Drunken Brewers/Twinkie Preview

In about 2 1/2 hours, I'm embarking on my most ambitious tailgating venture ever as I take off to Milwaukee to watch the Brewers take their second straight from the Twinks. It is my most ambitious ever because we are bringing a table. Otherwise it is the same as any other. Regardless, myself, Mrs. Juice, Sports Bottle, the soon to be Mrs. Sports Bottle, Richard and friends are going to get fucked up and enjoy the ridiculous weather. I put the over/under on number of innings I remember at 6.5. I put the over/under on inning Richard passes out at 7.5. Fun will be had by all.

One quick side note: U.S. is playing Mexico in some fake soccer tournament tonight. While I am aware of it, I would never make plans around watching it, or probably even think to watch it when it was on. I guess I'm in the minority though because according to ESPN.com, of like 129,000 voters, 39% are the most excited about this match vs. 4 other sporting events (MLB, NASCAR, CWS, Wimbledon). While that isn't exactly a murderers row, I'm SHOCKED that a relatively meaningless soccer match won.

Conspiracies, Loonies and Bad Movies

A list of random bullet points, some of which are irrelevant because they are days old:



- I will start with conspiracies. Richard and I logged on to the Twin's website at 9 a.m. sharp to purchase tickets to Brewers v. Twins in May. We were both promptly placed in an online waiting room. About 9:20, we received a message that the tickets were no longer available online....unless, that is, we want to purchase season tickets. First of all, that is fucking ridiculous. But that isn't all. Sunday's game gave us a similar message. A click back on Saturday gave the same message, with a link to StubHub, where there were over a 1,000 tickets available, less than a half hour after tickets went on sale!!! So here goes the conspiracy theory: 1) The Twins are no different than the Vikings when it comes to screwing Wisconsin fans. The Vikings force anyone that wants to buy a ticket to the Packer game to buy a preseason game too. I believe the Twins want season tickets sales, so they are doing whatever they can to get it. 2) There is no fucking way all of the available tickets were put up for sale on Saturday. While it is feasible to sell out a large number of weekend games over the course of a half day or so, there is no way every ticket was sold in 20 minutes. Even if we assume that 22,000 (which is the latest estimate I heard) were gone by way of season tickets. That means that nearly 18,000 tickets had to go in 20 minutes. This translates to nearly 1,000 tickets a minute, which, is fucking impossible. 3) It is also pretty unlikely that within 20 minutes, 1,000 of these alleged 18,000 ended up on StubHub.

I believe that the Twins not only held back a number of the single game tickets, but also put some on Stub Hub themselves to try to raise Joe Mauer money.

So now, I have to wait it out and hope to get a $20 ticket for less than $50.

-I saw a horrible movie on Saturday. "Brooklyn's Finest" is an absolute piece of shit. And I wanted to like it. But I couldn't even justified being entertained despite giving it the benefit of the doubt, and the gratuitous violence, nudity and harsh language (all of which are requirements for me to love a movie). The story (or stories) was just so bad and pointless that the other things couldn't overcome it. Two of the three main characters (Ethan Hawke and Richard Gere) were depressing and unlikeable. The other main character (Don Cheadle) was the only one I cared about at all, and even he (who I love) was not able to carry the other two thirds of the shitty movie. The only other good thing was that the scenes appear to have really been shot in Brooklyn's projects. So to recap: nudity + violence + swearing + Don Cheadle - an awful story= 3 out of 10. I would not even recommend renting it.

-LT to Viking fans: Fuck you. I don't want to play with He Who Shall Not Be Named. And your coach sucks.

-For the first time in recent memory, Bucky didn't get hosed by the selection committee. I like their path to Kentucky in the Sweet 16. And from there? Who knows? I am going to have to DVR the game Friday because they play at 1:50. Which is going to ruin my whole Friday afternoon because I will be a) stressed out about some asshole ruining it, and b) won't be able to watch the games while they are happening.

My Thoughts and Sports Bottle's Prayers...

-Go out to Minnesota Twins fans everywhere. Believe me when I say that Joe Nathan's arm falling off hurts me more than it hurts you.

-Go out to our fellow Milwaukee Brewer fans. If yesterday is any indication (3IP, 6H, 3ER), we may have to endure a season without Jeff Suppan and his 5.68 ERA in our starting rotation, it is going to be extremely tough on me personally because I always bet the over when he pitches...

-Go out to people trying to ignore the NBA. The Bucks have won 10 of 11, and aren't going to let you.

-"Lost" fans. Clearly all of your questions have already been answered after last night. You might as well quit watching.

The Sounds of Silence

Non-Packer/suicide post coming straight at you!

I was informed the other day while watching SportsCenter that they are still playing something called baseball. I wouldn't have even known, but they interrupted my "news" of He Who Shall Not Be Named bruising a vulva this week but that "he will play next week" (no shit.)

What is strange to me is that 40% of the "bloggers" on this website are "Twins fans", yet I have heard not a peep regarding the fact that they are in the midst of the only real pennant race (2 1/2 back, 13 left to play including 4 vs. Detroit) in the league. I was completely unaware of the fact until I saw the graphic and spit my Cookie Crisp Sprinkle Cookies all over the couch this morning. How the fuck are the Twins in a pennant race? They have like 2 players I have ever heard of. That division is terrible, and you can't convince me otherwise.

Last year, when the Crew was in the only real pennant race of my lifetime, I was having trouble sleeping because the shit was so tense. And we can't even get ONE post? I can only assume that 40% of the bloggers are either dead, homosexual or both.

Fucking people from Minnesota.

IN OTHER NEWS

I made the two week marathon title game in my fantasy baseball league with the old guys. And the old guys are NOT happy. I got about 20 posts about how "lucky" I am, and how everyone is rooting against me because I'm an asshole. My response was a post about how of course I'm fucking lucky, because it is literally 98% luck since I am unable to call Prince Fielder to tell him to a hit a homerun for my team. It just isn't all that difficult to keep a game close and hope for the best. It really pissed them off when I told them that I was the Phil Jackson of fantasy baseball and I just put my best guys out there and hope for the best. Especially since these guys have all lost their children over this league. Seriously, this shit is the most intense league I've been a part of. They take it WAY too seriously. So I'll just have to win it.

OKTOBERFEST

My asshole is starting to tingle. Which means it is a mere 3 days from now. I have to stop off at the store to buy Richard some floaties for when that female serial killer throws him in the river at 3 am.

Fire Joe Morgan

This is one of the more clever things I've ever read on the Internets. I laughed out loud more than once, and it was so good I read it twice. It involves three of my most favorite things: Jesus, Derek Jeter and Joe Mauer. I may be a little sarcastic on all three. But I'm not making up the fact that the article is great.

Ken Macha is an Elephant

Because he never forgets. Three months after the cheap fastball between the shoulder blades from Jeff Karstens to Ryan Braun, what are the odds that Karstens will come to the plate as a hitter? As a reliever? It matters not to Ken Macha, who clearly ordered a code red in the form of a fastball to the back of Karstens. Fucking loved it. Will there be repercussions tonight?

IN OTHER NEWS

-The Twins fucking melted down. Which is nice.

-Jack Nicholson is either senile, or should stick to basketball, or both. I saw hit on SportsCenter this morning at a Phillies-Cubs game, wearing a Yankees hat. What the fuck? Dude, first of all, you live in LA. Shouldn't you be at a Dodger or Angel game? Second of all, I don't have a problem with going to a random game elsewhere, but do you think you could have either a) just combed your fucking hair or b) wore a plain hat or c) wore a Phillies hat? There is no way you are even a Yankee fan. You are just wearing it to "look cool". Nothing pisses me off more than to see someone at a Brewer-Cub game with a Pirates hat on. Or at a Packer-Panther game with a Bears jersey on (saw it this year). Fucking either go to your team's game, or tone it down. There should be a rule that you are automatically ejected from the premises if you have random team apparel on.

There is Funny, and Then There Is Richard's Travel Schedule

King Richard lives in Minnesota. Yet this summer, there are many, many important things going on in Wisconsin that would require a drive here, and drinking too much to drive back in one day. The joke a few months ago was that he should just rent an apartment for the summer, because it would make more sense. That schedule got even funnier last night when he agreed to bite the bullet and pay for a preseason Packer game, in exchange for a ticket to the Sunday night season opener against the Bears. From what I can piece together, here is his weekend schedule starting August 1st.

August 1: Bachelor Party in G.B.
August 8: OJSFA Draft in Stoughton
August 15: Packers v. Browns in G.B.
August 22 thru Sept 6: Off
Sept 12: Packers v. Bears
Sept 19: Off
Sept 26: Oktoberfest in La Crosse
Oct 3 and 10: Off
Oct 17: Wedding in G.B.
Oct 24 and 31: Off
Nov 7: Wedding in Madison

That makes 7 weekends in Wisconsin and 8 weekends at home from August 1 to November 7. Also, this doesn't include Schmock's bachelor party, which I imagine would occur in September or October in Wisconsin, or the inevitability that he will probably come to a game in December or something. Seriously Richard, this is hilarious to everyone but you. Just give up the charade of living in Minnesota and fucking move here.

BREWERS

Are the Twinkies fucking serious? That was the worst 45 seconds of baseball I've ever seen. We stole that one. I'll take it.

NBA DRAFT

Today is my favorite NBA time of the year. It is all down hill from here. The draft is fantastic, and I don't know why.

REAL WORLD CANCUN

Not overly impressed with the premier last night. Could've been worse I guess. I just hope they drink in the ballpark of how much I would if I was there. Too many east coast people, so I'm guessing they will puss out. The dude making out with the "Sharon Osbourne look alike" was pretty classic/disgusting. Their hotel isn't as nice as the Imperial Las Perlas though.

Raped By Twins

I'll admit it. The Twinks fucking own us. Our team is on the borderline of a fullout meltdown. We need our pitching to get hot again, or we are screwed. Sure, we can score 10 runs a game for a week or so. But we can also leave 20 guys on base while we try to hit homers and fail. There are full on cracks showing in the dam. I'm not having a whole lot of confidence right now. Bill Hall should be playing against leftys? Really? Because I'm pretty sure I watched him swing through about 12 fastballs right down the middle last night. He is fucking terrible. There is no excuse for him to start over Gamel, McGehee (who is actually really good) or Counsell. Lets cross our fingers and hope someone named Mike Burns can get out of the 4th tonight. In closing, I would just like to say that .228 hitters make fantastic lead off men, and if Schroeder/Anderson are longing for the return of Weeks the Brewers are fucked.

Fake Live Blog II - Brewers v. Twins

Pregame:

• Seriously, Jerry Augustine is a disaster. The bags under his eyes have an easier time trying to get a point across. Harry Sydney thinks Augie sucks.
• J.J. Hardy is out. We've got a dude named Jody starting tonight. No relation to Full House's Jodi Sweeten.
• I'll be periodically checking in on Lakers/Nuggets Game 3 too.
• Who wants to bet that FSN just goes ahead and does a split screen, with the baseball game on one side, and a loop of different angles of LeBron's shot on the other. I wouldn't even be that upset.
• Does anyone actually watch Best Damn Sports Show? I haven't seen it since 2001, when I was drunk and accidentally watched it. Do they have bikini chicks on it every night? I might check it out.
• Went golfing with our friend Mark this afternoon. I dominated the match 58 to 66. We are not good golfers. The golf cart chick was 27, but looked like 19, and was an 8.8. His house is really nice. Lots of room for us assholes to pass out.
• Just flipped to SportsCenter. Guess what they are showing? Why do I care about what NBA players were "Tweeting" after they saw the shot? Just saw it 14 more times.
• Telly Hughes is below average at best.
• Who the fuck is Anthony Swarzak? Shit, it is his MLB debut? We are fucked. 3 hit shutout.
• Cory Koskie has TWO left handed kids. Is there any doubt they will be in the majors?
• Why does Ken Macha always look like he is screaming at someone when he is talking?
• We have a Casey, a Prince, a Mat, and a Jody in our starting lineup.
• Anthony Swarzak looks like Chipper Jones. And he's got a faggy necklace on.

1st inning

• Craig Counsell is the whitest person on earth.
• Remember when like half the stadiums in the league had AstroTurf? Now the Twinkies are like the only one. (I think maybe Toronto does too.)
• The Twins must have pulled Swarzak off the streets. Even the TWINS don't know anything about him.
• First major league walk for Swarzak. McGehee walks on a pitch right down the middle. Good eye.
• Braun is up. I might need a second.
• Loud LET'S GO BREWERS chant. This sounds similar to a Brewer/Cub game.
• Miscommunication for the Twins. Easy fly ball drops for a single. 2 on 1 out.
• Prince's fat face next to the Hormel sign is just funny to me. It might not actually be a sign. It might be a thought bubble. Prince K's. First major league K for Swarzak.
• Cameron grounds out to end the Brewers half.
• It is going to be really hard to talk shit about the commercials, because they only show like 3 of them on Brewer games.
• One, the Miller Lite commercial with the fake mob guys. Fucking stupid.
• Twins have their throwbacks on tonight I think. Throwbacks are awesome.
• Looper always has a creepy grin on his face when he is one the mound.
• Lopper apparently loves to hit. Gives up a rocket to Mauer for a base hit. Maybe he should concentrate on pitching. I love to fuck too, but unfortunately, I don't get to dabble in that at my fucking job.
• Morneau with a single. This might be a short blog (relatively speaking). I have a cut off in my mind about when to stop watching games. If we hit that, I'm out.
• How amazing was that cycle last night? Has one ever been done in 6 innings before? Why don't good players ever get cycles? It is always some asshole like Cuddyer.
• Big double play gets us out of the inning.

2nd inning

• Commercial two we are going to see a million times: Blaine's Farm and Fleet. Matt Kenseth is a Farm and Fleet kind of guy. Whatever.
• I watched FSN Final Score exactly one time. It was brutal.
• Commercial three we will see: Special Olympics. Nope, that was an Explore Minnesota commercial. Whoops.
• I love how the Brewers only started Hall tonight because everyone else was hurt.
• I hate it when Major Leaguers take fastballs right down the middle for called strikes.
• Minnesota people are ugly. There, I said it.
• Wow. Jody Gerut is black? I was expecting a red head for some reason. Of all men named Jody, what percentage is black? .3? Gerut sees exactly one pitch and grounds out. End of Brewers half.
• Commercial: Triple Hops brewed Miller Lite. I heard a
• Commercial: Brush and floss or else.
• Menard's commercial. Baseball fans LOVE hardware stores, Miller Lite and brushing their teeth.
• Brush and floss or else (2)
• Is Minnesota in Canada? I'm pretty sure there is a Canadian flag hanging from the roof, and the only explanation is that it is in Canada. Good. Go to fucking Canada. What has Minnesota done for us anyway? All they do is lie about thier lakes. I'm going to start advertising that I have a 2" dick, like that is super huge or something.
• The Twinks have more players on their team that I've never heard of than any team in the majors.
• Brewers have the best record in baseball since April 22nd. It is too bad that those first twelve games fucking counted.
• Another DP to end the 2nd.

3rd Inning 0-0

• Home Depot commercial. What? Lowe's didn't have any advertising money?
• Midwest Airlines: Mmmmmm. Warm chocolate chip cookies.
• Wear your seatbelt. Or you will die.
• The fact that the Twinks are opening an open air stadium is ridiculous. I'm sure it will be lovely, but when your fans have to wear winter coats, alot of them might not come to game 2 of an 81 game home schedule. Anything is better than the Humpdome.
• Jason Kendall can't hit. At all.
• McGehee hits a shot to Span in the outfield. It bounces twice and knocks him over. Turf is stupid. How has someone not died on a bad hop?
• Brewer's inning is done.
• Matt Kenseth loves to buy licorice and mufflers at Farm and Fleet (2)
• Commercial about people with life threatening herpes. Nope, sorry, it is another Explore Minnesota commercial (2).
• Piggly Wiggly Tailgate Tips. I got fatter just watching the commercial. Take cheese spread. Put a jalapeno in the middle. Roll it in batter. Deep fry it. Jesus christ that sounds good.
• GoGo Gomez is hitting .218 with 0 HR and 2 RBIs in late May. How is that Santana trade working out? Looper promptly walks him on 4 pitches.
• I still haven't seen an NHL playoff game this year because I don't have Versus. How are all the games on that channel?
• 7 straight balls for Looper. Oh, and this guy is batting .212. And I've never heard of him.
• Fuck. Mauer hits one where the SS should be. But there wasn't one for some reason (shift?). Then Braun throws one to 3B except Counsell and Hall look at eachother while it bounces in between them and into the dugout. 2 runs score. Mauer gets third. 2-0 Twinks.
• Sac fly for Morneau. 3-0 Twinks. Looper looks like shit tonight too.

4th Inning 3-0 Twinks.

• If I buy some shitty entree from Applebees, I get a free Brewer ticket to a Wednesday afternoon game that I won't be able to go to.
• Menard's (2)
• Bill Schroeder was neither watching TV or reading the paper today. That can only mean he was looking at midget porn all day.
• Mat Gamel's hair is distracting.
• The radar gun just showed 104mph from Swarzak. I'm assuming that was wrong. Brewers go down with a whimper.
• While showing Blyleven and Schroeder playing grab ass, Crede hits a homer. 4-0 Twinks. This is getting gay.
• Looper's first K in 10 innings.
• I hate that goddamn AFLAC duck. Twins done.

5th Inning 4-0 Twinks.

• Kenseth is back to buy licorice and mufflers for a third time.
• The Air Tran commercial makes its first appearance. Seems a little late. WiFi on a plane is a much better idea than motherfuckin' snakes.
• Wear your seatbelt or die (2)
• Gerut's line tonight: 3 pitches, 2 outs. I wish we had Jodi Sweeten.
• Fucking Christ. Another popout. Brewers are done.
• Triple Hops brewing. What the fuck is that? Why would that make my beer taste better? 2nd time
• Ray wants me to join Boys and Girls club because he didn't get shot like his friend. Maybe I'll just not move to Milwaukee. That seems like less of a commitment.
• Holy shit, a dude that looks just like Santa Claus in full red Twinks gear in the stands. Fucking Canadians.
• You would never know that Swarzak has never pitched in the majors before, just like you would never know the Brewers were not a high school team. Two way street it seems.
• Great. Stars and stripes hats tomorrow. I'm buying one.
• If getting cancer guarantees me a no-hitter, is it worth it?
• ANOTHER homer. 5-0 Twinks.
• Looper hits the next guy with a pitch, and the benches get warned for no reason. Schroeder is fucking HOT in the booth. He might come down and beat the shit out of the ump.
• Did I mention Looper has been shitty? I would've pulled him if this was a video game. Schroeder is STILL bitching. Cuddyer smokes one for a single. Bullpen? Bueller?
• Mauer in the dugout just does a full palm grab of his crotch. That is what he thinks of Looper's pitching. Me too. Twins done.

6th Inning 5-0 Twins.

• This game sucks.
• Braun almost impales Swarzak with his broken bat. But in his kindness, directs the shrapnel over his head. Single for Braunie.
• Schroeder analysis: "You can't hit a five run homer with one man on." Thanks for that one. But clearly five run homers happen all the time with more than one man on.
• Prince has fouled off 48 straight pitches. He finally singles.
• Mike Cameron is a struck match. Every one of his swings looks like a 450 foot homer.
• Brewers done.
• The mafia Miller Lite dudes again. 2nd time.
• Matt Kenseth still likes Farm and Fleet. 4th time.
• That really, really fucking stupid Dejope casino commercial with the douchebags with the shitty truck. So dumb.
• Anderson analysis: "Looper needs to get these guys out, to get the Brewers back to the dugout." He must be listening, because he can't get anyone else out.
• Triple for Gomez on a ball that would have been an easy play at third on real grass.
• No runs scored.

7th inning 5-0 Twinks.

• Laura Schera is really hot for an outdoorsy chick.
• 25-19 Nugs with 1:31 left in 1st. Kobe looks like someone shit in his cereal.
• Hall makes contact against a righty. Better than normal.
• Fucking Text to the Booth people are retarded. Today's Question: What kind of cleats do you wear on articficial turf? Are people really taking the time to text this shit? I suppose it is more productive than "Fuck!" or "U R Gay".
• Jody finally took a few pitches. And a hit!
• Now remember. You can't hit a five run homer with one guy on base. Oh, its Kendall. He can't hit a one run homer with a guy on base.
• Double Play.
• Joining the marines is really cool I guess.
• Utah is not cool. No matter how cool that commercial made it.
• A lady is pulling bread out of her box.
• R.J. Swindle is in! And his 48 mph curve. One pitch. One out.
• I love me some R.J. Swindle.
• SEVEN fucking shutout innings for Swarzak.
• Swindle puts two on, gives way to Jorge Julio. That pretty much means that Macha has given up.
• Nugs by 8 in the 2nd quarter.
• Julio walks a guy. Then a ball goes to Hall and instead of throwing home, he goes off balance to try to get the guy at first and a run scores. 6-0 Twinks
• Julio finally gets out of it.

8th Inning 6-0 Twinks

• If the Brewers fail to score. I'm dunzo. Oh and brush and floss or else.
• You've gotta be kidding me. Rocket to third, off his glove, caught barehanded by the shortstop to get Braun at first.
• Fielder knocks in Braun. 6-1 Twinks. Show all Brewer fans in the stands talking shit.
• And nothing more. And I'm cashed.

Best Post in the World (Tribute)

Believe it or not, I had the best post in the world written, and fucking Blogger malfunctioned and I lost all of it. And I can't remember what that post said, so this is the Best Post in the World Tribute. The funny thing about it is that the Best Post in the World doesn't actually read anything like this post.

So my back is getting sore again from carrying this blog. We have FIVE fucking writers and we can't get ONE post out of anyone but me? Really? SportsBottle: put down that night stick covered in the blood of innocent minorities and write something, Twinkie: put down that dude's nutsack and write something, Bear: put down that cigarette and write something, LoafCobra: come back from the dead and write something.

BREW CREW HANGOVER:

I think my brother was right in saying that Hoffman was merely bored with perfection, and wanted to pitch under some pressure to make sure he was alive and not a cyborg sent here to destroy the earth.

Big ups to Kendall on that throw to third on the bunt. That was skilled.

I will now bitch about Billy Hall. I'm growing tired of his: "I was really good once, you should let me bat against right handers even though I hit .195 against them for the past two seasons." Ned Yost, errrrr.... Ken Macha is lucky that this "trust" in Hall only potentially cost us one game and not two. Gamel has to play against right handers, and should be given the opportunity against left handers. He allegedly had about the same average in the minors against both. Gamel is the future, Hall is the flash in the pan robber of salary.

Should be a fun weekend series in that cesspool, piece of shit, rotting, festering corspse, cesspool of pus filled, pandemic fostering, cooze known as the Metrodome. The Twinks won 20-1 yesterday, but then I heard that they were like 4 games under .500. Twinks are going to have a harder time withe Crew because we can do that thing called "Pitching". They don't really do much of that in the AL, and I've heard it is an important part of winning games. Also, the Crew can hit the shit out of the ball, and the Twinks are going to be throwing out two left handers, which is a bad idea because "Braun DESTROYS left handed pitching." If you don't get that reference then you haven't watched many Brewer telecasts this year. (P.S. "I'm not sure where that one missed." and "You know J.J. is seeing the ball really well when he drives one to the opposite field. It's just a shame it was right to a guy, or that would've gone for extra bases."). My prediction is Braun hits a rocket through the roof, which then collapses and kills a bunch of useless Loonies. Oh, that thanks go out to Richard/Bear/Twinkie for inviting me out for a game, you fucking pricks.

I will be stealing a literary device on one of these games tonight or Saturday.

OTHER

The NBA conference finals have been bananas. All three games have been epic, and I've been lucky enough to catch the end of all of them. Probably will do the same this weekend.

Finally watched the "Lost" season finale. I'm now dumber. I have no fucking clue what is happening. How are they possibly going to wrap this up????

Getting a Running Start....

I am finally recovered enough from my weekend that I can at least form coherent thoughts. I would be thrilled to recap the weekend for you, however a) I don't remember much, b) I have been asked by certain other parties not to reveal certain weekend themes and c) Some of the shit that was discussed was inappropriate enough that I am uncomfortable putting it down on "paper".

For instance, I think it is safe to say that the theme/quote of the weekend was "Getting a Running Start". However, I am not in a position to explain where that came from because it could cause some embarrassment.

Overall, we had a great time, got SUPER fucked up, ate a whole bunch of shit that is bad for us, and the weekend was pretty much one great big gay joke.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Holy shit, the Brewers might never lose again. And Rickie Weeks got severely injured a year too late.

If I was the Brewers, here is what I would do: This injury gives them a golden opportunity/excuse to call up Escobar and to give him a look at either short or 2B to see if he really is too good to not use. The same is true with Gamel, who is already up, and whose haircut hit a homer last night. It is a golden opportunity, because there is some excess playing time available, and it can be done with very little hurt feelings. Gamel can get into a platoonish thing with Hall/Counsell/Hardy? at 3B, Escobar with Hardy/Counsell/Hall at SS and Hardy/Counsell/Hall at 2B. You could also think about spot starting Gamel at 1B or outfield if his bat is that good. Right now, you have the opportunity to play both Gamel and Escobar a few times a week under those scenarios, and get them some experience. Then, if they are too good to sit, you can try to trade Hall (fucking impossible), Hardy (unlikely) or Fielder (even more unlikely) for some pitching down the stretch. Or, if they are too young or to bad, you can trade one of the prospects, or send them down for more seasoning. I have a hard time believing weeks was going to hit 50 HRs and hit .275, so I don't feel like we've lost that much in the long run.

HE WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED

Are we fucking serious right now? Really? Here is the timeline yesterday:

8 a.m.: He is definitely not coming back and this is all total bullshit (via Bus Cook, through Hattiesberg newspaper)

12 p.m.: He is having surgery Tuesday with Dr. James Andrews and is definitely playing this year for the Vikings barring some unforeseen complication. (via St. Paul newspaper)

5 p.m.: He is not having any kind of surgery ever, he is going to try to rehab, and if all works out he is definitely playing for the Vikings this year, and he has never heard of Dr. James Andrews. (via Eddie Werder).

8 p.m.: He eats a small child.

In 12 hours, that is THREE COMPLETELY OPPOSITE STORIES!!!!! How are people not getting fired over this???? We can't believe ANYTHING, ANY news organization says EVER. This is unfuckingbelievable.

-I'm probably going to fake live blog a Brewer/Twin game either Friday or Saturday because I'm fucking bored and lonely.

PS. The Twins suck my nutsack.

Border War, 10K, Saturday

This coming Saturday is going to be one of the most insane and potentially awesome Saturdays in a very long time. At 8 a.m., the wife and I are slated to run in a 10K in Green Bay. At 6 p.m. we are scheduled to be nestled in our seats at the lovely Miller Park, smashed out of our gords to watch the Crew forcibly rape the Minnehaha Twinkies with 14 of our acquaintances.

The race is not going to be fun at all. We ran 6 miles a few weeks ago, and I felt my eyes start to bleed about mile 5. The 10k is like 6.2 or 6.3 or some shit (stupid fucking metric system). If I am somehow to survive that, I have to try not to strangle my wife while she takes far too long to get ready to sit in a car for 2 hours and then get really drunk, and I get the shakes from lack of alcohol.

The hope is to get to Milwaukee around 1 to start drinking, and get to Miller Park around 3 I would guess. Somehow, I am going to end up having to drive and ruining my entire day, because that is how things seem to work where everyone wants to get drunk and someone has to drive.

I am all geared up for the game. I bent over and purchased my first ever Brewer jersey. Which is odd because I have had about a dozen Packer jerseys. Other than a Baltimore Orioles jersey I got on clearance, I've never had a baseball jersey at all. Either way, the honor is bestowed on the Hebrew Hammer. Comforted by his long term deal and his long length (albeit uncircumcised) dick, he was the obvious choice. I went with the white "retro-Friday" or "retro-Sunday" or whatever the fuck it is this year, because it was cool and it was cheaper than either the true 1982 home or away jerseys. (The one I really wanted). The only difference between mine and the '82 home jersey is that the number isn't outlined in yellow and there is no patch on the arm(which is pretty fucking cool, but not $25 cool). Prediction is that I spill some type of dark beer on it by about 2:30 p.m. and walk around with a gigantic stain on it the rest of the day.

As far as the game goes, a preview will be in the offing at some point this week because I fucking hate the Twins. Game on Saturday was so sold out that we had to go to StubHub.com to get tickets. There are going to be a bunch of faggots and their bitches at the game in Kirby Puckett jerseys I'm sure. Someone will be shot on Water St. later that night. This is all assuming that the sewer didn't back up all over Miller Park or that it wasn't washed away by a fucking dam (god damn?) bursting.

-I never got to mention how large Solomon Torres's sack is after that ridiculous save on Sunday.

-Billy Hall bends over and moves to second because God (and his damn?) has blessed us with a Rickie Weeks knee injury. I hope it is as not serious as Eric Gagne's shoulder that has had him day-to-day for a month.

Great Symbolism

Billy Hall's at-bat in the bottom of the 9th pretty fairly symbolizes the Brewer's entire season so far. Bases loaded, two outs, Marlins bring in their closer. Billy Hall softly lines the first fucking pitch to RF. Ball game. Way to work the count Billy. Its crazy to think that perhaps someone that just came out of the bullpen may not have it that night, and may have difficulties throwing strikes...

Congrats to the Twinkies for breaking up that no-no last night. At least you had that moral victory. More than I can say for the Crew.