Interesting question: If the Brewers play the Rockies on a Saturday night in front of a sellout crowd, but arcane and preposterous MLB blackout rules prevent anyone from seeing it that wasn't there, did it really happen? (takes a hit off of a spliff) That shit is DEEP. Really though, it is 2002. We should be able to watch whatever game we fucking want and not be force-fed some Cubs-RedSox bullshit. In case anyone didn't see any of that last night, the teams wore what I assume were 1918 throwbacks. The Red Sox wore pure white unis and hats, with no logos of any type. It was awkward. The Cubs had grey unis with blue pinstripes. The hats were logo-less. The jerseys had the wierd logo that looked like a rectangle with UBS written in it. Upon further review it was a rectangular C wrapped around the other letter. It was dumb. Also upon further review, these are two of the three douchiest fan bases in baseball (Yankees being the third.)
Anyway, the Crew did in fact play, and defeat the Rocks thanks to what appeared by all accounts to be a sweet pitching performance from Shaun Marcum. I'm aware of this thanks to my Blackberry and MLB Network. I'm far too lazy to listen to the game on the radio while at home due to lack of a decent radio setup/and comfortable/sensible place to listen. Today, the Crew goes for a sweep. Which would be pretty impressive considering the Rocks are putting Ubaldo on the mound. However, Ubaldo is doing his best Zack Greinke impression this season (i.e. ERA hovering around 6), so all is not lost. I will definitely be watching/napping despite the fact that it is 70 and sunny right now on my patio. It is supposed to rain again today though, and clearly De Pere, WI is actually Seattle, WA.
GOLF
Speaking of Seattle, I tried to golf yesterday. We made it all the way to the 4th hole before it started to rain, and ended up having to take a rain check for the back nine because it was pouring. Kept up my stellar 55 average on 9-holes. I would guess I will probably have my tour card by August.
NBA
Nice game last night. That is about all I got on it. I will watch Bulls-Heat when and if it is convenient tonight.
RAPTURE
I'm pretty excited to hear what excuse the rapture asshole guy has for why he "miscalculated", and how he is going to explain away the numerous sex-related felonies he committed yesterday in the name of (SportsBottle's) god.
TWITTER
If you aren't on twitter, and aren't following me, you are missing me spitting hot fire. Sign up and follow me at@ juicelaw_WI. I would describe it as random one-liners that I may have put into a blog post if I blogged more often. If you are interested in Bear live-tweeting his experiences inside of a bar in River Falls, WI, which generally includes completely random people that I don't know tweeting back to him from the next stool, you should follow him at @bearflash. If you want to read UCSB616 get into verbal jousting over the lockout with respected journalists, active players and b-list celebrities, follow him at @UCSB616. If you want to continue to read nothing from Twinkie, you should follow him at....well fuck, I don't even know his Twitter handle because he doesn't use it.
I've got to admit that I enjoy Twitter far more than I ever expected. I like it better than Facebook because I don't have to censor myself. Because censorship is bullshit.
Showing posts with label fibs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fibs. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Saturday, April 2, 2011
FAKE LIVE BLOG IV!- Final Four/Brewers-Reds Edition
So here I am. Home alone. Wife is off doing it with her friends or whatever (I assume this is what women do when their husbands aren't along). The Final Four is on. The first Brewer game not on while normal people work is on. What better time than now to give you a fake live blog/fake Simmon's style running diary. I am going to do this until I get tired of it, which may be a half hour, and may be five hours. Who knows? This first section is brought to you by Pasquale's International Cafe in De Pere, WI and their Windy City sandwich. It is a full half pound of Italian beef, onions, peppers and mozzarella cheese on a fresh hoagie roll. I had my Windy City cherry popped tonight, and I now know why the guy on the phone acted like I was retarded when I asked if it came with fries. So fucking good. If I fall asleep in like a half hour that is why. Also, this section is sponsored by New Glarus Brewing Co. Snowshoe Ale, which is what I'm drinking right now. Tasty as shit.
5:33-We pick it up after the 12 minute timeout in the first half of VCU-Butler, tied at 15 with 10:15 left. Hey, a Honda Crosstour isn't a bologna sandwich according to the commercial. Thanks for that.
5:36- Raised courts are awkward. It looks like the players are all giants.
5:38- Words along the side of the court. "And then there were four. Three. Two. One." Can I just say: What the fuck? Should I be surprised by this or something? Do the teams usually fuck each other and multiply? Look Houston. I know that you build rocket ships there or some shit, but get over yourselves. And do they even fly rockets anymore? Wake me when they land a manned spacecraft on Mars or something.
5:40- It kills Alicia Keyes that someone might not hear "Empire State of Mind" as if it was sung live. And only Beats Audio can give it to you. Or maybe she just wants to sell some computers. Whatever.
5:42- I'm predicting that if 75,000 show up for this round, 50,000 will be corporate assholes, 23,999 will be Kentucky assholes, 1 will be Ashley Judd. 1,000 will be Butler/VCU/UCONN fans.
5:44- Tied at 20 with 6:12 left. Am I the only one who thinks "skeet" when I hear Jamie Skeen?
5:46- Seriously, Butler was 14-9 at one point. How the fuck are they here?
5:47- Just saw the Butler student section. If I went to Butler, I would be the blackest person there.
5:48- 24-22 VCU. I love how media types lie about how they "saw it coming" that Butler would be a Final Four team after they beat UWM. Bull. Shit. Every media person goes 100% chalk on their brackets unless Duke is a 2 seed.
5:50- Shelvin Mack is "sharp as a steak knife" and just "sprayed VCU from deep". 25-24 Butler, 3:52 left in half.
5:53- Has anyone ever only eaten ONE peanut butter cup? I think not.
5:54- Butler inbounds. One second comes off the clock. Timeout. Back to commercial. Hate that.
5:55- Wake me when they invent a 3D TV I don't need to wear glasses to watch.
6:00- Guy in VCU crowd wearing Oakleys. Is it 1994?
6:01- I have an odd self-image. I still feel like these college players, some of whom are 12 years younger than me, are older than I am. What age do I stop feeling that?
6:02- Barbara Bush does not know where she is. To be fair, she looked the same way in 1992.
6:03- Fuck. I just rubbed my eyes and must've had some hot pepper juice on them. I can only see out of one eye.
6:04- Butler is winning the "glass eating game". Howard with an absurd two handed reverse lay-in. Butler 34-28. VCU fires a pass into the 19th row with 2.4 seconds left.
6:08- Halftime of the basketball game. Switch over to Brewer pregame. Of course, it is a fucking WMLW game, which means no HD. On the bright side, I just saw commercials for: Perry Mason, MASH, and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I made none of those up.
6:09- This portion brought to you by Louie's Demise Ale by Milwaukee Brewing Company. Not as good as I remember. Definitely not as good as the Snowshoe Ale I just had. 6:11- I missed Brian Anderson. I did not miss Bill Schroeder.
6:12- (Sports Bottle's) God is this picture terrible. It looks like they are playing in a fucking snowstorm.
6:14- Nice three up three down for the Crew. Let me use this opportunity, if you have read this far, to invite you to follow us on Twitter. Myself: @Juicelaw_WI, Bear: @bearflash, Jon: @UCSB616. Twinkie has one too, but he only got one to follow me. I pretty much only tweet when I'm drinking or really, really bored. What a salesman!
6:15- Ueck in a Usinger sausage commercial. Classic. Speaking German, with heavy use of YAH! Good times.
6:17- Shaun Marcum just walked his first batter in a Brewer uniform. Welcome to Milwaukee!!
6:18- Marcum is on a "soft 80" pitch count. Sounds great.
6:19- Someone should tell Marcum that someone wiped their ass on his hat. Dude, it is game two. How does your hat get that dirty otherwise?
6:20- Drew Stubbs steals second, Wil Nieves who is a "great defensive catcher", bounces one 8 feet short on the throw. Then throws him out trying to steal third as I write. Never mind. Stealing third is dumb unless you are Rickey Henderson.
6:21- Marcum just destroyed Brandon Phillips with a slider. That was pretty.
6:22- Scott Rolen is 600 years old.
6:23- I would like Prince Fielder's beard/afro combination if he wasn't going to leave after the season.
6:24- Rolen just CRUSHED a 2 run homer. 2-0 Reds. Marcum's ERA is on pace to be like 27.00.
6:25- 4 pitch walk.
6:26- Back to hoops. It looks like Steve Kerr is sitting on Clark Kellogg's lap. Can we get a bigger table for these three? Jesus.
6:30- Do people still watch Survivor? Why? 34-31 Butler, 18:24 left. It appears from the PIP that Marcum finally got out of the inning.
6:31- Butler in 2nd half: 3 possessions, 3 turnovers. I've got the Brewer game on picture in picture small screen, Final Four on big screen.
6:32- VCU goes up 35-34 with 17:09 left. VCU started the first half on fire too, and Butler put them out.
6:34- By the way, "Fast Five". I purposely didn't swap to the Crew so I could watch the preview again. Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, The Rock, among others.
6:36- 33 year old Erick Almonte is making his first major league start for the Brewers since 2003, and his first EVER in the OF. Wow. Is he related to Danny Almonte? Did Danny shoot himself yet?
6:37- Back to hoops. Butler back up 36-35, 16:08 left.
6:38- Another hoop commercial. And now the Crew is also at commercial. And I had a really funny joke about Blake Griffing being Black/White/Native American/Ginger and it somehow got erased. Fuck.
6:42- Brewer game brought to you by Usinger's and Stienhafel's. No Germans in Wisconsin at all.
6:43- SKEET for three! 38-36 VCU, 14:44 left.
6:44- Skeet! And one! 41-39 VCU, 13:41 left.
6:46- 3-0 Reds Bottom of 2nd. Championship!
6:47- Brewers on big screen. Maybe Brandon Phillips just doesn't match up well with Marcum? 2nd K in 2 at bats.
6:48- Jesus Christ. Semi-difficult grounder to Weeks. Bounces one to Fielder, who should have caught it (hit him right in glove), and doesn't. 4-0 Reds. Fuck.
6:53- Butler back up 4. Skeet at the line.
6:54- I just tried to send a text to a buddy of mine named "Dan" and accidentally sent it to "Dad". Awkward. Fairly certain he doesn't know what a blog is so he's probably pretty confused.
6:55- Butler up 52-45 with 9:39 to go. Starting to get away from VCU again.
6:56- Meanwhile, Travis Wood just had a 7 pitch inning. SEVEN fucking pitches? Way to make him work Crew.
6:57- Speaking of seven. It is VCU's biggest deficit of the tournament. That is crazy. Matt Howard just picked up his 4th foul with 9:15 left.
7:02- It is strange to look into the Brewer dugout and not see Ken Macha's blank stare.
7:05- The National Championship tips at 8:23 CST. If you grow up on the East coast in the 00's or 10's, you will never get to see "One Shining Moment", and you will be missing out. That was a shout out to all of our 12 year old readers. Speaking of 12 year olds, I nearly got kicked out of my fantasy baseball league with the old guys because someone let a 12 year old join and I had an expletive laden message board post. I was promptly yelled at by everyone else. My response was of course: Fuck You. Then I got a personal email from my neighbor who yelled at me even more. I declared I am never posting again in the league. It is too fun to quit, plus I've got 20 bucks on it.
7:11- Skeet! For three! And one! 61-57 Butler, 2:32 left.
7:14- Braun hasn't given up. Beat out an infield single for the Crew's first hit. I bet he'd be even faster if he cut that gawd awful hair of his.
7:17- Butler at the line up 63-57 with 47.3 left. Probably all she wrote. Two FT's for Butler, and a VCU turnover. Ballgame. Butler in TWO STRAIGHT NCAA Championship games. Somewhere, Satan is having a good time with Brad Stevens' soul.
7:19- I'm starting to get a little sore already. Time for a short break.
7:25- Hey Oh! Erick Almonte hits an upper decker. 4-1 Reds, Top of 5.
7:26- This section is brought to you by New Glarus Back 40 Bock.
7:27- I was just informed that it has been EIGHT years to the day since Almonte's last homer. Which was also his FIRST homer.
7:32- Yikes. Steve Harvey hosts Family Fued now?
7:33- Seems like as good a time as any to tell you that I'm headed to Milwaukee next Sunday with my brother to watch FIBs get hammered on two martinis and then fight each other. Or as it is also known, our 3rd annual Brewers-Cubs trip. Aviators, popped collars underneath T-shirts, and BMWs owned by someone else will be plentiful because FIBs will be. I love/hate going to Brewer-Cubs games because Cub "fans" show up in droves because they can't tailgate or drink anything but Old Style at Wrigley, or as the t-shirt that I bought a few years back says " The World's Largest Gay Bar". In other news, I hate FIBs.
7:38- Jonny Gomes takes a chest high fastball for ball four. Schroeder "Don't know where that one missed." Classic. He will say that at least 700 more times this year. That'll be it for Marcum. 4 2/3, 4R, 3ER, career high 5 BB. Awesome.
7:40- Judge Hatchett, weekdays at 8am on WMLW. They need to stop making these shows.
7:43- This just in. At 8, my PIP will be over, unless I want to switch to "Eat, Pray, Love", which is being recorded on my DVR. I will think about it.
7:44- Back on CBS, Jimmer Fradette is accepting the player of the year award, his hair actually came to accept it in Jimmer's place.
7:45- The picture on this standard def channel is so bad that Rickie Weeks is at the plate, and between the Navy road alternate unis and the black advertisement behind the plate, I literally can not see his head as he bats.
7:47- And Carlos Gomez strikes out. I just lost a bet.
7:48- I think Russell Brand is funny. The previews for his movies always look good even though I'm pretty sure I've never actually seen one that he starred in. "Arthur" looks funny, and I'm aware it is a re-make. Perhaps I'm too young to be offended by this, because I don't believe I've ever seen the original, or if I did, it didn't resonate to me. I'm told I should be offended.
7:50- Interview with Shaka Smart. His team lost, but he doesn't have to give up his awesome name. 7:52- Sergio Mitre has a "slurvy slider". Wouldn't that make it a slider? Or at least a slurvder?
7:58- One. Two. Three for Mitre. Let me switch over to basketball to see if Four is next.
7:59- Which coach will commit the most NCAA violations during the game tonight? Calhoun or Calipari? I will take Calhoun and the points.
8:01- Prince Fielder is really good at the plate. A one-handed single up the middle on a slider down and away.
8:02- Calipari just committed an NCAA violation on Tracy Wolfson. How does someone with Wolfson's accent get her job? I mean, I know how she probably got her job, but still, she talks like fucking Snookie.
8:04- Aroldis Chapman up in the pen. I'm excited to see if he can hit 125 mph tonight.
8:05- Jay Bruce just made a ridiculous play to rob a foul ball from McGehee. Corey Hart/replacement RF-X makes that play 0 out of 100 times.
8:06- Over/Under on Ashley Judd sightings is set at 1.5. I will take the over. Cameras are panning, but haven't found her yet to my knowledge. She needs to fire her PR person. Speaking of actresses, I need to get this off my chest too. Fucking Natalie Portman has been in like 30 movies in the last year. Does she fucking sleep? What the fuck? Off the top of my head she was in: Black Swan, that bullshit romantic comedy where she fucked Ashton Kutcher, this bullshit medieval movie with Kenny Powers in it, and Thor, in the last like six months. Thor and the Kenny Powers movie open like a week apart in the next month. I'm sure there is a logical explanation, like there are two of her, or she has the power to teleport, or she is an alien or something, but it is getting scary. I half expect her to show up in the dugout of this Brewer game.
8:12- 2nd semifinal has tipped. Calhoun just slipped the ref a bennie.
8:13- I feel like Kentucky is a little more complete than UCONN. I base this on having seen each of them play about 2.5 times this season, and broad speculation.
8:17- Kemba Walker is good. 8-5 UCONN, 15:49 left.
8:18- Why are they going to commercial on Lady GaGa "Born This Way"? It makes no sense. 8:19- Fast Five!!
8:20- Still 4-1 Reds, Top of 8th. Craig Counsell is up with one on. So it is about to be 4-3. Nope.
8:23- The remainder of this, however much there may be, will be sponsored by Miller Lite and his brother Miller Lite.
8:24- Gigantic white Centers are a precious commodity. Especially ones that have a bit of game. 10-9 UK, 12:19 left.
8:25- Guy on the Miller Lite "Man up" commercial that "Worries about his hair" has the same hair as Ryan Braun. Also, Pauly D has similar hair.
8:26- Miller Lite is my only friend. 8:27- Magic Johnson is comfortable in his own skin. And he cured AIDS.
8:28- UCONN has 6 Turnovers and 5 FG attempts. That seems inefficient.
8:29- Kentucky is now 1-7 from 3. It seems like 1-100. An they were all bricks. Still up 12-11.
8:32- Top of the 9th in Cincy. Cordero on. As not great as Frankie is, I have a feeling we are going to be watching Matlock on WMLW soon.
8:33- Ooooh. Leadoff single for CarGo. Brian Anderson claims the "Boo Birds are out". I hear no such thing.
8:35- Cordero bounced a couple of splitters, and Anderson might be right. I think they want Chapman and his 132 mph fastball.
8:36- Holy shit, Phillips with an insane diving stab of a Braun liner, backhand flip. But Braun beats it out at first. One out.
8:37- Meanwhile, Kentucky apparently started running Bo Ryan's swing offense, because they haven't scored in over 4 minutes. 17-12 UCONN, 8:12 left in first half. The first game was played at a MUCH higher level.
8:38- Prince grounds softly to second, two outs.
8:39- McGehee with an RBI single. 4-2 Reds. Erick Almonte and his 2 career HRs in 8 fucking years is the "tying run". Of course 1 of those homers was tonight but still.
8:41- Jesus. Strike three (or ball 2 as the umpire called it) was right down the middle. And he swings and misses at the next pitch, 4-2 Reds final. Brewers are on pace to go 0-162. I think I'm done. Sleep tight kids.
8:56- Goddammit. I hit post, and the fucking thing eliminated all the spaces, so I just wasted 10 minutes putting them back in. You're welcome.
5:33-We pick it up after the 12 minute timeout in the first half of VCU-Butler, tied at 15 with 10:15 left. Hey, a Honda Crosstour isn't a bologna sandwich according to the commercial. Thanks for that.
5:36- Raised courts are awkward. It looks like the players are all giants.
5:38- Words along the side of the court. "And then there were four. Three. Two. One." Can I just say: What the fuck? Should I be surprised by this or something? Do the teams usually fuck each other and multiply? Look Houston. I know that you build rocket ships there or some shit, but get over yourselves. And do they even fly rockets anymore? Wake me when they land a manned spacecraft on Mars or something.
5:40- It kills Alicia Keyes that someone might not hear "Empire State of Mind" as if it was sung live. And only Beats Audio can give it to you. Or maybe she just wants to sell some computers. Whatever.
5:42- I'm predicting that if 75,000 show up for this round, 50,000 will be corporate assholes, 23,999 will be Kentucky assholes, 1 will be Ashley Judd. 1,000 will be Butler/VCU/UCONN fans.
5:44- Tied at 20 with 6:12 left. Am I the only one who thinks "skeet" when I hear Jamie Skeen?
5:46- Seriously, Butler was 14-9 at one point. How the fuck are they here?
5:47- Just saw the Butler student section. If I went to Butler, I would be the blackest person there.
5:48- 24-22 VCU. I love how media types lie about how they "saw it coming" that Butler would be a Final Four team after they beat UWM. Bull. Shit. Every media person goes 100% chalk on their brackets unless Duke is a 2 seed.
5:50- Shelvin Mack is "sharp as a steak knife" and just "sprayed VCU from deep". 25-24 Butler, 3:52 left in half.
5:53- Has anyone ever only eaten ONE peanut butter cup? I think not.
5:54- Butler inbounds. One second comes off the clock. Timeout. Back to commercial. Hate that.
5:55- Wake me when they invent a 3D TV I don't need to wear glasses to watch.
6:00- Guy in VCU crowd wearing Oakleys. Is it 1994?
6:01- I have an odd self-image. I still feel like these college players, some of whom are 12 years younger than me, are older than I am. What age do I stop feeling that?
6:02- Barbara Bush does not know where she is. To be fair, she looked the same way in 1992.
6:03- Fuck. I just rubbed my eyes and must've had some hot pepper juice on them. I can only see out of one eye.
6:04- Butler is winning the "glass eating game". Howard with an absurd two handed reverse lay-in. Butler 34-28. VCU fires a pass into the 19th row with 2.4 seconds left.
6:08- Halftime of the basketball game. Switch over to Brewer pregame. Of course, it is a fucking WMLW game, which means no HD. On the bright side, I just saw commercials for: Perry Mason, MASH, and Planes, Trains and Automobiles. I made none of those up.
6:09- This portion brought to you by Louie's Demise Ale by Milwaukee Brewing Company. Not as good as I remember. Definitely not as good as the Snowshoe Ale I just had. 6:11- I missed Brian Anderson. I did not miss Bill Schroeder.
6:12- (Sports Bottle's) God is this picture terrible. It looks like they are playing in a fucking snowstorm.
6:14- Nice three up three down for the Crew. Let me use this opportunity, if you have read this far, to invite you to follow us on Twitter. Myself: @Juicelaw_WI, Bear: @bearflash, Jon: @UCSB616. Twinkie has one too, but he only got one to follow me. I pretty much only tweet when I'm drinking or really, really bored. What a salesman!
6:15- Ueck in a Usinger sausage commercial. Classic. Speaking German, with heavy use of YAH! Good times.
6:17- Shaun Marcum just walked his first batter in a Brewer uniform. Welcome to Milwaukee!!
6:18- Marcum is on a "soft 80" pitch count. Sounds great.
6:19- Someone should tell Marcum that someone wiped their ass on his hat. Dude, it is game two. How does your hat get that dirty otherwise?
6:20- Drew Stubbs steals second, Wil Nieves who is a "great defensive catcher", bounces one 8 feet short on the throw. Then throws him out trying to steal third as I write. Never mind. Stealing third is dumb unless you are Rickey Henderson.
6:21- Marcum just destroyed Brandon Phillips with a slider. That was pretty.
6:22- Scott Rolen is 600 years old.
6:23- I would like Prince Fielder's beard/afro combination if he wasn't going to leave after the season.
6:24- Rolen just CRUSHED a 2 run homer. 2-0 Reds. Marcum's ERA is on pace to be like 27.00.
6:25- 4 pitch walk.
6:26- Back to hoops. It looks like Steve Kerr is sitting on Clark Kellogg's lap. Can we get a bigger table for these three? Jesus.
6:30- Do people still watch Survivor? Why? 34-31 Butler, 18:24 left. It appears from the PIP that Marcum finally got out of the inning.
6:31- Butler in 2nd half: 3 possessions, 3 turnovers. I've got the Brewer game on picture in picture small screen, Final Four on big screen.
6:32- VCU goes up 35-34 with 17:09 left. VCU started the first half on fire too, and Butler put them out.
6:34- By the way, "Fast Five". I purposely didn't swap to the Crew so I could watch the preview again. Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, The Rock, among others.
6:36- 33 year old Erick Almonte is making his first major league start for the Brewers since 2003, and his first EVER in the OF. Wow. Is he related to Danny Almonte? Did Danny shoot himself yet?
6:37- Back to hoops. Butler back up 36-35, 16:08 left.
6:38- Another hoop commercial. And now the Crew is also at commercial. And I had a really funny joke about Blake Griffing being Black/White/Native American/Ginger and it somehow got erased. Fuck.
6:42- Brewer game brought to you by Usinger's and Stienhafel's. No Germans in Wisconsin at all.
6:43- SKEET for three! 38-36 VCU, 14:44 left.
6:44- Skeet! And one! 41-39 VCU, 13:41 left.
6:46- 3-0 Reds Bottom of 2nd. Championship!
6:47- Brewers on big screen. Maybe Brandon Phillips just doesn't match up well with Marcum? 2nd K in 2 at bats.
6:48- Jesus Christ. Semi-difficult grounder to Weeks. Bounces one to Fielder, who should have caught it (hit him right in glove), and doesn't. 4-0 Reds. Fuck.
6:53- Butler back up 4. Skeet at the line.
6:54- I just tried to send a text to a buddy of mine named "Dan" and accidentally sent it to "Dad". Awkward. Fairly certain he doesn't know what a blog is so he's probably pretty confused.
6:55- Butler up 52-45 with 9:39 to go. Starting to get away from VCU again.
6:56- Meanwhile, Travis Wood just had a 7 pitch inning. SEVEN fucking pitches? Way to make him work Crew.
6:57- Speaking of seven. It is VCU's biggest deficit of the tournament. That is crazy. Matt Howard just picked up his 4th foul with 9:15 left.
7:02- It is strange to look into the Brewer dugout and not see Ken Macha's blank stare.
7:05- The National Championship tips at 8:23 CST. If you grow up on the East coast in the 00's or 10's, you will never get to see "One Shining Moment", and you will be missing out. That was a shout out to all of our 12 year old readers. Speaking of 12 year olds, I nearly got kicked out of my fantasy baseball league with the old guys because someone let a 12 year old join and I had an expletive laden message board post. I was promptly yelled at by everyone else. My response was of course: Fuck You. Then I got a personal email from my neighbor who yelled at me even more. I declared I am never posting again in the league. It is too fun to quit, plus I've got 20 bucks on it.
7:11- Skeet! For three! And one! 61-57 Butler, 2:32 left.
7:14- Braun hasn't given up. Beat out an infield single for the Crew's first hit. I bet he'd be even faster if he cut that gawd awful hair of his.
7:17- Butler at the line up 63-57 with 47.3 left. Probably all she wrote. Two FT's for Butler, and a VCU turnover. Ballgame. Butler in TWO STRAIGHT NCAA Championship games. Somewhere, Satan is having a good time with Brad Stevens' soul.
7:19- I'm starting to get a little sore already. Time for a short break.
7:25- Hey Oh! Erick Almonte hits an upper decker. 4-1 Reds, Top of 5.
7:26- This section is brought to you by New Glarus Back 40 Bock.
7:27- I was just informed that it has been EIGHT years to the day since Almonte's last homer. Which was also his FIRST homer.
7:32- Yikes. Steve Harvey hosts Family Fued now?
7:33- Seems like as good a time as any to tell you that I'm headed to Milwaukee next Sunday with my brother to watch FIBs get hammered on two martinis and then fight each other. Or as it is also known, our 3rd annual Brewers-Cubs trip. Aviators, popped collars underneath T-shirts, and BMWs owned by someone else will be plentiful because FIBs will be. I love/hate going to Brewer-Cubs games because Cub "fans" show up in droves because they can't tailgate or drink anything but Old Style at Wrigley, or as the t-shirt that I bought a few years back says " The World's Largest Gay Bar". In other news, I hate FIBs.
7:38- Jonny Gomes takes a chest high fastball for ball four. Schroeder "Don't know where that one missed." Classic. He will say that at least 700 more times this year. That'll be it for Marcum. 4 2/3, 4R, 3ER, career high 5 BB. Awesome.
7:40- Judge Hatchett, weekdays at 8am on WMLW. They need to stop making these shows.
7:43- This just in. At 8, my PIP will be over, unless I want to switch to "Eat, Pray, Love", which is being recorded on my DVR. I will think about it.
7:44- Back on CBS, Jimmer Fradette is accepting the player of the year award, his hair actually came to accept it in Jimmer's place.
7:45- The picture on this standard def channel is so bad that Rickie Weeks is at the plate, and between the Navy road alternate unis and the black advertisement behind the plate, I literally can not see his head as he bats.
7:47- And Carlos Gomez strikes out. I just lost a bet.
7:48- I think Russell Brand is funny. The previews for his movies always look good even though I'm pretty sure I've never actually seen one that he starred in. "Arthur" looks funny, and I'm aware it is a re-make. Perhaps I'm too young to be offended by this, because I don't believe I've ever seen the original, or if I did, it didn't resonate to me. I'm told I should be offended.
7:50- Interview with Shaka Smart. His team lost, but he doesn't have to give up his awesome name. 7:52- Sergio Mitre has a "slurvy slider". Wouldn't that make it a slider? Or at least a slurvder?
7:58- One. Two. Three for Mitre. Let me switch over to basketball to see if Four is next.
7:59- Which coach will commit the most NCAA violations during the game tonight? Calhoun or Calipari? I will take Calhoun and the points.
8:01- Prince Fielder is really good at the plate. A one-handed single up the middle on a slider down and away.
8:02- Calipari just committed an NCAA violation on Tracy Wolfson. How does someone with Wolfson's accent get her job? I mean, I know how she probably got her job, but still, she talks like fucking Snookie.
8:04- Aroldis Chapman up in the pen. I'm excited to see if he can hit 125 mph tonight.
8:05- Jay Bruce just made a ridiculous play to rob a foul ball from McGehee. Corey Hart/replacement RF-X makes that play 0 out of 100 times.
8:06- Over/Under on Ashley Judd sightings is set at 1.5. I will take the over. Cameras are panning, but haven't found her yet to my knowledge. She needs to fire her PR person. Speaking of actresses, I need to get this off my chest too. Fucking Natalie Portman has been in like 30 movies in the last year. Does she fucking sleep? What the fuck? Off the top of my head she was in: Black Swan, that bullshit romantic comedy where she fucked Ashton Kutcher, this bullshit medieval movie with Kenny Powers in it, and Thor, in the last like six months. Thor and the Kenny Powers movie open like a week apart in the next month. I'm sure there is a logical explanation, like there are two of her, or she has the power to teleport, or she is an alien or something, but it is getting scary. I half expect her to show up in the dugout of this Brewer game.
8:12- 2nd semifinal has tipped. Calhoun just slipped the ref a bennie.
8:13- I feel like Kentucky is a little more complete than UCONN. I base this on having seen each of them play about 2.5 times this season, and broad speculation.
8:17- Kemba Walker is good. 8-5 UCONN, 15:49 left.
8:18- Why are they going to commercial on Lady GaGa "Born This Way"? It makes no sense. 8:19- Fast Five!!
8:20- Still 4-1 Reds, Top of 8th. Craig Counsell is up with one on. So it is about to be 4-3. Nope.
8:23- The remainder of this, however much there may be, will be sponsored by Miller Lite and his brother Miller Lite.
8:24- Gigantic white Centers are a precious commodity. Especially ones that have a bit of game. 10-9 UK, 12:19 left.
8:25- Guy on the Miller Lite "Man up" commercial that "Worries about his hair" has the same hair as Ryan Braun. Also, Pauly D has similar hair.
8:26- Miller Lite is my only friend. 8:27- Magic Johnson is comfortable in his own skin. And he cured AIDS.
8:28- UCONN has 6 Turnovers and 5 FG attempts. That seems inefficient.
8:29- Kentucky is now 1-7 from 3. It seems like 1-100. An they were all bricks. Still up 12-11.
8:32- Top of the 9th in Cincy. Cordero on. As not great as Frankie is, I have a feeling we are going to be watching Matlock on WMLW soon.
8:33- Ooooh. Leadoff single for CarGo. Brian Anderson claims the "Boo Birds are out". I hear no such thing.
8:35- Cordero bounced a couple of splitters, and Anderson might be right. I think they want Chapman and his 132 mph fastball.
8:36- Holy shit, Phillips with an insane diving stab of a Braun liner, backhand flip. But Braun beats it out at first. One out.
8:37- Meanwhile, Kentucky apparently started running Bo Ryan's swing offense, because they haven't scored in over 4 minutes. 17-12 UCONN, 8:12 left in first half. The first game was played at a MUCH higher level.
8:38- Prince grounds softly to second, two outs.
8:39- McGehee with an RBI single. 4-2 Reds. Erick Almonte and his 2 career HRs in 8 fucking years is the "tying run". Of course 1 of those homers was tonight but still.
8:41- Jesus. Strike three (or ball 2 as the umpire called it) was right down the middle. And he swings and misses at the next pitch, 4-2 Reds final. Brewers are on pace to go 0-162. I think I'm done. Sleep tight kids.
8:56- Goddammit. I hit post, and the fucking thing eliminated all the spaces, so I just wasted 10 minutes putting them back in. You're welcome.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Packers-Bears From My Perspective
Sports Guy had a chat yesterday on ESPN.com and there were many questions surrounding the Packers-Bears rivalry. For the first time in I don't know how long, I had to quit reading something Bill Simmons wrote. He basically dismissed the Packer-Bear rivalry, saying it wasn't a rivalry because they haven't been good at the same time on a lot of occasions.
He, and anyone that doesn't live in Wisconsin or Illinois just doesn't understand how much this game means. Teams being good doesn't make something a "rivalry". Having games on ESPN six times a year doesn't make something a rivalry. History, familiarity, locale and hatred make a rivalry.
Would a non-rivalry game produce what is reported to be the "toughest ticket in Chicago sports history"? Would a non-rivalry produce some of the classic You Tube videos I've just shown? Would a non-rivalry make me physically ill about an upcoming game? Can a matchup that pits two franchises against each other more than any other two teams in NFL history, and two teams with the most championships and hall of famers not be called a rivalry? The answer to all of these is NO.
The four games on the schedule every year that matter most to Packer fans are the two where we play the Vikings and the Bears. Admittedly the Viking rivalry was taken to a new level in the past 20 years, but that doesn't mean the Bears rivalry went away. And I would argue that today, the roles have been reversed pretty significantly. Someone that hasn't had an entire life of dealing with FIBS and living in NFL North country cannot understand. Just like I don't consider any other rivalry above Packers-Bears, even though there may be bigger ones. So I would kindly ask Bill Simmons to concentrate on what he knows: Boston sports, the NBA and pop culture references, and keep the Packers and Bears out of his mouth. Because he just doesn't understand.
He, and anyone that doesn't live in Wisconsin or Illinois just doesn't understand how much this game means. Teams being good doesn't make something a "rivalry". Having games on ESPN six times a year doesn't make something a rivalry. History, familiarity, locale and hatred make a rivalry.
Would a non-rivalry game produce what is reported to be the "toughest ticket in Chicago sports history"? Would a non-rivalry produce some of the classic You Tube videos I've just shown? Would a non-rivalry make me physically ill about an upcoming game? Can a matchup that pits two franchises against each other more than any other two teams in NFL history, and two teams with the most championships and hall of famers not be called a rivalry? The answer to all of these is NO.
The four games on the schedule every year that matter most to Packer fans are the two where we play the Vikings and the Bears. Admittedly the Viking rivalry was taken to a new level in the past 20 years, but that doesn't mean the Bears rivalry went away. And I would argue that today, the roles have been reversed pretty significantly. Someone that hasn't had an entire life of dealing with FIBS and living in NFL North country cannot understand. Just like I don't consider any other rivalry above Packers-Bears, even though there may be bigger ones. So I would kindly ask Bill Simmons to concentrate on what he knows: Boston sports, the NBA and pop culture references, and keep the Packers and Bears out of his mouth. Because he just doesn't understand.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
I Obviously Can't Be Trusted
So yesterday, against my better judgment, I went shopping with my wife. I don't much enjoy shopping, but there are worse things I could do. Plus, I was convinced by going out to eat afterwards. My wife (and most females I imagine) need to try clothes on before they buy them. So much of the shopping trip is spend lingering outside her dressing room waiting for her to show me what it looks like. Everything always looks good, and about 10% of the time she believes me. The act of lingering near the dressing room is always a little awkward for me because there is never a comfortable place to sit/stand, and I'm usually the only guy around. I won't go into the area if there isn't a place to sit, but if there is a place to sit, I'll do it. So last night we are at Ann Taylor. I'm saying the name of the store because I'm bitter. There was a comfy chair literally right in front of her dressing room, facing her dressing room. While I was waiting for her to show me stuff, I was also staring at my Blackberry checking out the latest draft results and NBA scores. And then it happened...One of the lovely (and by lovely I mean fat, wrinkly and old) associates at Ann Taylor came up to me and fucking asked me to leave because it "makes some of the women uncomfortable". First of all, I was obviously there with my wife. Second, there are fucking doors on the dressing rooms. Third, its not like the caught me on my tiptoes peering over the top of the door of some strange dressing room. Fourth, there was no sign or anything. Fifth, I was jacking myself off through the pocket in my pants, its not like I had it out and was shaking it at strangers.
I was fucking livid. It took every bit of good sense I had to not cause a scene by either a) telling my wife to get her shit and get out of here. b) tell the lady to fuck herself.
The bottom line is that people at Ann Taylor hate men, and my wife is no longer allowed to shop there.
NBA
The Bucks kicked the shit out of Atlanta last night. I kind of wish I would've went now. The crowd was AWESOME. I fully expect to lose in 5, but it was fun to watch. It was also fun to watch the Thunder kill the Lakers.
BREWERS
I really, really hate the Cubs. There is nothing more annoying than being down 4 in the bottom of the ninth and it sounds like you are on the road. I just hope some FIBS got a good beatdown in the parking lot afterwards or got their Lexus SUV broken into.
I was fucking livid. It took every bit of good sense I had to not cause a scene by either a) telling my wife to get her shit and get out of here. b) tell the lady to fuck herself.
The bottom line is that people at Ann Taylor hate men, and my wife is no longer allowed to shop there.
NBA
The Bucks kicked the shit out of Atlanta last night. I kind of wish I would've went now. The crowd was AWESOME. I fully expect to lose in 5, but it was fun to watch. It was also fun to watch the Thunder kill the Lakers.
BREWERS
I really, really hate the Cubs. There is nothing more annoying than being down 4 in the bottom of the ninth and it sounds like you are on the road. I just hope some FIBS got a good beatdown in the parking lot afterwards or got their Lexus SUV broken into.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Rubber Match
#14 Wisconsin v. Illinois. 1 p.m.-ish. On my work computer. I've got yet another six pack of beer on the game with the FIB I work with. Oh, and said FIB showed up with a fluorescent orange Illinois shirt on. I told him he won't have to worry about getting shot by a hunter in the woods. I'm going to enjoy the beating. Feel free to text or email while the game is going on. I plan to pretend to work between 1 and 3 p.m. and I am not DVRing.
Friday, February 26, 2010
Beatdowns, Hidden Messages and Fake Waterparks
WISCONSIN 78, INDIANA 46
Jesus. I need to start out with that embarrassment of the artist formerly known as IU in Bloomington last night. Indiana is really, really awful. I am SHOCKED that they have won any Big Ten games. They seem far worse to me than Penn St or Iowa. Not only are they not very talented, but they can't shoot, and consistently dribble off of their feet. I will give them credit for not quitting, they are at least a little scrappy, even when down by like 100.
Back in the not so distant past, a win at Indiana did not seem possible. There was a time where Bucky had lost like 40 in a row there or something. Bucky is pretty good this year, but still. That game was almost unfair. I heard on SportsCenter (who is always right) that it was the worst loss at home in NINETY SIX YEARS!!! When you do something to someone worse than it has been done to them in 96 years, you really kicked the shit out of them.
Two other things about last night: 1) The camera followed Tom Crean a little extra long after he got ejected last night, and you could see him shoulder check the locker room door into a wall. And screaming obscenities to himself in the tunnel. He was PISSED. Had it stayed about 10 more seconds, you may have seen him destroy the locker room through the crack in the door. It was pretty great. I still dislike Tom Crean. 2) I think Bo Ryan does too. I feel like he put a little extra hot sauce on this beat down. Is it a carry over from the days of shady backroom recruiting deals made by Crean to steal players from UW while he was at Marquette? Hard to say, but when you leave your starters in until 1:28 left in a 31 point game, I think it is pretty safe to say that Bo was trying to prove a point. That point? Don't fuck with a dude that literally looks like a Badger.
FAKE WATERPARKS
I'm being forced to go to a fake water park with my nieces and nephew (3 and 2 years old I think), and my in-laws. I say it is a fake waterpark because it is in Wisconsin, and it is the middle of winter. I'm envisioning one waterslide in a hotel. It is in a hotel, so I'm halfway there. I really like my in-laws as a general rule, but I dislike hanging out in disease infested hotel waterparks. Especially after working my ass off (surfing the Internets) all week. At least I can stuff my face with snack food and get drunk. Anyone know any good bars in Waupaca? Maybe I will get blacked out and drown some stranger's kid. That would be a tragedy.
BREWERS-CUBS
I got in on a "second chance" to buy Brewers-Cubs tickets yesterday. I got an email at like 8 a.m. that I could log on at 10. I didn't exclude anyone, but I was only allowed to buy 4 tickets, and I couldn't get more than two together. My brother and I are going in September, when the Brewers will be 10 games out of a playoff spot (assuming Soup makes the rotation because of his contract over about six other pitchers that are clearly better than him). I'm calling it the second annual Brother Trip to Miller Park Where One Brother Purchases Nosebleed Tickets In a Section With 98% FIBS and Sips Beer While Watching the Other Brother Try Not To Get Into a Fight for Three Plus Hours. Last year there were approximately 35 ejections in our section. We also saw a chick fight on the way out, and the lights went out at Miller Park.
It is a 6:10 first pitch, which gives FIBS plenty of time to get up at their usual 2 p.m., put in hair gel, pop their collars over the top of their $80 Cubs T-shirts, put on their $400 Yves St Laurent aviators, hop into the BMW SUV's that their parents bought them for high school graduation,
get to the stadium by 5, have two cosmos, and be belligerent fighting guy by 6.
Jesus. I need to start out with that embarrassment of the artist formerly known as IU in Bloomington last night. Indiana is really, really awful. I am SHOCKED that they have won any Big Ten games. They seem far worse to me than Penn St or Iowa. Not only are they not very talented, but they can't shoot, and consistently dribble off of their feet. I will give them credit for not quitting, they are at least a little scrappy, even when down by like 100.
Back in the not so distant past, a win at Indiana did not seem possible. There was a time where Bucky had lost like 40 in a row there or something. Bucky is pretty good this year, but still. That game was almost unfair. I heard on SportsCenter (who is always right) that it was the worst loss at home in NINETY SIX YEARS!!! When you do something to someone worse than it has been done to them in 96 years, you really kicked the shit out of them.
Two other things about last night: 1) The camera followed Tom Crean a little extra long after he got ejected last night, and you could see him shoulder check the locker room door into a wall. And screaming obscenities to himself in the tunnel. He was PISSED. Had it stayed about 10 more seconds, you may have seen him destroy the locker room through the crack in the door. It was pretty great. I still dislike Tom Crean. 2) I think Bo Ryan does too. I feel like he put a little extra hot sauce on this beat down. Is it a carry over from the days of shady backroom recruiting deals made by Crean to steal players from UW while he was at Marquette? Hard to say, but when you leave your starters in until 1:28 left in a 31 point game, I think it is pretty safe to say that Bo was trying to prove a point. That point? Don't fuck with a dude that literally looks like a Badger.
FAKE WATERPARKS
I'm being forced to go to a fake water park with my nieces and nephew (3 and 2 years old I think), and my in-laws. I say it is a fake waterpark because it is in Wisconsin, and it is the middle of winter. I'm envisioning one waterslide in a hotel. It is in a hotel, so I'm halfway there. I really like my in-laws as a general rule, but I dislike hanging out in disease infested hotel waterparks. Especially after working my ass off (surfing the Internets) all week. At least I can stuff my face with snack food and get drunk. Anyone know any good bars in Waupaca? Maybe I will get blacked out and drown some stranger's kid. That would be a tragedy.
BREWERS-CUBS
I got in on a "second chance" to buy Brewers-Cubs tickets yesterday. I got an email at like 8 a.m. that I could log on at 10. I didn't exclude anyone, but I was only allowed to buy 4 tickets, and I couldn't get more than two together. My brother and I are going in September, when the Brewers will be 10 games out of a playoff spot (assuming Soup makes the rotation because of his contract over about six other pitchers that are clearly better than him). I'm calling it the second annual Brother Trip to Miller Park Where One Brother Purchases Nosebleed Tickets In a Section With 98% FIBS and Sips Beer While Watching the Other Brother Try Not To Get Into a Fight for Three Plus Hours. Last year there were approximately 35 ejections in our section. We also saw a chick fight on the way out, and the lights went out at Miller Park.
It is a 6:10 first pitch, which gives FIBS plenty of time to get up at their usual 2 p.m., put in hair gel, pop their collars over the top of their $80 Cubs T-shirts, put on their $400 Yves St Laurent aviators, hop into the BMW SUV's that their parents bought them for high school graduation,
get to the stadium by 5, have two cosmos, and be belligerent fighting guy by 6.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
UW v. Marquette
Today is UW v. Marquette. I actually sort of forgot about it until I took a look at my magnetic Badger schedule. It is a really good rivalry game. Like Creighton v. Nebraska except that both teams are usually good. Let me just start out by saying fuck Marquette. I have some very personal reasons for disliking Marquette. But here are a few others if you are looking for a reason:
1) Rich kids
2) Fibs going there purely because it costs alot
3) Fake ghetto-ism
4) The ghost of Tom Crean
5) Shady recruiting practices (see Vander Blue)
6) Changing their name from the Warriors
7) I'm pretty sure Dominic James still plays for them (I fully realize he doesn't but after 14 years, it is hard to kick the habit)
Of course, my nieces decided to be inconsiderate and turn 3 today, and also to have their party at the same time as tip off. I've already chronicled my in-laws and their (non) love of sports. It is a good thing my father in-law is rude and will just turn the shit on and ignore the rest of the family with me. I'm going with Bucky by 5. And 14 Bo Ryan faces.
1) Rich kids
2) Fibs going there purely because it costs alot
3) Fake ghetto-ism
4) The ghost of Tom Crean
5) Shady recruiting practices (see Vander Blue)
6) Changing their name from the Warriors
7) I'm pretty sure Dominic James still plays for them (I fully realize he doesn't but after 14 years, it is hard to kick the habit)
Of course, my nieces decided to be inconsiderate and turn 3 today, and also to have their party at the same time as tip off. I've already chronicled my in-laws and their (non) love of sports. It is a good thing my father in-law is rude and will just turn the shit on and ignore the rest of the family with me. I'm going with Bucky by 5. And 14 Bo Ryan faces.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Gloating, Even Though My Team Sucks
I don't subscribe to the theory that you shouldn't attack the plight of other teams. That you shouldn't take joy in the pain of other sports fans. So lets get right into today's topic:
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
Man, that makes me feel good. Because no matter how shitty the Packers are playing, one can always take joy in the fact that the Bears might be an even bigger disappointment. Which really is saying something.
Jay Cutler has been a disaster. After last night he now has SEVENTEEN interceptions, compared with only 14 TDs. I'm fairly certain the 17 leads the NFL. And it wasn't like three of those were just great plays by the defense, or they were tipped. Other than when Hester fell (and it was still a poor throw) four of those were just absolutely terrible throws. They were Derek Anderson/Jamarcus Russell-esque. Didn't the Bears give up TWO first round picks for him? I love the taste of FIB tears (which tastes like a cross between a cosmo and air pollution).
So other than motherfucking Alex Smith being shitty when I finally broke down and started Vernon Davis over Antonio Gates after being burned three weeks in a row by leaving Davis's 25 points on the bench, the game was great.
Also, I enjoyed the text match between my brother and I while watching the UFL game at halftime of the NFL game. The condensed version is: a) the UFL sucks; b) there were 100 people at the game; c) Brooks Bollinger wants to kill himself; d) the sideline reporter was somehow worse than any NFL sideline reporter on earth; e) Former Packer tackle Orrin Thompson and former NFL RB Michael Pittman were both prominently involved, and both should be starting for the Packers right now; f) we tripled the UFL ratings by watching for ten minutes last night.
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
THE BEARS STILL SUCK!
Man, that makes me feel good. Because no matter how shitty the Packers are playing, one can always take joy in the fact that the Bears might be an even bigger disappointment. Which really is saying something.
Jay Cutler has been a disaster. After last night he now has SEVENTEEN interceptions, compared with only 14 TDs. I'm fairly certain the 17 leads the NFL. And it wasn't like three of those were just great plays by the defense, or they were tipped. Other than when Hester fell (and it was still a poor throw) four of those were just absolutely terrible throws. They were Derek Anderson/Jamarcus Russell-esque. Didn't the Bears give up TWO first round picks for him? I love the taste of FIB tears (which tastes like a cross between a cosmo and air pollution).
So other than motherfucking Alex Smith being shitty when I finally broke down and started Vernon Davis over Antonio Gates after being burned three weeks in a row by leaving Davis's 25 points on the bench, the game was great.
Also, I enjoyed the text match between my brother and I while watching the UFL game at halftime of the NFL game. The condensed version is: a) the UFL sucks; b) there were 100 people at the game; c) Brooks Bollinger wants to kill himself; d) the sideline reporter was somehow worse than any NFL sideline reporter on earth; e) Former Packer tackle Orrin Thompson and former NFL RB Michael Pittman were both prominently involved, and both should be starting for the Packers right now; f) we tripled the UFL ratings by watching for ten minutes last night.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Weekend Preview
Here is my unresearched Packer/Bear Preview.
Packers Running O v. Bears Running D:
It remains to be seen whether Ryan Grant is good like he was in '07, or bad like he was in '08. The line is a question mark, although the fact that Rodgers' jersey was clean at the end of the preseason is a good sign. The Bears are stout against the run, and there is no reason to think they won't be again. Edge: Bears.
Packers Passing O v. Bears Passing D:
This one won't be a fair fight. Not only were the Bears starters a bit shaky against the pass, but most of those starters are hurt. And A-Rodg is suddenly what would happen if Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and Johnny Utah had a three way (at least according to the National media). Edge: Pack
Bears Passing O v. Packers Passing D
I'm giving the slight edge to the Packers due to Woodson/Harris. And only slight because I have no clue how the new scheme will affect their strengths (can Harris play zone?), and because Cutler has a slight chance of being good. Also, Cutlerfuck could throw 5 picks and be sacked 8 times based on how the D looked in the preseason. Edge: Pack
Bears Running O v. Packers Running D
Forte is really, really good. The Bears line is good at run blocking. Raji is out, and I have no idea how the 3/4 will do. Edge: Bears
Special Teams
Crosby was awful in the preseason. Our punter is average. Our return man is out. Hester still scares me a bit. Edge: Bears
Weather: no edge
Intangibles: My favorite category because it is utterly meaningless. I'm giving it to the Lambeau crowd. Edge: Packers
Coaching: I know Lovie Smith got the Bears to a Super Bowl, but I'm not sold on him. Push.
Prediction: Packers 21, Bears 14. Cutler throws a back-breaking 4th quarter INT that Cullen Jenkins takes to the house.
BADGER PREDICTION: UW 24, Fresno St. 23
FESTIVITIES:
So I'm going to the game Sunday night. I would put my anxiety level at about a 6/10, up from 3/10 yesterday. For reference, my anxiety for the NFC Championship against the Giants was a 23/10. I've been tossing around the idea of getting up slightly hungover on Sunday and heading to the bars to watch the noon games before going to a semi-organized tailgate party. I've already been given that sideways look, and warning from my wife that goes something like: "We can do that. But I don't think it is a very good idea to drink for 7 hours before the game. You don't want to be blacked out at kickoff. And I don't want to have to take care of you either." If I had a nickel for every time she has said that to me in the 6+ years we've been together, I would be rich, and probably would've blacked out alot more than I have. She is right about 90% of the time. We will see I guess. I took Monday off of work.
Packers Running O v. Bears Running D:
It remains to be seen whether Ryan Grant is good like he was in '07, or bad like he was in '08. The line is a question mark, although the fact that Rodgers' jersey was clean at the end of the preseason is a good sign. The Bears are stout against the run, and there is no reason to think they won't be again. Edge: Bears.
Packers Passing O v. Bears Passing D:
This one won't be a fair fight. Not only were the Bears starters a bit shaky against the pass, but most of those starters are hurt. And A-Rodg is suddenly what would happen if Joe Montana, Johnny Unitas and Johnny Utah had a three way (at least according to the National media). Edge: Pack
Bears Passing O v. Packers Passing D
I'm giving the slight edge to the Packers due to Woodson/Harris. And only slight because I have no clue how the new scheme will affect their strengths (can Harris play zone?), and because Cutler has a slight chance of being good. Also, Cutlerfuck could throw 5 picks and be sacked 8 times based on how the D looked in the preseason. Edge: Pack
Bears Running O v. Packers Running D
Forte is really, really good. The Bears line is good at run blocking. Raji is out, and I have no idea how the 3/4 will do. Edge: Bears
Special Teams
Crosby was awful in the preseason. Our punter is average. Our return man is out. Hester still scares me a bit. Edge: Bears
Weather: no edge
Intangibles: My favorite category because it is utterly meaningless. I'm giving it to the Lambeau crowd. Edge: Packers
Coaching: I know Lovie Smith got the Bears to a Super Bowl, but I'm not sold on him. Push.
Prediction: Packers 21, Bears 14. Cutler throws a back-breaking 4th quarter INT that Cullen Jenkins takes to the house.
BADGER PREDICTION: UW 24, Fresno St. 23
FESTIVITIES:
So I'm going to the game Sunday night. I would put my anxiety level at about a 6/10, up from 3/10 yesterday. For reference, my anxiety for the NFC Championship against the Giants was a 23/10. I've been tossing around the idea of getting up slightly hungover on Sunday and heading to the bars to watch the noon games before going to a semi-organized tailgate party. I've already been given that sideways look, and warning from my wife that goes something like: "We can do that. But I don't think it is a very good idea to drink for 7 hours before the game. You don't want to be blacked out at kickoff. And I don't want to have to take care of you either." If I had a nickel for every time she has said that to me in the 6+ years we've been together, I would be rich, and probably would've blacked out alot more than I have. She is right about 90% of the time. We will see I guess. I took Monday off of work.
Monday, August 24, 2009
"They Are Watching Us"
I have somehow managed to survive weekend number 4 in the 4 weekend drinking marathon that has become my life in August 2009. Wisconsin Dells was a pretty cool fucking place to get drunk. The drunk bus that took us around free of charge was a fantastic touch as well. I managed to stay within budget somehow, and not get divorced in the process, which is a plus.
The only complaint I had about the weekend was the Nazi golf rangers that stalked us for the first three holes at the course we golfed at on Saturday. Perhaps it was that Richard and I were like 20 minutes late for our tee time. Perhaps it was that even though we were late, and the ranger was staring at us in disgust, we took the time to shove a case of beer into our golf bags right in front of him. Perhaps it is that we clearly sucked at golf. Whatever it was, it was annoying. Soon they went away, and a everyone got drunk. The round culminated in a sudden death playoff with another team after we choked away a one stroke lead on 18 in our best ball tourney. After we both birdied 18 (and ruined a wedding in the process) was lost on some bullshit putt off. Good thing we never paid up on the bet we lost.
So back to this wedding. Some moron (probably a FIB because there were somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 of them in the Dells this weekend. Why do they insist on coming to fucking Wisconsin?) decided it was a good idea to have an outdoor, Saturday afternoon wedding at a golf course, a mere 200 feet from the 18th green. As we are coming down the fairway on 18, we could hear vows being exchanged. Then someone (I think Sports Bottle) shafted one very near the crowd assembled at the wedding, and someone else knocked one off the bar and grill that was right past the wedding. We found the ball I would guess about 150 yds past the bride and groom, who were STILL giving their vows. These were seriously the longest vows ever. Then Sports Bottle hits a ridiculous shot from 75 yards out off this hill right next to the wedding, to get withing 5 feet or so of the hole, and leaving the team with a birdie putt. About 10 people screamed when he plunked the shot on the green (still vows happening). Some douche in a tux comes over and yells at me that "There is a wedding going over hear if you didn't notice. Do you mind?" My response should have been, "well there is a fucking golf match going on here, so can you keep that shit down over there? I'm trying to putt." But I didn't because I am a huge vagina. But it really took some fucking nerve to take that ridiculous position.
After golf, we went back to the hotel, ate, got more drunk, watched the Packers dismantle the Bills, and headed out to the bars/Crusin' Chubby's (which gets high marks). I don't honestly remember a whole helluva lot from the bars. Or afterwards. Schmock was forced to wear red suit pants and a leather vest. He insisted on wearing a t-shirt underneath.
All I know is that the room was fucking trashed in the morning, and if someone doesn't get a bill out of this, I would be shocked. I'm going on a limb and saying it was the worst shape I've ever seen a hotel room in. I was huddled next to the cum stained wall (I don't believe any of us came on the wall, but it is a hotel room, so there is dried up semen everywhere) on the floor, on top of my hat, on top of someones backpack, with my shoes on, and someone else's pillow. The bathroom was covered in vomit backsplash and vomit soaked towels. There was probably an inch of shit on the floor from various chips and crackers. Outside, there was a pile of hotel issued blankets, sheets and pillows covered in vomit. Also outside our room: one wet sleeping bag (which may have been wet with vomit or urine), about three tipped over coolers, a whole bunch of empty cans and bottles and shot glasses. Oh, and there was a hookers' severed leg shoved behind the TV (I couldn't find the rest of her).
The ride home yesterday sucked. And just because you had a bachelor party, doesn't mean you have to get married.
The only complaint I had about the weekend was the Nazi golf rangers that stalked us for the first three holes at the course we golfed at on Saturday. Perhaps it was that Richard and I were like 20 minutes late for our tee time. Perhaps it was that even though we were late, and the ranger was staring at us in disgust, we took the time to shove a case of beer into our golf bags right in front of him. Perhaps it is that we clearly sucked at golf. Whatever it was, it was annoying. Soon they went away, and a everyone got drunk. The round culminated in a sudden death playoff with another team after we choked away a one stroke lead on 18 in our best ball tourney. After we both birdied 18 (and ruined a wedding in the process) was lost on some bullshit putt off. Good thing we never paid up on the bet we lost.
So back to this wedding. Some moron (probably a FIB because there were somewhere in the neighborhood of 200,000 of them in the Dells this weekend. Why do they insist on coming to fucking Wisconsin?) decided it was a good idea to have an outdoor, Saturday afternoon wedding at a golf course, a mere 200 feet from the 18th green. As we are coming down the fairway on 18, we could hear vows being exchanged. Then someone (I think Sports Bottle) shafted one very near the crowd assembled at the wedding, and someone else knocked one off the bar and grill that was right past the wedding. We found the ball I would guess about 150 yds past the bride and groom, who were STILL giving their vows. These were seriously the longest vows ever. Then Sports Bottle hits a ridiculous shot from 75 yards out off this hill right next to the wedding, to get withing 5 feet or so of the hole, and leaving the team with a birdie putt. About 10 people screamed when he plunked the shot on the green (still vows happening). Some douche in a tux comes over and yells at me that "There is a wedding going over hear if you didn't notice. Do you mind?" My response should have been, "well there is a fucking golf match going on here, so can you keep that shit down over there? I'm trying to putt." But I didn't because I am a huge vagina. But it really took some fucking nerve to take that ridiculous position.
After golf, we went back to the hotel, ate, got more drunk, watched the Packers dismantle the Bills, and headed out to the bars/Crusin' Chubby's (which gets high marks). I don't honestly remember a whole helluva lot from the bars. Or afterwards. Schmock was forced to wear red suit pants and a leather vest. He insisted on wearing a t-shirt underneath.
All I know is that the room was fucking trashed in the morning, and if someone doesn't get a bill out of this, I would be shocked. I'm going on a limb and saying it was the worst shape I've ever seen a hotel room in. I was huddled next to the cum stained wall (I don't believe any of us came on the wall, but it is a hotel room, so there is dried up semen everywhere) on the floor, on top of my hat, on top of someones backpack, with my shoes on, and someone else's pillow. The bathroom was covered in vomit backsplash and vomit soaked towels. There was probably an inch of shit on the floor from various chips and crackers. Outside, there was a pile of hotel issued blankets, sheets and pillows covered in vomit. Also outside our room: one wet sleeping bag (which may have been wet with vomit or urine), about three tipped over coolers, a whole bunch of empty cans and bottles and shot glasses. Oh, and there was a hookers' severed leg shoved behind the TV (I couldn't find the rest of her).
The ride home yesterday sucked. And just because you had a bachelor party, doesn't mean you have to get married.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Young FIBs are the Same as Old Ones
Check out this kid. He is already a terrible human being, and in about 12 years, he will be going to games at Miller Park, getting black out drunk, and fighting with other FIBs about who is the bigger douche.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #16
So my brother and I went to the game last night. I would just like to point out that it was the most insane/embarrassing/frustrating/fantastic game I think I've been to at Miller Park. And I was mostly sober. Here is a short-ish rundown:
Pre-game: We arrive, drink a few beers, and some dude comes up and talked us into buying a t-shirt that he was carrying in a bag. It is well worth it. But I'm not going to give away what it says, because I'm going to unveil it at Shit in my eye this weekend. I'm hoping I don't need to wear a collared shirt at the golf course.
Pre-game in Miller Park: We arrive to our seats. Which are the last two seats, at the end of the row, in the last row, right on the 1st base line, above the foul pole. Perfect. Seats. As long as you enjoy being 7,000 feet above the field. Which I do. To quote my brother, "You aren't allowed to buy tickets anymore." At Game 3 of the NLDS last year, we sat in the top row behind home plate.
We sat, talked shit, drank some beers, and then started to get a queasy feeling. We both realized that we had seen about 100 or so people come up into our section, and less than 5% of people were wearing Brewer gear. What. The. Fuck? I'm not exaggerating at all to say that if there were 200 people in our section, there were 10 Brewer fans. We talked to a FIB next to us who said they were on a bus trip with 150 people. They were all fucked up beyond repair. And they were FIBs which means they had like 2 beers and a wine cooler.
2nd inning: We look to our left to see a huge ball of people rolling down the stairs and swinging fists. There were between 5 and 7 people in this pile. Probably one Brewer fan. And everyone was hitting eachother. There was definitely FIB on FIB crime. About 100 police officers start coming from nowhere and are yanking people out. In all, I'm going to estimate there were 15 ejections at that point. Oh, and our section was cut off from alcohol.
3rd inning: We see a cop with a mohawk semi-carrying this chick out of the stadium. Cub fan. And her FIB boyfriend didn't like it. He soon found out that putting your hand on a City of Milwaukee police officer is a bad idea. Within 2 seconds of that guy putting his hands on Officer Mohawk. There were like officers belaying down from the fucking ceiling and shit. I have no idea where they came from, but that guy was lucky if he didn't end up in the hospital. The guy deserved every bit of police brutality that may or may not have been going on about 100 feet from us. It was awesome. At least 3 or 4 others were also ejected along with this asshat and his drunken FIB whore.
Things generally calmed down after that due to the large police presence in our section afterwards. And the security guard that looked exactly like Ken Macha.
Numerous FIBs were passing out. Acting like they won the World Series when they cut the lead to 3-2. I guess in Illinois being down a run is just as good as leading.
7th inning: Counsell opens a can of ass kick on a Ryan Dempster pitch for his only home run in the next season and a half. Braun follows it up with a fucking bomb. Suddenly the stadium is 1/4 empty (although to be fair, about 4 FIBs from our section left every inning from the first on because they were so shitfaced on their Jack Daniel's paradise punches.) 4 runs later, the stadium is half empty.
On our way out, we saw two chicks soaked in booze in hand cuffs. C-c-c-c-cat fight!
This was just a totally awkward experience. Walking around at a home game, and being relieved and excited to see a Brewer fan. It felt like the game was a road game, and you are happy to run into a fellow fan. It was louder in the stadium when the Cubs did something good. I'm a little pissed about it and I don't really understand it. We sell out games all the time. Why is it that Cubs fans get their grubby little meat beaters on at least half the tickets to every game at Miller Park? Are Brewers fans selling them all on the secondary market? Are FIBs faster on the internets? Are Brewer fans just too casual about when they buy tickets, and Cubs fans are waiting for the clock to strike 12 on the date tickets go on sale? I just don't get it. And as interesting as it made things, it was also pretty unfortunate.
Moral of the story: FIBs are assholes and should die.
Pre-game: We arrive, drink a few beers, and some dude comes up and talked us into buying a t-shirt that he was carrying in a bag. It is well worth it. But I'm not going to give away what it says, because I'm going to unveil it at Shit in my eye this weekend. I'm hoping I don't need to wear a collared shirt at the golf course.
Pre-game in Miller Park: We arrive to our seats. Which are the last two seats, at the end of the row, in the last row, right on the 1st base line, above the foul pole. Perfect. Seats. As long as you enjoy being 7,000 feet above the field. Which I do. To quote my brother, "You aren't allowed to buy tickets anymore." At Game 3 of the NLDS last year, we sat in the top row behind home plate.
We sat, talked shit, drank some beers, and then started to get a queasy feeling. We both realized that we had seen about 100 or so people come up into our section, and less than 5% of people were wearing Brewer gear. What. The. Fuck? I'm not exaggerating at all to say that if there were 200 people in our section, there were 10 Brewer fans. We talked to a FIB next to us who said they were on a bus trip with 150 people. They were all fucked up beyond repair. And they were FIBs which means they had like 2 beers and a wine cooler.
2nd inning: We look to our left to see a huge ball of people rolling down the stairs and swinging fists. There were between 5 and 7 people in this pile. Probably one Brewer fan. And everyone was hitting eachother. There was definitely FIB on FIB crime. About 100 police officers start coming from nowhere and are yanking people out. In all, I'm going to estimate there were 15 ejections at that point. Oh, and our section was cut off from alcohol.
3rd inning: We see a cop with a mohawk semi-carrying this chick out of the stadium. Cub fan. And her FIB boyfriend didn't like it. He soon found out that putting your hand on a City of Milwaukee police officer is a bad idea. Within 2 seconds of that guy putting his hands on Officer Mohawk. There were like officers belaying down from the fucking ceiling and shit. I have no idea where they came from, but that guy was lucky if he didn't end up in the hospital. The guy deserved every bit of police brutality that may or may not have been going on about 100 feet from us. It was awesome. At least 3 or 4 others were also ejected along with this asshat and his drunken FIB whore.
Things generally calmed down after that due to the large police presence in our section afterwards. And the security guard that looked exactly like Ken Macha.
Numerous FIBs were passing out. Acting like they won the World Series when they cut the lead to 3-2. I guess in Illinois being down a run is just as good as leading.
7th inning: Counsell opens a can of ass kick on a Ryan Dempster pitch for his only home run in the next season and a half. Braun follows it up with a fucking bomb. Suddenly the stadium is 1/4 empty (although to be fair, about 4 FIBs from our section left every inning from the first on because they were so shitfaced on their Jack Daniel's paradise punches.) 4 runs later, the stadium is half empty.
On our way out, we saw two chicks soaked in booze in hand cuffs. C-c-c-c-cat fight!
This was just a totally awkward experience. Walking around at a home game, and being relieved and excited to see a Brewer fan. It felt like the game was a road game, and you are happy to run into a fellow fan. It was louder in the stadium when the Cubs did something good. I'm a little pissed about it and I don't really understand it. We sell out games all the time. Why is it that Cubs fans get their grubby little meat beaters on at least half the tickets to every game at Miller Park? Are Brewers fans selling them all on the secondary market? Are FIBs faster on the internets? Are Brewer fans just too casual about when they buy tickets, and Cubs fans are waiting for the clock to strike 12 on the date tickets go on sale? I just don't get it. And as interesting as it made things, it was also pretty unfortunate.
Moral of the story: FIBs are assholes and should die.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #3
Spectacular win. Nice-ish pitching by Looper, great clutchiness at the end by (who else) Weeks. My question is, why did the Cubs infielder not go for the double play? Bruan is fast, but not that fast. I think he may have gotten him. Whatever, I will take it. Soriano fucked that game up royally, and I love every minute of it. Hope to catch the whole thing tonight, if I can actually get out of work before then (last Saturday of work!) One of my dickhead bosses went to opening day yesterday, and rubbed in my face as he left at noon. I'm wearing my Braun jersey as we speak, hoping to spur the Crew onto another big one. And Weeks will only need 150 more of those this year to make up for being shitty the last three.
PACKER NEWS:
I saw Ruvell Martin at a restaurant last night. He was wearing a white athletic/windreakery suit thing (ala Sopranos). It was him and like 5 chicks. There might have been another dude. I didn't get a real good look at the chicks because I didn't want to be one of those guys and stare.
At this same dinner, I was talking to my old man and telling him about Richard coming up for the draft party in two weeks. He laughed at me. He said "So you're one of those guys?" I tried to explain that I wasn't, and that I was just going to get drunk....But I guess I sort of am one of those guys. I won't wear a cheesehead or bring a draft board along with me. And I will get drunk.
PACKER NEWS:
I saw Ruvell Martin at a restaurant last night. He was wearing a white athletic/windreakery suit thing (ala Sopranos). It was him and like 5 chicks. There might have been another dude. I didn't get a real good look at the chicks because I didn't want to be one of those guys and stare.
At this same dinner, I was talking to my old man and telling him about Richard coming up for the draft party in two weeks. He laughed at me. He said "So you're one of those guys?" I tried to explain that I wasn't, and that I was just going to get drunk....But I guess I sort of am one of those guys. I won't wear a cheesehead or bring a draft board along with me. And I will get drunk.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Baseball and Stuff
-I purchased my first Milwaukee Brewers tickets yesterday. I "won" the "privilege" of buying tickets for the Cubs games (the non-home opener variety) before most people could buy them. I'm not sure how many people they let through, but the buying started at like 9 a.m., and I didn't think of it until about noon. When I logged on, I was able to get two tickets together for the May 9th game (which is a Saturday night) in the top row behind the foul pole in right field, at a jacked up "marquee rate". Whatever, it should be fun. Every year I have this love/hate relationship with Brewer/Cub games because those asshats from Illinois fill up about half the stadium with tickets purchased on the secondary market, and they are fucking obnoxious. But it is fun because the crowds are always more drunk and more raucous than normal. I would sell them for $100 each, if scalping was legal.
-The Crew started playing baseball games against other teams yesterday, and the fucking TIED. I don't know why that would even begin to bother me, but ties are stupid. Corey Hart will win MVP if he plays like the box score makes it look like he played yesterday. 2-2, HR, SB. Jeff Suppan got the start, pitched two innings, and was Jeff Suppan. If he is our opening day starter to "take pressure off of Yo", I'm going to be PISSED. I'll take Dave Bush as our ace over Suppan. This year is going to be another classic "Soup" year, with every stat line looking similar to this: 6 IP, 12H, 4ER, 1K, 2BB. He will go 11-12 with a 4.98 ERA, which is not good for your "number one" pitcher.
-At least Marquette can blame their loss to UConn on losing their third best player to injury, and not on the fact that they gave up 93 points at home. Whatever makes them sleep at night.
-The Crew started playing baseball games against other teams yesterday, and the fucking TIED. I don't know why that would even begin to bother me, but ties are stupid. Corey Hart will win MVP if he plays like the box score makes it look like he played yesterday. 2-2, HR, SB. Jeff Suppan got the start, pitched two innings, and was Jeff Suppan. If he is our opening day starter to "take pressure off of Yo", I'm going to be PISSED. I'll take Dave Bush as our ace over Suppan. This year is going to be another classic "Soup" year, with every stat line looking similar to this: 6 IP, 12H, 4ER, 1K, 2BB. He will go 11-12 with a 4.98 ERA, which is not good for your "number one" pitcher.
-At least Marquette can blame their loss to UConn on losing their third best player to injury, and not on the fact that they gave up 93 points at home. Whatever makes them sleep at night.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Well. That was fun.
I thoroughly enjoyed the 35 seconds that the Brewers were tied for first place in the central. After getting thier ASSES kicked on three straight nights, I think it is pretty safe to say the Cubs are a little better. Also clear is that Ned Yost is a terrible fucking manager. The worst part is that the games are impossible to enjoy because of all of the fucking FIBs.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Let the Weekend Begin!
The wife and I are taking a long weekend and heading off to Door County for the weekend. Never really been there other than for work a couple of times. Not really sure what I'm going to do with myself for four days. For some reason one of my bosses gave me a GPS to use, so I am going to hope to avoid driving into Lake Michigan while staring at it. So far the agenda looks something like this:
1)Golf at Peninsula State Park: Home of the 69 yard par three that is on a fucking cliff overlooking the Bay.
2)Get drunk on a winery tour.
3)Look at some lighthouses.
4)Kill myself 8 or 9 FIBs
See you sorry fuckers next week.
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