Stolen Literary Device

I am ganking the "running diary" used most often by Bill Simmons. I don't think he has a patent. Whatever.

Saturday

6:15 a.m.: Wake my ass up to cash in on the race I signed up to run.

7:40 a.m.: Arrive to the race to the throngs of people (15,000 plus).

8a.m.: Trip over about 4,000 of those people at the start as I start off way too fast. Most of those little fuckers were about 7 years old who would proceed to sprint past me and then come to a dead stop in front of me for the next hour.

9:08 a.m.: We finish. Sweat from front to back of my shirt.

9:45 a.m.: Begin cracking the whip on the wife to hurry up so I can go drink.

11:06 a.m.: Whomever had 11:06 a.m. in the "When would Juice would spill something on his new white Ryan Braun jersey" pool. Congrats.

11:45 a.m.: We leave for Milwaukee.

2:15 p.m.: Arrive in Milwaukee.

3:00 p.m.: Arrive at Miller Park. I miraculously get out of driving due to my buddy's girlfriend's dad and his 7 seat Lincoln Navigator that gets our group to the game. Kudos to that shit.

3:00 p.m. and 3 seconds: Crack the first Miller Lite.

4:30 p.m.: I have the best brat I've ever had in my life.

5:30 p.m.: A random fucking thunderstorm strikes 40,000 in the parking lot. Despite seeing the clouds loom for an hour, and watching the dome close, nobody budged until it was raining sideways. Even the Twins fans.

6:00 p.m.: Arrive in seat with a 7 dollar beer.

Around here is where it gets hazy. I know I had about 3 or 4 more large beers. I know I won one of those on a bet of the 5th inning score with some asshole Twins fan. Oh, and the split was about 50/50, which is not fun when your team loses.

ANYWAYS (another stolen literary device, thanks Chuck Klosterman), I semi-blacked out somewhere between the 8th and 12th innings. I was able to keep my motor function: walking, talking, etc. I was just super wobbly and profane (apparently, and not all that surprisingly). Either way, the wife put the kabosh to any further drinking, and probably saved my life and a Monday morning hangover. Managed to fight off a good vomit the next morning and after a two hour nap I was no worse for the wear.

One Blacked out Man's thoughts on the game: I may have imagined this but Yost had no problem throwing Torres out there for 2 1/3 in a non-save situation. Then sent out Tavaras for a second inning in lieu of Mota, DiFelice and Dillard. There was no real reason for this, but Neddy claims he didn't want to "put a rookie out there with the game on the line" (even though like two days ago he put Dillard out there in a one run game) and "Mota pitched two innings on Wednesday" but "he would've pitched him in the 13th." Then said "I don't worry about the next day, I was playing to win."

He pretty much contradicted himself in everything he said a) in the same day AND b) like two days earlier when he refused to use Mota in the 8TH because it wasn't a "save situation".

Fucking prick held onto his job because of the win yesterday.

In other news:

Tiger's putt yesterday was one of the first times I can remember jumping off the couch and yelling while watching golf. I watched about half of the playoff round online at work. USOpen.com was about the coolest website ever. Live TV coverage online for free, and it was pretty crystal clear. It was a lot better than March Madness On Demand, which used to be the best thing ever.

Das Fuhrer

Ned Yost said that he would "think about" keeping Torres (who has been great) as the closer over Gagne (who has been shitty) when he comes back.

He is also rethinking his stance on the Holocaust being a myth and allowing women to vote.


-The Brewers are on fucking fire right now.....and are still 6.5 back.

No Hockey for Old Men

-I tried really, really hard to make it until the end of the hockey game last night. It was a fantastic game (as far as I could tell). Its just that on a Monday night, when I was up at 6 to go to work in the morning, midnight gets to be pretty late. It fucking sucks fighting with all your might to try to stay up for something, and losing miserably. I was trying to fill my 4 hockey games per year quota, and I made it to the second OT, so counts I guess. What struck me (other than that dude that got hit in the face with the slapshots' face) was how much better Detroit was than Pittsburgh. They were so much faster, and they got off about three times as many shots, and lost. There is nothing better than OT playoff hockey. I just wish it was on earlier.

-I lost a bet yesterday. I had "when velociraptors hatch from my ass" as the date that Prince Fielder would steal third base. I also had "when running my nuts over with a lawn mower sounds like a good idea" as the date that he would steal third and get an infield single in the same game. So congrats.

-In Ned Yost news, he is still a fucking asshole. When questioned on whether he was concerned about Rickie "Windmill" Weeks and Mike "The human auger" Cameron striking out fucking 80 times between them, and batting 1st and 2nd, he responded (paraphrasing): "Russell Branyan fucking struck out 11 out of 22 at bats, so he is striking out fucking 50% of the time, but he's batting fucking .300 so nobody complains about him." Really Ned? Really? A guy could strike out 70% of the time as far as I'm concerned, but if he got a hit the other 30% of the time I would be perfectly fine. He has no argument at all and is fucking stupid. Weeks and Cameron are NOT good hitters.

-HUGE save last night. Despite their best efforts to fuck it up, Torres makes "The Committee" 7-1 v. 11-7 for Gagne. And Gagne TOTALLY would have lost that one last night.

-They call our resident ginger Seth McClung "Chucky". That is funny. He has his first two career hits off of Randy fucking Johnson.

-My wife believes that someone should bring back the term "Janky". I personally believe it is underused.

Kimbo Slice Popped My Cherry

-I had never actually sat and watched a Mixed Martial Arts card until last night. I guess I am probably a late adopter when it comes to this sort of thing, as I know people who pay $49.95 to watch pay per views. Last night, CBS debuted MMA on network television. I figured if CBS picked it up, it must be good, so I tuned in. Much to my delight, CBS tabbed none other than Gus Johnson to do the play by play. Gus Johnson could announce me taking a shit and make it sound like the most exciting thing ever.

It was sort of a strange show. It started showing a bunch of skanks dancing around to some song I've never heard of. Then, when the matches actually started, they shot off fireworks ala WWE, and had Busta Rhymes come out rapping to introduce the first guy. The first two matches ended in first minute KO's. The second guy that got knocked out was some dude that called himself "The New York Badass" and brought out two different skanks with him and he danced around. This left me a bit confused, as it definitely reminded me more of some lame WWE intro than anything else. Although, I suppose there are plenty of flamboyant boxers that do the same thing.

After the first two, the third match featured "Crush" from American Gladiators (the new one) against some freaky looking chick with dreads from Minnesota (I think it is fair to point out that two of the fighters were from Minnesota). Crush beat the shit out of the dreadlocked chick.

Next, there was a really good match for some title or another that got called because a dude got poked in the eye and couldn't see out of it. So I guess it was a no decision.

Finally, in the main event Kimbo Slice's beard fought some English dude with an ear that was all fucked up. Eventually the dudes ear "burst" and was gushing blood everywhere. And even though the English dude nearly beat Kimbo, the breaking of the dude's ear, and three or four ridiculous punches in a row forced the ref to stop the fight.

-In other news, I hoped Big Ben was going to punch Neddy in the face last night when he came out to pull him. I guess Neddy has turned over a new leaf here as he had a bad habit of leaving guys in FAR too long. Although, when Gagne comes back, he should learn to pull him before he loses the game. The Committee is 6-1 (Gagne 11-7)

-That Jay Bruce guy for the Reds is incredible. He is 11 for 19 with a walk-off HR so far. He is taking on legendary proportions. He is on pace for 14,000 Hits and 1253 HRs.

"The Committee" v. Eric Gagne Update

Solomon Torres has been solid after being named head of "The Committee". The Committee is now 4-1 and Gagne is 11-7.

(Honestly, Billy Hall is the luckiest guy alive based on last night. And Yost tried SO hard to lose that game too.)

Well, There Goes That Theory

Tough one last night. Parra pitches probably the best game of his career. Gives up two of his three runs on a booted easy out at first, a near miss of a diving catch, and an infield single. Then Mota does his best Gagne impression and the Crew loses. That makes "The Committee" 2-1 and Gagne 11-7. I don't know what was up with Mota but he didn't seem mentally tough enough last night for some reason. Here is where I put some blame on Yost: Why no quick hook? When it appeared he didn't have it after the walk and the single, why not bring in McClung or Stetter? Why let Mota give up 3 runs? I know there wasn't really many options left, but when you could win a game, and it is clear that the first guy from your committee isn't working, why leave him there?

Anyways, here is a comparison of Mota and Gagne as I see it:

Mota

Gagne


I don't think that got me anywhere.

The Weeks Watch (Mike Cameron Edition!!!): My man Rickie had a much needed night off, not getting on base is tiring! Season: .190 BA, .651 OPS, 5HR, 13RBI, 7SB. So Mike Cameron (he really is a good center fielder!) stepped into the leadoff role. This makes complete sense to me. We should obviously put whoever has the worst batting average on the team in the leadoff spot. Last night: 0-4, 3K, GIDP, Season Totals: .190BA, .645 OPS. Cameron is actually worse than Weeks. Although, to be fair, Cameron has only been playing about three weeks, so he should be given a little leeway....but NOT be batting leadoff.

Billy "Rob Deer" Hall: 0-4, 3K, 0HR Season: .195 BA, .684 OPS, 9HR (tied for team lead), 43K (leads team by 10)

I refuse to get off of these guys until they consistently bat over .200. I don't think that is a lot to ask of them.

Looking forward to three hours watching red and blue streaks go across my computer screen as I take in the GameCenter from MLB.com while sitting at work doing nothing today. I thought about "live blogging" it but live blogging a game where you can't see or hear what is happening wouldn't be real interesting. Big Ben goes today. Should give the Crew a legit shot.

I may or may not put anything up until Monday morning depending on whether I have time tomorrow or am not dying on Sunday due to Shit in my eye.

Rickie Weeks Hates Eric Gagne

Look. I don't know what Neddy was thinking last night. But I survived the heart attack and vomiting episode I had in the bottom of the 8th/top of 9th to have an opinion. I guess you can be benched and then just say "I'm ready to have my job back.", and it just magically falls into your lap. I plan to lose my job by punching my boss in the face, and then going back the next day and saying I'm ready to go, and get it back. I guess there are no consequences to anyone. No accountability. Especially if you make $10 million a year. So Gagne comes in, fills the bases with runners yet again, but gets the save to go to 11-7 in these situations, while "The Committee" remains 2-0.

The funny thing I took from the game is how my favorite player Weeks nearly cost Gagne another game by screwing up a routine double play. He has done this at least one other time too. Weeks has been very good in the field until the 9th all season. I think it is safe to say that Weeks hates Canadians.

My platonic boyfriend Ryan Braun continues to stay mental at the plate.

Weeks Watch: 1-4, 11 total pitches, 1 R, 1K, 1SB, E (Season Total: .190, .651 OPS, 7 SB)

Billy "Rob Deer" Hall: hit his 9th HR (1-4 and only struck out once!) (I stole that reference from my brother, and I think it is a fairly clever one)

Actual Text I received last night from a police officer friend of mine: "I am going to use excessive force on someone tonight if Gagne blows this" Truly one of Wisconsin's finest.

2 days 'til Shit In My Eye

Someone woke Neddy up from his Five Year Slumber

Apparently, somebody nudged Neddy and let him know that he has a baseball team to manage. At this point, the only obvious thing he is doing that I can't stand is batting Weeks in the leadoff spot. The decision to FINALLY pull Gagne and go with closer by committee is welcomed. I am also incredibly impressed with his decision to yank Torres in the middle of the inning yesterday. It shows that he actually does want to win games, although part of me is curious why he refused to ever do this with his "closer". Whatever, it worked yesterday. I still think Mota is the best candidate, and that Stetter might be a better lefty option than Shouse, but I am actually going to give Yost some slack here. Especially if he is quick with the hook. What I don't want to see is him going lefty on lefty in the ninth all the time if the righty option is pitching well. That tends to get dangerous. My other worry is that we aren't going to have 5 options going into the ninth all the time (especially when anyone but Sheets is pitching). Still, and upgrade over Gagne. I am interested to see how he uses Gagne now. For the rest of the year, I am going to keep a tally on how the Gagne v. Closer By Committee thing works: So far the Crew is 10-7 in games where Gagne comes in to "close" or when the game is tied, etc. and 1-0 with the "committee".

PS. Ryan Braun is starting to remind me of the guy that played 3B for the Brewers last year (minus all the errors of course). Very, very good sign.