Crew swaps Hardy for Chuck Gomez

Wow, so apparently we won't be trading JJ Hardy for pitching, we'll be swapping him for salary relief. Hardy was just traded, straight up for Carlos Gomez of the Twins.

With this move, we get rid of Hardy's 4.56 million and will more than likely(read 99.9%) not re sign Cameron who would be due to make around 10 million. Gomez makes around a half million so we're basically dropping 14 million dollars in our salary for this year, I'm assuming that means we'll be adding an arm through free agency.

Big big early move, I am a bit amazed, not sure how to react to this. Our overall team speed just increased by about 37%

Loaf's Top Ten Managers OF ALL TIME!!!!!!!!!

This is a list of my top ten baseball managers of all time. It has nothing to do with quality, it is simply based on the influence each manager had on my life. Plus, the fact that I like looking at pictures of these strange looking men.*

*I think this sentence sounds funny, but I couldn't make it not sound gay. I think pictures of managers are funny. Sue me!

10. Ozzie Guillen

Just fun to listen to him talk and he did this for me. Percent chance that one day Ozzie becomes bench coach for Ron Gardenhire, or vice versa, 60%?


9. Lou Piniella*

I really liked that 1990 Cincinnati Reds team with Eric Davis, Barry Larkin, Chris Sabo, and the Nasty Boys. Then he managed the Seattle Mariners during the Griffey years. Now he is the senile manager of baseball's sorriest team.

* Number 9 and 10, teamed up to make this.

8. Ned Yost

I just love how he was fired with a week to go in the season, while in the midst of a pennant run. That says a lot. Also, enjoyed that constant grumbling about him from the less fortunate brewers fans.

7. Sparky Anderson

His inclusion on the list has nothing to do with the Big Red Machine. He's the only thing I can remember from the Tigers team that the Twins beat in 1987. I know the Tigers had Jack Morris, but I have no memory of him actually doing anything in 1987. How many cigarettes has this guy smoked in his life? 10 million?

6. Whitey Herzog

The other half of the managers the Twins faced in 1987. God, he loved stolen bases. I don't know why I think he wears Hawaiian shirts in his free time.

5. Tony La Russa

Just been around forever and always has good teams. I think it's safe to say that I have been overexposed to Tony La Russa.* Too much can be a bad thing, ask Tony.

*No one has ever admitted that. I watch too much baseball.

4. Tom Kelly*

He should be higher in this list, but I never actually cared for him. Did win two World Series, but also coached some of the worst teams in baseball history. He loved shitty white guys and has passed this trait down to higher members of this list.

*This picture was the 6th picture when I googled Tom Kelly. I can see the resemblance.

3. Cito Gaston

Terrible manager on awesome teams. Looks funny, never heard him speak before. Took like a 12 year hiatus to come back to a job he was fired from. Doesn't age (at least in my mind). 79th most wins by a manager of all time. Just an interesting man.

2. Dan Alipierto*

My junior varsity baseball coach. He was great. When my regular jv coach was fired for having an affair with a student (true), Mr. Alipierto was summoned from the Mounds View YMCA to coach a rag tag team of misfits in an ultra-competitive Minnesota baseball league. His first act as coach was to eliminate all calistenics and to encourage swearing. He would taunt opposing teams and would hang out afterwards. I found his driver's license on the ground and used it for a fake i.d. when I was 17. Of course, we went undefeated and I had the best baseball season of my life. He was my Ozzie Guillen.

*Interestingly he was recently in the news for a new baseball team that he coaches.

1. Ron Gardenhire

As my life settles down, one thing remains constant. The Minnesota Twins. Right now it's me and Gardy. We will grow old together.

I know too much about his tendencies. I know what he is gonna say in a press conference. I know who he thinks his best middle infielder is. I know he likes to get kicked out of games. I know he thinks the closer only pitches in save situations. I know his players try hard for him. I know he likes intensity and intangibles. I know he's the best manager in Twins history (sigh). I know he can't beat that Yankees. I just don't know why?

Twinkie (someday in 1980 to October 2, 2009 or October 22, 2009)

Twinkie died unexpectedly (sort of) on October 2, 2009 when his wife returned home from work and choked him out when she found out he bought a cheap ass air ticket to Las Vegas. Ok, that probably won't happen, BUT more realistically...

Twinkie died suddenly (but not suprisingly) shortly before midnight on October 22, 2009 in Las Vegas, NV surrounded by hookers, cocaine and some fake friends from Wisconsin after consuming mass amounts of alcohol, eating a diet comprised entirely of food from Denny's and losing his (and his wife's!) entire retirement accounts at the simple, yet tricky game of blackjack.

Twinkie was born in a small ass, redneck, hick town in North Dakota (kind of redundant there) and moved to some state out West with big mountains and lots of Indians. He did NOT go to law school, as some people on this shitty blog have suggested.

Twinkie loved the Minnesota Twins and the Minnesota Vikings, especially his favorite Viking player of all time, #4, Brett Favre.

He was a badassmotherfocker who will be missed by all. (I am talking about Twinkie, not Brett Favre).

Ok, on a serious note. I haven't posted forever because I work from home now on my computer owned by the state that I work in (which is a state close to Georgia). So, I am rarely on my personal computer anymore. But I had to make a special occasion to let all my fake friends know that I am, in fact, going to Vegas in several weeks. And I will be there in person, even if it means that I'm a Cyborg created by one Juicelaw in the year 2045, sent back in time to make his friends think he actually had friends while living in the shitty midwestern town where he did NOT go to law school.

I believe the Twins should be wrapping up the World Series sometime near our trip.

I can't wait to meet you assholes.

Sincerely,

The soon to be deceasesed "Twinkie"

Where do I go from here?

As the world of sports keeps churning with another shitty NBA finals in the works, Tiger winning another tournament, the Twins continuing their quest to have the worst road record in baseball (and somehow still being competetive in their divison) and Favre coming closer to achieving his goal of being the first person to alienate fans from EVERY team in the NFL, I continue to sit in my dusty office with outdated furniture, no company website and hard feelings.

That is why a potential change is in the works for Twinkie. In the words of Milton "that is the last straw."

What would you do if you were me? Would you take a job with a raise of about 2K a year, better healthcare, better retirement, paid mileage and with a nice boss who will help you? Or would you continue to work in the same depths of hell where nobody gives a shit about you, except how much money you make them every month. And to make things worse, if that amount isn't good enough to help them make their SUV, boat payments and support their addiction to gay porn, you have to listen to them bitch you out about it. Also, when you ask for your mileage check, you are questioned about it, like you are a lying sack of shit or something.

That's right, I may surrender my license to do what it is that I do (or at least place it on hold) while I potentially dive into greener pastures. I may give my notice within the next week and may possibly become an overpaid secretary for a career (or at least for awhile). Not sure how long that career will last, but it beats the stress of trying to cram the information from 300 bitchy "customers" in your head (ok, more like 12). And if for some reason I change my mind and decide to stay, you can A) forget this entire post or b) you can track down my boss(es) and blackmail me for drugs or sex or both.

On another note, we just finished our second week of co-ed, slow-pitch, softball last night and we are 2-2, with our 2 losses being by a combined total of nearly 40 runs. On a side note, I also hit 2 balls to the left field fence for a triple and an inside the parker and almost had a heart attack both times.

This entire post is why I don't post anymore. It is incoherent, boring and nobody gives a shit about it because they don't know me. Except Juice and even he is a prick and probably doesn't care. You can all burn in (Sportsbottles and my) God's hell. I just realized I forgot my Prozac.

Another unoriginal post - Border war III

GET DOWN!!!

This weekend brings another exciting edition of Twins-Brewers, taking place at the giant garbage pit in downtown Minneapolis (aka The Metrodome). Here are my predictions:


Game 1: McClung v. Blackburn - This one has the makings of a 13-12 type of score to it. Twins win in the 9th when Carlos Gomez steals home.



Game 2: Parra v. Hernandez - Hernandez will have another one of those outstanding 15 hit, 1 run outings. I have never heard of Parra, but I'm impressed he is 7-2? Is he one of those guys who started out in the bullpen and picked up a couple of lucky wins in relief so Yost just says "Screw it, let's move him into the rotation." Twins win 6-3.



Game 3: Mr. soon to be coveted free agent v. Slowey (who?). This has the feel to one of those games where the Twins have recently crawled back into first place and you start to feel confident, only to see them get absolutely dominated and realize "there is no way in hell we are making the playoffs, and if we do, we will get dominated with pitchers like Kevin Slowey." Brewers win

7-0 including twoPrince Fielder homes (one inside the park homer when Gomez slides and allows a fly ball past him.)



P.S. I predict Juice takes at least 8 strokes on the 69 yard par 3 and says "fuck" at least 5 times.



P.P.S. O.J. Simpson was in fucking Fargo, ND of all places. And yes, people are here are soaking that shit up because they are crazy for something interesting to happen (that does NOT include me).



http://www.in-forum.com/News/articles/206218

Stolen Literary Device

I am ganking the "running diary" used most often by Bill Simmons. I don't think he has a patent. Whatever.

Saturday

6:15 a.m.: Wake my ass up to cash in on the race I signed up to run.

7:40 a.m.: Arrive to the race to the throngs of people (15,000 plus).

8a.m.: Trip over about 4,000 of those people at the start as I start off way too fast. Most of those little fuckers were about 7 years old who would proceed to sprint past me and then come to a dead stop in front of me for the next hour.

9:08 a.m.: We finish. Sweat from front to back of my shirt.

9:45 a.m.: Begin cracking the whip on the wife to hurry up so I can go drink.

11:06 a.m.: Whomever had 11:06 a.m. in the "When would Juice would spill something on his new white Ryan Braun jersey" pool. Congrats.

11:45 a.m.: We leave for Milwaukee.

2:15 p.m.: Arrive in Milwaukee.

3:00 p.m.: Arrive at Miller Park. I miraculously get out of driving due to my buddy's girlfriend's dad and his 7 seat Lincoln Navigator that gets our group to the game. Kudos to that shit.

3:00 p.m. and 3 seconds: Crack the first Miller Lite.

4:30 p.m.: I have the best brat I've ever had in my life.

5:30 p.m.: A random fucking thunderstorm strikes 40,000 in the parking lot. Despite seeing the clouds loom for an hour, and watching the dome close, nobody budged until it was raining sideways. Even the Twins fans.

6:00 p.m.: Arrive in seat with a 7 dollar beer.

Around here is where it gets hazy. I know I had about 3 or 4 more large beers. I know I won one of those on a bet of the 5th inning score with some asshole Twins fan. Oh, and the split was about 50/50, which is not fun when your team loses.

ANYWAYS (another stolen literary device, thanks Chuck Klosterman), I semi-blacked out somewhere between the 8th and 12th innings. I was able to keep my motor function: walking, talking, etc. I was just super wobbly and profane (apparently, and not all that surprisingly). Either way, the wife put the kabosh to any further drinking, and probably saved my life and a Monday morning hangover. Managed to fight off a good vomit the next morning and after a two hour nap I was no worse for the wear.

One Blacked out Man's thoughts on the game: I may have imagined this but Yost had no problem throwing Torres out there for 2 1/3 in a non-save situation. Then sent out Tavaras for a second inning in lieu of Mota, DiFelice and Dillard. There was no real reason for this, but Neddy claims he didn't want to "put a rookie out there with the game on the line" (even though like two days ago he put Dillard out there in a one run game) and "Mota pitched two innings on Wednesday" but "he would've pitched him in the 13th." Then said "I don't worry about the next day, I was playing to win."

He pretty much contradicted himself in everything he said a) in the same day AND b) like two days earlier when he refused to use Mota in the 8TH because it wasn't a "save situation".

Fucking prick held onto his job because of the win yesterday.

In other news:

Tiger's putt yesterday was one of the first times I can remember jumping off the couch and yelling while watching golf. I watched about half of the playoff round online at work. USOpen.com was about the coolest website ever. Live TV coverage online for free, and it was pretty crystal clear. It was a lot better than March Madness On Demand, which used to be the best thing ever.

The Promised Crew v. Twinkie preview

Sometimes, 3 out of 162 baseball games carry so much emotion and hatred that it calls for a preview by somebody that doesn't really have any special knowledge of the game. Someone who is sitting on the couch watching people floating down the fucking street in a canoe (I'm not fucking kidding, I just saw it on TV) There is allegedly 6 fucking FEET of water on Highway 41 in Fond du Lac. OK, well the apocalypse aside, here is your goddamn preview.

The Twinks lucked the fuck out by missing Sheets. I'm just sayin'.

Game 1: Kevin Slowey (2-6, 5.15) v. Dave Bush (2-6, 5.85)

This game will be like watching old people fuck. Not very much fun, but with all the homers flying out it will be like a car crash where you can't turn away. I'm glad the Twins have a 6 game loser too.

Not many Brewer at bats v. Slowey. Hall, Hardy and Hart have pounded him (in their 3 or 4 at bats). Team OPS is 1.151 v. Retardey errrr. ...I mean Slowey.

Again not much Twins v. Bush (and I think it is mostly because they loooove asshole). Michael Cuddyer is a comical 6 for 11 lifetime v. Bushie. Mike Redmond also has nice stats. Overall though, Twins have a .583 OPS v. Bush.

I'm going with a 8-5 Brewer win in Game 1.

Game 2: Glen Perkins (2-2, 4.58) v. Jeff Suppan (4-4, 3.78)

I've never fucking heard of Glen Perkins, I'll be honest. When I saw Perkins, I thought it might be SAM Perkins, but no such luck.

Soup is a fucking BORING pitcher to watch. And he puts three guys on every inning and might give up 2 runs in 7 innings....with 13 hits.

The only current Brewer with an at-bat against him is Gabe Kapler, and he is 0 for 1.

Surprisingly little experience against the Twins for Soup too. He fucking OWNS Mike Lamb (3 for 19). Mauer, Morneau, Redmond and.....Livan Hernandez, have had success in relatively few at bats v. Soup. .765 team OPS v. Soup, which is slightly above average.

Honestly, this one is sort of a push for me. Typically, pitchers going against hitters for the first time have the advantage. But I don't want to watch the Brewers lose. Fuck it. 5-4 Brewers.

Game 3: Scott Baker (2-1, 3.60) v. Ginger (3-3, 4.07)

Hall and Hardy have pounded Baker too (odd). .827 OPS for Crew v. Baker.

Ginger destroys Craig Monroe (0-6). Mauer, Morneau and Redmond have been nice against him. .871 OPS.

I'll be kind and give one to the Twins. 6-5.

High & Tight

LaVelle E. Neal is the Tom Hardicourt of the Minnesota Twins. Or is he the Anthony Witrado? Either way he seems neither as ornery nor as ignorant as either of those guys. I haven't (so far) found the need to post any complaints about him because he covers the Twins in an objective way (he's a White Sox fan, I believe, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr). Anyways, in his most recent blog entry he talks about pitching inside and the fact that the Twins pitchers don't do it. Mostly, he blames the lack of bean balls and brush backs on inexperience, but he did add this juicy note that I'm sure Dietz would enjoy.

Ultimately, it’s up to the pitcher to throw the right pitches where they can be the most effective. But the coaching staff has to get it out of him.

The catcher does too. There were some pitches the coaching staff thought Joe Mauer could have called differently on Friday, especially when Nick Blackburn kept firing first pitch fastballs in the fifth inning. And the catcher can influence the pitcher to throw inside more.

Great. It's Butt Stink's fault that the pitchers don't throw inside and only throw fastballs. I wish no one would have ever stated this in print because it will only give credence to the argument that our home town hero isn't everything he is cracked up to be. Now I will have to spend more endless hours fending off the Butt Stink bashing that occurs within the friendly confines of the Metrodome, Emma's Bar or Our House. I almost wish I wouldn't have read it. Boo, information technology!!!

P.S. I write this post as I listen to Otis Redding singing "Nobody Knows You (When You're Down & Out). This should be the song that Rick Anderson plays during all of his pitchers' side sessions.

So Long It's Been Good To Know You

I was watching the Twins' game while surfing the web when I learned some information about my favorite "planet" from Yahoo!. Apparently, the International Astronomical Union (IAU) has decided on the term "plutoid" as a name for dwarf planets like Pluto. As most of you know, Pluto was demoted to dwarf status in August 2004. This infuriated me because the elitists at the IAU had the nerve to cast aside a planet that had worked so hard to become the nine pizzas that my very educated mother just served us. Plus, in fourth grade my group was assigned to build a model of Pluto and write a report for a class project about the solar stem. I have built quite an affinity for the tiny, wayward planet and am distraught about its path into irrelevance.

Of course, this got me thinking about the Twins. I started to wonder which current member of the Twins is destined to experience the same fate as Pluto. The criteria was simple. The player once had to actually be good and now suck to the point of demotion (the suck part is easier because just about every Twin does right now). I scoured their roster and one named just jumped out at me; Juan Rincon. This man is Pluto. He was once a key member of the bullpen but is now reduced to the dwarf planet status that comes with being the 13th member of a 13 man pitching staff. Recently, Ron Gardenhire has pledged that once interleague play begins the Twins will go back to a 12 man staff. This, more than likely, means Rincon will be cast aside with the rest of the plutoids, a.k.a the Rochester Red Wings.

That was kind of fun. I wonder who the Brewers' plutoids are. Billy Hall comes to mind. Derek Turnbow, too. Any thoughts?

Update: Rincon has moved one step closer to becoming a plutoid.

The Bourne Thievery

-Last night on the Brewers telecast, Bill Schroeder, on more than one occasion, referred to Astros OF Michael Bourn as Jason Bourne. I think this shows that Bill has the same 12 year-old brain that is shared by my wife and I who had been making that joke all season.

-Our "leadoff" hitter is 0-7, 3K, HBP in last two games. I'm just sayin'. And I thought it was interesting to note that Weeks leads the league in HBP, and is second in outs. (To be fair he is 9th in runs too, but that probably has to do with the HBP. And Braun hitting behind him.)

-"The Committee" is 5-1. Gagne is 11-7.

-Did anyone see Ted Simmons and Ned Yost screaming at each other in the dugout? I swear Teddy called Neddy a faggot as he was leaving.

-I am about to run 6 miles. It was nice knowing you.

-I am not at all looking forward to the three week media fellatio that is going to be the Lakers-Celtics NBA Finals. I am openly rooting for the Lakers, even though I hate them too. I just can't stand Boston fan.

-Songs for Twins: Brian Bass: "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash-- "Bass. White lines, blowing through my mind."

I Came To Hear The Music

My season ticket partner and I have been trying to come up with theme songs for each member of the Twins. I don't mean songs that would be inspiring or fitting for each player or their style of play; rather they should be songs that the players' name can be substituted in to. Here's what we got so far:

Nick Blackburn - The Beatles "Blackbird". Blackburn pitching in the dead of night.

Livan Hernandez - Bon Jovi "Livin' On A Prayer". Whooah, we're half way there. Livan on a prayer!

Joe Mauer - Hank Williams, Sr. "Jambalaya". Midway Joe he gotta go, me oh my oh.

Mike "The Hammer" Lamb - MC Hammer "U Can't Touch This". Break It Down. Stop. Hammer time!

Matt Tolbert - The Cranberries "Zombie". He's in your head. In your head. Tolbert, Tolbert, Tolbert!!!

Carlos Gomez - Andrew Lloyd Webber - "Go, Go, Go Joseph". Go, go, go Gomez you know what they say. Go, go, go Gomez you'll make it some day.

Justin Morneau - ACDC "Thunderstruck". This is a play off of his nickname that only four or five people know.

Delmon Young - Harry Belafonte "Banana Boat". Delmon come and he want a home run.

We still have to come up with songs for Brian Bass, Jesse Crain, Matt Guerrier and the rest of the Twins so anything that Bear of Juice can do to help would be great. This plea goes to our readers as well. Suggestions can be made in the comment section.

Memo To Bill Smith

With the AL Central title available to anyone who wants to take it, I think it's time for the Twins to address some of their shortcomings; the most glaring of which, is third base. Mike Lamb is currently hitting .238/.273/.320 and it's becoming increasingly clear that he is best used as a part time player. I know that completing a trade is a lot more complicated than the average blogger would like, but maybe the Twins should take a look at this guy or this guy. Or maybe they should just call up him or him. All four of these guys should be able to put up comparable numbers to "The Hammer", with the plus side being that they might actually improve (what a novel concept). Alas, it is well known that the most important statistic for Ron Gardenhire (especially for position players) is service time, so it's hard to believe that anything is actually going to happen. After all, Mike Lamb has a track record.

I Knew It!!!

I have been an avid reader of Aaron Gleeman for about a year now. He is, more or less, what I would like to be. A blogger that has achieved notoriety by intelligently discussing the Minnesota Twins and baseball, amongst other topics. He has even used his blogging credibility to get jobs at RotoAuthority.com and MSNBC.com. I usually turn to him to get some insight on the Twins, that I otherwise wouldn't get from espn, the star tribune, Dick & Bert or Dietz. This was the case again tonight when I came across this little nugget:

After collecting multiple hits in each of the past three games, Joe Mauer now leads the AL with a .336 batting average. He also ranks fourth in the league with a .406 on-base percentage and only Kurt Suzuki has logged more innings behind the plate. For all the silly, Dan Barreiro-style talk about Mauer not coming through in the clutch or not making a huge impact because of a lack of power, Mauer ranks third among AL hitters in Win Probability Added, trailing only Manny Ramirez and Josh Hamilton.

Once you adjust for catcher being the worst-hitting position in baseball and throw in his considerable defensive value, a WPA-based analysis likely shows Mauer as the league's most valuable position player thus far. Some homers would certainly be nice, but anyone complaining about a player hitting .330 and getting on base at a .400 clip while playing the most physically demanding, least-offensive position is merely doing a fine job showing how little they really know about baseball.

I knew Butt Stink was having a great season and I knew he was being vastly undervalued. It's time for people to quit worrying about Mauer's home run total and start appreciating his unique (for the Twins) ability to get on base. Too many people (and too many major leaguers) don't seem to realize that the most important aspect of hitting is not getting out. It doesn't matter if this happens by home run or by walk, although home runs are obviously better. Butt Stink seems to get this, I just wish that the fine people at KFAN, and the like, would calm down and realize the caliber of player the Twins have at catcher.

Go Go Gold Glove?

To escape the mental grind that is my life, I spent the wee hours of Friday morning sorting through baseball stats on espn.com. The goal was to compare the defense of Carlos Gomez and Torii Hunter. I wanted to look at the fancy stats (zone rating & range factor) that tell me how good these players really are defensively. I did this because Torii has long been considered one of the best defensive center fielders in baseball and the Twins were bound to miss his glove when he bolted for the Angels. I just wanted to see if this was true. Well, here's how they stack up, with their MLB rankings in parenthesis:


Holy cow!!! Carlos Gomez is super good. I guess this makes sense because he is so much faster than Torii; he has to be able to cover more ground and get to more balls. It's nice to know that the Twins have actually improved their center field defense. However, it seems at times that Gomez can be erratic, but these two statistics have to make up for it. Just to be sure, I checked his fielding percentage: .958 (last). Uh oh!!! He has made five errors in 36 games, which puts him on pace for 22.5 errors for the season. That would be 7.5 errors behind the American League record for errors made by an outfielder in a season. So, the question seems to be 'is Carlos Gomez actually good at defense?'. I would say yes because five errors really isn't that many especially when he gets to more balls than any center fielder in the major leagues. Hopefully, he will learn to chill out a little and keep the miscues to a minimum. And if he does, he could see himself taking a golden shower in defensive accolades as soon as the end of this season.

More Fun After 12 Miller Lites

How to Heckle the Minnesota Twins.

And for the sake of fairness, the Milwaukee Brewers.

From The Heckler's Prospectus.

Great Moments In Announcing

So I'm watching the Twins/Blue Jays game, taking in the usual repartee between Dick & Bert, when Jack Morris slides over from the radio booth to add his insight on the game. Of course this lasts for about two minutes, as the conversation shifts to the 1991 World Series (I guess Boof Bonser giving up hits is boring). The announcers start to relive Morris' game 7 brilliance, when he brings up his experience on the 1992-1993 Toronto Blue Jays. That's when I heard something along the line of this:

Dick (to Morris): What was it like being apart of the 2nd walk-off homerun in World Series History?

Jack: It was great obviously. A lot of us knew Joe personally. Of course he didn't really have to hollywood it up like that. But it was a great moment.

Hollwood it up? The man just won the World Series. Aren't you supposed to jump up and down? And I'm not sure, but I don't think that Jack Morris was sitting there stoically when Gene Larkin lofted a fly ball towards the left-centerfield gap and Dan Gladden jogged into an awaiting sea of white, crimson and navy at home plate (aaah, that feels good!!!). I don't really know what Morris was thinking about, but my intuition says that he had some jealousy for Carter or even the entire team. In 1993, he was 7-12, with a 6.19 era for the Blue Jays and didn't appear in a single playoff game. I couldn't figure out if he was injured or just dropped from the rotation, but he made his last start on September 9th of that year. I think Morris wished it was him in that moment, ala 1991, and he holds some hostility for not being able to participate in that great scene.

For some reason this really fired me up because it was such a strange thing to say. I shouldn't have been surprised because minutes later Morris also mentioned that he thought that the increasing reliance on the bullpen is just a trend and in a while workhorses who pitch 300 innings in a season will be back in vogue. Not happening Jack! Pitcher's don't pitch as many innings because the teams are afraid that their multimillion dollar pitchers will get injured. I suppose Morris would counter this by adding that the escalation of salaries is cyclical as well and pretty soon the players will go back to the wages of the Rockford Peaches. Alas, this just gives me more reason to watch sports on mute with killer tunes blaring on my philips sound system in the kitchen.

*Hat tip to Bear for calling me out because I acted like a little girl when Jesse Crain lobbed a ball into left field when they had Scott Rolen picked off of second.

Are The Twins 4 Real?

Well, the Twins just finished off their 4 game series with the mighty Boston Red Sox with a 7-3 victory and I am on cloud 9. They took three games from the World Champions and currently stand atop the AL Central with a record of 20-17. That's 1.5 games better than the Indians and the White Sox. I am completely surprised by this and wonder if they can actually keep this up for the entire season. Luckily, the kind folks at Baseball Prospectus keep track of this sort of thing so I decided to see if the Twins are actually good or merely just an early season fluke (or some of both).

The first thing I did was look at the standings. Wouldn't you know it, the Twins are 19-17 (as of yesterday) and atop the AL Central. So far, BPs projections are right on. Well, what the heck are these numbers to the right of those!!! They don't matter, the Twins record is what it is!!! Except, I think that they do matter and are actually an indicator of what the rest of the season will have in store. As you can see the Twins records gets worse on the right side of the table. This is because their expected record, based on their current offensive and defensive output and strength of schedule, is significantly worse than the actual standings. They should be a below .500 team, but due to some luck, aggressive baserunning, timely hitting and an effective handling of the pitching staff, the Twins are outplaying their current projections. I just hope they can keep this up.

I do see a lot of reason for optimism, aside from what these numbers predict. First of all, the season is very young. The sample size may simply be too small to make accurate projections. Secondly, the Twins started out the season on a down note. They weren't scoring runs and their pitching was erratic. Once the calendar turned to May, the Twins really started to play better, particularly offensively. Over the last 12 days the Twins are 2nd in the AL in runs (in only 9 games), 3rd in batting average, 4th in OBP, 3rd in SLG, 3rd in OPS (behind the Yankees and Red Sox), and 5th in stolen bases. Is this just a hot stretch or is the team actually playing to its potential? I tend to side with the latter out of blind loyalty. The Twins pitching has continued to be erratic, but this has been due in part to injuries (Scott Baker, Pat Neshek, Kevin Slowey). Hopefully the rotation gains some stability, because if it does there is no reason for the Twins to stop winning. I just hope my optimism isn't misguided because I love the sound of "Your first place, Minnesota Twins"!!!

*Some other observations from the expected standings.
1. The Tigers pitching is bad.
2. The White Sox might be better than I want them to be.
3. The Royals suck!
4. Beware of the Cleveland Indians. They are probably the best team in the division.

Personality Tests & Links

As Juice has noticed, I have been on a slight hiatus. It stems from laziness and the fact that everyone that has my job at the St. Croix Valley YMCA has quit at the same time. The YMCA has since realized that surfing the internet all day and disc golfing are not adequate excuses to miss work. Plus, the Twins are on a home stand and I have been attending as many of the games as possible (until I ate a rancid spicy chicken soft taco from taco bell, that is). I have also been using my "internet time" to search and apply for middle school math teaching jobs throughout the United States. Combine all this with sleeping in until 11:00 am and my fondness for recreational drugs and it should be clear to everyone why I haven't been posting as much as possible. I will do my best in the future to post at least one time per day.

Since I haven't been paying as close of attention to sports as usuall, I am going to post about what I have been spending my time doing: these mind-numbing teacher applications that I have to fill out online if I want a job influencing small children. Every one of these applications requires the typical information you would expect (contact info, job history, teacher license info, references, special skills, etc.). I have to type in all of this information for each job that I apply for (15 & counting) then I have to upload a copy of everything to corroborate it. This generally takes about one hour and can be a pain in the ass due to the fickle nature (dates, phone numbers) of data entry forms on the computer. This is completely expected, but I wish I could just print off the required documents and mail them in with a letter of interest.

The reason that I wanted to share this with our readers is that some of the times the school that I am applying for has a personality test. That's fine, but they always come out of nowhere. Also, when they come up I have no idea how many questions there are and the questions are timed. Why in the middle of the slowest process ever do these schools feel the need to stick in a timed personality test? It can really throw you off. These tests also ask a lot of questions with obvious answers or they will also ask the same question more than once. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!! I can't wait till this part of the process is over (which should be soon because I have so far received zero inquiries). Anyways, here is a sampling of the type of questions I have been asked.

Really? This was for a middle school in Helena, Montana. The population is 94.78% White.

Like what? Calling some guy for weed when he's the upstairs neighbor of your friend's brother's girlfriend?

The answer is B. But, how could I answer that? I'm supposed to be empathetic.

What would you do? I have no idea. Why is a 16-year-old taking this news so hard? I just want him to stop crying. He's 16!!!

Thanks for listening. I'll be back to posting about sports (baseball) tomorrow.

State of the Twins

Amazingly, Juice stole my idea. I won't let that stop me from recapping what has been a pleasant start to the season for the Minnesota Twins. I will preface this by saying that if I had written this five days ago, I would have been a lot more negative. I'm glad I waited. Here goes.

The Twins currently stand in first place in the AL Central. This is a tremendous surprise. The beginning of the season has been filled with a lot of disappointments, mixed with a lot of intrigue, with little to be excited about. That is until recently. The Twins now stand at 16-14 and are coming off homestand in which they swept all five games from the White Sox and Tigers. All this has happened with only three starting pitchers and an offense that would finish fourth in the River Falls Lower Division Men's Softball League.* Color me pickled tink.

*League play for Emma's Bar begins on Tuesday, May 6 at Hoffman Park in River Falls, WI. Bring your tubas!!!

The Lineup: It has been pretty bad so far as the Twins are 13th in the American League in runs scored, T-13th in home runs, 14th in on-base percentage and 10th in slugging percentage. On the plus side we are 3rd in batting average (.266, sooooooooo good!!!) and 3rd in steals. Carlos Gomez has been fun to watch, but needs to get a clue at the plate and quit swinging at sliders in the dirt. He seems to be getting a little better of late, as he has only 2 strike outs in his last 6 games after wearing the golden sombrero in Oakland. Joe Mauer (from here on, Butt Stink) has been very good, especially during the Twins recent surge. He would be even better if Abner Doubleday hadn't invented the second basemen. Justin Morneau is third in the A.L. in home runs and 13th in slugging, which pleases me. In fact, when I recently cast my all star vote, I chose him on merit and not on my usual Twins bias. The rest of the lineup has been more or less horrendous with a few glimmers of hope (Brendan Harris, Jason Kubel, Matt Tolbert) and a few flops (Delmon Young hits like Chuck Knoblauch).

The Rotation: We have three starters!!!. There names are Livan Hernandez, Boof Bonser and Nick Blackburn. I'm not sure why, but this seems ominous. These guys have been doing fine so far, but I am extremely skeptical that they will keep up this level of success. Combine this with the disaster that is Francisco Liriano and the fact that Scott Baker has the face and body of an eight-year-old boy and there isn't that much hope for the Twins pitching to get much better. The good news is that Twins' starters do have been generally effective and Kevin Slowey is about to return from the disabled list on Thursday; not to mention the plethora of options there are in the minor leagues. Basically, so far so good, but we need some help.

The Bullpen: This has always been the trademark of all recent Twins' teams. It is a major reason for the success of the starting rotation and their record in close games. This year, however, there have been a few meltdowns (the whole series at Detroit). This is a little disconcerting, especially considering the current status of the rotation. I think that these meltdowns are merely aberrations based on the bullpens performance in the rest of the games. Joe Nathan continues to prove that he is the best closer in baseball (11/11 saves, 1 ER) and I bet he is reminding Brewers fans that they maybe should have tried to trade for him during the offseason before he got his new deal. Oh well, they all can' be Eric Gagne.

Coaching: I think that Ron Gardenhire is one of the best game managers in baseball. He knows how to use a pitching staff and he isn't afraid to be aggressive on offense. I just have one bone to pick. QUIT PLAYING NICK PUNTO!!! He isn't good. I don't quite understand the infatuation. I know he tries hard and makes nice defensive plays, but he hits like he's batting from the wrong side of the plate and he's a switch hitter. Let's just relegate him to pinch runner and defensive replacement for Mike Lamb and leave the hitting to the less experienced Matt Tolbert. On a side note, Gardy might be looking over his shoulder a little bit due to the phenomenal job Scott Ulger did while managing in his absence.

Overall, I am super excited just because the Twins are in first place. I bought season tickets this year with the realization that I was going to watch a young team struggle and learn while losing a lot of games. Every day that they are in first place makes every game I attend way more riviting just because of the allure of a potential pennant race. I just hope the mathemeticians have it right and we stick to our, as of now, projected record of 87-75 and the rest of the division continues plays under .500 baseball. But as someone once said, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

State of the Brewers

This weekend was terrible, on a lot of levels for the Crew. The way they are playing has me thinking about what the long term effects on the team might be.

This team is built to win now. Or I should say WAS built to win now, because I think the injury to Gallardo is going to put a big dent in that.

Before I get to my apocalyptic predictions, I would just like to say that Gagne got fucking jobbed by the umps yesterday. I know, I know, we got a call earlier, all the bad calls balance out, blah, blah, blah. The bottom line is, Gagne threw 35 pitches yesterday, 18 of which were called strikes, 17 balls. At least 6 of those balls were changeups right down that middle that were strikes. You give a major league hitter an extra ball in an at bat, and they are going to make you pay. Was Gagne good yesterday? Obviously not, but he wasn't helped in any way shape or form by the shitty job at home plate, and it just might have cost them the game.

Now, onto my scorched earth theory:

Manager: I'm not sure if this is the manager or not. But if this team is so good, and so talented, why does it seem like they can never do any of the little things right. They aren't going to cut everyone on the team, so someone has to be blamed at some point, and that falls on Neddy. The powers that be hired Ted Simmons for the sole purpose to put pressure on Neddy, and it obviously hasn't worked. At some point, if things don't change in a hurry, the Brewers will have to rid themselves of their Yost infection.

Closer: Part of me doesn't think Gagne is as bad as everyone thinks. But, he's not doing the job he needs to. They aren't hitting well enough to not need a closer that is reliable, and Gagne probably isn't it. He has 9 saves, and 5 blown saves, which is far too many. He just seems to have awful luck. He doesn't really melt down per se, but he does just enough to give the other team a chance, which they can't afford. We need to give Mota a crack I think.

Bully: As a whole, the bully has been pretty solid (save for Tunrblow who is gone). Problem is, they have to pitch 4 innings every day that Sheets doesn't pitch. They are improved in this area.

Starters: Here is where things get interesting. I fear that this Gallardo injury could cause them to blow the whole thing up. The way I see it, one of two things are going to happen. a) They play pretty well, stay in the race, and make a move somewhere to get a decent starter; or b) They suck, trade Sheets for $.50 on the dollar. I think b) is more likely. What is the right answer here? If Sheets stays healthy, he will cost the Brewers way more than they can afford in free agency. But if they don't spend the money, I don't think they have the pitching in the long term to get to the playoffs next year. When healthy, he is a top 5 pitcher. But he has been extremely unreliable. If we suck and trade him away, we might never make the playoffs.

This is that never ending question in baseball, and that fine line that teams must tread: Do we blow all of our money and hope for the best? (Yankees/Red Sox) or Do we stay conservative, develop from within, and let our best players go when they hit their big payday? (Twins). I sincerely hope they don't go the way of the Twins before they even have the chance of getting their hearts ripped out in the first round like 5 times in 10 years (cheap Twins blast), but I have no hope that will actually happen. The worst case scenario here is: Sheets wins (or comes close to) winning the Cy Young, we lose the division by 5 games, lose Sheets in free agency, but probably should have traded him because we were never really in the race.

Hitting: Maybe we aren't as talented as I (and everyone else) thinks. Right now Braun, Fielder and Hart are the only players I trust at all to come through in the clutch, and even they are a little more inconsistent than I would like. It is too early with Cameron, and Kendall is fairly light hitting and slow, although he has been serviceable. The problem is that Weeks, Hardy and Hall have been fucking terrible. If there is one out and a guy on first, and one of those three are up, you might as well change the channel, because a double play is coming. It is a virtual guarantee. Hardy leads the league in 500 foot high infield pop ups, Weeks leads the league in strikeouts looking. So maybe those three aren't that good. Maybe they aren't the answer. Because they are killing them right now, and they always seem to find a way to kill a rally. Perhaps the answer is to trade one of them for a starting pitcher. Weeks is like a .220 career hitter and he is in the leadoff spot (which goes back to Neddy). On paper, we should be one of the most talented and feared hitting teams in the league, but in reality, if we aren't hitting home runs, we aren't winning many games.

Verdict: I have serious doubts about our long term chances with: Yost, Gagne, and the Hall/Hardy/Weeks triumvirate being so prominently involved.