Seriously. I feel like I'm some kind of time warp (hot tub perhaps?) where every day, I click through some web sites (not as many as I would like) and receive my sports news. And like every two days, right there on the front page of ESPN.com, is a story, usually linked with a video that is titled "Vikes Will Wait on (He Who Shall Not Be Named." or "Childress says: (He Who Shall Not Be Named) Can Take As Long As He Wants". I'm not exaggerating when I say this is the SAME HEADLINE two to three times a week. STOP ASKING HIM! Clearly, Childress and the Vikings are going to give Him AS MUCH TIME AS HE WANTS!!!! Fuck! And even if they weren't, you know what? He would take as much time as He wants anyway!! An He is going to decide in mid-August, like he does Every. Motherfucking. Year. So here is an idea to all you media types: ASK IN AUGUST! Like after the third preseason game, because it gets later every year. Stop wasting Internets space with your rubbish.
Signed,
Guy Who Just Wasted Space On The Internets With Rubbish
Showing posts with label Brad Childress makes Wayne Fontes look like Vince Lombardi. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Brad Childress makes Wayne Fontes look like Vince Lombardi. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Saturday, October 3, 2009
OJSFA Week 4 Preview
First, somehow, even though the Packers haven't played a 3-4 defense since the 1980's, He Who Shall Not Be Named has an intimate knowledge of the Packers defense. Really? He may be vaguely familiar with a few of the players, but when Bernard Berrian is talking about the DBs playing "press coverage" it is clear that Chilly hasn't even looked at a game tape from this year. Its not like He Who Shall Not Be Named hasn't seen every defense ever created in his 43 years in the league, so I don't think there is a real advantage to be had here, but if anyone has an advantage it is the Packer defenders who played against him in practice every day, and against Him in the same offense, and not the other way around.
This just in: HOLY SHIT. They arrested the dude who taped Erin Andrews! No. Fucking. Way.
Onto the previews.
GAME OF THE WEEK:
Heywood Jablome (2-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (2-1)
I believe Heywood has been in the game of the week every week. Which either means whomever picks the weekly matchup for TLC thinks they are good, or they have a tough schedule.
Line: Frauleins by 5
History: Heywood leads 1-0
OTHER GAMES:
The White Broncos (2-1) v. Marino for Prez (1-2)
I'm playing a team not run by Schmock. That is disappointing because I was looking forward to continuing my dominance. However, Duper's team sucks, so I'll be fine.
Line: Broncos by 3
History: Broncos lead 1-0
R.I.P. Billie Jean (3-0) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-2)
Billie Jean continues to defy the odds by not losing. The Ass Clowns are in the midst of what is sure to be a 10 game losing streak.
Line: Billie Jean by 20 1/2 (!!!)
History: Billie Jean leads 2-0
Schmock's Team (1-2) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (1-2)
Schmock is not playing me, so he has a chance to win. Bear is a terrible human being/animal.
Line: Schmock by 5
History: Schmock leads 5-2
SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:
Clown Baby (1-2) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-2)
The Grapefruit continue to be the worst team in the league. So they really, really suck. The backfield of Cadillac Williams and Darren McFadden does not make me think of Jim Taylor and Paul Hourning. I'm just sayin'.
Line: Clown Baby by 12 1/2
History: Grapefruit leads 4-2
This just in: HOLY SHIT. They arrested the dude who taped Erin Andrews! No. Fucking. Way.
Onto the previews.
GAME OF THE WEEK:
Heywood Jablome (2-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (2-1)
I believe Heywood has been in the game of the week every week. Which either means whomever picks the weekly matchup for TLC thinks they are good, or they have a tough schedule.
Line: Frauleins by 5
History: Heywood leads 1-0
OTHER GAMES:
The White Broncos (2-1) v. Marino for Prez (1-2)
I'm playing a team not run by Schmock. That is disappointing because I was looking forward to continuing my dominance. However, Duper's team sucks, so I'll be fine.
Line: Broncos by 3
History: Broncos lead 1-0
R.I.P. Billie Jean (3-0) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-2)
Billie Jean continues to defy the odds by not losing. The Ass Clowns are in the midst of what is sure to be a 10 game losing streak.
Line: Billie Jean by 20 1/2 (!!!)
History: Billie Jean leads 2-0
Schmock's Team (1-2) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (1-2)
Schmock is not playing me, so he has a chance to win. Bear is a terrible human being/animal.
Line: Schmock by 5
History: Schmock leads 5-2
SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK:
Clown Baby (1-2) v. A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-2)
The Grapefruit continue to be the worst team in the league. So they really, really suck. The backfield of Cadillac Williams and Darren McFadden does not make me think of Jim Taylor and Paul Hourning. I'm just sayin'.
Line: Clown Baby by 12 1/2
History: Grapefruit leads 4-2
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Let's Rationalize
Now that my blind fury has passed, and I was able to avoid most of whatever bullshit was coming out of that lying fucks' mouth. I though I would take a deep breath, and discuss the actual ramifications for your 2010 NFC North Division Champion Green Bay Packers.
I realize that a rational argument could also be made for the opposite of this, or that tomorrow he will cry and change his mind again, but I only have the mental capacity for this line of positive thinking.
This signing is going to fuck our friends to the west in the following ways:
1) Chilly isn't smart enough to utilize whatever is left in His tank, and obviously doesn't have the balls to stand up against Him, meaning He is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which is throw it all over the fucking place. The strength of the team is A-Peter, and Chilly was too dumb not to give him the ball 400 times last year. Imagine what he'll do now. Does anyone remember the Ray Rhodes era? How about the Mike Sherman era? Remember how well it went when we had a coach that didn't stand up to him? Anyone remember 2005 when Darrell Bevell was his QB Coach and he threw 29 interceptions in a 4-12 season?
2) It is going to take 5 to 10 carries per game away from A-Peter, which is fantastic for Queen opponents. This is regardless of what play is called, because you know that there will be a shitload of run to pass audibles.
3) Whatever they may gain in total yardage due to more passing, they will lose in more turnovers, and less third down conversions on a whole. The rationale: A-Peter is a virtual guarantee to get you 3 to 5 yards on every carry. While he does fumble, the chances of a running back fumbling are far less than a QB throwing a pick on third down. Also, the chances of a completion for a first down regardless of yardage is probably around 50 or 60%, which makes the chances of getting nothing 40 to 50%. The chances of a first down run on 3rd and 5 or less are probably a little higher, and the chances of getting nothing are lower. Of course, some of the passes will go to A-Peter, but ask Ryan Grant how many times he was hung out to dry on a last second flip pass, only to turn around and get decleated by a linebacker.
4) They still have zero WRs. Donald Driver, on the downside of his career, would still be the number one in Queenland.
5) The locker room is going to be destroyed.
6) Seriously, Chilly is an idiot.
7) I think you can pencil in He for 20 to 25 TD, and 15 to 20 INT. Traveiouereueos and Sage would've given you 15 to 20 TD and 10 to 15 picks. And an extra 150 touches for A-Peter, arguably the best player in the league.
And if all of the above doesn't come true, well, then I'm going to start filling bags of urine right now, in the hopes of giving one to each and every fan at Lambeau on November 1, to do what they please.
I realize that a rational argument could also be made for the opposite of this, or that tomorrow he will cry and change his mind again, but I only have the mental capacity for this line of positive thinking.
This signing is going to fuck our friends to the west in the following ways:
1) Chilly isn't smart enough to utilize whatever is left in His tank, and obviously doesn't have the balls to stand up against Him, meaning He is going to do whatever the fuck he wants. Which is throw it all over the fucking place. The strength of the team is A-Peter, and Chilly was too dumb not to give him the ball 400 times last year. Imagine what he'll do now. Does anyone remember the Ray Rhodes era? How about the Mike Sherman era? Remember how well it went when we had a coach that didn't stand up to him? Anyone remember 2005 when Darrell Bevell was his QB Coach and he threw 29 interceptions in a 4-12 season?
2) It is going to take 5 to 10 carries per game away from A-Peter, which is fantastic for Queen opponents. This is regardless of what play is called, because you know that there will be a shitload of run to pass audibles.
3) Whatever they may gain in total yardage due to more passing, they will lose in more turnovers, and less third down conversions on a whole. The rationale: A-Peter is a virtual guarantee to get you 3 to 5 yards on every carry. While he does fumble, the chances of a running back fumbling are far less than a QB throwing a pick on third down. Also, the chances of a completion for a first down regardless of yardage is probably around 50 or 60%, which makes the chances of getting nothing 40 to 50%. The chances of a first down run on 3rd and 5 or less are probably a little higher, and the chances of getting nothing are lower. Of course, some of the passes will go to A-Peter, but ask Ryan Grant how many times he was hung out to dry on a last second flip pass, only to turn around and get decleated by a linebacker.
4) They still have zero WRs. Donald Driver, on the downside of his career, would still be the number one in Queenland.
5) The locker room is going to be destroyed.
6) Seriously, Chilly is an idiot.
7) I think you can pencil in He for 20 to 25 TD, and 15 to 20 INT. Traveiouereueos and Sage would've given you 15 to 20 TD and 10 to 15 picks. And an extra 150 touches for A-Peter, arguably the best player in the league.
And if all of the above doesn't come true, well, then I'm going to start filling bags of urine right now, in the hopes of giving one to each and every fan at Lambeau on November 1, to do what they please.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Conspiracy Theory!!!
So here is my latest conspiracy theory regarding He Who Shall Not Be Named. I've not seen this theory, nor read it anywhere else, although that doesn't mean it is original. So here is what we allegedly are being convinced is true by "sources":
Exhibit 1: Out of nowhere, we are attacked by flashes across the bottom of the screen during Game 2 of the NBA finals, that He had surgery and "is not convinced his shoulder is good enough to consider coming out of retirement". Whatever the fuck that means. I'm going to pretend not want to bitch about this blurb, and take it as true.
Exhibit 2: The Viqueens had previously refused to acknowledge that they are in fact interested in His services.
Exhibit 3: The Viqueens had previously refused to deny that they are in fact interested in His services.
Exhibit 4: This alleged surgery has a recovery time of like 4 more alleged weeks.
Exhibit 5: Today, there is no way He could play a game, and according to "sources" He won't commit until He is sure that His brittle old ass can throw a football.
Exhibit 6: Also out of left field, the Viqueens have allegedly given Him a deadline of the end of the week to piss or get off the pot.
Exhibit 7: Anyone recall how His last alleged deadline turned out? You know. The one he was allegedly given by Thompson to retire or not?
So this is what we are led to believe as true. Here is my conspiracy theory. The Viqueens are NOT in fact, AT ALL interested in He. The Viqueens have, and rather shrewdly I think, led their semi-retarded fan base along for the past two months, and also led the semi-retarded He along, to a) sell badly needed season tickets, b) drum up media coverage and c) piss off Green Bay. The Viqueens have played as long as they can without completely poisoning their current roster, and are now bailing by giving a deadline that He can't possibly comply with to shift the fan bases blame to Him, while pretending they were really interested all the time, but needed to move on.
In other words, this was all a gigantic sham orchestrated by someone in the Viqueen front office (definitely not Mr. Noodles Brad Childress, who can't figure out how to MAKE noodles), that He was a pawn in, only he was too stupid to realize it.
If any of this is true, it is the most genius thing ever to come from Minnesota with the exception of the Blizzard, roller blades and "Fargo".
WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN: He'll probably play for the Queens because He is an asshole, and I have to pretend he never played for the Packers.
Exhibit 1: Out of nowhere, we are attacked by flashes across the bottom of the screen during Game 2 of the NBA finals, that He had surgery and "is not convinced his shoulder is good enough to consider coming out of retirement". Whatever the fuck that means. I'm going to pretend not want to bitch about this blurb, and take it as true.
Exhibit 2: The Viqueens had previously refused to acknowledge that they are in fact interested in His services.
Exhibit 3: The Viqueens had previously refused to deny that they are in fact interested in His services.
Exhibit 4: This alleged surgery has a recovery time of like 4 more alleged weeks.
Exhibit 5: Today, there is no way He could play a game, and according to "sources" He won't commit until He is sure that His brittle old ass can throw a football.
Exhibit 6: Also out of left field, the Viqueens have allegedly given Him a deadline of the end of the week to piss or get off the pot.
Exhibit 7: Anyone recall how His last alleged deadline turned out? You know. The one he was allegedly given by Thompson to retire or not?
So this is what we are led to believe as true. Here is my conspiracy theory. The Viqueens are NOT in fact, AT ALL interested in He. The Viqueens have, and rather shrewdly I think, led their semi-retarded fan base along for the past two months, and also led the semi-retarded He along, to a) sell badly needed season tickets, b) drum up media coverage and c) piss off Green Bay. The Viqueens have played as long as they can without completely poisoning their current roster, and are now bailing by giving a deadline that He can't possibly comply with to shift the fan bases blame to Him, while pretending they were really interested all the time, but needed to move on.
In other words, this was all a gigantic sham orchestrated by someone in the Viqueen front office (definitely not Mr. Noodles Brad Childress, who can't figure out how to MAKE noodles), that He was a pawn in, only he was too stupid to realize it.
If any of this is true, it is the most genius thing ever to come from Minnesota with the exception of the Blizzard, roller blades and "Fargo".
WHAT WILL REALLY HAPPEN: He'll probably play for the Queens because He is an asshole, and I have to pretend he never played for the Packers.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
My Sincerest Apologies
I know I've said at least five other times that I wasn't going to discuss this anymore, but why fight it? It is something that I have an opinion about that I feel is an insightful one in that I probably spend somewhere between 25 and 98% of every single day thinking about the Green Bay Packers. This issue affects the Green Bay Packers. Also, I feel that the tide of opinion has sufficiently been turned within the two people in this blog audience that this won't turn into a he said he said bitch fest. I truly believe that what may be about to happen would leave any Packer fan to have only one thought. And although I sort of thought that last year too, this year is a whole shitload different. So I am treating this more of a get together to get some things off my chest and to allow anyone else that cares to agree with me. Maybe all this shit that is coming out is untrue, and He will either go away, or sign a one-day deal with Green Bay and retire. Alot of this has to play out yet, so this is an obvious overreaction. But if we are being realistic here, I think we all know where this is going. I am trying to separate this in to semi-coherent sections:
1) He doesn't give a fuck about His legacy with the Green Bay Packers and he is a terrible human being.
This is obvious, and cannot be argued. Scott or Bonita or Deanna or Britney Favre or Bus Cook or whoever the fuck is leaking his shit these days has said that the only reason he wants to come back is to "stick it to the Packers." Which means that unequivocally he is a fucking asshole. And if he thinks that ANYONE in Green Bay would cheer for him if he shows up to Lambeau in a Viking uniform, he is a bigger moron that I've been giving him credit for.
An argument could be made that the Packers didn't handle their shit very well last year, and as a result, many fans were pissed. But the Packers had nothing to do with this possible shitstorm. He is intentionally trying to go to an rival.
2) He is not that good any more.
Two years ago, yeah, he was great. Last year? He threw like 20 INTs. He threw like 50% of his TD passes for the season in one game. He led his team to a losing record.
3) He is quite possibly injured.
4) He will be FORTY.
5) This signing would not make the Viqueens a Super Bowl contender.
I guess part of me should be rooting for this to happen, because it would wreck another year of Adrian Peterson's prime. Not that Treoiouarvarious Jackson is not terrible, or Rosemary Sagenfels is not average at best, but how does this make the Viqueens a title contender for the 12th straight year? Is He really a step up from Gus? Did they improve at all on defense? Other than the 5' 2" pothead they drafted from the WR goldmine that is Florida, did they gain any receivers? I've got some news for Viqueen fan. Even with A-Peter, your offense is NOT much better than the Jets was last year. Jones/Washington was a good backfield, Coles/Cotchery/Keller is better than the Viqueens receiving core. The Jets had at least as good of an offensive line. He is no longer capable of putting a team on his back, which is what the Queens would need him to do, because they have no receivers.
Beyond all that, Brad Childress is quite possibly the worst coach in the NFL, and He will be allowed to ignore A-Peter and wing it up 45 times a game.
Is Minnesota a division contender no matter who is at QB? I think so. But adding that prick and a few more picks to the locker room isn't going to make them that much better.
6) When will the media stop sucking his dick?
He is outright lying to everyone. He unequivocally told Trent Dilfer NO when asked if he was thinking of coming back. And like two hours later, Scott or Bonita or Deanna or the ghost of Irv was leaking a story that he was meeting with Childress. Not only is he fucking the fans that worshipped him for 16 years, but he is fucking the media that is partially responsible for all this shit in the first place. Nobody at ESPN is willing to stand up and say, "You know what? This is a total bitch move on His part, and I'm not going to dignify anything he or that fucking snake Bus Cook says until he is wearing a fucking Viking uniform or not. Because he has done nothing but lie to our faces through text messages for the last five years." Instead, you get all these bullshit excuses about what a competitor he is. Fuck that.
I feel a little better now. I predict today he will hold a press conference from his tractor that he is not coming back, and then he will sign with the Vikings five minutes later, and then tell Chris Mortensen that he is not coming back while attending mini-camp for the Vikings.
1) He doesn't give a fuck about His legacy with the Green Bay Packers and he is a terrible human being.
This is obvious, and cannot be argued. Scott or Bonita or Deanna or Britney Favre or Bus Cook or whoever the fuck is leaking his shit these days has said that the only reason he wants to come back is to "stick it to the Packers." Which means that unequivocally he is a fucking asshole. And if he thinks that ANYONE in Green Bay would cheer for him if he shows up to Lambeau in a Viking uniform, he is a bigger moron that I've been giving him credit for.
An argument could be made that the Packers didn't handle their shit very well last year, and as a result, many fans were pissed. But the Packers had nothing to do with this possible shitstorm. He is intentionally trying to go to an rival.
2) He is not that good any more.
Two years ago, yeah, he was great. Last year? He threw like 20 INTs. He threw like 50% of his TD passes for the season in one game. He led his team to a losing record.
3) He is quite possibly injured.
4) He will be FORTY.
5) This signing would not make the Viqueens a Super Bowl contender.
I guess part of me should be rooting for this to happen, because it would wreck another year of Adrian Peterson's prime. Not that Treoiouarvarious Jackson is not terrible, or Rosemary Sagenfels is not average at best, but how does this make the Viqueens a title contender for the 12th straight year? Is He really a step up from Gus? Did they improve at all on defense? Other than the 5' 2" pothead they drafted from the WR goldmine that is Florida, did they gain any receivers? I've got some news for Viqueen fan. Even with A-Peter, your offense is NOT much better than the Jets was last year. Jones/Washington was a good backfield, Coles/Cotchery/Keller is better than the Viqueens receiving core. The Jets had at least as good of an offensive line. He is no longer capable of putting a team on his back, which is what the Queens would need him to do, because they have no receivers.
Beyond all that, Brad Childress is quite possibly the worst coach in the NFL, and He will be allowed to ignore A-Peter and wing it up 45 times a game.
Is Minnesota a division contender no matter who is at QB? I think so. But adding that prick and a few more picks to the locker room isn't going to make them that much better.
6) When will the media stop sucking his dick?
He is outright lying to everyone. He unequivocally told Trent Dilfer NO when asked if he was thinking of coming back. And like two hours later, Scott or Bonita or Deanna or the ghost of Irv was leaking a story that he was meeting with Childress. Not only is he fucking the fans that worshipped him for 16 years, but he is fucking the media that is partially responsible for all this shit in the first place. Nobody at ESPN is willing to stand up and say, "You know what? This is a total bitch move on His part, and I'm not going to dignify anything he or that fucking snake Bus Cook says until he is wearing a fucking Viking uniform or not. Because he has done nothing but lie to our faces through text messages for the last five years." Instead, you get all these bullshit excuses about what a competitor he is. Fuck that.
I feel a little better now. I predict today he will hold a press conference from his tractor that he is not coming back, and then he will sign with the Vikings five minutes later, and then tell Chris Mortensen that he is not coming back while attending mini-camp for the Vikings.
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