I've Got Wood

I never thought I'd get a repeat on the excitement that was generated when the Milwaukee Brewers acquired C.C. Sabathia a few years ago en route to an, albeit short, playoff berth. Mark Attanasio must have a huge anus, because it can't feel good pulling Zack Greinke out of your ass. This is going for broke, especially if the Brewers are in relative contention when the trade deadline passes but don't make the playoffs. That is the worst case scenario. If that happens they won't trade Prince Fielder and they will get nothing for him. That would blow because Prince is out like Juice in dodgeball after this year.

I do have to express my sadness about getting rid of Alcides Escobar and Lorenzo Cain, more Cain though. Cain is gonna be a stud. Escobar is a unique defensive talent but his bat is a dime a dozen. Betancourt is pretty much an older version. His numbers at the plate last year were more productive. But with Cain gone, and I suspect he was our starting center fielder for the next dozen years, does this mean we get Carlos Gomez in center? I have done zero research about this, but no one else comes to mind. If this is the case, that is going to hurt. Gomez is a the rare player with a body type for one thing (power hitter) but raw skills for another thing (speedy leadoff hitter). In other words, he tries to slug but can't. If he can learn his identity, maybe he can be a consistent contributer, because he's faster than shit and is very good defensively.

Be very careful with your enthusiasm. It's understandable to be thinking playoffs but I'm getting the feeling of a slow start because expectations are going to be so high. Every article is talking about the Brewers' great offense, but they're not consistent, which cost them a ton of games last year. Great pitching can't rescue an offense that doesn't produce consistently.

Ted Thompson, take a cue from Attanasio. You do what you need to do to win. Thompson simply will not pull the trigger on a big move. When Ryan Grant got hurt he needed to get out there and find a suitable replacement (i.e. Marshawn Lynch). Now the Packers play the Patriots with no running game AND no passing game, unless Matt Flynn also has a huge anus. Patriots favored by 14.5. Hmmm, Patriots at home, hottest team in the NFL, Aaron Rodgers out, Matt Flynn in...... Patriots 27-10.

College Bowl Pick 'em is starting off decently. A thank you goes to Juice for allowing me to continue my degenerative ways by spending $20 on a pick 'em pool. Fuck Troy.

Whatever Comes To Mind

Today is without a doubt, the worst day of the year in sports. There is NOTHING on. Say what you want about baseball, but at least it provides and excuse to look at your fantasy lineup. Today there is NOTHING. I'm for sure not watching the shitty ESPYs. There is nothing on TV. My DVR is blank. Maybe I can read a book? I dunno. Whatever it is isn't going to be fun. The NFL needs to be 365 days a year. And thank (Sports Bottle's) god for British Open and baseball tomorrow.

Speaking of the NFL. The stuff surrounding the Packer's financials, and the background of a separate dispute between owners scares the shit out of me. I'm fairly certain I can't survive a season (or more) without the NFL. Please get this worked out.

Charles Woodson. Defensive Player of the Year. Heisman winner. Life saver. Pretty awesome.

A lot of Corey Hart/Prince Fielder/Rickie Weeks rumors and rumblings. I've heard enough idiots talk about this in Green Bay. Here is another idiot talking about them. Let's do it bullet form, one by one shall we?

-Corey Hart: He's gotta go. The value will never be higher. Take this from a guy who has watched about every game for the last three years. He will hit .200 in August. Mark it down. If you can get anything useful (4 or 5 starter, or a high reward lower-level prospect with #2-ish potential) do it. We don't have anyone great to replace him right now, but OF are generally not that hard to find. We need help in the rotation now, but it is a little unclear if Milwaukee is truly going to contend next season by just adding an above average starter. Especially if they trade...

-Prince Fielder: It is unclear whether the Crew will trade him now or not. I think he has the most value right now, because whatever team gets him is getting him next year too (where they could trade him for value if they tank later). He's got a ton of value overall. I gotta think some team will grossly overpay for him. Also, the Crew has a less than 0% chance of keeping him beyond next year. We are basically the Toronto Raptors with Chris Bosh prior to this offseason. The Crew needs to be careful, because we need something of impact this season or next. I just don't think we can possibly afford to screw around a whole lot and end up with nothing. We have no clear replacement at 1B in the system, but 1B is not an overly difficult position to play on defense (see Prince Fielder), and any good bat will do. I've heard Braun or Gamel to 1B thrown around. Either could adequately replace Fielder's D you would think.

-Rickie Weeks: Are they offering him up? Lots of conflicting reports. On one side, I think we kind of know what we are going to get with Weeks. He is a decent hitter, with decent power, at a position that isn't generally very strong on offense. His defense is below average, and he has the incredible ability to lean into pitches. Because of the position he plays, his offense is a much bigger asset than similar numbers from Corey Hart are in RF. This is because there are very few good hitting 2B. Coincidentally, it appears we have another good bat at 2B in AA in Brett Lawrie. But he's not ready yet. At this point, I think you have to hang onto Weeks until next year at the very least unless you get blown away. The Crew isn't in rebuilding mode exactly. There are some pieces that could compete for a playoff spot at least.

Alot of what happens in the next few weeks is going to hinge on what happens with Prince. If they trade him, I don't see the playoffs next year, and at that point prospects for he and Hart make more sense than guys who are average MLB players that could contribute immediately. But maybe someone will blow us away for immediate, young contributors. It will be interesting to watch at least.

Giant Envy

Really San Francisco Giants? Really? If you aren't in the know lets recap this whole thing and you can tell me if you think the Giants are gigantic pussies or not.

Late last season, Prince Fielder hit a walk off homer to beat the Giants. As he rounded the plate, the Brewers proceeded to engage in the coolest choreographed home run celebration in major league history (pictured above). All the guys were standing at the plate, and when he jumped on home, everyone fell. Good times were had by all.

Immediately afterwards, a bunch of old timers were enraged, and somehow the media decided that having fun while playing baseball should be outlawed. I don't think any fines were levied or anything, just extremely stern glances and comments.

Fast forward to yesterday. First spring training game for the Brewers. Prince Fielder comes to the plate for his first spring at bat. The game is against the Giants. He gets plunked on the first pitch....

Are you fucking serious? Jesus, it isn't like Prince Fielder hit a homerun and then threw the bat at the pitcher. He fucking celebrated with his teammates. If you are so offended, don't fucking let him hit a homer. To be fair, it seemed like a pretty light toss that hit him today, but what if that hits him in the wrist or something stupid. I LOVE me a good bean ball war, but not six months later because a guy celebrated winning a game for his team. This whole fake outrage over being disrespected, from a bunch of guys who on a whole can barely spell disrespect is fucking ridiculous.

That being said, the Brewers should have retaliated. Maybe they did, I don't get too many spring training "highlights".

2/16 Morning Juice

-Interesting-ish week in sports. We've got three USA hockey games (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), two Badger basketball games (Thursday at Minnesota, Sunday at home v. Northwestern) and I'm sure Creighton probably plays (they are frustrating as shit and I feel I'm becoming bandwagon because I haven't followed all that close, and they are easy to ignore when they are average, P.S. they play nationally popular Northern Iowa tonight). Also, pitchers and catchers on Saturday.

-If the US manages to be in medal round contention by Sunday (not a guarantee, because it is my understanding that they are extremely young), I think it will be probably the second most excited I've ever been for a hockey game. They play Canada who is 1) the favorites; 2) the host and 3) our geographic "rivals". The most excited ever was when the Badgers were in the National Championship game a few years back, which marked the only Badger hockey game I've ever seen sober. There is going to be all sorts of hype around the game and I bet the crowd will be ridiculous. I'm hoping to catch the two weekday games on the DVR.

-Figure skating is awful.

-I'm actually excited for the Brewers to play a spring training game. I'm obviously retarded.

I like what they did in the offseason. They addressed some holes (Looper, Suppan?). Although Wolf and Davis aren't stellar by any means, I can't believe they will be worse, and even average would be an improvement. If Gallardo can a) stay healthy and b) stop throwing 130 pitches through 5 innings, Parra taps into his potential by even getting to average, and somehow Suppan dies and Bush/Narveson/mystery pitcher number 5 can pitch into the 5th without giving up 5 homers on even a semi-regular basis, we should win 5 more games based on pitching alone.

Hitting wise, it is hard to imagine the new 93 year old catcher being worse than Kendall, although I'm sure we will lose a few HBP. We will make up the HBP with a full season (hopefully) from Weeks. Weeks was awesome last year before going down, but it felt a bit like a fluke since I hated him prior to last season. Only a full season from Weeks (which seems unlikely) at his early last season performance would be a true improvement at 2B. Is Escobar better than Hardy? I would say defensively it is probably a wash. Speed is a definite improvement. Hitting? Potentially. Hardy was extremely streaky, and could carry a team for a few weeks by himself. But he was also terrible at times. I would settle for mediocre if he steals a bunch of bases (if Macha lets him). 3B is going to be about the same as last year. I doubt McGehee is going to replicate last season, but Gamel should be improved just based on hype. Bruan is great in LF, Fielder is great at 1B. Hart is slightly below average in RF, but possibly Gerut (who got alot better late last year) and Edmonds (assuming he can man an outfield with a walker) could give some much needed competition. The real key I think is going to be Gomez. Is he any good? I know he's fast, and good on D. But is the speed going to make up for the 25HRs that we would've gotten from Cameron? This feels like my big concern for the offense.

In the bully, we probably got a little better with the addition of Hawkins. Lets just pray (to SportsBottle's god) that Hoffman stays healthy.

Wow. This turned into a whole Brewer season preview accidentally. I'm seeing 80 to 85 wins, and being in a wild card conversation late. The playoffs feel possible if Gallardo turns into an All-Star (not out of the question), Braun and Fielder stay healthy, and Parra/Escobar/Gomez live up to expectations. Which is coincidentally, why baseball still sucks. Because teams like Milwaukee need everything to go right, while the Yanks and Sox can afford for almost nothing to go right, and still get to the postseason.

-I'm hoping to make a few trips to Miller Park (anyone interested?), a trip to the new Target Field for Brewers/Twins/blackout drunk in May, and a trip to Petco in San Diego for a random Padres game in May or June this season.

Who Ya Got?

Prince Fielder v. Guillermo Mota, the entire Los Angeles Dodgers security staff, and possibly a stray hot dog vendor. I gotta say, I'm leaning towards Prince on this one. I would be SHOCKED if someone on the Dodgers didn't get drilled tonight. Say what you want about Prince (and a certain someone on this blog has), I believe he is looked at as a leader in the locker room, and someone is willing to take a fine/suspension for him. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I stayed up until 1 a.m. to see this happen live, but with 2 outs in the ninth inning of a THIRTEEN run game, it sure looked bush league to me.

Also, that loss should count as 2, or perhaps 2.5 losses. You have your "ace" out there, and you lose by THIRTEEN RUNS. I bet there is a statistic out there that says that if you lose by 13 runs, your chances of being in the playoffs are pretty fucking slim. I'm glad it was on at 3 a.m. CST so I wasn't tempted to watch.

Pirates Have Short Man's Syndrome

I got this from the local sports talk show this morning, so you'll have to forgive the information if it is completely fucking erroneous. But I am too lazy to look it up, so I'm just going to speculate. Allegedly, after Monday night's "retaliation" on Jeff Karstens, Karstens was being interviewed. In the background, some asshole named Delwyn Young (not to be confused with bat throwing Delmon Young, which of course, the local radio show did) yelled out "tell them that Ryan Braun is a coward." Can someone explain to me why the Pirates would be pissed at Braun over this? Or why Braun gets booed every time he comes up in Pittsburgh? Pretty sure all Braun did to "start" this was get drilled in the back with a fastball. Not sure he would have preferred that to happen over the HRs he has hit. So somehow, Braun is a coward for getting hit with a pitch. Pretty sure he doesn't have the pull it takes to order a Brewer pitcher to throw at someone three months later. Pretty sure Braun didn't actually throw any of those pitches. So I guess I don't get it.

To Braun's credit, he refused to comment.

Prince's response was something like (and I'm paraphrasing)"Who the fuck is Delwyn Young?" Both because a) Delwyn Young doesn't have the clout or respect to make comments about other, much better players and b) He literally hadn't heard of Delwyn Young until about 30 seconds earlier.

Mike Cameron said something like (and I'm paraphrasing again) "I'm not going to talk shit in the papers. I'm going to find him tomorrow." Which either means he is going to have a talk with him, or he's going to beat the shit out of him.

Either way, the Pirates suck. I am going to be starting in RF for them after Cameron ends his career.

It Is Over

The diet. Got down to 180. A mere 39 pounds. I promptly went out and ate and drank like a 219 pounder. Won't be long until I'm back there.

The NL Central Race. Felipe Lopez will hit .436 with 39 HRs 141 RBI and 34 SB the rest of the way, and will also contribute in long relief. His addition will have the Crew winning the Central by 12 games. What I don't like is that we traded a minor leaguer I've actually heard of (Cole Gillespie). But in reality like 5% of minor leaguers ever even make it pro, so I guess I shouldn't worry. Chances we get Halladay? -45%.

The thought that Seth McClung is good. Jonny Gomes? Really?

The flight of Prince's homer yesterday. It finally landed.

In other news, I got completely fucked up a 4 in the afternoon with my 75-ish year old grandma. I bet between 4 and 7 pm on Saturday, the 6 people that were playing dice had between 50 and 75 shots. I know I had 10. It was totally random.

HR King! No, Not Prince

Prince's homer/posing/bat flip was nice and all, but I'm far more impressed with the fact that Braden Looper leads the NL in home runs allowed. Lucky for him, he also leads the league in run support, so he is lucky not be like 2-10 right now. He is an absolute mystery wrapped inside a conundrum. Is he good? Does he suck total balls? Is he better/worse/same as Suppan? I personally believe that he is probably worse than Soup on the whole. Granted, Suppan can be absolutely awful, but he can be really good too. Looper gives us average and awful. He is a classic number 5 starter, except that he is our number 3 right now, which sucks. He did randomly have 3 hits last night, which for a pitcher is like going 8 for 8.

Seth McClung tried really, really hard to lose the game last night, but failed even at that. He continues to unimpress me.

Prince Can Hit the Ball Far

Is it strange to feel proud that Prince Fielder won the home run derby? Should I be as happy as I am being a Brewer fan? To be genuinely excited that he and Braun appear to like eachother as Braun was the first one to home plate (beating a bunch of shit head little kids) to do their little fake boxing match celebration? Does this mean that Prince would tell Scott Boras to get bent and take a small discount to stay in Milwaukee after his contract is up? A lot of unanswered questions that were spawned by a three hour long batting practice. Lets just hope Prince doesn't go Bobby Abreu a few years back and hit like 2 HRs after the break.

I'll probably watch most of the All-Star game tonight. Only because there isn't shit else to do, and summer TV is painful.

Nelson Cruz looked genuinely unhappy that Prince beat him. I heard last night that he is 29. Is that fucking true? Then I'm much less impressed with how far he can hit.

Chris Duncan is the most awkward professional baseball player ever...

Seriously, it's like watching me play baseball, this guy has zero coordination. Also Yadier Molina looks like he's just a fucking asshole. There's just something about him, who knows, he might be the nicest guy in the world, but he just gives me that premonition. Here he is laughing at a baby falling down a flight of stairs.

But enough trash talking, the Crew narrowly avoided a 3rd bases loaded, inning ending strikeout tonight when my boy Prince hustled his huge ass down the line and get an infield hit for the game winning RBI. Hoffman pitched the bases loaded and then Gamel damn near gave me a heart attack when Molina sliced that ball down third, but Mat fielded it perfectly and strolled over to third for the win. We needed this one big time, if we can get a W tomorrow we'll be back to tied for the NL Central lead.

I have complete and utter confidence that Manny Parra has figured it out from his 4 starts down in Nashville.

Oh yea, almost forgot, Shaq is obsessed with your mom comebacks. He's truly a man after my own heart.

Brewers Baseball: Rated R

The Crew has dominated Atlanta the past two nights. Other than Prince mashing, and playing a mean first base, one thing stood out to me. The tirade that Mike Cameron went on that got him kicked out of last night's game, in front of 40 of his closest friends and family. The following is not an exact transcript of the festivities, but it is close: "Fuck that! Fuck that! Fuck that! Fuck you! (to the ump, who tossed him), Fuck you! You fucking suck! You fucking suck!"

(Macha tripped trying to sprint out to get in between them, but it was too late, and he had to use Bill Hall in CF for the ninth of a three run game.)

Good thing Hoffman is unhittable. Look for a suspension for Cam, because he quite possibly bumped the umpire. It was awesome.

Miami Is Burning II: Attack of the Fatty Tumor

I totally forgot about Prince "Fatty Tumor" Fielder last night! He had given everyone so little to complain about this season (and really, he still hasn't), but last night he reappeared in all his glory. First and second, nobody out, and he decides out of the blue to try to steal fucking third base. It was totally the Willie Mays Hayes slide on Major League where the guy at third was waiting with the ball (except he didn't come up short on the slide).

THEN, in the midst of the Great Miami Fire of 2009, he let an easy grounder go through the wickets, that cost the Crew at least one, if not two runs.

In non Fatty Tumor related news, in that same Great Miami Fire of 2009, Braun and Cameron were both removed for injuries. If either is serious, that one single inning could have turned the entire Brewer season around.

PS. SportsBottle travels to every U.S. city at least once per year. And somehow fits in time for two week vacations to the tropics, keeping the streets safe from crime, and beating the bishop three times a day. He is an amazing human being.

PPS. So are we still going to Vegas October 22nd?

PPPS. Oh yeah, brother, I forgot to mention we definitely aren't going Labor Day anymore. SportsBottle managed to find one day out of the year that he can't get off.

People Who Live In Glass Houses

I've been known to make fun of Prince Fielder and CC Sabathia for being overweight. To be fair they are supposedly world class athletes, and have no reason to be large. I on the other hand, while still only about half the size of either of those two, am not exactly a model of human anatomy. I've often made jokes about my size and inability to refuse snacks. But, I haven't heard that Prince or CC have diagnosed health problems (except for the inability to tie their own shoes. Sorry.). I have seriously been told that I have to go on a diet. And I have been given no direction whatsoever. So I'm just trying to avoid things that I know are bad for me, while filling myself with the empty calories that exist in alcoholic beverages. So today is day one, and wouldn't you know it, more proof that (Sports Bottle's) god hates me. Some fucking bitch made a gigantic plate full of rice krispy treats WITH chunks of chocolate in them. Fucking whore. And now I have to walk by them 200 fucking times today and try to drum up the willpower to not stuff my fat face with like 12 of them. Goddamnit.

(Less) Fatty Tumor

Well, well, well. It appears the prospect of free agency in three years has caused our svelte friend to trade in at least 15 minutes every three days of eating Doritos, for walking on the treadmill at 2.3 miles per hour. Lets hope the lack of cheese stains on his fingers improves his fielding as well...

Let's also hope this goes better than when he tried to lose weight by becoming a "vegetarian". Seriously though, he just didn't know that chocolate didn't count as a vegetable.

I'm sure Bear is completely convinced this is going to work. And, it was written by Anthony Witrado, so it must be true.

Bear's Dream Come True

Now we have two years of watching him slowly eat himself to death! Seriously though, not a terrible deal for the Brewers, and it buys them some time to ship him off if they feel like it. Alot better than the $12 mil they had on the table before last year. Instead of costing them $36 mil, he will have cost us $18.67 mil. Not too shabby.

Fatty Tumor

I was just listening to this discussion on the radio on the way to work, and it occurred to me that everyone has forgotten about this. Prince Fielder is headed to arbitration with the Brewers, which is his right as a baseball player, and is expected to "aim high" and ask for like $8 mil per year. Everyone thinks that is a shitload of money, and it is, especially for a player with the limitations that Prince has. But I completely forgot that Fielder and his "genius" agent Scott Boras turned down a 5 year, $60 million dollar contract last year. Which, if you don't have a calculator handy, is TWELVE million per year.

Basically, what Prince is saying is "Fuck you Milwaukee and all of your fans. Fuck you for putting all the time and effort into developing me and trying to prevent me from eating myself to death by the age of 25. Fuck you for taking the chance on me despite my obvious limitations. Fuck all you fans for buying my jerseys, and spending money on tickets, and cheering for me. Fuck the fact that we have a young nucleus of players that just made the playoffs for the first time in 26 years. I am willing to take FOUR MILLION LESS this year, and probably next (unless I hit like 65 HRs, which isn't going to happen) to play out the string to get to free agency, to make MAYBE the same amount as you offered me last year, because I fucking hate being appreciated in Milwaukee that much."

Prince Fielder can eat a dick. I was at least a little on the fence about him, throughout Bear's relentless bashing of him last year. But this shit kind of offends me. So he's officially dead to me.

The Fat Man and The Old Man

Brett Favre and Prince Fielder. Apparently Brett's gone to Tampa Bay Your New York Jets!, they just got done working out a preliminary trade agreement this afternoon and he's out the door. Well, whatever I'll ignore that for now until something actually gets settled, so many people justifying their sports writer paychecks right now by reporting non stop on just 100% pure speculation bullshit.

On to the fat man. Did I not warn everyone I know at the beginning of this season that he was a fat piece of shit and a cancer? In fact that's his new nickname, Fatty Tumor. Here are some gems from Prince's media announcement today.

I've been playing with Manny since rookie ball. It's not like we hate each other. At least, I don't.

So this dumbass doesn't even know if a guy he's been playing with for over 4 years hates him? I can usually tell if someone hates me when I walk into a room.

No one will reveal the exact details but word has it that Fielder didn't like that Parra was headed to the clubhouse without staying on the bench to watch the top of the inning, especially after just surrendering six runs.

So Parra's upset about giving up six runs in an inning? Give him some fucking breating room. No one questions Prince's fat ass when he swears off meat, or stops paying his taxes, or misses every fucking ground ball that is hit more than 3 feet away from him on either side, much like what happened for a 2 run RBI single in the inning that Parra just gave up six runs.

Fielder said he had yet to sit down and talk with Parra about the altercation but indicated he planned to do so.

Wait, so you are giving a media interview about this altercation and you haven't sat down and talked to your own teammate about it? That's fucked up in my opinion. Take care of your shit internally first, then give the media their story after.

Now for Yost's drug induced coma of an interview.

Asked what would warrant removing a player from the lineup, Yost said, "non-hustle, being late, disrespecting the game in terms of hot dogging, no hustling, those types of things."

Apparently Yost is not a fan of his players not hustling.

"That one thing doesn't hurt his image. It was a mistake on both sides, one that I think both of them regret.

How the fuck was this Manny Parra's mistake? He got fucking shoved to the ground and almost sat on by a 320 pound tumor.

Oh well, none of this surprises me, I don't know if I can hate him anymore than I already did, however this is just one more thing to use in any discussion about why his new nickname is Fatty Tumor and why we should be shopping him for as much as we can get in the next season or two.