"Docta Said I Need A Backeotomy"

---Sir Smokealot.

We are entering the time of year where there isn't going to be all that much for me to write about. Sure, I suppose I could write about the NFL playoffs, but unless something super funny happens, I don't really need to put you through a 1,203,451st post about what a piece of shit He Who Shall Not Be Named is. Although I suppose, you could witness my last few days (and probably the end of humanity as Satan swallows up the Earth when his prophecy is fulfilled) if He and His Viqueens win the Super Bowl. Let's just hope and assume that isn't going to happen. ANYWAYS, other than college basketball junk, which I love, but which doesn't typically give me that much to write about, there isn't much out there. Combine that with the fact that Uncle Sam and his archaic tax system forces everyone in America to file a tax return by April 15th (and that this system provides me with an excuse to stay employed, which provides me with free internet access for the other 9 months out of the year to post incessant ramblings on this site), and I will be actually "working" and not "pretending to work" (except during March Madness when I will be watching MMOD on my computer) there will be alot less of me in the coming months. Historically (last year) you can see that the number of posts in February and March is reduced dramatically. Here is the point. We allegedly have 3 other people and one other zoo animal that are able to post things on this here site. I don't mind carrying this team for 9 months out of the year ala Aaron Rodgers, but once in awhile I need someone else to make a play. I'm merely requesting that you each take like 10 minutes a week to put something of (time wasting and irrelevant) substance here. I will attempt to throw something up once a week or so, or more if something tickles my fancy (like NBA gun play, or Tiger chasing Wilt). Thank You.

THE WEEKEND

I have a "quintuple date" on Saturday consisting of my wife and I, and my four bosses and their spouses. It is going to be awful. I'm either going to miss a good portion of Colts/Ravens, or I am going be up until 4 am watching shit on the DVR (there is also UW/Ohio St. at 7, and CU/Wichita St at 4 on ESPN2 (why bother)). Not sure what to do yet. Maybe I will just get blacked out on margaritas.

SNOW VOLLEYBALL

Richard finally broke me down. Even though I went at least once in college and it was not memorable at all. I'm headed to La Crosse in a few weeks to get blacked out at the Alpine Inn while watching drunken assholes freeze thier asses of on a snow covered volleyball court, then attempt to navigate down the bluff without dying. Good thing the ice is frozen, or I would drown Richard in the Mississippi. The Unknown QB is also going. And also maybe everyone's favorite friend of my wife. Richard is totally going to bang her (or my brother will?) AGAIN.

NFL PICKS

This is the second best weekend in sports. First is the four day open to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Hopefully nobody is taking these pretend bets and placing them for real.

Last Week: 1-3
Season: 114-117-4
All-Time: 248-243-6

NO (-7), Ind (-6.5), Min (-2.5), SD (-7.5)

X-Mas Spirit

One "party" down. One "party" to go. This afternoon is my work "party". This party is going to take place between 3 p.m. and 4:30 p.m. on a Friday afternoon, and is going to consist of appetizers and drinks. I'm not even kidding. Also, since I live 30 minutes from work, getting all fucked up is not an option. Not that getting all fucked up with people 30 years older than you is all that fun anyway, but I would like that to be an option. I would say the highlight of the party is that it is going to be free, and it will save me an hour and a half of pretending to work.

Saturday, it is my mission to put up the Christmas tree and rearrange the furniture in my living room to accommodate it. The biggest thing is that I have to carefully plan this around the smorgasbord of sports on television. My goal is to nip that shit in the bud before the SEC championship game. As bullshit as the rankings and the BCS is, I do realize that we in fact live in a society (Russia?) where this is about as big of a game as you can possibly get in college football. And it is #1 v. #2 for the chance to play in the fake (but at the same time all too real) championship. Bucky will be destroying a collection of athletes from a historically black college (Grambling) at noon, which I assume will be on the Big Ten network. This would seem to be an ideal time to get this decorating shit out of the way. The good thing about decorating the tree, is that other than putting the fake tree together and getting it correctly wired (pre-lit of course, so wiring consists of plugging all the sections together), I am not allowed to touch it. This is probably because I don't really give a shit about where the ornaments go, or which ones go on the tree, or whether every square inch is covered. The process of watching my wife decorate this stresses me the fuck out. Which typically leads to drinking.

Saturday night is going to culminate in Wisconsin interrupting their beach vacations to take on the Rainbow Warriors (yeah, I went there) of Hawaii. The game starts at TEN THIRTY (10:30) P.M.!!! Which is cruel and unusual. If I was in Vegas, it would be awesome to bet on this game with no other games to distract me (See Boise St./Hawaii in October). Instead, I will have to find a way to stay awake until 2 a.m. to see the end of a 40 point blowout. (Actually, I'm seeing 47-20 Bucky, Badgers rush for 300 plus). The only positive for all of you is that I can insert information into the T-3000 because this will be the last game, and the brackets can likely be revealed by Sunday morning for Juice's Dream NCAA D-I Football Get Together Presented by Astroglide.

Sunday will be a day of rest, and watching random NFL (seriously, if I am subjected to another fucking shitty Viking blowout I'm going to murder somebody. So you should probably steer clear on Sunday night) games (and that $5.99 a month for RedZone is making more and more sense to me every week). Monday, I get to try to slink out of work a few hours early so that I can belly up at Buffalo Wild Wings before Packers/Ravens.

Out.

Where do I go from here?

As the world of sports keeps churning with another shitty NBA finals in the works, Tiger winning another tournament, the Twins continuing their quest to have the worst road record in baseball (and somehow still being competetive in their divison) and Favre coming closer to achieving his goal of being the first person to alienate fans from EVERY team in the NFL, I continue to sit in my dusty office with outdated furniture, no company website and hard feelings.

That is why a potential change is in the works for Twinkie. In the words of Milton "that is the last straw."

What would you do if you were me? Would you take a job with a raise of about 2K a year, better healthcare, better retirement, paid mileage and with a nice boss who will help you? Or would you continue to work in the same depths of hell where nobody gives a shit about you, except how much money you make them every month. And to make things worse, if that amount isn't good enough to help them make their SUV, boat payments and support their addiction to gay porn, you have to listen to them bitch you out about it. Also, when you ask for your mileage check, you are questioned about it, like you are a lying sack of shit or something.

That's right, I may surrender my license to do what it is that I do (or at least place it on hold) while I potentially dive into greener pastures. I may give my notice within the next week and may possibly become an overpaid secretary for a career (or at least for awhile). Not sure how long that career will last, but it beats the stress of trying to cram the information from 300 bitchy "customers" in your head (ok, more like 12). And if for some reason I change my mind and decide to stay, you can A) forget this entire post or b) you can track down my boss(es) and blackmail me for drugs or sex or both.

On another note, we just finished our second week of co-ed, slow-pitch, softball last night and we are 2-2, with our 2 losses being by a combined total of nearly 40 runs. On a side note, I also hit 2 balls to the left field fence for a triple and an inside the parker and almost had a heart attack both times.

This entire post is why I don't post anymore. It is incoherent, boring and nobody gives a shit about it because they don't know me. Except Juice and even he is a prick and probably doesn't care. You can all burn in (Sportsbottles and my) God's hell. I just realized I forgot my Prozac.