Can't Fix Stupid

I sort of vowed to not blog about Favre ever again, because I feel like there was a clear "winner" in the whole shitstorm, but I'm still pissed about this.

It has been pretty well documented how I feel about Brett Favre. It has been well documented how I feel about the Green Bay Packers. After Aaron Rodgers put up one of the single best performances in Super Bowl history en route to a Super Bowl title, and Favre took a picture of his cock, texted it, and had his career ended by concussion, I had sort of assumed that it would be pretty impossible for someone to call themselves a Green Bay Packer fan, and like Favre more than you like Rodgers.

Well, three days ago I ran into this person. Two of them actually. The only thing that prevented me from throwing a drink in their face, or stabbing them, was the fact that they were my wife's relatives and I was at a family reunion. Someone actually sat there and told me, fucking seriously, that they liked Favre more, always will, and they actively DISliked Rodgers. I was fucking astounded. My wife also gets angry about this, so she nicely pushed the issue a little, while I nearly broke my own finger cracking my knuckles.

Here is what this dumb bitch said: "Favre is the greatest player ever.", "Rodgers is an arrogant asshole." "Rogers doesn't know how to keep it in his pants. I live in Green Bay, I would know".

These opinions apparently equal: Love Favre, Hate Rodgers. Fucking idiot. Not only are these statements irrelevant, they probably apply to BOTH. I can't really argue if you think Rodgers is arrogant. I personally think cocky is probably more accurate, or confident, but if you want to say arrogant, I will give you that. I don't know whether Rodgers "keeps it in his pants" (By the way, I also live in Green Bay, which doesn't give you inside knowledge of Packer players and their sex lives. And trust me when I tell you this chick doesn't have friends hot enough to be in the same room as a Packer player.), but if I was him, (single, rich) I wouldn't either. Favre is pretty clearly not the greatest player (an argument could have been made he is among the greatest Packers, until the last three years happened). Favre's INability to "keep it in his pants" was both legendary in Green Bay, and evident NOW.

Which is really why I have a problem with this. You are really going to pick Favre over Rodgers on fucking MORAL ground, after what Favre did to the city, franchise, fans, and Jenn Sterger??? And after Rodgers fairly quietly went about winning a motherfucking Super Bowl THIS YEAR? I don't get it. But feel free to take your ugly ass kids and dress them up in fucking Favre gear for fucking school pictures (for real) every year. I hope someone kicks their asses, you fucking rotten toothed fat bitch.

THE END

Annual "My Wish" Rant

Look. I don't know where anyone got the idea that I hate cancer kids. Because I don't. Their lives are horrible, and nobody should have to go through what they go through, especially at that age. (If you smoke a pack a day despite overwhelming evidence that it is horrible for you and you are probably going to get cancer, then I feel a little less bad for you). I think the fact that ESPN and the Make-a-Wish Foundation and the athletes that volunteer to make wishes come true for cancer kids are great.

But please. Don't put that shit on my fucking T.V. I typically watch parts of three SportsCenters a day. Usually about 15 minutes in the morning, 10 minutes at night, and maybe 15 to 30 minutes at 5. And this entire week, I've managed to turn it on right as some cancer kid is playing outside linebacker for the Raiders, or doing wheelies on 4 wheelers. Regardless of whether that kid could start for the Raiders (he could). I really don't need to see this shit on my T.V. It is completely and totally self-indulgent for ESPN to put this on SportsCenter every day. There is no reason for it. This isn't that different than LeBron dragging the Boys and Girls Club kids into "The Decision". If you want to put it on your station, fine. Have a three hour special, advertise the shit out of it, turn it into some kind of telethon to raise money. But don't waste 75% of my highlight watching time for a week every summer. It just makes me angry. And I hate "THIS ISSSSSS MYYYYYYY WIIIIIIIIISSSSSHHHHH!" The song makes me want to murder someone. It has clearly replaced "This Is Our Country" as the least favorite theme song ever.

You make me watch enough pointless shit already ESPN. This is due to the fact that you are mostly good at what you do. Or you at least have the money to control all sports media. But I would rather watch 20 minutes of rumors about He Who Shall Not Be Named and his fake thinking about his fake injury every day than watch cancer kids suffer. Stop.

The Plane Has Crashed Into The Mountain

"This team is toast."--Tom Hardicourt. I really couldn't have said it better. Pity poor Hardicourt for being forced to watch this shit on a daily basis. At least I can change the channel. He ends the article with "They are embarrassing themselves." Wow.

On the bright side, guess who's not going to work, but going to Miller Park with a bunch of drunken factory workers? This guy! And who is going to a game on Saturday? This guy! And who is going to the second annual Brewers-Cubs, try not to get murdered because not only are the FIBs drunk, but they are also bitter because the Cubs are somehow worse than the Brewers, game in September. Wheeeee!

Seriously, fucking trade Corey Hart right this fucking instant. And listen REALLY hard on Prince. That is all.

LEBRON

Like I'm not watching that shit tonight. Although "sources" have already leaked that he is going to the Heat. Although it has already been definitively reported that he was going to Chicago, New York and Cleveland this week too, so I don't take alot of stock in "sources". Also, whoever wrote the article on ESPN.com that I didn't read that said that this was worse than anything He Who Shall Not Be Named has done to America, is an idiot. Le Bron hasn't done this six straight years.

"Your Hard Drive Has Been Corrupted..."

Well thanks a fucking lot Dish Network. Fucking pricks. My DVR started acting up yesterday. Basically, it didn't work, and gave me some bullshit message about data not being available. So I "reset" the receiver, which did nothing. Today, I got home from work and went to watch PTI, and it gave me same message. After turning through the worthless help website (No fucking way am I sitting on the phone with those pricks), it said to unplug the receiver and plug it back in, which I guess is different than resetting it. Whatever, I did it, and it came back with a message telling me that "I may have difficulties pausing and recording live shows. And I needed to unplug the receiver" No shit Sherlock. So I did it again. And this time I got the "MY DATA IS CORRUPT" message and that the only option I had was to delete everything from my hard drive. If you don't have a DVR, you are Amish and probably also don't have the Internets, so I'm not sure why I included that phrase, but if you don't have a DVR, you don't understand what a problem this is. Because people that have a DVR tend not only to record shows that they really like and watch religiously, but they tend to get a little adventurous and record things they might like, or are curious about (midget cake fetish porn). Also, the "season passes", or the timers for every fucking show you've ever cared about watching, some of which have long been cancelled but you are too lazy to delete, disappear. And those take a long time to accumulate. Not unlike terrible posts on this blog. So those have to be rebuilt from scratch. Inevitably, you will forget one, and miss like 4 episodes of a show and never see them again.

Also, in my accumulation of shit, I had the entire series of "Breaking Bad" that I was four episodes into. And the entire season of "Justified" that I just watched pilot for. 5 or 6 random movies I recorded off of HBO a year ago that I was probably going to get to at some point, and the last 30 for 30. All of them are fucking gone.

So what am I going to do about it other than bitch? Probably nothing. My contract is another year I think and I have to pay like $10,000 to get out of it. I guess I could call and threaten them and hope for a discount or something, which usually works by the way, but I don't have any real leverage because I can't just quit and go back to Time Warner (which I still hate). So probably I will convince my wife that we either order Netflix or she will be forced to watch the Brewers trip over their dicks for another 80 games or so.

UPDATE: And I just restarted the receiver after deleting the hard drive (allegedly) and I can't even look at it. What the fuck.

2ND UPDATE: After 20 minutes on the phone, I was informed that the receiver had to be replaced, and they would mail us one, blah, blah, blah. Then I asked when my contract was up. The guy asked why? I said because I just lost 50 hours of shit on my DVR because your equipment sucks. He said it was up in April....And then he didn't offer me shit. What. A. Prick. Time Warner, which again is terrible, would've offered me a shitload of free shit to stay. They almost convinced me to stay when I quit them two years ago, their offer was so ridiculous. Fucker. Well, wait till my wife finds out. She will be PISSED. I can pretty much guarantee she will be on the phone within 5 minutes and will not get off until she gets in a shouting match, gets free shit, or cancels the service. She is scary.

To be continued....

Hit Em Up

I'm sure there are like two people that got the mid 90's rap reference to the title of this post.

ANYWAYS (Stolen Literary Reference alert), the reason for this post is to break down Twinkies sudden love for all things purple, and dudes with diapers who play quarterback/coach their team/slap teammates' asses for fun/cram their cocks down media member's throats/and stab fan bases in the back.

First, I think I need to take a step back and try to rationally explain my hatred for the Vikings, as well as my hatred for this particular Viking team. I've always had a strong dislike for them, and as a Packer fan (really, I didn't just decide to be one five minutes ago) I choose to root against them regardless of what they are doing or who they are playing. Same with the Bears and to a lesser extent the Lions (only because they haven't been a threat for a decade). I wish ill things on the franchises as a whole. If they move to L.A. (when) I will throw a celebration. I might drive over to Minneapolis and piss on the Metrodome. I'm definitely not one of these people who take up rooting for "The NFC North" out of some bullshit divisional pride. Knowing that, I still can be fairly rational in my hatred for Packer rivals. When the Bears got to the Super Bowl a few years back, I hated it and I rooted against them harder than I would have if I didn't really care who won that much. But, it didn't ruin two weeks of my life. I didn't avoid sports media. I still looked forward to watching the Super Bowl. If they would have won, it would have stung a bit, but I would've gotten over it.

This Viking team is different and the hatred has risen to a new level due to He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm not going to repeat all of my feelings except to say that everything bothers me more, and the fact that the media refuses to treat him like a normal player, despite the fact that I'm convinced that 99% of America now hates him and the Vikings, makes it worse. He alone is the reason that the Queens making a Super Bowl would ruin two weeks for me, and could possibly cause me to black out during the Super Bowl. And I would even consider skipping the Super Bowl for the first time since I can remember(I vaguely remember 1985 as the first one I watched). And I believe Twinkie is pretending to be a Viking fan just to piss me off. This is why, as a Packer fan, I feel that I am able to write this post.

With that out of the way, Twinkie is full of shit. I've known Twinkie in varying degrees since 2003. We hung out a lot during our final year at Creighton, and have communicated electronically quite often since graduation. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle for who he is. Might he be a sheep rapist (I was just helping it over the fence)? Maybe. You never totally know anyone I guess. The point is, I've watched NFL with him a few times in the mid-00's, and have certainly discussed it on a number of occasions. And until last Sunday with his bullshit "Thanks for the Quarterback. (insert some other bullshit about the Packers or Vikings)" text, I had never once heard him mention his affinity for the Viqueens. In fact, I distinctly remember him telling me that he was a Miami Dolphin fan. So my first question: What the fuck happened to THAT?!?!?

He uses Bill Simmon's "Rules for Being a True Fan" article to claim that because he was born in North Dakota or Montana or Canada or wherever the fuck he was born, and there was no NFL team, that he is justified in deciding now to root for the Viqueens just to piss me off. Here are a few quotes I pulled from this article.
"There's nothing worse than a Bandwagon Jumper. If sports were a prison and sports fans made up all the prisoners, the Bandwagon Jumpers would be like the child molesters -- everyone else would pick on them, take turns beating them up and force them to toss more salads than Emeril Lagrasse.) "
"19. Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:

-Your team moves to another city. All bets are off when that happens. In fact, if you decided to turn off that sport entirely, nobody would blame you.

-You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport. For instance, one of my Connecticut buddies rooted for the Sixers during the Doctor J Era, then happened to be living in Orlando when the Magic came to town. Now he's a Magic fan. That's acceptable.

-One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.

-You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour ... like if you were a UNC fan for the past 20 years, and you rooted for the Bulls (because of MJ) and then the Raptors (because of Vince). Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.

-The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.

-If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them." "

I don't see one single thing in there that justifies this fake fandom. Yes, he lives in Minnesota, but like 700 miles away from the Twin Cities. I guess my whole point is that you can't just drop the Dolphins. And you can't root for both. And you can't rely on Simmons to help you make your point. You are a poser and a bandwagon jumper.

One last thing that pissed me off. "Like you Packer fans wouldn't be excited to be in the NFC Championship" In response to Bear saying that the Twin Cities was acting like the Vikings had won the Super Bowl after they beat a team they were favored to beat, at home, after a bye week, that had won ONE playoff game in 13 years. Would Packer fans be excited? Absofuckinglutely. But Packer fans are smart enough to realize that getting to the NFC Championship doesn't mean anything. It means you get to play one more week. Packer fans are smart enough to not start to suck eachother's dick when we get to the SEMIFINALS. Not only that, but a real Viking fan (of which there is only two: Paul Allen and Ragnar) would be smart enough to know that historically, the Viqueens are fucking chokers, especially recently, in similar games (see 41-0, see Gary Anderson). They SHOULD be nervous as shit, NOT running around acting like they won something. Which is ANOTHER reason that you aren't a Viking fan. Vikings fans would be entitled to enjoy their South Beach vacation if they manage to get to the Super Bowl, but until they WIN a Super Bowl, it doesn't mean shit.

When the Vikings lose, all anyone is going to remember about this season is He Who Shall Not Be Named making an ass out of another franchise. It has been approximately 10 years since He DIDN'T completely melt down in the playoffs costing his team the game. And I am going enjoy the taste of tears when it happens.

To recap: I hate the Viqueens even more due to He Who Shall Not Be Named, Twinkie is a Dolphin fan NOT a Viqueen fan, Viqueen fans are delusional if they are that happy about one playoff win, He will stab the Viking franchise in the back too, Twinkie may or may not rape animals, I Hit 'Em Up, I am extremely white.

GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!! What say you?

UFL and Fancy Coffee

Accidentally came across a UFL game last night while flipping channels. These are the things that happen when you don't have shit to do and baseball takes an NBA style break between series. I'm not really sure what I was watching to be honest. First of all, the game was between something called the Las Vegas Locomotives (or "Locos" as they are known worldwide) and the Florida Tuskers. A few observations:

-The uniforms are hideous. The Locos wore silver colored jerseys and helmets, with a teal/babyblue pant. The Tuskers had the same weird blue colored jerseys and pants, with a neon green stripe for good measure.

-The football itself wasn't horrible. If by horrible you don't mean playing in front of 10,000-ish people in a 50,000 seat stadium, with music blaring between every play, hideous uniforms by both the player and the refs (a red shirt and black pants. I thought they were on field coaches at first). But seriously though, it was football.

-At some point, if they make any money at all, which is doubtful, I could see it being some type of minor league to the NFL.

-I would never be able to get into it until there is either a team in Wisconsin or a Packers affiliate.

-On the Roster for the Locos: J.P. Losman, Marcel Shipp, Teddy Lehman. For the Tuskers: Brooks Bollinger, Tatum Bell, Michael Pittman, Todd Saurbrun. It was seriously like picking up Madden '04.

OTHER STUFF

Is this Russia? Did we move to Russia and I didn't realize it? I'm sitting here drinking a Coke Zero. Because I was too tired when I got up to go to work this morning to make coffee, I decided I would go buy a $3 coffee at one of the two coffee shops on my direct route to work. Except that at 5:45 a.m. neither of them was fucking open. I find two things wrong with this picture. 1) It is fucking coffee, and it is usually consumed in the fucking morning. Close at fucking noon if you want, but be open when people with jobs are fucking going to work. 2) Generally, people who are willing spend $3 on a coffee, can also afford it, and also have jobs. And perhaps those people need to leave their homes before 6 a.m. This is just poor business, and also communist. Its not like I was up at 3 a.m. looking for a fucking Starbucks. A lot of people have to be to work by 6:30. But I guess those people aren't allowed to drink coffee.

That Guy

There are alot of people who can be referred to as "That Guy". They are people, when described, everyone has run into, and universally dislikes. Today, I'm going to discuss "That Guy" that is sitting like two rows in front of you at a Packer game and feels the need to turn around and scream in your general direction to cheer louder, or stand up, about every 30 seconds for 3 hours.

Sunday night that guy was a few rows in front of me. We were sitting about 8 rows from the top at Lambeau, so he would turn his back to the field, and the 90 rows of seats in front of him, to yell at the ten rows behind him to cheer louder, or to stand up. This annoys the shit out of me. First of all, you are screaming at me. Stop.

Second, I fucking know when to go out of my way to scream and jump up and down and whatever. So shut the fuck up.

Third, you don't. Because it is halftime and a dude is trying to throw a football through the back window of a truck. Why don't you have another beer so you can beat your ugly ass wife when you get home and realize you have to pour concrete hung over tomorrow morning for $8/hour in 90 degree weather you piece of shit.

And believe me, you have to be pretty fucking obnoxious for me to be upset at you for being drunk. This dude had that reddish tint to his face, and crazy look in his eye, like he had about 13 too many Natty Ices in the parking lot.

Also, his wife almost got in a fist fight because she would NOT sit down. Which is another "That Guy". I vacillate between being bothered when people yell at people to sit down at a sporting event, and the people who never sit down. I generally agree you are allowed to stand up at any semi exciting moment, and if you can't also stand up, then you shouldn't be there. However, if EVERYONE in front of you is sitting down, there isn't a reason to block everyone's view behind you because you feel you need to scream at Aaron Rodgers from the 90th row on 1st down. You can easily jump up for a big play or whatever.

OK back to the drunk husband. Mind your own fucking business dude. And stop screaming at everyone to yell when the Packers have the ball on third down. That is one time to shut the fuck up so that our fucking team can hear the snap count. And I always feel like that dude is staring directly at me the whole game. Turn around and watch the fucking game you asshole. And stop spending every free moment trying to make friends with the chick in my row who tried to fight your stupid ass wife because she wouldn't sit down. You'll never see this person again. Why do you care so much if she hates you? I fucking hate you, but I'm too nice to start calling you a fucktard and telling you to stop fucking screaming at me. Fuck. I got alot more upset than I meant to.

Home Ownership Sucks

It is 1947 at the Juice household. That is because we are washing dishes by fucking hand now because our less than 3 year old Frigidaire dishwasher stopped working, because everything Frigidaire makes is a piece of shit. Combining what we purchased when we bought the home, with what came with the home NEW, we had six brand new Frigidaire appliances. We've had to replace/fix THREE of them in less than three years (washer, refrigerator and now the dishwasher). If Frigidaire appliances being shitty were a major league baseball player, they would be in the hall of fame. I guess the bottom line is that Frigidaire licks my hairy, sweaty balls, and I will never buy another one. We were not happy having to wash an entire dishwasher full of dirty dishes by hand last night.

BREW CREW HANGOVER

The Crew suddenly can't hit their way out of a paper bag, and suck. Did losing Weeks really matter that much? I believe that it isn't a coincidence that when they sucked in the beginning of the year, Braun and Fielder didn't hit. Then when they got hot, so did the Crew. Now they suck again, and so do the Brewers.

Defeated!

Had a great time at the game yesterday watching the historic demise of one of the Packers' oldest rivals. I am proud that I got to be a part of it. I was also glad to get some perspective from a real, live Detroit Lions fan! 0-16 is unbelievably terrible. 6-10 isn't a whole lot better, but I need a day, or week, or month to savor a victory before turning to trying to fix us. I also need a day or so to roll around in the tears of Lion fans.

The playoffs are going to be awkward this year, with two of the prohibitive favorites in the preseason, not making it in. With Dallas exploding themselves everywhere, and New England somehow not getting in the playoffs despite being 11-5, this thing is going to be wide open. There isn't one team I can point to and say that they should roll into the Super Bowl.

RANDOM RANT:

I show up to work this morning after five glorious days off to find that someone made fucking coffee in the office coffee maker without using the fucking basket that is supposed to hold the filter/coffee grounds. They just put the filter right above the pot, which creates a problem: the filter is smaller than the hole above the pot(so it can fit into the basket) and because this is the case, when the water begins to pour over the grounds, the fucking filter loses its shape and spills coffee grounds 1) into the coffee pot (which is, in fact, the whole point of the filter/basket system, to AVOID coffee grounds in your coffee) and 2)all over the fucking inside of the coffee maker under where the basket is supposed to go. This is the second time this has happened in the last two weeks. Typically, I make the morning coffee because I am a piss-on that shows up early, and am the first one in that drinks coffee. But SOMEONE that obviously doesn't understand the complicated dynamics of a coffee maker is leaving a goddamn mess that I have to clean up in order to make the next pot of coffee. Which by the way, is fucking impossible because the inside of the coffee maker has all sorts of little plastic compartments that are about 1/8 of an inch wide that you can't clean the grounds out of. This, in turn, leads to coffee grounds in my fucking coffee, which really, really pisses me off. I have thought about leaving a note, but I don't want to "bite the hand that feeds me", by insulting someone that pays me. But fucking seriously. It isn't that hard to put the basket in first. Am I asking too much here?

Fake Gambling and the "Williams Wall"

Last Week: 13-3!!!!

Overall: 94-94-4 (Don't call it a comeback bitches!)

Oak (+9), Chi (-6.5), Min (NL), Hou (+5.5), Ten (-14), Ind (-13.5), Atl (+3), NYG (-6.5), Den (-9), Mia (+1), NYJ (-4), NE (-4.5), Ari (-14), Pit (-3), Bal (-5), Car (-3)

I don't know if those fat dudes from Minnesota are going to play again or not. Even though they were granted their temporary injunction, it doesn't seem to me that their "The NFL didn't tell us" argument is bullshit. If 50% of the players in the league had this problem, I might buy it, but SIX tested positive, meaning that the Williamses were doing something that isn't particularly common in the first place. Plus, from what I've read, the NLFPA bargained for this testing policy, and the policy is "you are responsible for what you put in your body". I would ALMOST feel bad for them if a) they didn't play for an arch rival and b) they have a gay nickname.

Now, the question is, assuming they don't play, does this give the Packers a better chance in the division? I have been shocked by the number of locals that are convinced that this is the case. My thoughts: I don't think it hurts to have Minnesota playing short handed. But even if Minnesota goes 1-3 (because we all know they won't lose to Detroit even if the Williamses wives start at D-tackle), that means the Packers have to go 3-1 (including a win over Chicago), and hope Chicago goes 2-2. Would it shock me? No. But I think the hardest part of that equation is to have the Packers win all those games. Even though they have a favorable-ish schedule, I don't have particular confidence in them stringing wins together. They've shown me nothing to make me think they have that ability.

In other news, my fucking goddaughter's mother scheduled a birthday party at 2:30 p.m. next Sunday, which is directly in the middle of the Packers-Jags game. I fucking hate inconsiderate people. Its not like you don't live in the area, and aren't aware that the Packer season is in full swing. Christ.

Finally, last college basketball season, I had Time Warner Cable. The advantage was that I had ESPNU, which allowed me to see like 3 Creighton games. But I had no Big10 Network, which forced me to not see like 20 UW games. This year I have Dish, so my situation is opposite....And now fucking UW-Marquette is on ESPNU, and there has been exactly ONE game on Big10. Sucks. My. Balls. It will be me and my clock radio Saturday night I guess.

ESPN's "Titletown" = Blasphemy

In one of the more ridiculous things ESPN has ever done, they have taken it upon themselves to take the "Titletown U.S.A." tag away from Green Bay. I'm not sure who ESPN thinks they are, but I'm fairly certain they don't have this authority. In fact, I would be willing to be that the government of the City of Green Bay, and the good folks at wikipedia might have a problem with this. (Everything on Wikipedia is true and accurate).

And consider the destruction that will be rained upon Bristol, CT when the ghost of Ray Nitschke gets ahold of Chris Berman and co. I shudder at the thought.

Now, I realize that this is just another ESPN shenanigan to get ratings or whatever ("Who's Now?") and this won't ever actually stick to whomever Red Sox and Yankees fan feel is Titletown, but I still fell like this is a shitty thing for them to do.

In closing, I took the liberty of other nicknames that the overlords at ESPN will be taking away from cities because they apparently have the power to do so.

1) "The Windy City"-Chicago: Fuck Chicago, that's why. I heard it is pretty goddamn windy in Laramie, WY.

2) "The Big Apple"- New York

3) "The City of Brotherly Love"- Philly

4) "America's Team"- Dallas Cowboys: OK, I know this isn't the same thing, but this has always struck me as being a crock of shit. At least Green Bay had something to back up Titletown, U.S.A. It is pretty presumptuous to assume that everybody in fucking America roots for you. I'm sure there is a study of this somewhere, and I am certain that someone else has a better claim. Probably even Green Bay. (I don't see any Cowboy bars in Green Bay, but I bet without doing research that there is more than one Packer bar in Dallas). Also, fuck the Cowboys.

5) "The Big Easy" - New Orleans: There are whores elsewhere.

Voting begins soon!