" on Him. Either way I guess.

BREAKING NEWS!!!

DE PERE, WI--Al Cowlings has been fired as head coach of The White Broncos of the Orenthal James Simpson Football Association. Cowlings led The White Broncos to a championship last season, but failed to make the playoffs for the first time in three years going 7-9. He was the first and only coach of the franchise, and owner Juicelaw said at the time of his hiring in 2006: "He was the obvious choice. He was the only choice." Reached for comment, Al Cowlings replied "I'M A.C. DAMMIT!"

The search for a replacement was over quickly as The White Broncos immediately hired the urn containing the ashes of Johnny Cochran. Cochran had been the offensive coordinator for the Cleveland Browns.

Now Announcing!

Your 2009 OJSFA League Champion! The Jolly Pharmaceuticals! I will be the first to say this was long overdue, I deserved it because I've been consistently better than everyone else in this league for going on 4 years now and people like Brian Westbrook(2008) and Tom Brady(2007) have been fucking me in the playoffs way too much. I am the greatest champion this league has ever known and also the most humble. I respectfully and deservedly accept your praise and idle worship.

Thank you,
Jolly Pharmaceuticals

Holy. Sh*t.

Not much to say here other than the last two posts are now worthless.

From the OJSFA front page on Yahoo!:

League Notes
Please note the NFL changed its ruling of Kurt Warner's week 15 touchdown pass to Anquan Boldin to a lateral, making it a rushing play. Stats related to this play have been updated to reflect this change.

Which means it is now Bear taking on Loaf Cobra (Faribault Frauleins), because Loaf Cobra now won by 2.7 instead of losing by 3.3. My brother had Warner.

I immediately knew something was wrong when my phone rang at 9 a.m. and it was my brother. I figured either someone was dead, or there was a terrible fantasy football accident because he never calls that early. Drama.

Direct quote from Ms. Juice, "I would be fucking irate if that happened to "us". Because I love money. Especially when I don't have to do anything to get it." Marital bliss.

OJSFA Championship: Alleged Double-Murder Bowl IV

That is just a working title by the way. We could go with "Knife Bowl", "Stabbing Bowl", "Throat Slash Bowl", "Acquittal Bowl". I'm willing to take suggestions.

Anyway, this started out as a comment, but this really deserves its own post. I think what is fascinating about this matchup is the true hatred/homosexual tension between these two. The only other rivalries in this league with more latent homosexual tension are any games involving Duper.

From someone who knows both owners, they are basically the same person. Both drank themselves out of school early, and later returned. Both are assholes. Both drink (smoke?) too much. Both enjoy video games and long walks on the beach. Both are bachelors who are living the dream in their mid to late 20s. Both live in shitty college towns (River Falls and Oshkosh). Both pretty much do whatever the fuck they want whenever they feel like it. Both are my personal heroes.

This rivalry began in 1998 or 1999, at a small to mid-sized high school in Northeast Wisconsin when Bear decided for no good reason to pour nacho cheese sauce all over my brother's hot lunch. This led to a series of threatening phone calls from my dad to Bear, demanding that $1.10 for the lunch ticket. At some point, I believe at my wedding, Bear gave the lunch ticket to my dad. Fun was had by all.

Then Bear had to go pick up Shaun Alexander off of waivers, after Twinkie dropped him (Alexander was a top 5 pick and not yet completely useless), and trade him to my brother, only to have Alexander fall off a cliff and die. This did not make my brother happy. Then, last year, Bear traded my brother Tom Brady 45 seconds before he blew out his knee. And to rub it in his face, after my brother panicked and cut Brady, Bear picked him up, kept him, and he won his 2nd MVP in 3 years. So there is history.

Vegas has put Clown Baby as a 2 point favorite. 265 o/u.

I guess I hope my brother wins, because if he dies, in some sort of weird "I'm my own grandpa" circumstance, I could inherit that $250.

OJSFA, the championship game

How has there not been more hype this week that the championship game is between myself(Jolly Pharmaceuticals) and Juice's brother(Clown Baby)? We are the most dynamic members of the league and without us, there would have been no good moves/shake ups at all in the last 4 years. Write that down.

The history is there, the teams are there, the flailing, gasping for their breath as the end of the year draws neigh, who knows which one is gonna show up QBs are there. This game has all the makings of being one for the ages. I mean look at this matchup

QB:
Tom Brady vs. Kurt Warner

Advantage:
Even.
Both Warner and Brady have had huge games and absolute shit shows... Brady on the year has been better overall, but some of that is inflated stats from that huge game against the Titans


RB:
Thomas Jones, Ricky Williams and Steven Jackson vs. Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells and Laurence Maroney

Advantage:
Clown Baby
I don't trust that Chris Johnson won't go off for 45 points against me and as of late Beanie and Maroney have been fairly consistent. My 3 could edge out his 3, but I don't think any of them are going to blow up for a 30+ point week.


WR:
Brandon Marshall and Miles Austin vs. DeSean Jackson and Megatron.

Advantage:
Jolly
I'll give myself the edge here, simply because who the hell knows if Johnson will even get a ball thrown his way that is catchable. Huge talent that's definitely been causing fantasy owners pains this year because of a rookie QB and a shitty team.


TE:
Brent Celek vs. Fred Davis

Advantage:
Push
It's your TE spot... Even in a PPR league their production can really vary. Celek has been good for 10-15 in a lot of games this year, so he's probably more consistent. Campbell loves checking down to his TE though, so Davis gets a lot of garbage catches and points. Interesting side note here, Bizarro bid 15 bucks on Davis last week and I bid around 12 as insurance against Celek being hurt. Davis scored 17.5 points last week and Bizarro beat TJ by what? 3 points? If I had pulled my sack out from between my legs and bid half my 40 dollars I had left, in the second to last week of the season, TJ would have more than likely made the championship game.


K:
Just kidding, who gives a shit


DEF:
Minnesota vs. Houston

Advantage:
Clown Baby
Minnesota's D used to be awesome... Now they suck balls, but they're playing the Bears and Cutler is one insulin fueled low blood sugar fit away from throwing 7 picks at any given moment so I'll take my chances. Houston plays Miami, who knows if he'll actually even stick with them? All I know is, after the last 2 weeks, the Queens D can definitely stink up the joint.


So there's my expert breakdown of the match up. My prediction for the winner? I'll leave that up to the fans to decide.

OJSFA Playoff Previews!

RIP Billie Jean (8-6) at Jolly Pharmaceuticals (9-5)

One of these teams will become the first team to get to its second championship. The other will be ridiculed. Twinkie (alleged Bastard) v. Bear (definitely sometime Bastard)

History: Series tied 4-4
Playoff History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
Recent History: Billie Jean won both meetings
Key Players: Billie Jean: WR duo of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald; Jolly: MVP QB Tom Brady
Odds: Billie Jean by 7 1/2, O/U 262.5

Faribault Frauleins (8-6) at Clown Baby (9-5)

Loaf Cobra, a dude who used to blog on this site and who's name appears to the left, has defied the odds and made the playoffs in his franchise's second year. He's playing by brother, the Unknown QB.

History: Series tied 1-1
Playoff History: None
Recent History: Faribault won the only meeting this season. By 67 points.
Key Players: Clown Baby RB Chris Johnson; Faribault has RB Ray Rice
Odds: Clown Baby by 1, O/U 280.5

Hatin' and Complainin'

-I hate fantasy football. This week marks at least the third time I've lost by less than 5 points. I'm now 5-7 and have virtually no chance at the playoffs. I've now lost four straight turns on TE roulette. This week, I started Vernon Davis who had a nice game (18 points), and sat Antonio Gates who of course had his best game of the year (7 catches, 118 yds, 2 TD, 30 points). Last week I started Gates, who shit the bed, while Davis went off. The week before I started Davis and Gates went off. The week before I started Gates and Davis went off. It is a virtual guarantee that if I start a TE, the other guy is going mental. Also, I would have won two of those games had I started the right TE.

-I hate Vince Young. I also lost yesterday because my brother was forced to start Vince Young at QB. And Vince Young decided to turn into John Elway circa 1986, and drive the fucking Titans 99 yards, culminating in a last second TD pass which turned out to be the difference in my fantasy game. Did Vince Young forget that he is an mediocre QB, clearly not capable of doing what he did. 387 YARDS??? Are you fucking shitting me??? If you are keeping score at home I've now lost when MJD kneeled at the one, and when Vince Young drove 99 yards with under two minutes left and threw a last second TD. I am the Houston Texans of the OJSFA.

-Creighton's trip to Orlando for the Old Spice Classic was an absolute disaster. Up 10 to #15 in the American Popularity poll Michigan in the second half, they shit the bed in OT. They got crushed by similarly situated, but bigger named Xavier. The lost to fucking Iona. They wasted a great opportunity, and have nobody to blame but themselves. The only conceivable way they are getting an at large is if they run the table. Not enough good teams left on the schedule (and yes, I know it is November 30th). Teams from the Valley don't get many shots at legit tournament teams, and they have to take full advantage when they do. They need to get right and concentrate on winning Arch Madness.

-I purchased tickets to Packers v. Ravens next Monday night, from a legitimate broker, for $49 each. Which is $10 less than face value. Which is insane.

Short Week = Very Little Work

It is November 23rd. I live in Northeast Wisconsin. It is like 50 degrees out. The weather this weekend, and especially yesterday when I was outside most of the day was unfair. I'm positive I've been to Packer games in late November when it was 10 degrees out. Yesterday I had on a sweatshirt and jeans and could not have been more comfortable. It was awesome. The first half performance of the Pack was equally awesome. The 49ers had NEGATIVE 6 yards passing in the first half. Take away that random 50+ yard run by Gore and we are talking somewhere in the neighborhood of 25 total yards allowed. The Pack did whatever they wanted on offense, including RUNNING THE BALL. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that when your running back, even one as mediocre (at best) as Grant is getting six yards a carry, you should probably give him more than 21 carries. If you can run at six yards a clip, you are impossible to beat. Just another 344yd 2TD, 0INT performance by Rodgers, which is quickly becoming an average game. Sports Bottle is correct about the second half. McCarthy either made no adjustments, or adjusted conservatively and got overmatched by Singletary in the second half. The Niners made it interesting. I hope Harris isn't out for any length of time, but initial reports aren't good. At one point in the second half, the right side of our defensive backfield contained the names: "Bush", "Underwood" and "Bigby". That has 40 points written all over it. Tramon Williams is serviceable, but we are going to struggle in passing downs. Right now, things are looking up at 6-4. I think every game we have left is at least winnable (and losable I suppose).

One awkward thing about yesterday was the pre-game. I posted up at Buffalo Wild Wings at 9:30 a.m. Typically, this is just early enough to get one of the last remaining tables. But for some reason, it never got ridiculously packed in there. I thought, well, maybe the weather is just that good that everyone is outside. But even outside there weren't that many people. It wasn't until we actually got to the line to get into the stadium that it didn't feel strangely quiet. The crowd was normal, so that part wasn't affected. Was it deer hunting? Perhaps. Just was a little odd.

I couldn't convince my old man to come get me before the game, so I ended up getting mildly intoxicated, but having to turn down that last beer. Also, my old man somehow managed to eat a breakfast of pancakes before leaving for the game, then ordered 8 boneless wings (which was all I was able to eat) AND 3 pulled pork sliders with fries. He also had three 23 oz Sam Adams Winter Lagers, which are also filling. It is incredible how much he is able to eat. I felt like I was going to puke when we left BWW and I didn't have the pork sliders.

-The Badgers shit the bed, and as you'll see later, now must win to have any chance at the Get Together.

-I went to the UWGB-Long Beach St. game on Saturday. It was another excuse to drink before noon. The arena was about 1/3 full. Not a terrible game. UWGB lost by 12. The tickets were free. It continues to amaze me that UWGB can get only about 3 to 5k for a game, while Creighton can get 17,000.

-UW plays Arizona at 11 p.m. tonight in Maui. Chances I stay awake to see any of it? 0%

-My OJSFA team, The White Broncos, have fallen to 5-6 after my third straight ass beating. I pretty much need to win out to make the playoffs. I am beyond annoyed by my team.

-I plan to do as little work as possible for the next three days. I used my last vacation day on Friday, even though I shouldn't have to. That day should be an automatic holiday. It is fucking retarded that I have to waste a vacation day.

-It is my birthday tomorrow. Pour out some liquor for planet earth.

Money Well Spent

I'll be completely honest, the amount of "cash" I spent on Mike Sims-Walker was well worth it. The money I spent on Matt Hasselback was not well spent, but I don't give a shit, I knew I wouldn't be picking anyone else up for the rest of the year.

I'll admit I didn't watch as much of the Packer game as I would've liked. And I'll admit I found myself watching the Colts/Ravens game on CBS because I have Peyton Manning. But I've finally learned my lesson. I simply cannot watch my fantasy players. After approximately 15 years of fantasy football I've finally realized my fantasy players suck big floppy donkey dick when I watch. Manning threw a pick and couldn't get in the end zone from the 5 as I watched. This is an intense season of OJSFA. A TV deal is right around the corner. Maybe the Ocho?

The Packers did something all teams seem to do - after dominating the first half they changed their course of action in the 2nd half. Why the FUCK would any coach do that? Get up 40 before you lay down and take a shit.

The NFL is completely fucked up this year. How can the Raiders beat anyone? How does Pittsburgh lose to KC? Brady Quinn threw for 3 TDs in one quarter and he's worse than awful. That makes me feel pretty good going into the Thanksgiving game against the Lions. A Westwood One announcer on the radio last week stated, "I can't believe how bad Cleveland is." I love when the Packers play on Thanksgiving. But an 11:30 game is pretty early for me.

TV review - Dexter - absolutely fantastic show. I just finished season 3. The premise of the show is great and there are a million tiny dark humor moments. I believe there are probably many people who wouldn't see the humor. That's too bad for them.

New season of South Park is fantastic. Cartman singing "Poker Face" is classic.

Video game review - New Super Mario Brothers Wii - fucking awesome. It's the classic Mario game for the Wii, but much more difficult. The best part is that up to 4 players can play at the same time. I've actually got my girlfriend to play with me, bless her heart. She sucks, but she tries. Players have the option to allow another player to play a certain part solo, and she knows when to sit back and let the master (me) take over. Nothing gets a guy some ass more than his Mario skills. Jot that down.

Tar Heel update - a very good, yet young, team this year. I'll predict 8-10 losses this year and probably a 5 or 6 seed. There offense simply isn't good enough this year to allow as many points as they do. But it's anyone's guess how good they'll be by the end of the year and into the ACC Tourney. Y'all will need to get used to the fact that they will win the NCAA Tournament once every 4-5 years. Roy Williams is simply too good of a recruiter. They have a top 5 class this year and they already have three top 20 recruits next year, including #1 Harrison Barnes.

Great Moments In OJSFA History

Lets put aside for a second the fact that Mark decided for some reason to put his wedding over fielding a complete team this week. It is what it is. Mark didn't start a TE or DEF. Fine. I get it. I'll admit I'm lucky. But consider what happened last night, and tell me it isn't super fucking cool. Or at least dramatic.

I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.

I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?


This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.

"DAVID V. GOLIATH"

Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.

VEGAS

We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.

I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.

MORE CAB STUFF

I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?

Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers

$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.

Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.

The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.

OTHER NOTES:

-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.

-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.

-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?

-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.

-59-0. Yikes.

-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.

OJSFA Week 6 Preview

Man, I hate when I get raped like I did last week. It is a good thing I only have to wait a week to get my revenge on Twinkie. And NOT, I repeat NOT, in fantasy football.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

Schmock's Team (3-2) v. Faribault Frauleins (Loaf Cobra) (3-2)

Schmock continues to be undefeated against any team not named after a vehicle used by O.J. Simpson (driven by A.C. DAMMIT!) to escape police in 1994. The Frauleins continue to win despite really not having a very good team on paper. Perhaps I should pay more attention to paper.

Line: Schmock by 8
History: Frauleins lead 2-0

OTHER GAMES:

The White Broncos (Juicelaw)(3-2) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (Mark)(2-3)

Mark will be dead before this game starts. Will his team respond? That is the real question here. By the way, Mark has already doubled his all-time win total in 5 games this season.

Line: Broncos by 21 1/2
History: Broncos lead 2-0

Clown Baby (2-3) v. Heywood Jablome (Sports Bottle)(3-2)

Mike Sims-Walker single handedly knocked Sports Bottle out of first place last week. To fix that problem, he spent $746 (approximately) of the $100 we had to spend on waiver claims for a QB that threw 4 TDs against Jacksonville, which might be the worst defense not named St. Louis in the league. His name is Matt Hasslebeck and if his back doesn't fall off this week, he may actually have a good game.

Line: Heywood by 24
History: Tied 4-4

RIP Billie Jean (Twinkie) (5-0) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (Richard) (1-4)

Twinkie continues to roll. Ricky continues to shit himself every week. Only reason this wasn't the worst game is that luck should count for something, and Twinkie has plenty of that.

Line: Billie Jean by 33
History: A-Rodg leads 3-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:

Marino for Prez (Duper) (2-3) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (Bear)(1-4)

Bear's team sucks. Even on paper. Roddy White catching 8 TD passes last week couldn't get him a win.

Line: Marino by 5
History: Tied 1-1