Bear's Miller Lite Keys to the Game

As I sit here, reveling in my extra hour of sleep from the night before, I am contemplating taking a shower before I head down to the bar to watch the festivities of the day. My anger flares as I watch some assclown fullback from the Eagles run for a 40 yard touchdown instead of LeSean McCoy, who I chose to start in my flex spot in Juice's league. One thing has been really irking me though. The passing, quick overview analysis of sports writers.

This guy says the Packers D looked terrible in the first game(I won't argue that) and he doesn't see that changing just because of home field advantage. Orrrr how about the fact that we have Atari Bigby back now? Having Bigby in there allows him and Collins to play safety as a unit so I don't have to watch Berrian streak down the sideline, have Al Harris turn around and see his safety playing zone over the middle of the field instead of giving help over the top. Along with that we've also gotten Clay Matthews in on more snaps and we've pretty much given up on Kampman being a linebacker/potential coverage guy in this scheme.

Then I have ESPN's Kevin Seifert talking about our offensive line as though Clifton and Tauscher are our best options at tackle right now. Really? Maybe 3 years ago... How about the offensive line that just got done giving up ZERO sacks to the Cleveland Browns? I know I know, it's the Browns and they're terrible, but stick with me for a minute, we just gave up 5 sacks to the Lions the week before that. The Cleveland Browns defensive line isn't nearly as terrible as the rest of the team, I like TJ Lang and I like Allen Barbre and the way this offensive line is currently set up.

There were many other writers I could have used for these examples, they've all been spewing the same gibberish, they get paid to analyze football but all the regurgitate is whatever the people expect to hear. No research, no watching games, ESPN sucks.

Ok! My keys to the game! I've got a couple pretty strong ones and then one random rant/crazy key.

First of all, we absolutely cannot allow the Vikings wide receivers to do what they did in the first game. It was completely unacceptable for their wide outs to just turn on go routes and score touchdowns. Or for them to do medium depth slant routes and have Kampman running around in circles deciding whether or not he should cover or blitz(the answer there is blitz). It was abysmal and embarrassing.

Secondly, I think we really need to run at Jared Allen. He's obsessed with rushing the passer, we all saw what he did the first game. He's barely even considering that a running play would come to him, if we could run some delay hand offs or counter moves to his side of the line, I think we could really catch him way too far upfield. Run some screens to his side, anything to get him thinking about something other than just running as fast as he can towards Rodgers. If we keep him guessing for a split second and give Lang a chance to get a half step on Allen I think it would greatly improve Lang's chances of success in keeping him away from our QB.

And my last rant/crazy thought process. I say we focus on the Vikings running game the same way we focus on any other team. Treat Adrian Peterson like he's nothing special. Why? Even when you shut him down for 53 yards on 25 carries, it's still Adrian Peterson and he's still a threat to bust out a 50 yard run on any carry. Knowing this the Vikings will still hand the ball off to him whenever they want because he's that big of a threat. So focusing in on Adrian Peterson will never actually shut down the Vikings running game, because to shut it down would mean that at some point in the game they will stop going to ADP, that will never happen. We need to shut down Brett Favre because himself and the Vikings are completely infatuated with making Brett Favre's stats better. We've got to stop that.

Huge game, huge week, huge turning point for the season

Fantastic ESPN poll link

Now it goes without saying that Brett Favre is the hands down greatest QB of all time, who's love of the game inspires greatness in all of us and who's child-like playful antics on the field make us all reflect a little gentler on our own hardships in life. His amazing run of dominating 4th quarter comeback drives continued on Sunday when he dutifully heaved a 30 yard pass into the back of the end zone for some random no name receiver(who's probably wearing a brand new pair of Wranglers this morning thanks to that catch). The big inflatable toilet erupted into chaos as this manchild of the football gridiron succeeded once again.

Ok enough of my Peter King impersonation. I'll give him this, he did it again, whoopah. TJack would have made that pass. Still, this is one hilarious ESPN poll link. I'm attributing the 45% who voted on the Favre play to Western Wisconsin Vikings fans(6%), true blue Favre homers who could never stop loving the man(7%), Wisconsinites who truly felt it was the best play(3%) and a Florida presidential election-esque voting page that registered votes for Driver's catch as votes for Favre's play(29%).

Not really surprising at all...

So glancing over at JSOnline's blogs I came across a post that had a quick blurb and a link to a story about how Favre's Viking Jersey is the number one seller for NFL jerseys in WI this year. Now there is a number of people that go to school in Wisconsin from Minnesota, UW-River Falls, UW-Stout, UW-Eau Claire, UW-La Crosse are all within about an hour from the MN border. Inevitably Minnesota people end up living in the western part of Wisconsin, and the ultimate travesty, some people in western WI are just Vikings fans because of their close proximity to the Twin Cities and their home games.

There's no real point or anger to this post, I just thought it was kind of an interesting little graphic. Apparently people in Arkansas and Florida love Favre! Goofy stuff. Also, some Samoan LB is the top jersey seller in the Pacific NW? Cutler is the tops in Michigan? Go Lions! Vick is number one in NY and NJ but Favre takes the top honor in PA?

OMG Brett Favre!

Brett has broken the hearts of hundreds of thousands of Wisconsinites by choosing to... remain retired and not join the Minnesota Vikings.

What a disappointment, now what the fuck am I gonna talk about all season? Oh right, football and the Green Bay mother fucking Packers. Who, regardless of a 57 year old quarterback giving up 10 picks to us in a year or not, will still dominate the shit out of the Queens and probably have homefield wrapped up by week 13 this year. Suck on it.

UPDATE: Oh and I forgot to add, there's no way in hell he doesn't end up in purple a week after this, so I would like to hold a press conference to retract my previous statement and ecstatically rejoice the signing of Brett Favre by the Queens.

It's never gonna happen

But man I'm really hoping that at some point this off season, someone on the Packer's D comes out and says something like what Lance Briggs said about Favre in that PFT article.

I just want them to come out and say what we're all thinking, yea bitch, come out and play for the Vikes, we ain't afraid of your 39 year old ass, we'll rip it to pieces.

This weekend concluded the annual winebox race. Each 6 person team has to drink a box of wine(5 liters) and a liter of beer as fast as you can. We took 3rd with a 1:18. We've lost about 5 seconds a year since we won it 2 years ago, so it's pretty disappointing. I then made the great decision to drink for about 10 hours yesterday and then went to watch The Hangover, got to bed by about 1AM. I felt fucking awesome this morning, seriously, no hang over, great. That's my life.

PS, When's the next Haley's comet?

Just as I predicted...

ESPN immediately throws up a news article about how awesome Favre's comeback win was today. Maybe they forgot the whole reason they were down at all was because Favre threw a pick earlier in the game that lead to a Chiefs touchdown and then threw another pick that got returned for another TD? Fuck ESPN and fuck Favre.

Also that new Guitar Hero commercial with Tony Hawk, Kobe Bryant, A-Rod and Michael Phelps is really creepy and leads me to believe that all four of those individuals had sex with each other.

The Fat Man and The Old Man

Brett Favre and Prince Fielder. Apparently Brett's gone to Tampa Bay Your New York Jets!, they just got done working out a preliminary trade agreement this afternoon and he's out the door. Well, whatever I'll ignore that for now until something actually gets settled, so many people justifying their sports writer paychecks right now by reporting non stop on just 100% pure speculation bullshit.

On to the fat man. Did I not warn everyone I know at the beginning of this season that he was a fat piece of shit and a cancer? In fact that's his new nickname, Fatty Tumor. Here are some gems from Prince's media announcement today.

I've been playing with Manny since rookie ball. It's not like we hate each other. At least, I don't.

So this dumbass doesn't even know if a guy he's been playing with for over 4 years hates him? I can usually tell if someone hates me when I walk into a room.

No one will reveal the exact details but word has it that Fielder didn't like that Parra was headed to the clubhouse without staying on the bench to watch the top of the inning, especially after just surrendering six runs.

So Parra's upset about giving up six runs in an inning? Give him some fucking breating room. No one questions Prince's fat ass when he swears off meat, or stops paying his taxes, or misses every fucking ground ball that is hit more than 3 feet away from him on either side, much like what happened for a 2 run RBI single in the inning that Parra just gave up six runs.

Fielder said he had yet to sit down and talk with Parra about the altercation but indicated he planned to do so.

Wait, so you are giving a media interview about this altercation and you haven't sat down and talked to your own teammate about it? That's fucked up in my opinion. Take care of your shit internally first, then give the media their story after.

Now for Yost's drug induced coma of an interview.

Asked what would warrant removing a player from the lineup, Yost said, "non-hustle, being late, disrespecting the game in terms of hot dogging, no hustling, those types of things."

Apparently Yost is not a fan of his players not hustling.

"That one thing doesn't hurt his image. It was a mistake on both sides, one that I think both of them regret.

How the fuck was this Manny Parra's mistake? He got fucking shoved to the ground and almost sat on by a 320 pound tumor.

Oh well, none of this surprises me, I don't know if I can hate him anymore than I already did, however this is just one more thing to use in any discussion about why his new nickname is Fatty Tumor and why we should be shopping him for as much as we can get in the next season or two.

Help Wanted

I am going to be quitting my job effective immediately and reporting to Packer training camp as there is apparently an "open competition" at QB. I assume that means for anyone.

Can we really trust anyone in this situation? I mean, this is getting more fucked up by the minute, as if that is even possible. I would not be surprised to learn that Favre and Ted Thompson are going to through a messy breakup of their illicit gay love affair and that is the cause of the tension. Or that Favre was indicted for molesting border collies. Nothing would shock me at this point. Favre might retire Tuesday. He may be traded (the Pack allegedly contacted the Queens on Friday). He may be forced to play with the fourth stringers. He may sign the personal service contract. Or there might be a legit competition. I won't believe anything until it happens. There has been more speculation that I've maybe ever seen.

The circus is officially coming to town. Yesterday, Favre's plane landed and you would have thought the president had arrived. A few dozen fans were screaming his name (and CRYING. Fucking get a life you fucking losers.), flash bulbs were popping, regular programming was interrupted. Also, Rodgers looked like shit (and was booed) at the scrimmage last night. This isn't going to end well. I don't see any way that the circus is going to end if Favre stays other than him being named the starter. Which if that is what McCarthy legitimately decides, I will get over myself and pretend this shit didn't happen. (I bet the makeup sex will be incredible.) And then I will brace myself for the same thing next year.

I guess we will have to wait until 8:15, when the world will shut down and McCarthy will hold a press conference where he will say some shit like "We will take it one day at a time". And we will be no closer to the end of this than now. Or he will rip his face off and reveal that he is a horse, and then the horse will rip its face off and reveal he is a broom. Nothing would surprise me.

YOUR Oklahoma City....Energy?

Not a real big NBA fan, but I find it interesting when teams move and change thier names. I'm kind of a defunct franchise junky. So I see that OKC has applied for patents for six possible nicknames: Barons, Bison, Marshalls, Energy, Thunder and Wind. And according to the article they spelled "Marshalls" wrong. I guess it is only spelled with one "L". That makes my obvious vote for that one because I would love to see a team with an unintentionally mis-spelled nickname. If I wasn't a lazy piece of shit, I would head over to the local U.S. Patent office and put a patent on the correct spelling, then sell it to the NBA for like $20mil and retire to the Caribbean.

My second thought is that Energy and Wind are Liberace gay. In fact, I'm pretty sure the Milwaukee Bucks dance team is name is nicknamed the Energee! So that would be a weird dynamic. And what the fuck is a "wind"?

I am partial to Thunder because that was my high school's nickname. But oh how I would love to see Kevin Durant play as a member of the OKC "Marshalls".

AS AN ASIDE:

It is SO frustrating to watch the Crew leave 12 guys in scoring position every game. That was a game that should have been won last night. And yes, I am bitching about an 8 game winning streak being snapped...I feel like a fucking Yank or Sawx fan.

I predict Favre will be gone by the end of the night tonight. There is no way the Packers want that distraction. Whether he shows up to camp or not, it will be a distraction for the whole team if there is a possibility of him playing QB for the Packers. Because there will always be some group of dipshits that start chanting for Favre to come back every time the Packers punt.

I'm Not Dead

I also haven't pretended to retire, then suspiciously ask for my release immediately following a number of conversations with my "friend", who just happens to be a mid-level executive at one of our main blog competitors. (That by the way is a joke, we have no competition, mostly because nobody knows we exist.) Anyways, I LOVE the tampering angle. And the scenario isn't all that retarded at all. I would savor the Vikings first round pick more than life itself. FUCK THE QUEENS. Have fun with Tavarious (or how ever the fuck it is spelled) and you half full dome assfucks.

Also wanted to chime in on the latest from our genius manager Neddy. It has been rumoured on various radio shows 'round these parts, that Ned Albert Einstien Yost, is following up his batting the pitcher 8th with this beauty: He is going to solve the full starting pitching staff problem (I call it half empty, but whatever), by pitching Dave Bush in home games and Seth McClung in road games. I don't care how much of a fucking sabermatition you are (FYI, Bush is 4-2, 2.49 at home and 2-6 6.95 away and McClung is 4-4, 4.95 at home and 1-1 3.28 on the road), that is fucking retarded. Words can't even really describe how asinine that is. Even if the stats make it interesting it is fucking really, really dumb. I mean why don't we just platoon every fucking spot on the team, that is what Ned really wants. In fact, on even numbered days after road games, Ned is awful, so we should have Ted Simmons manage those games.

More 4

I would take the distraction of Jason Taylor over the distraction of Brett Favre in a second.

In reality, we probably would be better off with Favre than Rodgers. But the way dickhead went about it, there is no way Thompson could let that happen.

A few other things: I would like to thank ESPN for making Thomspon look as creepy as possible and Favre as innocent as possible on the front page right now. Clearly you can see who's side they are on.

For a very good run-down of what a fucktaster Favre has been since the NFC championship game was over, and how his claim that the Packers don't love him is fucking bullshit and he's got some type of complex that only Peter King can fix, check this out on JSOnline. Thompson has said all of the right things, whether or not he means them.

Me /punch, kick...Dead Horse/ ouch

I am consumed by this. And I can't stand it. What I also can't stand is that 70.6% of the people that read the Green Bay Press-Gazette online are fucking morons. I am going to go put my name on the season ticket list right now.

My message to that 70.6%: When the Packers do the right thing (they better), Put your money where your mouths are fuckfaces. Don't fucking show up. Don't pretend you love the team. Don't come around to church in your Favre jerseys and your Packer Zubaz. Fucking stand outside and protest, and give your season tickets to me. Clearly you are Favre fans and not Packer fans.

My eyes are bleeding

I am emailing myself this from work at about 3:20 CST, because I just heard the news and I am too upset to work anymore and I wanted to get this out while it is fresh in my mind. My first thought is that Favre is a fucking crybaby and should shut the fuck up. It basically sounds like he retired, then changed his mind, and sort of let it be known that he might want to come back, and because Thompson, McCarthy, the starting offensive line and Justin Timberlake didn't drive down to Mississippi in the Madden Cruiser to take turns getting on thier knees to beg him to come back all while deep throating his balls. Now he is asking to be released because he was so good for so long, and they owe him. Well fuck you you fucking asshole.

I guess he played for free all these fucking years. And I guess Tom, Dick, Harry, Mary Jane Rottencrotch and myself didn't spend our hard earned and pretty fucking small paychecks as often as possible to watch him play on Sunday. But you're right, you work so much fucking harder than us, and did so much more for the Green Bay fucking Packers (who have been around since fucking 1919 and won 11 fucking championships before he showed up by the way) than they did for him (even though he was quickly on his way to drinking his way out of the league when we traded for him in 1992). FUCK!

I would be remiss if I said Favre wasn't great, wasn't a Hall of Famer, wasn't possibly the best Packer ever to play, and didn't help bring us back from the shitter as a franchise. But he's just one guy. He doesn't play defense, he doesn't coach and he doesn't block. He had help. I would argue Wolf, Holmgren and White were just as if not more important to that title and his MVPs. The only thing you can't argue about was Favre's longevity which was ridiculous.

I am a GREEN BAY PACKER fan. I root for people who wear their uniform. Some (Favre) are better than others (Dilweg). Favre just happened to play QB for my favorite team for the majority of my life, and I had the good fortune to see him in person about 13 or 14 times and he had the good fortune to have a good team around him, stay healthy and be fucking good. But, let it be known, if he ends up playing for anyone else, ESPECIALLY Chicago, Minnesota or Detroit, I will fucking hate him more than any other player that has ever played. He makes Benedict Ryan Longwell look innocent. I will pray for him to be hit by a car. Just like I do weekly for Adrian Peterson and Rex Grossman (he does a pretty good job of sucking balls himself). One man is not above the team.

After saying all of that, the Packers response should be FUCK YOU. (UPDATE: Actually, it was lick the back of my nuts, but we will always love you.) Favre could not have possibly handled this any worse. He is now a white Chad Johnson, but you won't hear anyone say it. He is another guy in a long line of guys who ask for their releases or ask to be traded, and hopefully he is another one that gets rejected. This is NOT the Packers fault in any way. Favre fucking retired. He cried. Whether they rented him 12 Asian hookers to try to stop him from retiring, I dunno, but it isn't their decision to make. If he hadn't retired, we wouldn't be here today. I would be blissfully happy to have him under center, looking forward to a successful season, and dreading next offseason when he took four months to make up his mind again. Favre has every right to change his mind I suppose.

(UPDATE#2: HOLY FUCKING SHIT. IF THIS IS TRUE, DOUBLE EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT THINKING HE IS A FUCKING ASSHOLE. Check this shit: In late March during the NFL Owners Meeting, Favre informed the team he wanted to play again, multiple sources have told FOXSports.com. Not only did he insist he was returning, both head coach Mike McCarthy and GM Ted Thompson agreed that he still had something left and they would welcome him back. Despite the fact that those close to Favre have stated Thompson did not want Favre back, Thompson was the deciding factor in agreeing it was not too late to have him un-retire at that time and start for the Packers in 2008.
In fact, team brass went as far as chartering a jet to fly to Mississippi to make it official later that week. The agreement was that the NFL's all-time leading passer would return for the year but help make it easier and palatable for Rodgers, who would have to wait another season to take the helm.
The group was set for this huge move when Favre suddenly phoned the team two days before the meeting was to take place and informed McCarthy that he had changed his mind yet again and was staying retired. While team officials were stunned by Favre's reversal, they made the decision to move on and draft his replacement, a move that Favre at the time understood. The Packers selected two quarterbacks in April's draft, Louisville's Brian Brohm in the 2nd round and LSU's Matt Flynn in the 7th round. But if he decides to come back, it is not the organizations fault, it is Favre's. )

I think the biggest thing here is, the organization has moved on psychologically, and so have alot of fans. It isn't fair to anyone involved to think they should do fucking backflips when he feels like he might, possibly, eventually, think about coming back. Ted Thompson needs to do what is best for the team and right now (even though this is an assumption that everyone is making, and we have no idea what the truth really is) he feels like that is to treat Favre like any other player. He hasn't jumped when Favre said, and Favre is bitching like a whiny girl. Thompson feels like Favre isn't above the team, and at this point he may feel like things have progressed to far to go back. (AND THAT FUCKING PRICK CHANGED HIS MIND ONCE ALREADY. SEE ABOVE) The best real life example I have heard to compare this situation to is when a hot girlfriend dumps you, you grieve, you mourn, you get all fucked up, make out with a few randoms, but eventually you find someone you think you can be happy with and you settle down a bit, only to have that hot ex-girlfriend expect you to drop everything when she gets done fucking a bunch of dudes with 13 inch cocks and take her back. It's not fair. Of course the hot ex will then file some bullshit domestic violence charge against you to top it all off, and then try to hook up with your most hated rival in front of you.

I believe the Packers should make Favre continue to look like the idiot (except to all of the uneducated dipshits around here, who apparently weren't really Packer fans because they are going to follow #4 wherever he goes), and make him force the issue. When he demands to be put on the roster or released (which he hasn't done) they should cut their 5th string left guard and put him on the roster. Then they should try to work out a trade where it fits GB the best, and where he isn't going to show up in a game against GB. If they can't trade him, make him show up to training camp or be fined. Make him hold a fucking clipboard all season if you have to. Or better yet, make him inactive every week so there isn't a sideshow for the fans. And fucking pay him his salary every year. He has no leverage here whatsoever, just like any other player. I realize that roster spots are very valuable, but send him a message that he either sits and collects his money, or he plays where the Packers tell him to play. He signed the contract, he has to honor it. What he is doing is terrible and wrong, and is tearing Packer Nation apart at the seams. He doesn't give a shit about them, and he never did.

He is ruining my life and some of the greatest sports memories I have ever had. It is like turning 20 and finding out that your dad was cheating on your mom with a dude for your whole life. It will be a really long time before I get over this. If he goes to a rival, it will be years before I can remember him fondly.

UPDATE #3: It appears that most of my rant was jumping the gun, and the Pack agree with me. It really, really, pisses me off that he was all set to come back in March, then changed his mind, and changed it back. I really hope this shuts all of the Ted Thompson haters the fuck up. All of you can put on your Baltimore Ravens or Tampa Bay Buccaneer Favre jerseys, and give me your fucking Packer season tickets so I can enjoy the greatest franchise on planet earth.