GREG JENNINGS WINS WAR WITH PACKERS!

OMG This is such a sick burn bro! As a Packers fan, I can't do anything but give you credit where credit is due, and humbly surrender to the master. I really hope there is any way Jennings can allow the Packers to play out the season, and ride off into the sunset forever as a franchise and fanbase. Lesson learned. Lesson learned.

Early OJSFA Picks

So Bear and T.J. both kept 2 WRs and a RB. One of the WR names is Sidney Rice (not related to Jerry Rice). Good luck when He Who Shall Not Be Named obviously retires. Also, Bear left two time MVP Tom Brady, LeSean McCoy and Brandon Marshall unprotected (fuck his team was good).

The draft rolls on.

Beating a Dead Horse That Has Been Killed Four Times

Seriously. I feel like I'm some kind of time warp (hot tub perhaps?) where every day, I click through some web sites (not as many as I would like) and receive my sports news. And like every two days, right there on the front page of ESPN.com, is a story, usually linked with a video that is titled "Vikes Will Wait on (He Who Shall Not Be Named." or "Childress says: (He Who Shall Not Be Named) Can Take As Long As He Wants". I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the SAME HEADLINE two to three times a week. STOP ASKING HIM! Clearly, Childress and the Vikings are going to give Him AS MUCH TIME AS HE WANTS!!!! Fuck! And even if they weren't, you know what? He would take as much time as He wants anyway!! An He is going to decide in mid-August, like he does Every. Motherfucking. Year. So here is an idea to all you media types: ASK IN AUGUST! Like after the third preseason game, because it gets later every year. Stop wasting Internets space with your rubbish.

Signed,

Guy Who Just Wasted Space On The Internets With Rubbish

Piling On Day 5

I knew something didn't seem right about Chilly.

Some Kind of VooDoo

WOW. That was insane. I can promise you that I've never been that into a non-Packer game in my entire life. I was a mess. I was sweaty. I was screaming. I've never been that happy for a non-Packer team to win a game, ever. I've got issues. But those issues have been resolved. That demon has been exercised (at least until August when He decides he is going to show up at Packer training camp and wants to play for the Packers again).

When you really think about how that game played out, there could not have been a more perfect ending. He has possibly ended (doubtful) His career in Minnesota, the same way He ended it in Green Bay. With an ill-advised, back breaking interception, with a chance to go to the Super Bowl. That pass (along with: Philly, NYG and about 100 others) was a microcosm of His career, especially in the last 10 years, and especially in the playoffs. This is what He does. This is who He is.

I've always been a big believer in karma. Here is a karmic scoreboard.

GOOD: Saints fans/City of New Orleans/New Orleans residents/displaced Katrina victims. Congrats. Well deserved. If anyone deserved something good after 43 years of shit, and that hurricane, it was you.

GOOD: Drew Brees. I like him.

BAD: He Who Shall Not Be Named/Deanna/Chilly/The Minnesota Vikings Organization/every asshole He Who Shall Not Be Named-former Packer fan: I hate to say I told you so. But I fucking told you so. Good things come to good people. I'm not going to sit here and say that Chilly doesn't help old ladies cross the street or whatever. And I don't necessarily blame him for going out and getting Him. He is a lot better than Travarioueiause. Chilly got himself a nice contract extension and it nearly worked. BUT, Chilly absolutely sold the fuck out, forgot his values by letting Him run the show to placate His enormous ego, and probably lost respect for his team in the process. And Chilly ignored the fact that He has a long glorious history of doing exactly what He did yesterday. He saved the worst for last. He was a stud all year, and played His worst game when it mattered most. Did he play an overall horrendous game? It is hard to put all the blame on Him, and He did what he does in dragging His bad leg out onto the field after getting destroyed by the blitz. But He has the ability to destroy it all with one bad pass. And He did it again.

The Vikings as an organization fall into the same category as Chilly. You let Him run the show, and He burned you.

Deanna, I just don't like you at all.

He deserved every potentially dirty hit He got, and deserved to lose in the most soul crushing way possible. If you are an asshole to the people that loved you, the universe will punish you. You just cannot get away with doing what He did. Also, congrats on getting that "ankle injury" so you have an excuse to not go to training camp again.

To the former Packer fans who didn't root like hell for the Saints. You are not welcomed back. Your punishment is having to root for dry weather when He is sitting on His tractor. The worst kind of Karma is coming.

NEUTRAL: To true Viking fans.

I actually feel a bit sorry for you in that it has to be getting old to lose this way. At the same time, that is what you get for hitching your horse to Our old wagon. And kind of being pricks about it. How do you feel about that $90 investment in a He Who Shall Not Be Named Viking jersey now bitches?

The Saints are my adopted second team. And should be the rest of America's team too after finally killing the beast (maybe?)

Quick Championship Weekend Preview

It sucks both games are on Sunday. They really should stretch this thing out over two days. Also, UW tried and failed to schedule their weekend game during the football games for the 12th time in 13 weeks, but the NFL tricked them by starting the first game on Sunday at 2:30 instead of Noon. So only half of the UW-Penn St. game (1:30) will be on at a time when nobody that is not an immediate family member of a player will be watching. I think I could double their ratings if I was in charge of Big Ten scheduling.

Picks:
Last Week: 3-1
Playoffs: 4-4
Season: 117-118-4
All-Time: 251-244-6

COLTS/JETS

Super Bowl III rematch! Except that at least 50% of the players involved are dead and the other 50% are so messed up from long term football injuries that they don't remember the game! Except Joe Namath, who's steady diet of booze and vag chemically altered his brain cells and proved a cure for concussions. I like watching the Jets D play, and Rex Ryan is crazy. I just don't see Payton Manning losing this. He is a cyborg. Even though the game should end up being relatively close, I still feel like the Jets are maybe a slightly worse version of the Ravens on offense. And the Ravens put up 3 points last week. I like the Colts (-7.5).

VIQUEENS/UNITED STATES' TEAM

My feelings and rooting interests are well documented. REALLY well documented. The Saints are better on offense than anything the Vikings have faced all year. They can run and pass. The key I think is keeping Brees upright. The Vikes got to ROMO last week, but IN MY MIND, THE COWBOYS RECEIVERS SUCK, AND THE O-LINE WAS A DISASTER. Brees HAS RIDICULOUS RECEIVERS, AND A COMPETENT, UNINJURED O-LINE. Brees ALSO has BETTER accuracy, and BETTER coaches THAN ROMO. If Brees doesn't get Jared Allen's bloody/hairy gash rubbed in his face, I don't think I care what the Vikings do on offense (and I do think they will score). He Who Shall Not Be Named has done nothing to lead anyone to believe he will shit himself and throw a bunch of picks. But historically, he has done just that in every playoff appearance since 1999. The Saints are not particularly good on defense, and don't match up well with the Vikings, but Darren Sharper plays a mean center field, and I feel like he is good for at least one pick of his "friend" (note: He had no friends, because he is a prick. On his first opportunity, He would fuck Sharper's wife and molest his kids.) I like the Saints (-3.5). GEAUX SAINTS!! (ED. NOTE: I never said these previews weren't incredibly biased and highly prejudicial.)

Hit Em Up

I'm sure there are like two people that got the mid 90's rap reference to the title of this post.

ANYWAYS (Stolen Literary Reference alert), the reason for this post is to break down Twinkies sudden love for all things purple, and dudes with diapers who play quarterback/coach their team/slap teammates' asses for fun/cram their cocks down media member's throats/and stab fan bases in the back.

First, I think I need to take a step back and try to rationally explain my hatred for the Vikings, as well as my hatred for this particular Viking team. I've always had a strong dislike for them, and as a Packer fan (really, I didn't just decide to be one five minutes ago) I choose to root against them regardless of what they are doing or who they are playing. Same with the Bears and to a lesser extent the Lions (only because they haven't been a threat for a decade). I wish ill things on the franchises as a whole. If they move to L.A. (when) I will throw a celebration. I might drive over to Minneapolis and piss on the Metrodome. I'm definitely not one of these people who take up rooting for "The NFC North" out of some bullshit divisional pride. Knowing that, I still can be fairly rational in my hatred for Packer rivals. When the Bears got to the Super Bowl a few years back, I hated it and I rooted against them harder than I would have if I didn't really care who won that much. But, it didn't ruin two weeks of my life. I didn't avoid sports media. I still looked forward to watching the Super Bowl. If they would have won, it would have stung a bit, but I would've gotten over it.

This Viking team is different and the hatred has risen to a new level due to He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm not going to repeat all of my feelings except to say that everything bothers me more, and the fact that the media refuses to treat him like a normal player, despite the fact that I'm convinced that 99% of America now hates him and the Vikings, makes it worse. He alone is the reason that the Queens making a Super Bowl would ruin two weeks for me, and could possibly cause me to black out during the Super Bowl. And I would even consider skipping the Super Bowl for the first time since I can remember(I vaguely remember 1985 as the first one I watched). And I believe Twinkie is pretending to be a Viking fan just to piss me off. This is why, as a Packer fan, I feel that I am able to write this post.

With that out of the way, Twinkie is full of shit. I've known Twinkie in varying degrees since 2003. We hung out a lot during our final year at Creighton, and have communicated electronically quite often since graduation. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle for who he is. Might he be a sheep rapist (I was just helping it over the fence)? Maybe. You never totally know anyone I guess. The point is, I've watched NFL with him a few times in the mid-00's, and have certainly discussed it on a number of occasions. And until last Sunday with his bullshit "Thanks for the Quarterback. (insert some other bullshit about the Packers or Vikings)" text, I had never once heard him mention his affinity for the Viqueens. In fact, I distinctly remember him telling me that he was a Miami Dolphin fan. So my first question: What the fuck happened to THAT?!?!?

He uses Bill Simmon's "Rules for Being a True Fan" article to claim that because he was born in North Dakota or Montana or Canada or wherever the fuck he was born, and there was no NFL team, that he is justified in deciding now to root for the Viqueens just to piss me off. Here are a few quotes I pulled from this article.
"There's nothing worse than a Bandwagon Jumper. If sports were a prison and sports fans made up all the prisoners, the Bandwagon Jumpers would be like the child molesters -- everyone else would pick on them, take turns beating them up and force them to toss more salads than Emeril Lagrasse.) "
"19. Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:

-Your team moves to another city. All bets are off when that happens. In fact, if you decided to turn off that sport entirely, nobody would blame you.

-You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport. For instance, one of my Connecticut buddies rooted for the Sixers during the Doctor J Era, then happened to be living in Orlando when the Magic came to town. Now he's a Magic fan. That's acceptable.

-One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.

-You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour ... like if you were a UNC fan for the past 20 years, and you rooted for the Bulls (because of MJ) and then the Raptors (because of Vince). Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.

-The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.

-If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them." "

I don't see one single thing in there that justifies this fake fandom. Yes, he lives in Minnesota, but like 700 miles away from the Twin Cities. I guess my whole point is that you can't just drop the Dolphins. And you can't root for both. And you can't rely on Simmons to help you make your point. You are a poser and a bandwagon jumper.

One last thing that pissed me off. "Like you Packer fans wouldn't be excited to be in the NFC Championship" In response to Bear saying that the Twin Cities was acting like the Vikings had won the Super Bowl after they beat a team they were favored to beat, at home, after a bye week, that had won ONE playoff game in 13 years. Would Packer fans be excited? Absofuckinglutely. But Packer fans are smart enough to realize that getting to the NFC Championship doesn't mean anything. It means you get to play one more week. Packer fans are smart enough to not start to suck eachother's dick when we get to the SEMIFINALS. Not only that, but a real Viking fan (of which there is only two: Paul Allen and Ragnar) would be smart enough to know that historically, the Viqueens are fucking chokers, especially recently, in similar games (see 41-0, see Gary Anderson). They SHOULD be nervous as shit, NOT running around acting like they won something. Which is ANOTHER reason that you aren't a Viking fan. Vikings fans would be entitled to enjoy their South Beach vacation if they manage to get to the Super Bowl, but until they WIN a Super Bowl, it doesn't mean shit.

When the Vikings lose, all anyone is going to remember about this season is He Who Shall Not Be Named making an ass out of another franchise. It has been approximately 10 years since He DIDN'T completely melt down in the playoffs costing his team the game. And I am going enjoy the taste of tears when it happens.

To recap: I hate the Viqueens even more due to He Who Shall Not Be Named, Twinkie is a Dolphin fan NOT a Viqueen fan, Viqueen fans are delusional if they are that happy about one playoff win, He will stab the Viking franchise in the back too, Twinkie may or may not rape animals, I Hit 'Em Up, I am extremely white.

GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!! What say you?

Thanks For Coming

I want to say thank you to Dallas for rolling over and dying on Sunday. I just really, really hate the Vikings. That is really all I have to say about that. I unfortunately have a hard time envisioning a scenario that doesn't involve a Viking win, and a Richard suicide. It is SO fucking frustrating to watch Him sit there and throw to wide open receivers (or covered guys when the guy doing the covering has no idea that the receiver caught the ball). And I never thought I would be pissed about someone adding an F-U touchdown against the Cowboys. I dunno, maybe I don't give the Saints enough credit. The Vikings pass rush just looked so dominant against an offensive line in Dallas that I think is better than New Orleans (I have nothing to back this up). The Saints are better on offense than the Cowboys, but worse on defense. I will be a Saints fan with every fiber of my being on Sunday. Because I genuinely don't want to hate my life for the next two weeks.

The Bears Still Suck

I came to a pair of realizations last night while half watching/half being forced to watch Viqueens v. Bears last night. First, ESPN (most specifically Jon Gruden) has turned me off to watching televised football. They have finally done it after 16 weeks of trying SO hard to make me not want to watch Monday night football. Actually, I'm going to backtrack a bit and say that they made me want to stop listening to somebody describe what I'm watching. See, as it turns out, watching approximately 100 football games a year for the last 25 years or so has made me not a fucking idiot, and I generally don't need someone describing the pictures I am seeing (apologies to blind people). With about 10 minutes left in regulation, I told my wife (who for some reason was actively forcing me to watch the Viqueens (more in a minute)) that if she didn't turn the television on mute I was either going to smash the TV, or divorce her. Even though the second option was clearly a way out of a giant mistake, she chose to mute the television, allowing me to watch the remainder of the game, and decide for myself what was happening, and guess what they announcers were saying. If you have watched the Queens play at all this year, you can pretty much guess what they were saying, and it was "He Who Shall Not Be Named (insert ridiculous superlative)." The straws that broke the camel's back occurred during the Queens "miraculous comeback", which by the way, was against a terrible team that had clearly quit weeks ago, and I'm not actually sure it counts as a comeback since THEY FUCKING LOST, but I digress. During said failed comeback, He Who Shall Not Be Named threw a fairly routine crossing route to a wide open receiver that gained the Queens like 20 yards, and Gruden acted like He threw the pass left handed between his legs, and the pass literally went through a Bears defender forcing Greg Lewis to catch the ball covered in shards of bone and tissue. Later, on a third and long, the Bears dropped everyone 48 yards off the line of scrimmage, and He hit a wide open Chester Taylor who ran 20 yards untouched. On this pass, He actually died, and rose to right hand of (Sports Bottle's) god, was dead and buried for 7 days, arose, and completed that pass, because clearly, no other quarterback would ever think to throw to a wide open receiver that had nobody within 14 yards of him. On the drive where the Queens tied it, Gruden said the following things: (I'm not making (most of) these up). "Awesome." "I'm getting goosebumps." "I just climaxed" "Wow." "Jaws, pass me a Kleenex." Putting the game on mute lowered my blood pressure to a healthy level, and I was able to watch an American football game reach an exciting conclusion.

The second thing I realized last night is how much I hate He Who Shall Not Be Named as a human being and the Minnesota Vikings as an organization. I don't like rooting for the Bears under any circumstances. Last night however, I was Jim fucking Belushi. I felt like I was watching the Packers play the Queens. The circumstances have pushed the Queens so far above the Bears on the hatred level that I actually have a hard time watching any Viqueen game because I get so angry that He exists. And its not jealousy, or even being angry that he plays for the Queens anymore, because He's been dead to me since October. Its the CONSTANT fellatio, and his full name being mentioned every three seconds, and the camera that follows him around as he ignores his head coach the entire game. Watching the Queens have any success whatsoever just aggravates me so much. Watching His fucking shithead antics, and the fact that the games are forced down my throat every week, has made me actively avoid watching Viqueen games, even if it means not watching football at all. That is how bad it has gotten. My wife generally feels the same way, although she is transfixed on hoping something shitty happens and actively rooting for the opponent, therefore forcing me to watch against my will.

Now that I've found the mute button, perhaps my life has changed for the better, and I will not die of a heart attack.

2009 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!!

You are looking live! At the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Awards Extravaganza/Red Carpet Special/After Party! This year's ceremony is taking place at the illustrious Stadium View Bar & Grill in beautiful Green Bay, WI. Wind chills are a mere -10. Without further ado, your hosts: Kanye West (gay fish) and Alleged Tiger Woods mistress #11!

We will start with the biggest award, and arguably the most controversial. The O.J. Simpson Award. This award is given to the Most Valuable Player in the league, which is determined to be the highest scoring player on the team with the best record in the league. I didn't make up the rules (I did), but they must be followed.

The winner this year: Tom Brady. Brady arguably had about the 5th or 6th best season as far as QBs go. And not even close to his best season. Yet he was the best player on a shitty best team in the league, so he wins his second MVP in three years. Also he has gone MVP, LVP, MVP in consecutive years. Which is crazy. Chris Johnson just shot his pistol into the air and said: "Fuck the rules". Kanye went on a ten minute rant about how I don't care about black people because I gave the award to the white QB even though Johnson was clearly superior.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Phillip Rivers

The next award is the Ryan Leaf Award for the Least Valuable Player. This is a player drafted in the first three rounds, with the least number of points. This is a great award, because there is always a good candidate, even though it is arguably an award for the best player to get injured and fuck a team. Of course, this year, Bear had the MVP AND LVP, so it obviously doesn't mean much if you are omnivorous and make a few lucky moves.

This year's winner is Brian Westbrook who has been gunning for this award for years, and has finally injured every part of his body.

Past Winners:

2006: Domanick Davis (RIP, possibly killed by Marvin Harrison)

2007: Marvin Harrison

2008: Tom Brady

The next award goes to the highest scorer regardless of team affiliation. It is named after a dude who scored more than any other dude ever, Wilt Chamberlain. Although we may consider renaming it after Tiger Woods. Alleged Mistress #11 says: "No you diin't".

Drew Brees wins this for the second straight year. He is really good. Also, his team, The No Talent Ass Clowns, missed the playoffs again. To be fair, this team scored a lot more than my team did, but had a worse record.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Drew Brees

This next award is an inside joke to Packer fans, that relived itself when the Packers played the Lions. It is the Marquand Manuel Award given to the best "sleeper pick" in the draft, which is a player drafted in the 10th round or later with the most points. It is tied to Marquand Manuel because he would often be caught napping in the secondary and let receivers streak past him for TDs even though a safety is never supposed to let anyone deeper than him on the field. Somehow, the Lions were bad enough that he reappeared this year as a freaking starter, and the Packers promptly exploited the matchup for a deep TD, much to my delight.

This year's winner did not even start for his team, but the rules are once again the rules, so the winner is Matt Schaub, who sat behind Chamberlain Award winner Drew Brees. The list of past winners is pretty impressive, which might mean big things for Schaub next year.

Past winners:
2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Tony Romo

2008: Aaron Rodgers

The next award is the Sports Bottle Award, which goes to the Rookie of The Year. It is named after Sports Bottle because he went 2-14 in 2006, so he had obviously never played fantasy football before.

This year's winner is Percy Harvin, who is the first WR to win the award. Fuck him.

Past Winners:

2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Adrian Peterson

2008: Matt Forte

The penultimate award is the Kobe Bryant Award for the most ass raping-ist trade (allegedly). Lack of any real good candidates this year, but there was one trade so someone has to win.

This year the award goes to Twinkie for trading me Kevin Walter for Rashard Mendenhall before the season began. To be fair, neither player lasted more than a few weeks on either team. Basically, Tom Brady is somehow involved every other year, so Bear needs to trade him in the offseason. Also, in four years Bear to my brother has won twice, and a Twinkie/me trade has been involved twice. Someone else should make a trade.

Past winners:

2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson
2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt

2008: Brady/L. Coles (Bear) to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne

The final award pains me to give out. It is the Reggie White Award for the free agent pick up of the year. It is the player who was undrafted, who scored the most points. This year's winner also did not play on his team and sat the bench all year because he had a far superior QB ahead of him, which in this case is really, really ironic.

The winner is He Who Shall Not Be Named, who sat behind Aaron Rodgers on Schmock's Team. I hope he dies. The past winners include a dog killer, a shitty QB and a Jesus freak with 12 kids.

Past Winners:

2006: Michael Vick

2007: Derek Anderson

2008: Kurt Warner

Daily Wagering 12/7

I got anally raped yesterday, but I took it with a smile on my face.

I'm gonna get the update out of the way before I start crying -

• pending wagers - $20
• current balance - $43.69
• actual balance - $63.69
• overall progress - (46.74)

I didn't realize it until late last night that the Patriots cost me $50. I can't fucking believe they lost to the Dolphins. What the FUCK. I also lost $5 on a shootout loss by the Ducks to the Senators (as a side note, watching shootout updates on a cell phone is not as exciting as watching it on TV). I read recently that Kansas went on a 36-0 run against Alcorn St the other day. The Bucks, not wanting to be outdone, allowed a 29-0 run to the Cavs. That's is simply unbfuckinglievable. Suffice it to say they did not cover the +8. I did place a last second bet on the Giants yesterday, and they performed admirably, giving me somewhat of a moral victory.

Fuck Brandon Lang.

So, I've spent this entire NFL season watching the Vikings do whatever they want. It was all so easy, and all so frustrating to watch. He Who Shall Not Be Named never got touched. Jared Allen never got blocked. With this in mind I decide to turn the tables and bet on the Vikings favored by 4. Out of 12 games, they've covered the spread or at least barely missed covering the spread in 11. I choose the one game they were out of at halftime.

I did win one of my (non) foolproof parlays, though. Automatic.

Moving on.....

All my Packer bets were part of parlays I lost yesterday, so I was forced to make a couple new ones, including a prop bet. I took the Packers at -3.5 for $5 to win $4.55. I also took the prop bet that the first score of the game will NOT be a touchdown $5 to win $7.

(Non) foolproof parlay of the day - college basketball - Seton Hall, Texas A&M, Auburn (iffy pick), Michigan St and Bradley. $5 to win $6.88.

I also placed a long term boxing (non) foolproof bet - 8 matches to be decided over the next few weeks - $5 to win $13.96.

As I type this I placed a 4 team NBA money line bet. Again, money line is simply picking the winner. Nuggets, Trail Blazers, OKC and Spurs. $5 to win $24.90. Needless to say, this bet is much more important than the Packer game and I'm seriously debating whether or not to get the NBA Season Pass application that will allow me to listen to any NBA game on my phone.

Gambling lesson of the day - Prop Bets. Not being able to come up with a definition, I'll use an example. Every NFL game has a ton of prop bets (i.e. who scores first, will a team score within the first 7.5 minutes, will a team score 3 or more unanswered times, etc). Prop bets are bets that have nothing to do with the final outcome of a game. Tonight, ideally, the Packers will score first with a field goal and win me 7 fucking big ones.

If I don't turn things around today it appears I'll be on life support soon. I have authorized myself another hundy if need be, but I'm not sure I'll go through with it. But this is so much fun.

Viqueen Fans Suck

I mean seriously. Why are you even in the league anymore? I can't wait until we play the L.A. Vikings twice a year. You don't deserve a team. Also, enjoy those jerseys that will be obsolete next year. You are an embarrassment.

Sigh

At some point, don't we have to start questioning Mike McCarthy? The coaching in the first half was absolutely horrible. The second half was much better, save for the two gigantic abortions which I will discuss later. I hate complaining about coaching, and I'm quite certain I haven't had a real complaint about McCarthy since he's been here. But yesterday was glaring ineptitude.



Let me start out by saying that I think the Queens are better than us. I'm not sure that can be disputed. I don't think they are alot better, but they are good enough that we can't have 7,000 mental errors and reasonably expect to beat them.



-The playcalling in the first half was inexcusable. We can't block anyone. So clearly, the obvious decision is to throw nothing but 5 and 7 step drops. Then, after 5 sacks or so (regardless of whose fault) we should not adjust at all and stick to our plan of running nothing but 25 yard routes. It was ridiculous. The second half proved that short, quick passes will work. And they ALWAYS work. And we REFUSE to do it.



-Ryan Grant. I dislike me some Ryan Grant. He has no vision whatsoever. Yet McCarthy REFUSES to give anyone else an opportunity to carry the ball. I don't think we were running the ball much against the Viqueens no matter who it was, but didn't it seem that Ahman Green ran with a little more purpose? Why does he steadfastly refuse to give anyone other than Grant more than two carries, both of which are draw plays on 3rd and 16??



-Kickoff returns. We have NOBODY faster than Ahman Green to return kicks? By using him, you are basically saying "We will just take it at the 25, thanks." No CB? No WR? Nobody can return kicks but Ahman Green? Baffling.



-Kickoff Coverage. I get not wanting kick away from Harvin initially. But after two straight backbreaking returns, McCarthy finally decided to squib. Again, sort of out of necessity because we couldn't even get a hand on him. Then, after that was successful twice. He inexplicably kicks it deep and gets burned AGAIN? What the fuck?



-Mason Crosby is not capable of kicking a 50 yarder. The fact that he is like 0 for the season, should tell you that. It made no sense to throw a 40 yard pass on 3rd and 8, and then settle for a FG.



-Defensive scheme. Pretty much dominated the 3rd quarter. I think we had a bit of misfortune in the 4th. Poor field position killed us in most cases. But other than 2 possessions, we got NO pressure on He Who Shall Not Be Named at all. Maybe the Viqueens o-line is that good? Or maybe our talent sucks? Alot of what I think happened is that the Queens did what the Pack should have and ran a ton of short routes. Even if we could get through, we wouldn't have had time to get to Him. But even on deep drops, he generally had all day. And I saw Kampan stumbling around in coverage most than once.



-Penalties. Jesus fucking tap dancing Christ that is frustrating. Fucking headbutts, fucking holdings, fucking shit. Every fucking week. Is there ANY fucking accountability? I realize that maybe the players are dipshits, but you can't fire 53 players.



OTHER STUFF



I actually have to commend Thom Brenneman and Troy Aikman. They were actually pretty restrained in their effusive praise of He Who Shall Not Be Named. By far the best announcing team there has been for one of His games. It was obviously a big story, and they gave it the proper amount of attention. But they actually seemed interested in the fact that the Packers were playing.



G-Force did me proud. Two consecutive quarters of boos, plus a nice one at the end. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Anyone who says it was anything but a strong boo is a moron. Also, anyone who wasn't booing should get the fuck out. I don't want to hear from you two months from now when the Pack is in the playoffs. That includes the dipshits at the end of the game with the Packer garb on and the "We love (He Who Shall Not Be Named)" and "We want (He Who Shall Not Named Back)". Congrats folks, you fucking have him, because you are a Viking fan. Fuck. You.

Lets take a quick look at the wild card race since the division is gone barring a 2008 He Who Shall Not Be Named-type meltdown:
Philly 5-2
Dallas 5-2
NYG 5-3
Atlanta 4-2
GB 4-3
Chi 4-3
Ari 4-3
SF 3-4
Car 3-4

Two of those will win their divisions. I think NO and Min pretty much have theirs wrapped up. We play Dallas, Chicago, Arizona and San Francisco yet. 2 at home. We probably need to win all of them. I don't love our position right now, but there is a long, long way to go.

Can't wait to avoid all forms of sports media for the next two to three days. Watched a Taylor Swift video with my breakfast this morning instead of SportsCenter. Listened to Rise Against instead of sports talk.

Bear's Miller Lite Keys to the Game

As I sit here, reveling in my extra hour of sleep from the night before, I am contemplating taking a shower before I head down to the bar to watch the festivities of the day. My anger flares as I watch some assclown fullback from the Eagles run for a 40 yard touchdown instead of LeSean McCoy, who I chose to start in my flex spot in Juice's league. One thing has been really irking me though. The passing, quick overview analysis of sports writers.

This guy says the Packers D looked terrible in the first game(I won't argue that) and he doesn't see that changing just because of home field advantage. Orrrr how about the fact that we have Atari Bigby back now? Having Bigby in there allows him and Collins to play safety as a unit so I don't have to watch Berrian streak down the sideline, have Al Harris turn around and see his safety playing zone over the middle of the field instead of giving help over the top. Along with that we've also gotten Clay Matthews in on more snaps and we've pretty much given up on Kampman being a linebacker/potential coverage guy in this scheme.

Then I have ESPN's Kevin Seifert talking about our offensive line as though Clifton and Tauscher are our best options at tackle right now. Really? Maybe 3 years ago... How about the offensive line that just got done giving up ZERO sacks to the Cleveland Browns? I know I know, it's the Browns and they're terrible, but stick with me for a minute, we just gave up 5 sacks to the Lions the week before that. The Cleveland Browns defensive line isn't nearly as terrible as the rest of the team, I like TJ Lang and I like Allen Barbre and the way this offensive line is currently set up.

There were many other writers I could have used for these examples, they've all been spewing the same gibberish, they get paid to analyze football but all the regurgitate is whatever the people expect to hear. No research, no watching games, ESPN sucks.

Ok! My keys to the game! I've got a couple pretty strong ones and then one random rant/crazy key.

First of all, we absolutely cannot allow the Vikings wide receivers to do what they did in the first game. It was completely unacceptable for their wide outs to just turn on go routes and score touchdowns. Or for them to do medium depth slant routes and have Kampman running around in circles deciding whether or not he should cover or blitz(the answer there is blitz). It was abysmal and embarrassing.

Secondly, I think we really need to run at Jared Allen. He's obsessed with rushing the passer, we all saw what he did the first game. He's barely even considering that a running play would come to him, if we could run some delay hand offs or counter moves to his side of the line, I think we could really catch him way too far upfield. Run some screens to his side, anything to get him thinking about something other than just running as fast as he can towards Rodgers. If we keep him guessing for a split second and give Lang a chance to get a half step on Allen I think it would greatly improve Lang's chances of success in keeping him away from our QB.

And my last rant/crazy thought process. I say we focus on the Vikings running game the same way we focus on any other team. Treat Adrian Peterson like he's nothing special. Why? Even when you shut him down for 53 yards on 25 carries, it's still Adrian Peterson and he's still a threat to bust out a 50 yard run on any carry. Knowing this the Vikings will still hand the ball off to him whenever they want because he's that big of a threat. So focusing in on Adrian Peterson will never actually shut down the Vikings running game, because to shut it down would mean that at some point in the game they will stop going to ADP, that will never happen. We need to shut down Brett Favre because himself and the Vikings are completely infatuated with making Brett Favre's stats better. We've got to stop that.

Huge game, huge week, huge turning point for the season

My "Weekend Off"

This weekend was going to be a weekend to rest a little, lay on the couch, perhaps do some yard work that I've ignored for about four weeks now, go on a date with my wife or some shit, etc. But I got tickets to my first Badger game ever this weekend for $20, so I had to go.

You may be wondering "Juice, you seem like a pretty big sports fan, I'm shocked you've never been to a Badger game". I would agree, it is strange. I guess it is the fact that I grew up around Green Bay, and my parents didn't have any money really, so we just never got down there. What is also odd is that I've been to 24 Packer games since my first one in 1988, and those tickets are twice as much, and probably slightly harder to come by. We've just always known random people that were able to hook us up with tickets, and never knew anyone that had Badger tickets.

ANYWAYS, the wife and I are headed down at the asscrack of dawn Saturday due to the 11 a.m. kickoff (which is way to fucking early). I'm little stressed because I don't know my way around all that well, and as there is with Green Bay, there are special tricks for traffic/parking that exist on gamedays that I'm not aware of. I'm sure it will be fine. My wife is already pissed that I'm making her leave at 6 a.m. I just want to make sure I have time to soak it all in, and drink as much as possible before 11 a.m. because of the asinine non-drinking rule at Camp Randall.

Also, many may ask "Holy shit, you are going down to Madison on Halloween???? Where are you staying?" The answer is that somewhere around age 25, the thought of being tear gassed (this allegedly happened to my brother once) stopped sounding good to me. And really, I've only got a weekend or so a year of tolerance for getting all sweaty and standing shoulder to shoulder with other drunken assholes to get warm beer. And that weekend is Oktoberfest for me. I just hope to see some random slutty nurses, or slutty cats, or slutty devils or slutty witches or something. Wisconsin 34, Purdue 20.

Quick NFL Picks: Den (+3.5), NYJ (-3.5), Ind (-11.5), Det (-4.5), Dal (-9.5), Chi (-13.5), Hou (-3.5), Phi (+1), SD (-16.5), GB (-3), Ari (-10), Atl (+10)

Remember on Sunday Packer fans: 1) boo the Vikings hard, and that means EVERYONE; 2) bags of piss; 3) Cheer the Pack LOUD

I Heard A Rumor

...That there MAY be a football game in town on Sunday. But maybe I thought of that in a blackout state in Vegas. I dunno.



I really don't want to bitch about the whole situation for the 7,432nd time, so I wanted to pull the rug out a little.



As sick and tired as I am with the media beating the He Who Shall Not Be Named storyline into the ground, I had an epiphany when NFL Network was showing "He Who Shall Not Be Named's Top 10 Moments in Green Bay". These highlights shouldn't piss me off. I can enjoy those highlights. Because you know what? As much as I currently hate that prick, all of those highlights occurred when he played for MY team. So those highlights belong to Packer fans, and not to Viqueen fans. And I don't feel one bit bad that he doesn't play for my team anymore, because we have a really, really good QB right now. This whole situation doesn't bother me because he isn't playing for us. It bothers me because he is playing for them. So when they are showing highlight reels of him in a Packer uniform, it is OK to enjoy them.

That being said, if He isn't rained with boos and bags of piss, I am going to be severely disappointed. I am sick of the national media telling me what a shame it would be if he doesn't get cheered. He PLAYS FOR THE OTHER FUCKING TEAM!!! Even the Lions get booed, and they are fucking terrible.

I mean, Ryan Longwell gets lustily booed for fuck sake, and he 1) never won three MVPs; 2) Never held us hostage for four years while deciding to retire every year; 3) he is are all-time leading scorer; 4) wasn't all that great; 5) Never even won a Super Bowl; 6) is a kicker. All Longwell ever really did to earn boos besides going to the Vikings was to say there wasn't anywhere to eat in Green Bay besides Applebee's, which is only like 10% wrong.

I have confidence in Packer fans. And it is going to be a fucking nuthouse on Sunday. Packers 21, Vikings 20.

Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers

$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.

Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.

The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.

OTHER NOTES:

-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.

-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.

-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?

-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.

-59-0. Yikes.

-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.

This day on Twitter!

So a week or so ago, Black Monday, we lost to the Queens on MNF. A day or two after that Bernard Berrian, otherwise known on Twitter as B_Twice commented, what a great weekend for Minnesota sports! Cuz of the Twins and all that shit. Anyways! When I saw that I tweeted at him saying "At least we kept the axe you son of a bitch" and to my surprise he actually responded by saying something to the effect of "I ain't no son of a bitch, I'm the son of a lovely woman". Well because of that I decided to follow him on Twitter, figuring if you can get a fish to nibble once I might be able to land it later on. My biggest plan for Twitter is to get into an epic argument with someone that has some sort of celebrity status and gain some notoriety and exposure for our blog that has 3 regular readers, all of whom are probably also authors for said blog.

Anywho, today he tweets the following, "Just saw a hockey highlight and saw the teams name is the devils. Wow!! How many of u could play for a team with the name the Devils?".

Let that sink in for a minute. This guy is bitching about the word Devils? Really? Sure it's easy for you to put out fake morals and ethics about a word when you are already, for the most part undeservedly, receiving millions of dollars, but then you have the audacity to ask others if they could ever play for that team? Throwing out a hypothetical question to elicit a conditioned response from the masses of people who follow you, just so that they will agree with you and you can all nod your head at the same time for the same reason. The Jersey Devil is a mythical creature, which is what the New Jersey Devils were named after, they are not doing it to promote Satanic rituals or some other crazy shit.

And here's a fact for you Bernard, the answer to your question is, everyone! Everyone who is making less money than whatever they would make if they were good enough to play for the New Jersey Devils, because ethical and moral clarity is a fun trait to have when dealing with hypothetical questions, but when the hypothetical becomes reality you can bet your ass 99.99999% of the people who said no would flip their answer in a heartbeat. Especially with something as trivial as a stupid name derived from a mythical creature which has nothing to do with your "Sun revolves around the Earth" religion.

I'm not sure why that pissed me off so much or why I even bothered to write this out, probably because he's a member of the Queens. Man I really hate the Queens...

In The Air Tonight (Monday)

A series of dashes, followed by words:

-There are certain things that I had assumed were common knowledge. Certain things that were meant to signify things that I had assumed were universal. One of these things is the "tipping up of chairs" to reserve seating at a wedding or seminar or something. Yesterday I had a seminar for work, and I had attempted to save seats for some co-workers by doing this. Within 5 minutes, THREE different people ignored other open, non-tipped chairs, to untip these chairs and sat in them. I was incredulous. I wanted to make a scene, but I didn't really like said co-workers that much anyway, so I didn't say anything.

-Sports Bottle, me and a bunch of random dudes are 21 days almost to the minute from landing in Vegas. Also, Richard and Twinkie may come, although Twinkie continues to come up with bullshit excuses.

-I just realized yesterday that Wisconsin and Minnesota are playing for the Ax on Saturday. Long one of my favorite games to watch and torment Minnesota fans over. Unfortunately, I have a golf outing Saturday morning, and I assume the game will get ruined for me by one of my jackass neighbors so I likely won't watch any of it. I will have it set for DVR though. I think Bucky pulls out a one point game and chops down the entire new stadium with the ax. Fuck Minnesota.

-Free NFL REDZONE on Sunday on DishNetwork! Pretty pumped about that, especially since I can fully utilize it because the Packers don't play until Monday night.

-I greatly dislike it when the Pack plays Monday night. It just gives me one more day to stress the fuck out....

-Especially when they are playing the Viqueens, and especially when said Viqueens resurrected some dude from the dead to play QB. And especially when said dude is a cocksucker. And especially since I've been subjected to non-stop fellatio of said dude by ESPN because (SHOCK) the game is on ESPN and they might want to promote the fact that said dude used to play for the Packers. The Greg Lewis catch of the randomly thrown ball by He Who Shall Not Be Named won "Greatest of the Month" presented by DirecTV and Cockring Wearhouse (did we mention the game is on ESPN Monday Night Football?). Somehow this catch is almost never mentioned, and the His name is always mentioned as it being some kind of miraculous throw. The entire play is made at least once a year, every single year. It was a nice play. But it was nowhere near as miraculous as Brandon Stokely's catch of the bomb to win a game in Week 1, yet somehow the Greg Lewis catch won "Greatest of the Month" overwhelmingly. I just find it ironic that the game against the Packers is being broadcast on ESPN. AND it was the Bud Light Freeze Frame picture of the week. Oh, did I mention that the game will be on ESPN?

- It is entirely possible the the game will be one of the highest rated games ever. And the fact that the Packers are involved will be mentioned not at all.

-I'm not sure what to think about the game itself. Minnesota hasn't looked all that good against two terrible teams and one potentially not that good team. Green Bay hasn't been real impressive either. Nobody is surprised that Minnesota is 3-0 at this point. He has made one good play the entire season. And I'm still not convinced Traveaeiuouuus couldn't have thrown that pass. If we can slow down A-Peter, and put a little pressure on He (not that hard), then I think we will be in the game. We have to keep A-Rodg off of his back. I think the Queens probably win a close game, but it wouldn't shock me to see the Pack win either. It will be pretty evenly matched, and that shitdome will be loud as shit I'm sure.

-All I know for sure is that I will be blacked out with anxiety by kickoff. This game really is the perfect storm of stress. It is a divisional game, it is against the Viqueens which is always stressful and close, it is on Monday night, Oh, and the possibly the most beloved Packer player of my generation is playing quarterback for the other team. I have to come to grips with this reality, but this game, and these circumstances, are unlikely as shit. Three years ago, I would have bet a million dollars that this would never happen. But it has. And what is frustrating is that the media (mostly ESPN) has clearly picked sides, and I have to listen to how great it is that He did this to Green Bay. I sincerely hope that his spine is ripped out of his body and that B.J. Raji eats it. If we lose, I may not be able to function. Current Anxiety level: 7. I can't talk about this any more. (Ed. Note: I'll probably talk about this some more).

Fantastic ESPN poll link

Now it goes without saying that Brett Favre is the hands down greatest QB of all time, who's love of the game inspires greatness in all of us and who's child-like playful antics on the field make us all reflect a little gentler on our own hardships in life. His amazing run of dominating 4th quarter comeback drives continued on Sunday when he dutifully heaved a 30 yard pass into the back of the end zone for some random no name receiver(who's probably wearing a brand new pair of Wranglers this morning thanks to that catch). The big inflatable toilet erupted into chaos as this manchild of the football gridiron succeeded once again.

Ok enough of my Peter King impersonation. I'll give him this, he did it again, whoopah. TJack would have made that pass. Still, this is one hilarious ESPN poll link. I'm attributing the 45% who voted on the Favre play to Western Wisconsin Vikings fans(6%), true blue Favre homers who could never stop loving the man(7%), Wisconsinites who truly felt it was the best play(3%) and a Florida presidential election-esque voting page that registered votes for Driver's catch as votes for Favre's play(29%).