If They Only Knew

I had a really funny thought as I was pulling into my parking stall at work today. What if for some reason, one of my bosses decided to go into my coat pocket and pull out my iPod? And they looked at the screen and it said "Thug Love"--Bone Thugs feat. 2Pac--Art of War. (Sound of shotgun cocking). What kind of reaction would that garner? I have a feeling they would either look at my neon whiteness and laugh. Or possibly realize that I don't "fit in" and make up some bullshit economic excuse to can me. Or, more likely, cower in fear around me and shield their daughters.

As an aside to an aside, I watched "Archer" on FX last night. I saw two episodes. It was sort of funny. Not laugh out loud mostly, but I would give it another chance. For those who aren't aware it is another adult cartoon, containing partial cartoon nudity and crude language. The story line revolves around the characters being spies at a MI-6-type agency. As an example of a story line, two of the male spies were fighting in the locker room and their penises touched (not in "camera" view.) and there were all sorts of gay jokes. Since Sports Bottles whole life is one big gay joke, he would like it. My wife will be pretty happy if it ends up making the DVR list along with South Park and Family Guy. I give it a 3 out of 5, but I would probably watch it if I was bored and stumbled across it again.

Dells Debut

So tomorrow is going to mark the fourth consecutive Saturday that I get black out drunk. For a man my age, with a real job, and a house, and a wife (thank (Sports Bottle's) god no fucking kids), it is an impressive feat. Very difficult to do, especially since it was probably around 2003 the last time it happened.

Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.

I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.

I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.

VEGAS UPDATE

The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.

PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.

NEW BLOG

unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)

So You're Saying There's a Chance!?!

The Hebrew Hammer turned down a chance to hammer a bunch of random sluts on TV. It's probably much better to have been invited and turned down the chance to have America realize that baseball players aren't that bright (I have no actual knowledge of if he is bright or not). It shows you are a semi-celebrity, and aren't so full of yourself that you need to be on TV. Plus, he already has hoes in different area codes, so he probably doesn't need any desperate to marry him. He just has to deal with the ones poking holes in this condoms (assuming he actually uses such a thing). This story just made Susuan Sarandon do a silent fist pump.