This post was especially for Twinkie, because he and I have fond memories of Anthony Tolliver getting paid like $75 an hour to referee our flag football games, and jacking up awkward threes while at Creighton. The rest of you, enjoy the slamadamadingdong.
Showing posts with label Rectum? I damn near killed 'em. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Rectum? I damn near killed 'em. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Gold Medal Juice
A few thoughts on the Olympics so far...
-My vote for the most entertaining winter Olympic sport has to be short track speed skating. It is fucking riveting. At any second, someone can randomly wipe out, taking a bunch of other dudes with him. And watching Apollo Ohno race is fascinating. It seems like he isn't even trying, and then will just pass everyone from the back when he feels like it.
-The women's downhill was awesome too. And it was awesome because three chicks fell in the most horrendous way possible. I am no doctor, but I'm not exactly sure how they didn't die. One of the women fell, was sliding face first at what looked like 50 mph, then hit a bump and went flying in the air about 20 feet, and smashed her head on the hill when she came down, before sliding lifelessly another 500 or so feet. It was unreal. For all the concern about concussions when football players bounce their head off the turf, I bet there are a shitload of downhill skiers that have a hard time dressing themselves when they are 30. I'm too lazy to find the crashes (and I'm sure NBC won't let anyone post them anyplace) but they are riveting and you should check them out.
In the end, Lindsey Vonn won. And she was fucking annoying as shit about it. They had her miked up or something afterwards and you could hear her making some awful noise that I can best describe as moaning, for like 10 minutes afterwards. I imagine it is the same noise you would make if you watched your dog get run over by an 18 wheeler. That, and she has a really, really annoying voice. And her husband (I think) and her were having some kind of intimate moment with the mic between them, and it was 1) awkward and 2) sort of fake and creepy. I hope I never converse with my wife that way. She has every right to be happy and emotional, I would just prefer to watch it on mute from now on.
-Shaun White is unfuckingbelievable. It is too bad there aren't like 10 different half pipe snowboarding events, because he would win 10 gold medals. The event was like watching Michael Jordan play basketball against high schoolers. I don't understand the tricks or snowboarding stuff at all, but it was so blatantly obvious that he was better than everyone else it was insane. And he is both entertaining and seems like a genuinely cool guy.
-Finally, America will never be truly equal until it is no longer bizarre or unusual to see a black speed skater, figure skater or swimmer. Or a white basketball player. Shani Davis is good.
-My vote for the most entertaining winter Olympic sport has to be short track speed skating. It is fucking riveting. At any second, someone can randomly wipe out, taking a bunch of other dudes with him. And watching Apollo Ohno race is fascinating. It seems like he isn't even trying, and then will just pass everyone from the back when he feels like it.
-The women's downhill was awesome too. And it was awesome because three chicks fell in the most horrendous way possible. I am no doctor, but I'm not exactly sure how they didn't die. One of the women fell, was sliding face first at what looked like 50 mph, then hit a bump and went flying in the air about 20 feet, and smashed her head on the hill when she came down, before sliding lifelessly another 500 or so feet. It was unreal. For all the concern about concussions when football players bounce their head off the turf, I bet there are a shitload of downhill skiers that have a hard time dressing themselves when they are 30. I'm too lazy to find the crashes (and I'm sure NBC won't let anyone post them anyplace) but they are riveting and you should check them out.
In the end, Lindsey Vonn won. And she was fucking annoying as shit about it. They had her miked up or something afterwards and you could hear her making some awful noise that I can best describe as moaning, for like 10 minutes afterwards. I imagine it is the same noise you would make if you watched your dog get run over by an 18 wheeler. That, and she has a really, really annoying voice. And her husband (I think) and her were having some kind of intimate moment with the mic between them, and it was 1) awkward and 2) sort of fake and creepy. I hope I never converse with my wife that way. She has every right to be happy and emotional, I would just prefer to watch it on mute from now on.
-Shaun White is unfuckingbelievable. It is too bad there aren't like 10 different half pipe snowboarding events, because he would win 10 gold medals. The event was like watching Michael Jordan play basketball against high schoolers. I don't understand the tricks or snowboarding stuff at all, but it was so blatantly obvious that he was better than everyone else it was insane. And he is both entertaining and seems like a genuinely cool guy.
-Finally, America will never be truly equal until it is no longer bizarre or unusual to see a black speed skater, figure skater or swimmer. Or a white basketball player. Shani Davis is good.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
The Anti-Plumber
I totally took a gigantic shit at work and plugged the toilet in the men's bathroom. I made the effort to look for the plunger, but one did not exist. So I left it plugged rather than bring attention to my impressively dense feces. About four hours later, I heard my boss checking to make sure there was nobody in the women's bathroom because HE had to shit, and didn't want to risk an overflow. A few minutes later he walked by with the plunger.
The awesome part is that he totally knows it was either him or me because we are the only two men here today. And I know he always takes a morning shit too. So he might think it was him. Or he hates me. Either way, I didn't have to plunge.
You may ask yourself, what does this have to do at least tangentially with sports? My shit reminded me of the combined line score through 5 innings of the great Soup/McClung combo so far: 5 IP, 9 H, 7ER, 3 BB, 6K, 2 HR. Fucking losers. It is 7-7 after 5.
The awesome part is that he totally knows it was either him or me because we are the only two men here today. And I know he always takes a morning shit too. So he might think it was him. Or he hates me. Either way, I didn't have to plunge.
You may ask yourself, what does this have to do at least tangentially with sports? My shit reminded me of the combined line score through 5 innings of the great Soup/McClung combo so far: 5 IP, 9 H, 7ER, 3 BB, 6K, 2 HR. Fucking losers. It is 7-7 after 5.
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