By Popular Demand

I've been requested to give a recap of the only thing more boring than people talking about their fantasy football teams, and/or previewing fantasy football games: someone else's fantasy football draft.

But first, this quick aside. Madden '11. Vikings at Packers. 2nd quarter. He goes down with a torn PCL. Nice.

FRIDAY NIGHT

-Mark, my brother and I meet out at a bar for dinner. We eat, have a few beers. Mark needs to go to the grocery store. We end up deciding once in for all that we are making Ron Ron Juice. I'd like to jump in on myself here and point out that the three of us are 29, 26 and 29 years old respectively. And are not teenage girls. Ok, my brother and I both had vodka on the ready, so we needed the juice and fruit. We bought it. Went back to play Mark's arcade machine, drink Kul Lite (no umlaut available on Blogger). About 2 am I died.

SATURDAY

I went home to shower. While cleaning myself, Richard asked my wife out on a date for bloody mary's. Fucking prick. He gracefully invited me. We go to Stadium View at 10:00 am. Richard's car nearly gets towed because it is a game day. They were charging to park NINE HOURS before a PRESEASON GAME. And people were paying. And tailgating. This happens nowhere else on earth, I can promise you. We have a couple of drinks and head over for some drafting. Start pounding Horny Goat beer. It is good. Finally everyone arrives. We draft. Duper/Spensely managed to draft Ben Tate, who went out for the year that very evening. Which is funny as shit. Some other questionable picks were had, and the popular quote to take away was "Any time you can get a running back that splits carries with two other running backs, you probably need to draft him."

SATURDAY NIGHT

And now things get sketchy. It is decided after the draft that it is time for Ron Ron Juice. It was delicious. Then the Packers started. Well, the offense did anyway. Defense, not so much. I'm teetering on black out by like 8 pm., so what is the next step? You guessed it. Let's go to the bars. All I can really tell you about the bars is at some point we end up at either the gayest straight bar on earth, or the straightest gay bar. It had stripper poles, and it also had nothing but guys in it. Anyway, prior to this draft, my wife felt it would be a good idea to set up one of my friends with one of her friends. And when I tell you it was a disaster of epic proportions, I wouldn't be even close to adequately describing the carnage. In no particular order, the following occurred: guy having to be coaxed into talking to girl, girl ignoring him, awkward conversation (to put it mildly), completely random non-sensical rambling/slurred speech by guy, girl wearing a sombrero, guy grabbing a FULL (and unwanted) handful of girls ass, my wife apologizing to her friend, guy getting booted from the bar for reasons unknown (although being a drunken asshole is probably one of them), guy trying to come back and getting nearly thrown down the 29 steps by the bounce, guy leaving his hat at the bar which had a house key in it for some reason, even though he clearly had pants with pockets on, guy wandering around downtown Green Bay by himself and nobody really caring that much, 6 of us eventually hopping in a cab and leaving guy downtown with Schmock.

We then got back to Mark's. Bear used the blow up mattress in the living room as a trampoline. I broke my kneecap on Bear's head. I passed out, and am still sick. Fun!

I Hate Watching Dave Bush Pitch...

..And I am lucky enough to get to "see" him tomorrow. I took the liberty of putting "see" in quotes, because I'm hoping to be seeing double by the time the first pitch is thrown. If my performance last year at this event (and I do believe this is turning into an annual event) is any indication, things are going to get sloppy. Sports Bottle is hosting the event, which coincides with his girlfriends' birthday. I just hope that her family and friends are as accepting of me as she is. I assume she wouldn't have allowed Sports Bottle to invite me if she wasn't. Especially since every time I've met her I've been pretty super drunk.

I don't want to make any promises, but I certainly am not going to rule out lobbing a few f-bombs at nearby six year olds. My modest goal is to make it to the end of the game without blacking out, and being functional enough to go to a bar afterwards. Last year? Not so much.

I will make one prediction. I don't think the birthday girl makes it back to the car after the game without vomiting. I'm throwing it out there. That is a pretty long window if we get there at 3 and don't leave until 9 or 10. There is a pretty decent chance that someone will bring a random bottle of shitty booze to do shots off of, or there will be a beer bong or shotgun or something that can make someone puke even if they aren't shitfaced. Remember Sports Bottle, it is her birthday. Be nice. And good luck with that.

So back to Bush. For some reason, he pitches in 75% of the games I go to. And his wind up makes me physically ill. That stupid pause drives me crazy. And he generally gets smashed all over the yard, except for the time I saw him pitch 8 innings of shutout ball. I predict drunken boos from Miller Park.

Who Ya Got?

Sober Jets fan v. Drunk Jets fan. I would be PISSED.

Tigah Wooo: Counterpoint

I agree with most of what Bear had to say. His scenario is just as plausible as any.

But from my standpoint, here is the problem: He is making this shit WAY worse for himself than need be by refusing to say anything to anyone, and lashing out about "irresponsibility". Tiger could just throw out some bullshit, still refuse to talk to the police, and everyone would forget about it and move on to whatever stupid shit the Jon and Kate Plus 8 guy was doing in Las Vegas last weekend or what Octomom was pushing out of her womb.

But what he is doing is just weird. It is buying him at least another solid week of Wendy Nix camped out near his house until he says something. Anything.

At the end of the day, 99% of people really don't care what happened. But he is a celebrity, and when famous people do anything out of the ordinary it is always news for a few days. So he needs to get over it and say something. Otherwise, everyone is going to assume you are a wife beating, adulterous, drug abuser, even if none of it is true. Because people are assholes.

SPEAKING OF OWIS

Glad to see Bear made it home alive. While not completely shitfaced, I believe he probably had plenty to drink on Friday. I for one, was pretty drunk, and was hungover in the morning for some reason. Perhaps it was the Parliament cigarettes being blown directly in my face. Either way, I'm not sure what it takes to get a 1200 pound bear drunk. So never mind.

Memories

From ESPN.com page 2: "Most overrated video game athletes"

11. Bob Nelson
Game: "Tecmo Super Bowl"
In real life: Defensive tackle. Played three NFL seasons. Recorded three sacks. Would have to quadruple that number to qualify as an afterthought. Would have to quintuple that number to be confused with former pro linebacker Bob Lee Nelson, who started in two Super Bowls for the Oakland and Los Angeles Raiders.
In the game: Bane of centers, eater of quarterbacks, destroyer of worlds. A blurry smudge of pixels that keeps offensive coordinators up at night. Better than Richard Dent. For reasons unknown, Nelson's speed rating is better suited to a defensive back; under user control, said speed can be used to slip past the opposing center and guard, untouched, on almost every snap. (As soon as the ball is hiked, press down and the dive button). Twenty-sack games and 200-sack seasons are not out of the realm of possibility.
Overrated archetype: Mr. Inexplicable. Digital athletes who are simply and mysteriously effective, sans rhyme or reason. Nelson is lucky to be in game. Yet in the game, he's a one-man natural disaster. Why ask why? Just try to duck.
Fellow travelers: Petr Klima in "NHLPA 93;" Mike Ridley in "NHL 95;" Brian Bosworth in "All-Pro Football 2K8," a Mike Singletary-like tackling machine. "I hate to pile on the Boz, but he's the very definition of overrated," Ekberg says. "He has no place in anything with the phrase 'All-Pro' in its title."
Expert opinion: Had Nelson been this ferocious in real life, Michael Lewis would be writing a book about the evolution of the center position. "The nose tackle dive play was called the 'Bob Nelson' in my area," says Glen Haag, co-author of the SportsGamerBlog.com. "You would set ground rules before the game began that no one could use the dive play with Nelson. I have no idea why the people at Tecmo loved that man like they did, but he was almost unstoppable."

Anyone remember the party we had at Hutch Apartments when we placed bets on CPU v. CPU Tecmo Super Bowl games? Anyone remember Packers v. Broncos? Anyone remember Bob Fucking Nelson having like 15 sacks??? I'm not sure there has ever been a more perfect passage from an article (the rest of the article is spot on too), that corresponded to something in real life. In closing, I wish I was 21 again.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #7

I didn't get a chance to watch the game yesterday. I spent 6.5 hours putting a screen door on my house. I guess I'm not sure what I would have rather been doing yesterday. Gallardo was awesome. Rickie Weeks covering first? He was Rickie Weeks. The Crew is guaranteed to be 3-9 after today's Jeff Suppan start. Not much else to say. Looking forward to getting drunk and getting into a fistfight with Ted Thompson next weekend at the draft.

PS. I've got "Outside the Lines" on in the background. Evander Holyfield should really not be boxing any more. I'm just sayin'.

More Fun After 12 Miller Lites

How to Heckle the Minnesota Twins.

And for the sake of fairness, the Milwaukee Brewers.

From The Heckler's Prospectus.