Playoff Extravaganza

Today is the start of one of the greatest sports weekends of the year. I would put NFL wild-card weekend in the top 5 sports weekends. Especially when the Packers are playing. Here is my list: 1) Thursday-Sunday 1st 2 rounds of NCAA Tournament; 2) NFL Divisional playoff weekend (same as wild-card basically, except for there are generally no bad games; 3) 3rd and 4th rounds of NCAA Tournament; 4) NFL Wild-Card Weekend; 5) NFL Conference Championship Sunday. All of these weekends cover multiple days, and allow maximum sloth to entertainment ratios. There are plenty of weekends where you can sit on your ass and watch sports, but there are very few that can entertain you in a quality fashion. 3:30 p.m. Saturday cannot get here fast enough.

HEARTBREAK CITY/WHY PACKER FANS ARE AWESOME

The other day on a local sports-talk radio channel there was a 20 plus minute conversation about the last time the Packers played the Eagles in the playoffs. Of course, it is among the worst playoff losses in recent history, and still stings to this day. It was the "4th and 26" game. The conversation wasn't awesome necessarily because it was being discussed. It makes sense to talk about it even though there are probably less than 5 players on each team that even played in that game, so it is irrelevant to this match up. No, it was awesome because the majority of the conversation was people calling in bitching about the possessions before and after the Eagles converted that ridiculous 4th and 26 play.

I had actually blocked the previous possession out of my mind, but now remember it vividly. In case you forgot, the Packers had the ball at the Eagle 41 yard line, facing a 4th and 1 up 17-14 with about 2:30 left. At that point in time, the Packers had arguably the best running game (or at least the best running back in the NFL). This was Ahman Green's franchise record 1,883 yd season. And Green was a battering ram. The chances of any NFL team converting on 4th and 1 is pretty good. The chances of Green getting it were better. Instead, Mike Sherman decided to punt. Of course, the punter (I believe Josh Bidwell) pounded it into the endzone, even after a 5 yard delay of game penalty. On the Eagle's first play, Duece Staley ran for 22 yards. Which completely eliminated whatever field position Sherman was trying to preserve. (What followed was: incomplete pass, sack, incomplete pass, 28 yard throw to FredEx on 4th and 26, leading to the eventual game tying field goal).

Everyone remembers the possession to start OT, when on the first play, He Who Shall Not Be Named winged a 1st and 10 pass into double coverage, right at an Eagles defender for a pick, which led to a quick FG and a loss. The sports-talk guys were awesome because as they discussed it they played five straight audio clips of Paul Allen He Who Shall Not Be Named interception calls. Hilarious.

Here we are, 7 years later and there were MULTIPLE people calling in to bitch about Mike Sherman punting on 4th and 1. Tell me how many fan bases could a) remember anything that happened, even in a horrible loss, in a game 7 years ago; and b) would still be upset about it. Packer fans are awesome.

3rd ANNUAL MOST HORRIBLE PACKER PLAYOFF LOSSES

I think I make this list every year, but in 2011, here is my list for my lifetime:

1) He Who Shall Not Be Named's last throw as a Packer/ Ice Bowl II (NFC Championship v. Giants) (The Pack were large favorites, really good, and at home. At it is still very fresh. Blew an awesome chance at a Super Bowl. My asshole uncle had bought plane tickets to Phoenix, site of the Super Bowl, before the game. Watched it at home alone with my wife. I remember screaming/flying/spinning into the air on the He Who Shall Not Be Named pick, and being inconsolable for about a week).

2) The John Elway Helicopter Game (Super Bowl loss to Broncos) (I feel like this would be higher if it hadn't happened when I was 17. Still can't watch this when they replay it ALL THE TIME. And everyone ignores that Terrell Davis ran for like 731 yards that game. Watched at a friends house).

3) The Catch 2 (Wild Card loss at 49ers)(Made worse by the obvious Jerry Rice fumble that wasn't called, and there being no instant replay. I was 18 working at Best Buy, and watched the entire game after rigging up a video game TV in the video game department where I worked. Nobody was in the store. I was an idiot in high school).

4) The Vick Game (first home playoff loss ever, Wild Card v. Falcons) (Bad because we were a lot better, and Vick DESTROYED us by himself. Watched at home.)

5) 4th and 26 (Divisional round at Eagles) (The worst part of this is that I was watching it at a bar in Omaha, and this asshole Eagles fan was in my face the entire game. It remains the closest I've ever come to punching a stranger in the face.)

6) The Randy Moss Moon Game (Wild Card at home against Vikings. Bad because it was the Vikings.)

REASON I DON'T QUIT MY JOB AND MOVE TO VEGAS TO GAMBLE FOR A LIVING

I went 123-126 and a bunch of ties against the spread in NFL games this year. That isn't going to put food on the table.

This week I've got: Seahawks (+10.5), Colts (-2.5), Ravens (-3), Eagles (-3).

I really do think the Packers have a legit shot to win. I just wouldn't put money on it.

I Would Do the Avatar Chick

Before I begin let me ask Juice, and all those who comment, to please advise ahead of time if you are spoiling what's happening on "Lost." I, too, am a big fan of the show but am about a season behind and watch the show thanks to NetFlix. I skipped your whole first paragraph.

Just got back from watching "Avatar." Pretty good movie, not great. But watching it in 3D is fucking mint. I won't spoil it for anyone who hasn't seen it but think "Dances With Wolves" meets "Titanic" about 200 years from now. There are no surprises in this movie and I can't quite figure out how the critics used at Yahoo! gave this movie an "A". But, I will say this, I don't normally give a shit if I first see a movie in the theaters or at home (see "Dark Knight") but the 3D experience makes it worth the small fortune it costs to see it. (Note - the g/f thought it was great but admittedly is the type of person who gets convinced to buy something due to their commercials).

The sports betting is still ongoing but I'm running out of steam. I have about $150 remaining but I pretty much bet and don't know if I win or not until the next day.

Speaking of betting, I will be going back to Vegas again this year, probably around the time we were there a few months ago. So, ladies, start saving and get permission from your wives again. I also thought of a brilliant plan for 24 hour sports betting. I am a huge tennis fan, thus I am a huge Australian Open fan. Melbourne is about 17 hours ahead of our time in the US which means matches are ongoing when everyone is sleeping. Someday I will be in Vegas for this event and will be betting on tennis matches. When those are over the horse races will be close to starting. Perfect.

He Died For Our Sins, and I Appreciate It

I'm liking where the comments from a previous post are heading. It may be time for me to unveil my thoughts on arks with 2 of every animal, a certain someone walking on water and turning water into wine or that said someone rising from the dead. I paraphrase one of my favorite Family Guy quotes of all time - "How Christian of you. Believe what I believe or I'll hurt you." But maybe I'll refrain myself. That may take this blog in a direction that our Blogmaster might not enjoy along with probably pissing a lot of people off.

In other news - 8 days til Vegas. Not sure how I should greet Twinkie when he gets there. I also can't remember what time Twinkie is getting there. If it's any time after noon I will not be sober so a very large man-hug may seem suitable when he arrives. My girlfriend wasn't too happy when I told her I'll be changing into shorts as soon as we arrive. And just so you guys know, I plan on spending the majority of the daylight hours couped up in a sports book somewhere. The sports book needs to be utilized b/c it's something that can only be used during regular hours. Everything else we do in Vegas can be done 24 hours a day. Besides, you can sit in a sports book for 12 hours, drink non stop, bet minimally and have a great time watching sports all day. I also plan on sports book hunting to determine which is the best. The goal is to find a place with free drinks as long as you're betting. We're staying at Bally's. I hear they're sports book is nice.

(Sports Bottle's) God bless you all!

Twinkie (someday in 1980 to October 2, 2009 or October 22, 2009)

Twinkie died unexpectedly (sort of) on October 2, 2009 when his wife returned home from work and choked him out when she found out he bought a cheap ass air ticket to Las Vegas. Ok, that probably won't happen, BUT more realistically...

Twinkie died suddenly (but not suprisingly) shortly before midnight on October 22, 2009 in Las Vegas, NV surrounded by hookers, cocaine and some fake friends from Wisconsin after consuming mass amounts of alcohol, eating a diet comprised entirely of food from Denny's and losing his (and his wife's!) entire retirement accounts at the simple, yet tricky game of blackjack.

Twinkie was born in a small ass, redneck, hick town in North Dakota (kind of redundant there) and moved to some state out West with big mountains and lots of Indians. He did NOT go to law school, as some people on this shitty blog have suggested.

Twinkie loved the Minnesota Twins and the Minnesota Vikings, especially his favorite Viking player of all time, #4, Brett Favre.

He was a badassmotherfocker who will be missed by all. (I am talking about Twinkie, not Brett Favre).

Ok, on a serious note. I haven't posted forever because I work from home now on my computer owned by the state that I work in (which is a state close to Georgia). So, I am rarely on my personal computer anymore. But I had to make a special occasion to let all my fake friends know that I am, in fact, going to Vegas in several weeks. And I will be there in person, even if it means that I'm a Cyborg created by one Juicelaw in the year 2045, sent back in time to make his friends think he actually had friends while living in the shitty midwestern town where he did NOT go to law school.

I believe the Twins should be wrapping up the World Series sometime near our trip.

I can't wait to meet you assholes.

Sincerely,

The soon to be deceasesed "Twinkie"

In The Air Tonight (Monday)

A series of dashes, followed by words:

-There are certain things that I had assumed were common knowledge. Certain things that were meant to signify things that I had assumed were universal. One of these things is the "tipping up of chairs" to reserve seating at a wedding or seminar or something. Yesterday I had a seminar for work, and I had attempted to save seats for some co-workers by doing this. Within 5 minutes, THREE different people ignored other open, non-tipped chairs, to untip these chairs and sat in them. I was incredulous. I wanted to make a scene, but I didn't really like said co-workers that much anyway, so I didn't say anything.

-Sports Bottle, me and a bunch of random dudes are 21 days almost to the minute from landing in Vegas. Also, Richard and Twinkie may come, although Twinkie continues to come up with bullshit excuses.

-I just realized yesterday that Wisconsin and Minnesota are playing for the Ax on Saturday. Long one of my favorite games to watch and torment Minnesota fans over. Unfortunately, I have a golf outing Saturday morning, and I assume the game will get ruined for me by one of my jackass neighbors so I likely won't watch any of it. I will have it set for DVR though. I think Bucky pulls out a one point game and chops down the entire new stadium with the ax. Fuck Minnesota.

-Free NFL REDZONE on Sunday on DishNetwork! Pretty pumped about that, especially since I can fully utilize it because the Packers don't play until Monday night.

-I greatly dislike it when the Pack plays Monday night. It just gives me one more day to stress the fuck out....

-Especially when they are playing the Viqueens, and especially when said Viqueens resurrected some dude from the dead to play QB. And especially when said dude is a cocksucker. And especially since I've been subjected to non-stop fellatio of said dude by ESPN because (SHOCK) the game is on ESPN and they might want to promote the fact that said dude used to play for the Packers. The Greg Lewis catch of the randomly thrown ball by He Who Shall Not Be Named won "Greatest of the Month" presented by DirecTV and Cockring Wearhouse (did we mention the game is on ESPN Monday Night Football?). Somehow this catch is almost never mentioned, and the His name is always mentioned as it being some kind of miraculous throw. The entire play is made at least once a year, every single year. It was a nice play. But it was nowhere near as miraculous as Brandon Stokely's catch of the bomb to win a game in Week 1, yet somehow the Greg Lewis catch won "Greatest of the Month" overwhelmingly. I just find it ironic that the game against the Packers is being broadcast on ESPN. AND it was the Bud Light Freeze Frame picture of the week. Oh, did I mention that the game will be on ESPN?

- It is entirely possible the the game will be one of the highest rated games ever. And the fact that the Packers are involved will be mentioned not at all.

-I'm not sure what to think about the game itself. Minnesota hasn't looked all that good against two terrible teams and one potentially not that good team. Green Bay hasn't been real impressive either. Nobody is surprised that Minnesota is 3-0 at this point. He has made one good play the entire season. And I'm still not convinced Traveaeiuouuus couldn't have thrown that pass. If we can slow down A-Peter, and put a little pressure on He (not that hard), then I think we will be in the game. We have to keep A-Rodg off of his back. I think the Queens probably win a close game, but it wouldn't shock me to see the Pack win either. It will be pretty evenly matched, and that shitdome will be loud as shit I'm sure.

-All I know for sure is that I will be blacked out with anxiety by kickoff. This game really is the perfect storm of stress. It is a divisional game, it is against the Viqueens which is always stressful and close, it is on Monday night, Oh, and the possibly the most beloved Packer player of my generation is playing quarterback for the other team. I have to come to grips with this reality, but this game, and these circumstances, are unlikely as shit. Three years ago, I would have bet a million dollars that this would never happen. But it has. And what is frustrating is that the media (mostly ESPN) has clearly picked sides, and I have to listen to how great it is that He did this to Green Bay. I sincerely hope that his spine is ripped out of his body and that B.J. Raji eats it. If we lose, I may not be able to function. Current Anxiety level: 7. I can't talk about this any more. (Ed. Note: I'll probably talk about this some more).

Vegas, baby?

OK, I'm back.

A rather uneventful trip in terms of Vegas excitement, but a successful trip nonetheless. I'd like to do a clever and witty rundown of events, but I'm simply too lazy.

Overall, I won around $300. I won about $600 the first night, which is always great getting ahead right away. Worm dominated the first night, winning around $1500. I went out to vegas with $1300 and returned with $1000.

Fuck you Juice and your prediction of me lying around in Vegas like a sack of shit. Granted, I have done that on more than one (or two) occasions, but not this time. I made it to about 5am the first night. As I opened my eyes at around 11am I did not have a headache and thought all was good. Well, all wasn't good. Three of the four of us (Worm got back around 9am and didn't join us) wondered over to OSheas for food. All I could eat was half of my Subway five dollar foot long. That is a bad sign. We stopped in at the Mirage sports book only to find out the Mirage now makes you place bets to get drinks. Fucking gay. That was the main reason I loved their sports book so much. As long as you were sitting there you got drinks. Now you need to either bet on a horse race to get a drink ticket or, get this, bet $250 on a single sporting event. 250 FUCKING DOLLARS. If you need a drink ticket that bad and you lose the bet, that better be the best drink you've ever had. Anyways, I was really put off by this development because the Mirage sports book is awesome to watch a game at and I was really looking forward to watching the conference championship games there on Sunday. We decided to find a new venue.

Getting to the point, we made it back to the room where I proceeded to upchuck. I could have preserved a lot of energy by simply throwing my sub into the toilet.

We made our way to three casinos I had never been to - Palms, Rio and Gold Coast. At the Rio we made a great discovery. They're sports book doesn't require you to make a bet to get a drink. This was a big relief. We spent the entire day there on Sunday. I was absolutely certain the Eagles were gonna win, so I lost that bet. On a side note we got word from Schmock he wanted to place a bet on the Cards. Somewhere in the correspondence with Schmock confusion took hold. Worm thought Schmock wanted $40 on the Eagles. So when we got a "u bet!!!" text from Schmock after a Cardinal touchdown we knew something was wrong.

The second game provided me with one of my all time favorite sports betting Vegas moments. My top moment ever was the double reverse flea flicker Steelers vs Bengals the game Palmer hurt his knee a couple playoffs ago. This year, the Palamalulululululu pick for a TD was AWESOME!!! I bet a hundy on the game and came away victorious. But since I bet a hundy on the first game the championship games were a push. But still a great time. Nothing is better than a full day at a sports book.

A lot of funny shit happened (Worm doesn't snore, he makes creepy sexual noises instead) but most were of the "you had to be there" type. I was out and about all three days, so Juice's prediction was wrong. I also won money, debunking another Juice prediction.

Fuck Juice. Fuck him right in the butt.

I have 50 bucks on the Super Bowl right now. I have the Steelers (-7) and the over (47). I also placed about $200 on some future bets (Stanley Cup, Daytona 500, NBA Championship, World Series).

Time for Juice to figure out a date. I will not take part in planning another trip but I'll try to make it.

Vegas?

So yesterday, the wife and I were discussing my blackjack dominance and somehow the prospect of me getting permission to go to Vegas with the Sports Bottle on the next of his 8 yearly trips came up. I am happy to report that I have been granted "soft" permission to go. I say "soft" meaning that the timing would have to be right, etc. But this is definitely a move in the right direction. As far as I am concerned I am going. So start planning your next trip now. I can't go before June 1st (no vacation until then) for sure, and not between Jan 1st and April 15th (work restrictions), so there are pretty much no good times to go, but keep me posted either way. I can smell the Spearmint Rhino calling my name.