The Oktoberfest Manifesto

This will probably be my last post of the week, unless something changes. I actually have alot of shit to do before our grand return to La Crosse on Friday.

Oktoberfest is the best time that a human being can have. Ever. Trips to Vegas are awesome, and I'm certainly looking forward to that too. But it is a different kind of awesome than Oktoberfest. It is a bit more complicated, you don't really know your way around, there is a system to Vegas drinking that needs to be re-figured out each time you go, time gets all weird because of the time zone, and because you are in the windowless casinos most of the day. You have to fly there, etc. Great time, but different.

Oktoberfest is unique. You get a combination of likeminded people, gathering in a college town to drink 48 oz warm beers, get annihilated, and do stupid things. You will see 18 year olds in the bars wasted at all hours. You will see 80 year olds at the bars wasted at all hours. You will see a 21 year old puking in the middle of 3rd street at bar time. You will see two 47 year old women getting into a fist fight at bar time. You will see the most disgusting bathrooms you have ever seen in your entire life. You will see cops on horses. You may go 48 hours without eating. You may eat 6 Jimmy John's subs in 12 hours. The drinks are relatively cheap considering how much they could charge (people would drink it no matter what). Yet everyone always leaves with no money. People fight for the chance to pay $200 a night for a hotel room. Every year is the same. Every year is different. Every year is fantastic.

Oktoberfest has two or three fantastic moments for me every year, and two or three awful moments.

Fantastic Moment #1: The Arrival. It is great to get there, having that anticipation in your stomach, and tasting that first beer. Then waiting for everyone else to arrive, and being super happy to see everyone, even though in six hours you will be sick of half of them. This year will be slightly different because I've seen most of my college buddies about a thousand times this summer due to various bachelor parties and such. But it will still be awesome.

Fantastic Moment #2: Friday night. Usually consists of everybody getting blacked out drunk like they haven't been blacked out drunk since the Oktoberfest before. Especially since we are all getting older. Combination of beer, shots and drinks at John's. Everyone stays out on Friday until physically removed from the bars, and gets drunk enough to still be pretty drunk in the morning.

Fantastic Moment #3: About 8 (or 9? or 10?) a.m. on Saturday/Badger game. Being the first to arrive at Brother's every year. Never knowing what time the place opens (I swear those fucks change it every year). Staking our spot for the Badger game. A few times we actually ended up waiting outside for Brother's to open because we were so early. Even though the hotel room is like a block away, you need to avoid the temptation to go back to bed. Drinking a screwdriver as soon as possible is of the utmost importance. The Badger game on Saturday is one of the funnest things ever too. The bar gets PACKED (especially for a 2:30 game, although they are playing at 11 this year). The bar plays Badger music after scores (WHEN YOU SAY WISCONSIN, YOU SAID IT ALL!). Everyone dances and sings along. Everyone gets super fucking wasted. Then you walk outside, and it is still daylight.

Shitty Moment #1: Waking up Saturday. There is a 50/50 chance of me puking from Friday, which sucks. I have never been so sick that I've been prevented from immediately drinking on Saturday. But others have.

Shitty Moment #2: The Saturday lull. At some point on Saturday night, you drink yourself sober. It has happened to me every year. Your body gets used to being a .36 BAC, and you just cannot possibly get any more drunk, no matter what you do. This is AFTER the mandatory switch back to hard alcohol from beer because you have to step up your game. You would have to drink like a whole bottle of booze at once to get any more drunk, and even that might not do it. This leads to feeling tired and bored. We have had a few times where we were able to stretch it out until bar time, but typically by midnight I am done.

Shitty Moment #3: The drive home. Speaks for itself.

Going to be super motherfucking awesome. I have some important shit to do at work tomorrow, and I just don't know how I'm going to do it well. My mind is already in La Crosse. Feel free to pass this on to anyone else that is going. I would like to hear your comments.

I Very Nearly Went to the Game Today...

Then we had a landscaping mishap, and now I can't afford it. Also, from the time I was going to buy yesterday afternoon to last night, ticket prices went up like $25, so I probably wasn't going anyway.

In other news, I was at Piggly Wiggly last night (because I'm old, and old people buy groceries on Saturday night), and this month's issue of Cosmo, with Megan Fox on the cover, was fucking censored. Someone took a fucking piece of wood and placed it in front of every issue on the shelf.

Did I move to fucking Salt Lake City?!?!?!? Is this Russia?!?!?!? Is it 1952!?!?!!? What the fuck? It isn't even that good of a cover. I mean, there isn't anything wrong with it, but it is like every. other. issue. of. Cosmo. EVER. Seriously, I might not be able to go there ever again. Quit pushing your fucking morals on me. Now if you excuse me, I have to go beat myself with a chain because I looked at this month's issue of Cosmo.

What Old Men Do On the Weekend

That is, what I am planning to do this weekend, now that I don't get to pretend to be 21 again for two weeks.

-Hanging blinds.
-Eating dinner at my parent's house.
-Drinking and watching the Packer game in the back yard with my neighbors
-Going for a run.
-Possibly going on a date with my wife.
-Playing video games.
-Watching TV.
-Surfing the Internets for funny Hitler videos
-Cleaning.
-Sleeping.
-Going to bed before 3 a.m.
-Yard work.

I would probably be dead/divorced if I got black out drunk for a fifth straight weekend, so it might not be too bad.

Shit In My Eye Preview

Big weekend begins tomorrow. It is my first (non-official holiday) day off of work since last September. And it is the annual rite of spring/summer where UW-L alumni and semi-alumni descend upon the Southern Wisconsin hamlet known as Stoughton, Wisconsin to get drunk as fuck and celebrate the Constitution of our Norwegian ancestors. And all these years I thought we were celebrating their independence. Except that nobody except Schmock is actually Norwegian I think.

The biggest deal this year is a format change from previous years. In prior years we would arrive to Stoughton mid-to late afternoon, start drinking, drink until we passed out (or didn't) and then go golfing at 6 a.m. or so. This year, it was decided that we should start drinking six hours earlier on Friday, and golf at 9 a.m. Friday and boycotting the outing on Saturday. And then get up early Saturday and drink anyway. So I get to leave GB at like 6 am on my day off to drive to Stoughton so I can puke. This makes absolutely no sense for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I at least, am a total fucking pussy, and will absolutely drink myself into a coma by like 3 p.m. on Friday. But it will be fun regardless.

Another change is that instead of sleeping on Schmock's parent's floor next to a dying black lab, I will at least have a couch (I think) to pass out on at Schmock's house. This I think is probably a good change, although his house is not tripping and falling distance from the bars.

Here are some things that I hope are repeated from past years:

-Schmock not sleeping at all until about midnight on Saturday, drinking the entire time, and being an absolute zombie to the point that he can't speak.

-Sports Bottle covertly hooking up with some random townie chick, and not admitting that it actually happened. (Although he is involved right now, so I would assume those chances are slim).

-Schmock's dad being so drunk that he is claiming to see ghosts at 5 a.m., and then going to work driving around a flower delivery van at 6.

-Richard losing something.

-Mark moving.

-Me shitting on a semi-trailer in a strange part of town.

-Me puking.

-Someone flipping a golf cart.

-Richard falling into the river and drowning.

-Worm doing something highly illegal.

-Jason and Brader showing up out of the blue and sleeping in a tent for no logical reason.

-Someone in Schmock's family crying because one of us is a drunken asshole.

-Truman putting in a five finger chew.

-Everyone living through the weekend.

College Life Review

So I just wanted to toss in this quick non-Brewer related post. I happened to catch this new MTV show called "College Life". It has the potential to be life altering. The premise is that they give 4 college freshman at UW-Madison a camcorder, and hilarity ensues. It was unbelievable how I knew every single kind of person they showed on the show. It is fucking great. There is the dude that will get kicked out of college because all he does is get fucked up (on the season premier he got busted playing beer pong in his dorm room, and got a 33% on a Math test), there is the hot chick who dates the douchebag that treats her like shit and she gets drunk and cries about it, there is the Jesus freak chick who dates the douchebag that treats her like shit but she deserves it because it is her fault he is a dick because she isn't fucking him, and there is the weird hippie/geeky/multi-racial/possibly gay dude that doesn't get into "football games". I mean, it has been 10 plus years now since my freshman year of college, and absolutely nothing has changed. If this show doesn't get you into a 45 minute conversation about how your life sucks now compared to college, then you didn't go to a school in the UW system. Fuck I miss it.

RATING: First episode was a 4.5 of 5 for the memories. Series could be a 5. Will probably be a 3. But my wife has already set it to record every Monday night at 9:30.

Memories....

The Jays take on Oral Roberts at 2:05 p.m. today. It makes me a little sad. About 5 years ago, I would be shaking off a hangover to get to the game at the Qwest. Today feels like a day where Twinkie and I would make a day of it by drinking about $40 worth of beer at the game, then stumbling to the Blue Jay Bar or Jobber's Canyon to drink for another 10 hours after the game, while watching our buddy Mike drunkenly try to pick up chicks with two burning cigarettes in his mouth. Jays by 7 today.