OJSFA, the championship game

How has there not been more hype this week that the championship game is between myself(Jolly Pharmaceuticals) and Juice's brother(Clown Baby)? We are the most dynamic members of the league and without us, there would have been no good moves/shake ups at all in the last 4 years. Write that down.

The history is there, the teams are there, the flailing, gasping for their breath as the end of the year draws neigh, who knows which one is gonna show up QBs are there. This game has all the makings of being one for the ages. I mean look at this matchup

QB:
Tom Brady vs. Kurt Warner

Advantage:
Even.
Both Warner and Brady have had huge games and absolute shit shows... Brady on the year has been better overall, but some of that is inflated stats from that huge game against the Titans


RB:
Thomas Jones, Ricky Williams and Steven Jackson vs. Chris Johnson, Beanie Wells and Laurence Maroney

Advantage:
Clown Baby
I don't trust that Chris Johnson won't go off for 45 points against me and as of late Beanie and Maroney have been fairly consistent. My 3 could edge out his 3, but I don't think any of them are going to blow up for a 30+ point week.


WR:
Brandon Marshall and Miles Austin vs. DeSean Jackson and Megatron.

Advantage:
Jolly
I'll give myself the edge here, simply because who the hell knows if Johnson will even get a ball thrown his way that is catchable. Huge talent that's definitely been causing fantasy owners pains this year because of a rookie QB and a shitty team.


TE:
Brent Celek vs. Fred Davis

Advantage:
Push
It's your TE spot... Even in a PPR league their production can really vary. Celek has been good for 10-15 in a lot of games this year, so he's probably more consistent. Campbell loves checking down to his TE though, so Davis gets a lot of garbage catches and points. Interesting side note here, Bizarro bid 15 bucks on Davis last week and I bid around 12 as insurance against Celek being hurt. Davis scored 17.5 points last week and Bizarro beat TJ by what? 3 points? If I had pulled my sack out from between my legs and bid half my 40 dollars I had left, in the second to last week of the season, TJ would have more than likely made the championship game.


K:
Just kidding, who gives a shit


DEF:
Minnesota vs. Houston

Advantage:
Clown Baby
Minnesota's D used to be awesome... Now they suck balls, but they're playing the Bears and Cutler is one insulin fueled low blood sugar fit away from throwing 7 picks at any given moment so I'll take my chances. Houston plays Miami, who knows if he'll actually even stick with them? All I know is, after the last 2 weeks, the Queens D can definitely stink up the joint.


So there's my expert breakdown of the match up. My prediction for the winner? I'll leave that up to the fans to decide.

Great Moments In OJSFA History

Lets put aside for a second the fact that Mark decided for some reason to put his wedding over fielding a complete team this week. It is what it is. Mark didn't start a TE or DEF. Fine. I get it. I'll admit I'm lucky. But consider what happened last night, and tell me it isn't super fucking cool. Or at least dramatic.

I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.

I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?


This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.

"DAVID V. GOLIATH"

Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.

VEGAS

We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.

I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.

MORE CAB STUFF

I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?

OJSFA Week 5 Preview

Just because I felt like doing it today.

GAME OF THE WEEK:

The White Broncos (3-1) v. RIP Billie Jean (4-0)

I will be without my QB, TE, RB3 and DEF. Billie Jean will be without Jay Cutler.

Line: Broncos by 7 1/2
History: Broncos lead 5-3

OTHER GAMES:

Marino for Prez (1-3) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (1-3)

A near miss for the shit game of the week. Things could change slightly if Duper goes with McNabb. Also, Bear's team is not living up to expectations, to put it mildly. I mean, they are wildly disappointing.

Line: Jolly by 16 1/2
History: Jolly leads 1-0

Clown Baby (2-2) v. Faribault Frauleins (2-2)

Rashard Mendenhall could be a huge pickup for the Frauleins, especially since he's on his second team since being drafted by me. Good work Twinkie. Prediction 13 carries, 38 yds, 0TD.

Line: Frauleins by 12
History: Clown Baby leads 1-0

Schmock's Team (2-2) v. Heywood Jablome (3-1)

Heywood is exhausted from playing three primetime games already. Looking forward to the week off against Schmock. Schmock is happy to not be playing me (0-2 v. me, 2-0 v. rest of the league). Schmock will not be harmed by an LDT bye, SportsBottle will not be harmed by a Mason Crosby bye.

Line: Schmock by 1
History: Heywood leads 4-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK (CENTURY??)

A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-3) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-3)

This truly is the NFL equivalent of the Browns v. Raiders, or Rams v. Lions, or Insert Shitty Team Here v. Insert Shitty Team Here. To make things even worse, Ass Clowns are without Brees, who gives them like the only chance to win. (Although he has Schaub which is probably the best backup in the league) Except that it appears that Richard may have quit completely. (Gore seems to still be injured). He is filling his roster with injured dudes (Gore (leg), McFadden (something), Braylon Edwards (LeBron bitch slap), Westbrook (will be hurt next week). Want to deal for Gonzalez? But seriously, Ass Clowns get a pass because his life is ending next weekend.

Line: Ass Clowns by 30 (!!!)
History: Grapefruit leads 1-0

The Sounds of Silence

Non-Packer/suicide post coming straight at you!

I was informed the other day while watching SportsCenter that they are still playing something called baseball. I wouldn't have even known, but they interrupted my "news" of He Who Shall Not Be Named bruising a vulva this week but that "he will play next week" (no shit.)

What is strange to me is that 40% of the "bloggers" on this website are "Twins fans", yet I have heard not a peep regarding the fact that they are in the midst of the only real pennant race (2 1/2 back, 13 left to play including 4 vs. Detroit) in the league. I was completely unaware of the fact until I saw the graphic and spit my Cookie Crisp Sprinkle Cookies all over the couch this morning. How the fuck are the Twins in a pennant race? They have like 2 players I have ever heard of. That division is terrible, and you can't convince me otherwise.

Last year, when the Crew was in the only real pennant race of my lifetime, I was having trouble sleeping because the shit was so tense. And we can't even get ONE post? I can only assume that 40% of the bloggers are either dead, homosexual or both.

Fucking people from Minnesota.

IN OTHER NEWS

I made the two week marathon title game in my fantasy baseball league with the old guys. And the old guys are NOT happy. I got about 20 posts about how "lucky" I am, and how everyone is rooting against me because I'm an asshole. My response was a post about how of course I'm fucking lucky, because it is literally 98% luck since I am unable to call Prince Fielder to tell him to a hit a homerun for my team. It just isn't all that difficult to keep a game close and hope for the best. It really pissed them off when I told them that I was the Phil Jackson of fantasy baseball and I just put my best guys out there and hope for the best. Especially since these guys have all lost their children over this league. Seriously, this shit is the most intense league I've been a part of. They take it WAY too seriously. So I'll just have to win it.

OKTOBERFEST

My asshole is starting to tingle. Which means it is a mere 3 days from now. I have to stop off at the store to buy Richard some floaties for when that female serial killer throws him in the river at 3 am.

View From the Bottle

Sunday night's game was the first game I've seen from beginning to end on TV in a long time. For the past couple years I've been listening to most of them on the radio or watching the first 80% and then having to go to work.

Anyways, as I watched I couldn't help but think this was the same Packer team as last year. Rodgers missed a couple wide open guys downfield, overthrowing one by five yards and underthrowing another by five yards. The wide receivers dropped some passes. Nick Collins has taken the label of the next incredibly overrated safety in the Packers' defensive backfield (see Darren Sharper).

Allen Barbre. OK. My thoughts on this are a little different than others. Yes, Ogunleye made him his bitch. But that happens. I'm not even gonna ask how he won the starting spot. What I am gonna ask is how did the coaching staff not adjust. They left Barbre one on one with Ogunleye all game. Why not start the tight end off of Barbre's right shoulder and just give Ogunleye a bump? The constant pressure from the right side was having an obvious effect on Rodgers.

I think it's great to have the two stupidest coaches in the NFL in our division. I would have to say that fake punt was the worst play call I've ever seen and I don't care if it was Lovie's call or not. Then his challenge was almost worse. I can't remember who was running off the field but he was sitting in the stands with Ricky and Juice rubbing his nuts by the time the ball was snapped (don't pretend like you don't remember).

Who didn't have flashbacks to last year when the Pack had the ball with 2 minutes left? I had no confidence at all. But when Rodgers threw that one deep I had my cock through the TV screen before Jennings caught it. What a fantastic play call. I was bitching all the game that the Pack NEEDED to start using the play action more. The play calling was so basic all game - hand off or simply drop back pass. Maybe our chubby little coach is a closet genius?

The D looked very good. Jolly's interception was phenomenal. I hate Nick Collins. Woodson got used hardcore by Knox. I agree with Juice's brother, that was a fluke, right? Woodson's not getting old yet, is he? But I'm not getting all hot and horny about the defense yet. I think the Bears offense sucks big floppy donkey dick. I've thought Cutler was way overrated and I'm feeling pretty confident with that thought. I don't know who I hate more when I simply look at their face - Jay Cutler or Eli Manning. They both look like spoiled little brats (rhymes with 'cats').

Random jibberish -

Good start in the OJSFA. I took down the White Broncos with relative ease. I was a little worried when TO didn't do shit in the first Monday night game. And I was getting worried as the Chargers were driving in the fourth quarter. That is, until Rivers hooked up with my boy Vincent Jackson with an ugly throw that turned out great.

I would be sick if I were a Bills or Raiders fan. How the fuck did the Bills lose? That guy would not be returning kicks for me ever again.

I picked 14 of the 16 games right in Week 1 but I didn't win my league. Horseshit.

Vegas update - Ricky still hasn't committed. Totally weak dude. And there was a whisper of BMac joining the trip. I never believed it for a second. He always has some complete bullshit excuse. Why even pretend like there's a chance? Besides, you don't actually exist.

Points of Interest (Or Not)

-Nothing big to write about today, so I'm going straight up list style.

-I sort of watched most of the Brewer game yesterday. Color me not that fucking interested. Other than that one inning, it wasn't real exciting.

-I'm far more interested in whether Tyrell Sutton is going to make the Packers, or if Desmond Bishop is going to beat out A.J. Hawk for starting MLB. Is that so wrong?

-I don't have a real good feel for either of the above questions, because I've watched both preseason games through a haze of booze.

-Friday we got invited to sit in the back yard, drink, and watch the Packers v. Cardinals. I've got no desire to ever drink again (hang over day three), but I was going to watch anyway...

-In my fantasy baseball league with the old dudes, I've basically got $75 riding on the matchup this week. 2nd place in regular season gets $75, I'm in second 2 games up, and I'm playing the third place dude.

-Madden '10 update: Packers went 13-3, lost to the Giants at home in the NFC Championship 28-23. I got dominated by their defense, but took the Pack inside the 15 with under a minute left, and proceeded to have TWO dropped TD passes (Ruvell Martin and Jordy Nelson), and two other incompletions. It was a driving snowstorm, and there were piles of snow surrounding the sidelines, which is pretty cool. I pulled a Ted Thompson and drafted a WR in round 1, even though I had one of the best receiving corps in the league. Traded away Poppinga and Harrell for cap space (because I used the space up re-signing Kampman and Jennings. Which is why they have so much space now, because Thompson isn't a fucking idiot.) To start season two, Raji (pro-bowler as a rookie) tore his pectoral and is out for the year. And I open against the Giants.

-Some bitch was riding three inches away from me all the way to work this morning. I wanted to fucking slam on the brakes and kill both of us.

-I now have 3 NFL and 1 college fantasy team. But I only care about the one that has Kevin Walter starting at WR.

-I hope to (Sports Bottle's) god that the NFL forces the Cowboys to spend $2 mil to move that scoreboard. That would be awesome.

Bill Welke Was Late For His Eye Exam

First of all, I was unaware that bears had the opposable thumbs necessary to operate a remote control. I assumed you just ambled around town, eating random hobos, stumbling into bars where you were fed beer out of sheer terror.

That was Bucks-Sixers 2001 level officiating by Bill Welke in the 10th innning yesterday. That pitch that was called ball four was right down the fucking middle. I wish I could get a screen grab of the GameDay Pitch by Pitch from MLB.com. Because it would show a green circle right in the middle of the strike zone. It is insane to end a major league baseball game on a call like that. It is pretty hard for a baseball umpire to decide a game, but I think he did on this one. Mr. Welke quickly retired to his home in suburban Chicago, while the 30 some odd thousand in attendance went home happy that they were able to witness such a sterling performance by a game official. Because that is what they paid for. Did I mention that I hate the motherfucking Cubs?

I won't see today's inevitable loss. I'm going to my grandparent's cottage for the day to cheat on my diet (6 pounds left) and drink just enough that I am safe to drive home at night.

In other news, I inadvertently started a major coup in my other fantasy baseball league with the old dudes (currently in 6th place out of 12 despite three guys having made nearly TWO HUNDRED roster moves and me making like 30). I openly bitched about paying for the "PLUS" league, and how it was fucking useless. And how live scoring in baseball is stupid. I immediately got 5 responses bitching at me, and 5 agreeing vehemently. Live scoring in baseball is a fucking waste, in the same way that it is spectacular in football (and now free!). I'm pretty sure I disbanded that long running league yesterday. Which is awesome.

I am going to go put on my Uncle Sam hat and jack off into the flag. Happy 4th!!

Fantasy Football

Do you all realize that there are already fantasy football rankings out there? That I am on the clock for my keepers in three and a half weeks? Jesus, baseball just started, didn't it? In other news, I have like 7 legitimate keepers on my team, and whomever I pick is going to be wrong (except for MoJo Drew, he is going to be tits). There is a pretend QB battle between Romo and Dr. Phil "MVP" Rivers, and a WR-RB battle between Barber/Lynch/Boldin/Smith. I could justify keeping all of them. Do I go with 2 RBs and a QB? 2RBs and a WR? One of each? My brain hurts.

Juice is Famous?

I'm gonna agree with Twinkie about this site reaching a new low and do my best to bring us out of the cellar.

Does anyone on here care about the NHL Playoffs (Twinkie, the North Stars are no longer in Minnesota)? In my opinion it's the best postseason in pro sports (baseball is a close second). I grow nostalgic and think back to those 5 OT games we used to watch in college. Early morning class the next day, trying to fall asleep in those heavenly beds in the dorms, but not willing to turn off the game at 1am in the middle of the 5th OT. I love that they don't use the shootout in the playoffs. I placed a Vegas bet on the Blackhawks a few months ago. I can name Khabibulin and no one else. I'm a huge Blackhawks fan.

I'm getting used to the awful Brewers pitching staff. Manny Parra is an enigma to me. I still think he's gonna be very good. He definitely has the stuff - mid 90s fastball, good off speed. But he's missing something, probably intelligence and experience. If you gave Jamie Moyer Parra's stuff, he'd be unhittable. I'm on the verge of lowering my overall wins prediction.

Braun appeared to bust out, finally. But, seriously, Ricky would smack that 83 mph fastball around the yard. The one thing I notice about the Brewers is they swing and miss at a lot of mistakes. They miss lots of hanging curves. Prince Fielder and Ryan Braun swing and miss more than any players I've ever seen.

Is it just me, or does it always seem like Bill Hall is late b/c of his batting stance. It just never seems he's gonna be able to get around on the ball.

What good will Trevor Hoffman do if we can't get to him in the 9th anyways? And, keep in mind, he's 64 years old with a Moyer like fastball.

I'm intrigued by the Pedro Martinez talk. Not because he would help us. I'm just simply intrigued.

Percy Harvin tested positive for ganja. There must be some level of stupidity that I'm too stupid to understand.

I won the NBA fantasy league. Just thought I'd point that out.

I beat Juice's #1 seeded team to get to the finals, just for the record.

Robin Yount will never win any acting awards.

You Fucking Bet!!!!!!!!!!

I went to great lengths to avoid anything and anyone that could possibly reveal the outcome of this wonderful championship game due to the fact I was working and did not want to listen to this game on the radio. At tip off I shut off my phone. My DVR went to work. About 30 seconds before I'm going to leave for home a 3rd shifter walks in and says "NC whooped some ass tonight, huh?" FUCK HIM. FUCK HIM RIGHT IN THE BUTT.

Anyways, this is the 3rd greatest day in my sports life, behind the Tar Heel championship in '93 and the Tar Heel championship in '05. It's such a great feeling when you're favorite sports team wins a championship.

I strongly stand by my statement from early in the college basketball season where I said we may be looking at one of the greatest college basketball teams of all time. I'd like someone to argue against it. Simply by looking at the team it's a simple conclusion. They had the best starting five in the country. In that starting five are the reigning national player of the year (Psycho T) and the recently annointed ACC Player of the Year and Bob Cousy Award winner (Ty Lawson).

But the nail in the coffin of this argument is the dominance in the NCAA Tournament. Their average margin of victory was the most all time. All games won by at least 12 points. I thoroughly enjoyed it. And their defense was excellent, so go fuck yourselves all you homos who rag on the ACC defense.

The Heels could be the hands down favorites next year too, but unlikely due to departures to the NBA. They lose Tyler Hansbrough and Danny Green to graduation. Lawson and Ellington both tested the NBA waters last year and decided to come back. I'm guessing they're both gone this time. They have a very good soon to be sophomore class and (of course) a great recruiting class. Next year will be mildly successful. I would say maybe a 4 or 5 seed.

I would just like to point out that I bitch slapped Juice's #1 seeded team in our fantasy basketball league. Thanks for playing Juice.