Rise and FIIIRRRRE!!!!

OHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HAAAA!!!!!!-- Gus Johnson

We've got a white KNUCKLEERRRR!!!!

The baby FACED ASSASSINNNN!!!!

This broadcast is available in HIGH DEFINITIONNNN!!!!

As always, emphasis added by me, to portray screaming.

I love me some Gus Johnson. It was put on a tee for him so perfectly last night. There could not have been two better games for him to call. Had it not been for him screaming, I would have surely fallen asleep around hour 3 of KSU-Xavier last night. That call is going down as one of the best, mostly because the game itself was so great, and because we are going to be watching that one on ESPN Classic for the next 30 years. You've got to appreciate Gus because you really BELIEVE him when he is yelling. You believe that he is as into it as you are (probably more). He obviously loves what he is doing, or he is a helluva actor. There is nothing fake about it. Whatever just happened in the game seems ten times cooler when Gus calls it. A pretty exciting play turns into something that brings a smile to your face when the emotion is added. We are lucky to have someone like Gus calling games, and we should have him around at least another 20 or so years. Lets hope that if CBS loses the tournament, that he goes wherever the tournament does, because it isn't that same without him.

I swear the attraction is completely platonic and that I wouldn't sleep with him (unless he agreed to do the play by play).

I Didn't Shave Today...

It is my day to shave according to my Monday-Wednesday-Friday routine. I look like a fucking wolverine. I didn't shave because I showing my solidarity as a conscientious objector to the tyranny that is a) having to work today (based on my national holiday/sports theory) and b) having to work today because I got 5 hours of sleep because every motherfucking game went to overtime or was won a last second shot with the last minute taking 45 minutes in every game.

Or because I'm just lazy. Either way.

Yesterday was absolutely bananas. It was the least disappointing start to any sporting event in recent memory. Started out 8-0 in my "researched bracket"....and finished 12-4. Fucking Marquette. I'm sort of glad they lost. Thanks for coming Georgetown.

I'm going dark Jack Bauer style at 2 p.m. CST so that I can be up until 1 a.m. watching the games on a slight delay (although I will probably catch up because of lack of commercials at some point). DON'T CONTACT ME!!!

Only upsets I've really got today are Utah St. and Georgia Tech, neither of which are that huge. I also picked Florida St. over Gonzaga for some reason, even though Gonzaga is going to beat Syracuse in round 2. Or Vermont, because some asshole at the Green Bay Press Gazette picked Vermont over Syracuse.

I Want My Trophy Back

Wow. Holy Fucking Shit. What a game. And I say what a game because I mentally blocked out the first 25 minutes of the game, and pretend it wasn't the worst first half and a quarter of basketball I've ever seen played by people over the age of 12, with penises (I assume). But anyway, that shot that Bohannon had at the end of regulation was the clutchest of clutch, and Hughes then apparently forgot what a choker he has been all year, and thought he was in Austin, Texas last November or something. It looked like they might lose by 30 at one point. The strange thing is that it didn't seem like an upset. I know seedings dictate that it was, but if that game had been played in that fake ass ACC/Big 11 challenge, I would have thought the Badgers should win. Beating Xavier won't seem like an upset either, although that is far from a sure thing. But if we get to the Sweet 16? I gotta say the season is a success, no matter how frustrating.

The excitement was augmented by the Siena-Ohio St. game happening at the same time, and us getting cut ins every four seconds. CBS did their jobs perfectly. That game was actually more exciting that the Badger game to be honest, and even though the seeds were closer, it felt like more of an upset. Especially since 8 seeded Ohio St. basically got a fucking HOME game.

Oh, and by the way, Sports Bottle (and I know you are going to tell me I'm stupid), I want my fucking ACC/Big 11 trophy back. All this bullshit of counting regular season games, and declaring the ACC better is fucking stupid. I've got a scoreboard call for you: BIG TEN 2, ACC zilch. Oh, and BOTH ACC teams were the higher seeds, and BOTH fucked my bracket in the ass (especially goddamn Clemson whom I blacked out and picked in the elite 8 for some reason). And seriously, Cleveland State? Fucking ACC.

OTHER THOUGHTS:

-Gus Johnson's head would've exploded if he had been calling either UW or Siena last night. Raftery's "ONIONS! GARDEN VARIETY!" was pretty good too.

-My bracket may be the worst I've ever picked. Already down FIVE Sweet 16 and two elite 8.

-This tournament is ruining my life. Two days in a row now I've gotten 6 or less hours of sleep because of basketball and then having to get up for work.

-What is going on with the floors at the sites? Some have the generic blue and black, and then some were apparently exempted (Miami, Dayton, I think there were a few others). Is there some kind of rule about how old a floor could be or something? I was hoping to see that multi colored blue/orange/white floor in Boise.

-Fuck Marquette.

Kimbo Slice Popped My Cherry

-I had never actually sat and watched a Mixed Martial Arts card until last night. I guess I am probably a late adopter when it comes to this sort of thing, as I know people who pay $49.95 to watch pay per views. Last night, CBS debuted MMA on network television. I figured if CBS picked it up, it must be good, so I tuned in. Much to my delight, CBS tabbed none other than Gus Johnson to do the play by play. Gus Johnson could announce me taking a shit and make it sound like the most exciting thing ever.

It was sort of a strange show. It started showing a bunch of skanks dancing around to some song I've never heard of. Then, when the matches actually started, they shot off fireworks ala WWE, and had Busta Rhymes come out rapping to introduce the first guy. The first two matches ended in first minute KO's. The second guy that got knocked out was some dude that called himself "The New York Badass" and brought out two different skanks with him and he danced around. This left me a bit confused, as it definitely reminded me more of some lame WWE intro than anything else. Although, I suppose there are plenty of flamboyant boxers that do the same thing.

After the first two, the third match featured "Crush" from American Gladiators (the new one) against some freaky looking chick with dreads from Minnesota (I think it is fair to point out that two of the fighters were from Minnesota). Crush beat the shit out of the dreadlocked chick.

Next, there was a really good match for some title or another that got called because a dude got poked in the eye and couldn't see out of it. So I guess it was a no decision.

Finally, in the main event Kimbo Slice's beard fought some English dude with an ear that was all fucked up. Eventually the dudes ear "burst" and was gushing blood everywhere. And even though the English dude nearly beat Kimbo, the breaking of the dude's ear, and three or four ridiculous punches in a row forced the ref to stop the fight.

-In other news, I hoped Big Ben was going to punch Neddy in the face last night when he came out to pull him. I guess Neddy has turned over a new leaf here as he had a bad habit of leaving guys in FAR too long. Although, when Gagne comes back, he should learn to pull him before he loses the game. The Committee is 6-1 (Gagne 11-7)

-That Jay Bruce guy for the Reds is incredible. He is 11 for 19 with a walk-off HR so far. He is taking on legendary proportions. He is on pace for 14,000 Hits and 1253 HRs.