Sigh

At some point, don't we have to start questioning Mike McCarthy? The coaching in the first half was absolutely horrible. The second half was much better, save for the two gigantic abortions which I will discuss later. I hate complaining about coaching, and I'm quite certain I haven't had a real complaint about McCarthy since he's been here. But yesterday was glaring ineptitude.



Let me start out by saying that I think the Queens are better than us. I'm not sure that can be disputed. I don't think they are alot better, but they are good enough that we can't have 7,000 mental errors and reasonably expect to beat them.



-The playcalling in the first half was inexcusable. We can't block anyone. So clearly, the obvious decision is to throw nothing but 5 and 7 step drops. Then, after 5 sacks or so (regardless of whose fault) we should not adjust at all and stick to our plan of running nothing but 25 yard routes. It was ridiculous. The second half proved that short, quick passes will work. And they ALWAYS work. And we REFUSE to do it.



-Ryan Grant. I dislike me some Ryan Grant. He has no vision whatsoever. Yet McCarthy REFUSES to give anyone else an opportunity to carry the ball. I don't think we were running the ball much against the Viqueens no matter who it was, but didn't it seem that Ahman Green ran with a little more purpose? Why does he steadfastly refuse to give anyone other than Grant more than two carries, both of which are draw plays on 3rd and 16??



-Kickoff returns. We have NOBODY faster than Ahman Green to return kicks? By using him, you are basically saying "We will just take it at the 25, thanks." No CB? No WR? Nobody can return kicks but Ahman Green? Baffling.



-Kickoff Coverage. I get not wanting kick away from Harvin initially. But after two straight backbreaking returns, McCarthy finally decided to squib. Again, sort of out of necessity because we couldn't even get a hand on him. Then, after that was successful twice. He inexplicably kicks it deep and gets burned AGAIN? What the fuck?



-Mason Crosby is not capable of kicking a 50 yarder. The fact that he is like 0 for the season, should tell you that. It made no sense to throw a 40 yard pass on 3rd and 8, and then settle for a FG.



-Defensive scheme. Pretty much dominated the 3rd quarter. I think we had a bit of misfortune in the 4th. Poor field position killed us in most cases. But other than 2 possessions, we got NO pressure on He Who Shall Not Be Named at all. Maybe the Viqueens o-line is that good? Or maybe our talent sucks? Alot of what I think happened is that the Queens did what the Pack should have and ran a ton of short routes. Even if we could get through, we wouldn't have had time to get to Him. But even on deep drops, he generally had all day. And I saw Kampan stumbling around in coverage most than once.



-Penalties. Jesus fucking tap dancing Christ that is frustrating. Fucking headbutts, fucking holdings, fucking shit. Every fucking week. Is there ANY fucking accountability? I realize that maybe the players are dipshits, but you can't fire 53 players.



OTHER STUFF



I actually have to commend Thom Brenneman and Troy Aikman. They were actually pretty restrained in their effusive praise of He Who Shall Not Be Named. By far the best announcing team there has been for one of His games. It was obviously a big story, and they gave it the proper amount of attention. But they actually seemed interested in the fact that the Packers were playing.



G-Force did me proud. Two consecutive quarters of boos, plus a nice one at the end. I enjoyed it thoroughly. Anyone who says it was anything but a strong boo is a moron. Also, anyone who wasn't booing should get the fuck out. I don't want to hear from you two months from now when the Pack is in the playoffs. That includes the dipshits at the end of the game with the Packer garb on and the "We love (He Who Shall Not Be Named)" and "We want (He Who Shall Not Named Back)". Congrats folks, you fucking have him, because you are a Viking fan. Fuck. You.

Lets take a quick look at the wild card race since the division is gone barring a 2008 He Who Shall Not Be Named-type meltdown:
Philly 5-2
Dallas 5-2
NYG 5-3
Atlanta 4-2
GB 4-3
Chi 4-3
Ari 4-3
SF 3-4
Car 3-4

Two of those will win their divisions. I think NO and Min pretty much have theirs wrapped up. We play Dallas, Chicago, Arizona and San Francisco yet. 2 at home. We probably need to win all of them. I don't love our position right now, but there is a long, long way to go.

Can't wait to avoid all forms of sports media for the next two to three days. Watched a Taylor Swift video with my breakfast this morning instead of SportsCenter. Listened to Rise Against instead of sports talk.

"Bottoming Out"

Yeah, it is a few days late, but I have been fucking busy working, being hungover, and making earth shattering trades involving third string fantasy football players, so deal with it.

Without further ado, here is a recap of the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Draft/Drinking/Inappropriate Sexual Reference Extravaganza. (Special shout out to the future Mrs. Schmock for letting us destroy your house and for the incredible food)

FRIDAY

It all started off innocently enough. After a long ass, stress filled day at work, I headed to OshVegas to pick up my brother. My brother and I destroyed a few gyros and headed down to Stoughton.

Schmock was busy earning a living as a professional softball player, so we started drinking pitchers of beer and waiting for he and future Mrs. Schmock. A few pitchers, and a few drunken townies (one with super short jorts, and a leg spreading problem) later, our hosts arrived. So we had a few more pitchers and went to their house. A quick stop at the car for the essentials (booze, food, and Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call) and it was on.

Drank some more. Bear, SportsBottle and Richard showed up. Drank some more. Played some Wii. Drank some more. Began to black out while playing Wii bowling. Took a hot (temperature wise) shot of Goldschlager, nearly vomited, went to bed around 4 a.m., which is the latest I've been awake in a long time.

I'm fairly certain that the phrase "Something, Something, Something, Dark Side" and "Something, Something, Something, Complete" were uttered between one and 10,000 times.


SATURDAY


I somehow slept until like 10:45, which is nearly fucking impossible for me. Typically, no matter how drunk I got, or how late I go to bed, I'm up by like 9 at the absolute latest. I was awoken by rain hitting my leg from the open window about 5 feet away, which means it was raining too hard to golf.

Sat around awhile, got the ball rolling with a screwdriver, got the avalanche started with a strong screwdriver, and decided to switch to beer before I died. Mark showed up and we drafted.

We were in agreement that next time we chose a station to broadcast the event, that we actually require them to bring video cameras, because it would be really fucking funny. However, I'm also quite certain a few of us would be fired from our jobs if anyone actually saw it, so maybe it is for the best.

The draft started out with a bang when Loaf Cobra, in spirit, controversially drafted Steve Smith (since injured) and Reggie Wayne. I say controversial because it left Loaf Cobra with Marshawn Lynch (suspended for three games) and Derrick Ward (not necessarily the starter) as his starting RBs. At least he has Ray Rice (not necessarily the starter) and Leon Washington (almost certainly not the starter) as his backups. Anyone see another 4-10 coming? Bear was almost as bad at drafting for Loaf Cobra as he is at not being a dick. Actually, looking at Loaf Cobras running backs make me feel a hell of a lot better about me having Anthony Gonzalez and Bernard Berrian at WR.

There weren't that many ridiculous picks. I guess if I had to choose, Jerome Harrison in the 11th round seems early. Especially since I will cut him prior to the regular season probably. Also recieving votes: Shaun Hill Round 12, by me, Darrius Heyward-Bey 13th Richard, and Michael Bush 15th by Duper. Anyway, we got drunk, drafted, listened to a story about Twinkie skipping the draft to see Taylor Swift's snatch, and repeated Family Guy lines (possibly the one in the clip above, about 100,000 times). (Ed. note: This was a fucking manifesto and took me two sittings to write. So appreciate its greatness)

After the draft, we headed over to the bar to mix Red Bull and hard alcohol with our beer, repeat Family Guy lines (possibly from the clip above) and everyone except Schmock and I looked at the guttersnipe with the knee high socks that was warming up for her shift at some unknown strip club or flop house. For some reason, I was allowed to "sample" various flavored vodka drinks before I ordered them, even though I didn't ask to sample them. These "samples" were about a shot each. So you can see where this is going. Schmock brought up ordering UFC 101, and within 14 seconds everyone ponied up $5, which is insane because we are all generally drunk and cheap assholes.

We head back, start watching the PPV, which is the first one I've ever seen in its entirety. Pretty good time. I especially enjoyed Anderson Silva making that dude his bitch. Out of nowhere some random people showed up with their two kids under the age of 5. (I apologize for what is coming up, because I'm sure Schmock and future Ms. Schmock knew these people, but I was a .64 at the time, and I may have been properly introduced, but I don't recall it. So I'm assuming for the sake of argument that these were complete strangers off the street looking for free entertainment.)

I have no kids, may never have kids, don't particularly like kids, and am definitely not qualified to give parental advice to anyone, but to plop the kids in front of the TV and 6 completely fucking annihilated/vulgar/perverse strangers, to watch dudes get their faces turned into hamburger at like midnight seems like curious parenting. And I don't know about everyone else, but I have zero filter when I'm drunk, so if I said "fuck" less than 54 times in the hour they were there I would be surprised. Good, clean, family fun. It was just a bizarre situation (no offense).

I hardly remember the title bout because I was blacking out. I do remember the title of this post being brought up out on the patio, and I just thank (Sports Bottle's) Christ that it didn't come out inside the house. I also hope the adult strangers weren't outside, because that would have been awkward. Although I'm not dead, so it probably didn't. I don't remember who brought it up first, but I'm choosing to blame Mark because it sounds like something he would say, and I would think was funny, and repeat a thousand times. And I'm not going to explain it either, because the FBI would be at my office in about five minutes.