Cyberdine Is Just Around the Corner

I just had a revelation of sorts. If computers decided that they were going to become self-aware, and go on strike due to the long hours and shitty pay, humans would be fucked. The computers in my office had to be shut down for like 12 minutes this afternoon, and I felt completely and totally lost. Even though I had some work I probably could have done. I just sat and wondered about the above, complained about not having my task list to stare at, and ate some of the candy I was given as an early present for the anniversary Sports Bottle's God's Son rising from the dead.

But seriously. Even 20 years ago, how did people do ANYTHING at work? By hand? That is crazy. What did people do when they were pretending to work? I think that probably frightens me more than my DVR growing legs and murdering me for making it record PTI every day, and then erasing it without watching it.

I have come to the conclusion that I could not have functioned in the work place prior to 1995. Thankfully, I starting working at Dairy Queen in 1996, so I didn't have to find out. But I didn't need a computer to mix a Blizzard either.

BREW CITY RECAP IN ONE GIGANTIC RAMBLING PARAGRAPH

Went to the wedding. The only person I knew was this insane pot head chick from college, with a penchant for making up ridiculous lies, who I hadn't seen in 7 years that had gained about 60 pounds. I pounded 5 free Miller Lites, and braved the needless 45 minutes where the "bar was closed", which didn't make any sense at all. I then ate the buffet, which was pretty tasty. Sports Bottle picked myself and Mrs. Juice up. We went to a piano bar. Endured poor service and two drinks. Then we went to Milwaukee Ale House where we were duped into a $5.00 cover charge for a shitty classic rock cover charge. I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 pints of microbrew, and we stole a cab. We went back to the hotel, which reminded us all of the Overlook Hotel from The Shining. We put our chicks to bed and closed down the hotel bar after two or three vodka drinks. The bathroom had cloth towels instead of paper towels, and you literally took one or ten, and threw them into a hamper when you were done. It was insane. I face planted in the room, woke up drunk 8 hours later and made Mrs. Juice drive me home. Stopped at Taco Bell on the way home and spent the next 8 hours on the couch at home trying not to die. THE END.

We've Been Compromised! Abort?

I don't know if I've been unlucky, careless or I'm turning into Michael Jordan of pretending to work "Minor League Baseball Edition", but I've had a few inconveniences lately. Nothing major, but I'm a pretty paranoid guy.


Last Friday, UW was taking on Illinois in the Big Ten tourney. I was sitting at my desk, with the ESPN TV feed playing on my computer, while sort of working, albeit not real efficiently. My monitor is in the perfect location relative to the door to my office, meaning it faces away from the door. So nobody can really tell what is on the screen unless they come around to my side of the desk. Anyway, about half time of the Badger game, one of my bosses (who is a big sports fan, and who knows that I am too) pokes his head in and asks me what the score was. I was a bit flabbergasted. I'm not sure if he knew that I was keeping track and didn't care, but just wanted to know the score. Or if he just assumed? I sort of played dumb like I wasn't watching it on TV and told him "last time I checked the Badgers were down nine....". I hadn't left my desk so I'm positive he didn't know the extent of my slacking. I personally don't think there is anything wrong with monitoring a scoreboard every few minutes, but I'm not the boss either.


When the game was over, he poked his head in again and asked. This time, I was onto his game and told him I don't know. He seemed disappointed and confused by the answer. Then I decided I would be "helpful" and say "Let me check. " And then he came to my side of the desk while I pulled up the box score.

The second incident occurred yesterday. Thursday and Friday of the NCAA tournament are about my two favorite days of the year. In a past life, I would skip class/take off of work to watch all day long. In my current position I can't do that. What I can do, however, is manipulate my schedule so that I don't have any appointments and can be sitting behind my computer between the hours of 11 a.m. and 4 p.m., where I may or may not watch MMOD. So last night (yes, last night) one of my bosses decided to come into my office while I was in there to take a look at our calenders to see if they could pawn some stuff off on me this week. When they reached Thursday and saw 5 hours blocked off with no explanation, the question was "what is this?" I just said, I don't want any appointments. Then, they went to Friday and saw the same thing and said "You don't ever want appointments or what?" So that was awkward. Nothing incriminating, but one of those things that will probably cause the bosses to wonder what I'm doing during those hours. My only saving grace is that this particular boss is not a sports fan, and probably doesn't realize that there is basketball being played during those hours.

The question is: Is there any reason for me to be concerned? I say not because I have been working 60+ hours a week for the last 6 weeks, and I feel I deserve to fuck around for two half days. Thoughts?

DVR ALERT!!! Friday, beginning at 2 p.m. do not attempt to communicate with me in any way unless someone died. I will be going dark and will be watching the last three sessions of the tournament beginning at 6 p.m. as if they were happening live due to Bucky playing at 1:50 p.m. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

ST. PATTY'S DAY: Happy amateur hour! Even though I'm a quarter Irish, I don't need an excuse to get drunk. I prefer Wednesday as an excuse. While getting drunk on green beer is fun, it also brings out the assholes who can't handle their liquor and like to start fights. And it is annoying.

Rubber Match

#14 Wisconsin v. Illinois. 1 p.m.-ish. On my work computer. I've got yet another six pack of beer on the game with the FIB I work with. Oh, and said FIB showed up with a fluorescent orange Illinois shirt on. I told him he won't have to worry about getting shot by a hunter in the woods. I'm going to enjoy the beating. Feel free to text or email while the game is going on. I plan to pretend to work between 1 and 3 p.m. and I am not DVRing.

The Dog Days of March

This is the time of year where it starts to really suck working six days a week in an office. But it starts turning around a bit today. Why? Well because it is obviously a national holiday, that's why! My theory that any time a major American sport that doesn't normally play on a weekday afternoon, has a game on a weekday afternoon, nobody should have to work, kicks in today because of the Big East Tournament. Due to the fact that there are 7,543 teams in the Big East, their tournament starts on Tuesday afternoon. It all kicks off at 11 a.m. with South Florida v. De Paul. If you don't think I'm going to casually monitor that game, you are dead wrong.

So in the land of Juice, enjoy your day off America! Also, you have off tomorrow, Thursday and Friday for college hoop action. And a three day week next week with the opening of the NCAA tourney (which has mysteriously caused a block of "No appointments" on my calendar from 11 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. Thursday and Friday).

THREE QUICK ASIDES

Last night was one of the most classic episodes of 24 ever. This season has been extremely hit an miss, with a few great episodes and few really, really bad ones. Last night was classic. I hesitate to ruin the best parts for the other person in America that watches the show. But Bauer was great.

To keep on the 24 theme, I watched "Slumdog Millionaire" for the first time the other night. I actually really enjoyed it for some reason. Also, President Hassan on 24 is ruined for me now because he is the host of "Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?" in India on the movie. I can't take him seriously anymore.

Also, shout out to my brother for pointing out 1985 Bears v. Packers on NFL Network last night. I enjoyed the shit out of Jim Zorn behind the blocking of Ron Hallstrom handing off to Jessie Clark and passing to Phillip Epps for at least 45 minutes. Also, if the Packers can have legitimate cheerleaders in 1985, why can't we have them now?? Why do we trot out the fatties from UWGB in windpants???

ApocalyPS3 Now

Last night, I went to my PS3 and tried to play a game of MLB '09: The Show. It didn't work. Having played vids for about 20 years now, I didn't panic. This shit happens all the time with video game systems: see the classic blinking pink screen on Nintendo. Anyways, I stuck one of my other games in and it worked, so I did the whole reset, check for scratches on the disk, etc. thing and I still couldn't get it to work. I have actually had games for other systems that just "died" (which is scientific as hell) where I just couldn't play them anymore. I actually thought it would be a good opportunity to upgrade to '10 seeing as '09 was broken.

Today at lunch I was surfing around looking at video game review sites (which are the homepages on the six computers in my parent's basement) checking on release dates (tomorrow) for the baseball games. I fully intended to try it one last time tonight, and then buy the new game, after a short funeral for the old one. Then I read this. What. The. Fuck? ALL the fucking PlayStation 3s on earth are fucked? Really? This is either my worst nightmare or a reality check. I'm not sure which. Now I have to check back with Sony before I can even power the fucking thing on?

Today In Perverted Former Bucks

Alvin Robertson was probably the best player on the Bucks during my youth. I would say Robertson, Dale Ellis, Terry Cummings, Sidney Moncrief and Jack Sikma would be the starting five prior to the "Big Three" era. Alvin Robertson was on NBA Jam. He also likes young girls. And is still on the run in San Antonio. And this is the problem with Milwaukee, it can't get its professional players to stay in the community after retirement.

I'll Just Throw This Out There

I believe that Ryan Grant is an average running back. He is frustrating to watch in that he is not at all flashy, and rarely breaks tackles. He is an average receiver. He has average speed. It takes him an average of 10 games to get to his peak. He averages 2.9 yards a carry (not actually). He is the type of back that does nothing to scare another team, yet at the end of the year he has 1,200 yards and 8 TDs. By starting him and giving him 98% of the carries, the Packers are basically saying to the opponents "We are going to run it three times in the first quarter to keep you honest, and if we get up by three TDs we will run. Otherwise, you can expect a heavy dose of A-Rodg. Please plan accordingly." I don't necessarily hate this offense, even though it is predictable. But it would be nice to have some kind of threat or at least a change of pace. The majority of the teams that run effectively do it with more than one back. Brandon Jackson has shown some flashes, but isn't given much opportunity, and hasn't shown he can stay healthy when given 2 carries a game. Ahman Green was arguably more effective than Grant, but again, was not given an opportunity.

I think you know where I am going here. And because every sports talk radio program in the country is bringing it up, I figured I would give you the opinion of a card carrying member (it went through the wash and then was stolen, but still) of Packer Nation. Would the Pack consider signing LDT or Westbrook's corpse? How about Thomas Jones when he gets executed (figuratively) by the Jets later this week?

We need to make a few assumptions in order for this to work. First, lets assume that Ted Thompson knows how to use a phone. Or that at least he has gotten it fixed since he signed Woodson. Second, lets assume that those backs are willing to share time, and willing to do so at a reasonable price for a year or two in order for a shot at a title, and believe that the Packers have a chance to do that (which while not exceedingly likely, is not insane). Third, the backs are healthy enough to play part time (not a guarantee with Westbrook, who should probably retire before his brain completely leaks out of his head).

If all those conditions were met, the Packers definitely have to consider it. What could it hurt? Grant is already probably past his prime. And the Pack will be looking to the future either this year or next for a RB early-ish in the draft. If you aren't giving those backs 20 carries a game, I think they would be nice options to split time with Grant for a year. Windows in the NFL are extremely short, and I think the Pack has an opportunity to go for it in the next year or two. It might fail miserably, but I think it is a chance they should consider.

On the player's side, they need to take a look at Shaun Alexander (both famous in the OJSFA AND for some reason on a bag of Doritos the other day in a Seahawks uniform) and realize that they aren't going to get a huge payday from anyone. Also, off the top of my head, I can't think of a team that needs a running back bad enough to sign them to start.

LDT, Westbrook and Jones, even at 80% are just as good as Grant, and an upgrade over Jackson. If they aren't going to go there for whatever reason (someone could throw money at LDT, although I would be pretty surprised), I think they need to think about a back in the first half of the draft. It isn't their biggest need by any means, but it is a position that generally requires either a strong time share or a dominant star, and the Packers have neither.

Or they could just let A-Rodg throw it 50 times a game and try to break all of His records just to "get revenge" on Him. Either way I guess.

The La Crosse Theory

Thanks to Richard for the heads up on this. I really, really, don't have time to do this right now, but I am passionate enough about the cause that I'm going to help Richard out and regurgitate my theory, which I've probably already done somewhere.

A dude named Craig Meyers was found in the Mississippi River in La Crosse earlier this week. Craig was a 21 year old college student, appeared to be in decent enough shape, and had been out drinking in La Crosse. This makes the NINTH male in his early to mid-20's that allegedly got drunk and drown in the Mississippi River in La Crosse since 1997.

A little history may be in order here. I am a 2003 graduate of UW-La Crosse, as is Sports Bottle. Richard (frequent commenter, avid swimmer) is a 2004 graduate. From 1999 to 2003 (and often enough in 2004) we probably got drunk a minimum of three times a week, and often 4 or 5 times. I am going to say that the majority of those times we ended up in the main bar district area of La Crosse. I should also explain that when I say we got drunk, I don't mean that we got a little tipsy and crawled in a car with a DD or called a cab. I mean, we got annihilated and stumbled the half mile or so home in the middle of the night. People not from Wisconsin cannot comprehend how drunk we are capable of getting. Trust me, I lived in Nebraska for three years, those people have no clue what it means to be Wisconsin drunk. I'm not bragging, I'm just stating fact so that you can understand my theory here. Between Wednesday and Saturday nights in La Crosse (not unlike most college towns in Wisconsin) there are many, many drunk people milling around. Both men and women. In fact, my wife falls in nearly the same category as I do as far as getting super drunk in La Crosse and stumbling around town. So trust me when I tell you that there are not only guys blacked out and walking around. Some might say it is an epidemic, I call it fun, but that isn't the point.

If you aren't familiar with the layout of La Crosse, the campus of UW-La Crosse, and all of the living area where a college age student would be, starts about 24th street or so (24 blocks from the river). The bars/hotels are mostly on 3rd street (3 blocks from the river) and there are a few hotels on 2nd street (but there aren't really any bars closer than 3 blocks from the river). In order to get to the actual water of the river itself, you would have to walk through a park and down a fairly long/jagged pile of large rocks, or jump off of a bridge. There aren't any flat spots anywhere near the river for someone to decide to go swimming, and there aren't any spots that I know of other than a bridge, where you could jump straight down into the river.

So now that you have that general frame of reference, here is the theory. The only explanation that makes any sense is a female serial killer. Follow me here. I estimate that I've been super duper drunk approximately 450 times in La Crosse (12 times a month, 10 months, 4 years) which may even be conservative. I have never even ONCE wandered the wrong direction towards the river. And if you did, you would immediately notice that there are a) no lights in that direction and b) a large body of water in front of you. But even if you think: "Hey asshole, what if these guys can't hand their booze as well as you and are so blacked out that they aren't sure where they are, or are unfamiliar?" First, I would submit that it is pretty rare for someone in their 20's to get that drunk all by themselves. Usually at least ONE person would be with them. And my understanding is that all of the victims here were familiar with the area. I also find it a little too convenient that the victims were all 1) male; 2) early to mid 20's; 3) in fairly decent shape. I think the thing that makes the least sense is that all of the victims are male. There is no lack of females drunk and at the bars in La Crosse. There is no way that if this was all about drinking that there wouldn't be at least ONE female victim. So my theory is that there is a female serial killer (whether part of a larger group or not, I dunno) that is meeting these guys at the bar and luring them away from the group and somehow drugging them with something untraceable, and pushing them into the river. The victims never have injuries, never have any drugs in their systems, never are anything but drunk. Maybe one of these people actually wandered into the river. Maybe one killed themselves by jumping off of a bridge. But NINE???? No fucking way. Finally, consider the layouts of other campuses/bar areas in the state for a moment:

Green Bay: bar district one block from the Fox River, on BOTH sides of the river
Eau Claire: giant fucking river/narrow walking bridge that is heavily traveled over said river
Milwaukee: Water Street anyone? Many, many other bars on bodies of water.
Appleton: Bars about three blocks from the River, college campus right on it.
Oshkosh: drunk people and water all over town
Madison: two fucking lakes basically right on campus
River Falls: I presume there is a river somewhere
Menominee: River

Number of drunk/drowning deaths that I'm aware of: ZERO. I'm not 100% positive on most of the places, but I'm positive on Green Bay and Appleton. This just doesn't happen anywhere else. People that blame drinking problems in La Crosse for these deaths can't explain this factor to me.

I'm really, truly not trying to make light of this. I'm dead serious. I feel terrible for the families of these guys, and I'm just trying to make sense of this while the media and police treat the victims like irresponsible, drunken assholes.

There are just too many coincidences here for me. Now, I should probably get going before I get fired.

Thoughts from other UW attendees? Wisconsin bar patrons?

My Brain Has Been Violated

I watched the two hour "Lost" premier last night. "Lost" is probably my favorite show, or at least it is in the conversation. It is like watching a movie every week. It is generally amazing. But I am just completely lost on Lost. I just have no idea what the fuck is going on, or what is supposed to be going on, or what is going to happen next. It is just a lot of work to watch the show, even though the two hours went by in what felt like 15 minutes. Has my brain been turned to mush? Shouldn't I appreciate a show that isn't made for total idiots? (See 98% of America?). I guess I'm just frustrated because I know this is the last season and I'm supposed to be getting "answers" to the "questions". I'm just not sure I know what the questions are, or how the answers could possibly satisfy me. The whole two hours last night just seemed like one random occurrence after another, all of which made me say "What the fuck?". I'm not going to give anything away because some may have chosen to DVR, but in one episode we have dealt with: time travel, possible alternate realities, talking to dead people, seeing dead people, Christ figures, raising the dead and transferring of souls. I have this uneasy feeling that we are on a runaway train that is going to come to an abrupt, unsatisfying stop. I don't see any way that the finale isn't going to leave me disappointed. My brain was raped last night. I'm sure my brother has some fascinating theories because he is alot smarter about these kinds of things than I am.

I missed out on one of the best Badger performances ever, the ass kicking of Michigan St. This was mostly due to my decision that the "Lost" premier was slightly more important in the grand scheme of things. That, and by the time I caught up to lost in real time, our fucking DVR was also recording "Teen Mom" (seriously). I followed the score on my BlackBerry, but I missed out. Impressive win though. When Leuer comes back, I would not want to play Bucky.

ONE OTHER RANDOM THOUGHT

I've heard that the NCAA is more than seriously considering expanding the basketball tourney to 96 teams, and spreading out coverage to cable as well. I'm really not sure how I feel about this. On one hand, if it ain't broke don't fix it. I think it is perfect right now. On the other hand, you can't ever have too much of a good thing. I fear it will turn getting to the "Big Dance" into making a "Bowl Game". Unless you really suck balls, you would get in. I guess it would allow more teams to win, but unless they place some kind of rules on qualification (nobody under .500 in conference unless you are a conference champion) then what is the point? Is it just an excuse to make sure that a shitty UNC team can go 7-9 in a pretty tough ACC and get in? Or is it to not fuck over deserving mid-majors that win 25 games and get left out? I'm leaning towards staying the course (except for changing the play-in game to be for a 12 seed between the last two in) until I see some other details. Also, how strange would the tourney on TNT be???

Piling On Day 2

HAH!

Can't Blame The Kid

I would drink too if I was Chilly's kid. And I would want to take a whole bunch of Viqueens fans with me, since they are universally terrible human beings and it is well known that they kill baby seals.

It is a little unclear whether the drinking/murder-suicide attempt (definition of DUI) was the result of: a) being Chilly's kid; b) Chilly's beard; c) Chilly cheating on his mom with He Who Shall Not Be Named. To be continued (or not).

The Curious Case of Pro Bowl 2010

So the Pro Bowl rosters were announced yesterday, as were the alternates. I generally don't care about the Pro Bowl as it is a joke. The game itself is clearly the worst of any major sport. It really can't even be considered "football" and should be just turned into a flag football game or trivia contest or something, because risking injury in this exhibition is borderline insane. More than 50% of the players that get voted onto the roster smartly choose not to show up, which in turn creates like 150 guys each year that can call themselves Pro Bowlers. And seriously, I encourage players voted in to show up in street clothes and stand on the sidelines, and sign autographs or whatever, and enjoy the free trip to South Beach. With the way the NFL is structured (no guaranteed contracts), players really shouldn't show up (unlike the NBA or MLB where the opposite is true).

The starters and immediate backups seem generally sensical. I'm sure there are some exceptions but I will leave that to fans of other teams that care. I do care about Packers that were named as starters/reserves/alternates because it does legitimize to some extent how good a player is, especially since coaches and players are 66% of the vote (although probably less than 50% put any thought into it at all, but it is much better than fan voting, because I voted for all Packers). Rodgers, Woodson and Collins being on the roster gets no argument from me. All are deserving. I suppose you could make some solid arguments for some other players. When I saw the rosters, everything was hunky dory, until I saw the Packers that were named alternates.

I presume the alternates are named the same way that the starters and reserves are named. The alternates do not actually get to call themselves "Pro Bowlers" until someone on the roster fakes an injury and needs to be replaced. Historically most of the alternates make it to Hawaii (this year Miami). So this is where I got confused. The named alternates for the Packers were: Clay Matthews (well deserved, at the least. Other than Woodson, probably the most impactful player on the defense), Chad Clifton, Ryan Grant and A.J. Hawk.

Clay Matthews is well deserving. It is pretty tough to evaluate players against each other generally. Especially on defense where statistics don't tell alot of the story. Ten sacks though is pretty good.

Chad Clifton is probably not deserving. He was oft penalized. If I had to go offensive line on the Pack I would probably say Josh Sitton. But o-line is near impossible to evaluate. I can't get too broken up about this.

Ryan Grant. It has been pretty well documented how I feel about him. But putting personal feelings aside, pretending I never saw him play, and just looking at pure numbers this season, he was pretty good. 1,200 yds (3rd in NFC), 10 TDs (4th) and somehow averaged 4.4 yards a carry. Statistically, I guess he deserves this. If you actually watch a Packer game, especially games 1 through 12, you realize that this is a joke. The only time he looks legit is when he doesn't get touched, which didn't start happening (and never happens in GB for some reason) until late November. Before that he was borderline terrible. He's average at best. But I can't really argue with him being named an alternate. Begrudgingly.

The entire reason I wrote this post was A.J. Hawk. I want to preface this by saying that I don't HATE A.J. Hawk. When the Packers drafted Hawk, I could not have had higher hopes. My wife got me a Hawk jersey that I wear every Sunday (because that is what I have, not because I'm still a giant fan). He has cool hair. He was a borderline celebrity because his wife wore that ridiculous jersey to the Ohio St./Notre Dame game. He is a gigantic human being. But if we are going to be honest here, he has been a bit of a disappointment. I don't want to say bust because he has started since day one, and has been an average NFL linebacker. I think we single him out for ridicule because of the high pick, and because of the high pick money he makes. If he was an undrafted free agent, he would not be criticized at all. That being said, it is still possible he doesn't deserve to start (Desmond Bishop was a BEAST in the preseason, and if playing time was based only on those four games, Bishop would be starting instead of not playing at all). This is a bit of a weak argument because I don't think McCarthy is an idiot. I think that if someone was better, Hawk would not be starting. I do think he is AT BEST the third best linebacker on the team behind Matthews and Barnett, and arguably fifth, behind Chillar and Jones. Hawk struggles in coverage, and isn't that impactful in any part of the game. I know statistics don't tell the story, but Hawk is nowhere to be found on the leaderboard in tackles, interceptions, sacks, forced fumbles. On the Packers, Barnett is in the top 20 in the NFC in tackles (only 8 more than Hawk). If there was a stat for being four yards behind a TE in coverage, Hawk would be near the top. If there was a stat for "times you blitzed and got stoned by a RB" he would probably lead the league. If you watch Packer games (and I do), you would realize that Hawk is not a Pro Bowl caliber LB.

This is a dumb argument because these players don't play the same positions for the most part, and there may be more talent at other positions, but if I had to pick other players on the roster more deserving of a Pro Bowl alternate tag than Hawk, they would be as follows : Jermichael Finley, Josh Sitton, Johnny Jolly, Ryan Pickett, Cullen Jenkins, Nick Barnett, Brad Jones (quite a few sacks, and I don't see him getting completely toasted in coverage), Tramon Williams, Jarrett Bush (just kidding), Mason Crosby (not really). Do any of those players really deserve it? I don't know, but they all are in the conversation, and all have had better years than Hawk.

My wife was so incensed by the situation, she sat and tried to figure out how it was possible that he was named an alternate. Here is what she came up with:

1) He is in that United Way commercial with Antonio Gates, so voters must've seen it and assumed he is good.

2) Voters heard that he sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber.

3) He is a semi-celebrity because he is Brady Quinn's brother in-law.

4) He has long hair, and the longer your hair, the better people think you are.

I added:

5) Voters thought we were voting based on tape from 2005 Ohio St. games.

OTHER STUFF

I better get to work, but Bucky dominated Miami last night. That game was nowhere near as competitive as the final score showed, even if they made the ending exciting.

No Way

Also, Bill Hancock, executive director of the BCS, is an idiot. SHOCKED that he can't conceive of a way that a playoff would work. I challenge him to explain to me how Juice's Dream D-I NCAA Football Get Together is not something that could work immediately.

Honeymoon Over?

I sincerely hope that this is true. And judging by His comments it is. I hate to say I told you so, and it is probably too early to do so, so I won't. Yet. Can anyone start to see why the people who run the show in Green Bay maybe were getting sick of Him? All it took was losing 2 out of 3. What happens if the cold weather gets to him next week? If Philly catches them? If they had to play AT Philly in round 2?? It warms the cockles of my heart. That shitstorm would be tremendous.

Big Ten Engorgement

I figured I would put up a sports related post while mailing in this afternoon with the Penske file wide open on my desk.

The Big Ten possibly adding a twelfth team fascinates me for some reason. I'm all for them doing it. Why not? Why not just add 7 more teams? Who cares? How about adding a team, then combining with the other Big 12 to become the Big 12 North, and they can be the Big 12 South? Why not add 53 and just have your own little NCAA tournament every year and declare the conference champion the national champion?

But seriously, I'm just mostly curious who they add. Here is a list of teams that have been mentioned, and how it would help the Big Ten or Not. Keep in mind there are about 1,200 other NCAA sports not named football, and in almost all cases, all of those other sports are coming along. But I'm only going to relate the term "athletics" with Men's basketball and football, because those are the only ones I care about. Also, I have very little knowledge of any of these schools, so I am going to make large, sweeping assumptions based purely on reputation and speculation.

Notre Dame: I'm not really sure who Notre Dame thinks they are. They have a shitload of football tradition. They have a large/rich alumni base. I get all that. But I don't really get the way that they just dismiss the possibility by acting all superior like the Big Ten is so far beneath them. Let me tell you something Notre Dame: The Big Ten has all the history and tradition you have, and then some. We also have superior academics, and larger alumni bases. And our own fucking channel. For ALL sports. Now that I got that out of the way, I would love to see Notre Dame. They fit well geographically, athletically and academically. Built in rivalries with Michigan, Purdue, Michigan St. and Penn St. Would not need to be forced. Will never do it.

Missouri: They've emerged as the prohibitive favorite I guess. They are a little far south for my liking. Athletically they are probably middle of the road at best. They've had some great years in both sports, but also some historically shitty ones. I hear they have good academics. Sound interested, but it would be an odd move.

Kansas: Too far away. Basketball is good enough that they could go on another 10 year losing streak post-Mangino in football, and it would be worth it. Academics would fit in. Probably would never do it.

Iowa St.: Haven't heard them mentioned, but I don't know why. Academically and geographically would fit in perfectly. A nice built in rivalry with Iowa. Athletics have been pretty weak at least recently. Should do it.

Nebraska: I would love to kick their ass, especially in football. The basketball program is a disaster. Traditionally, the football team would fit in perfectly. Probably too far west. Academically good. Good fit, but too many Big 12 rivalries.

Texas: Seems like a huge stretch. Superior to the Big Ten athletically. Academics on par with the best. Way too far south. Not a chance.

Pitt: Geographically acceptable with Penn St. involved. Athletically they would fit in well. Don't know anything about academics. I would think they would pass.

Syracuse: Basketball powerhouse, football shithouse (at least for the last 5 years). Don't know much academically. Geographically, less than great but not that bad I suppose. I can't see them leaving the Big East purely because of basketball.

Rutgers: Why? The New York market? New York doesn't give a shit about college sports. ESPECIALLY football. Academically I guess they are good. Athletically, I'm going to say they are below average at best. A recent resurgence in football, and they've struggled recently in basketball. Rumored one of the favorites. They would probably do it.

West Virginia: Geographically too far East. I feel their academics are inferior. Athletically, they would definitely hang. More interesting case, they might do it. But the Big East is just so good in basketball, it would be hard to give that up.

VERDICT

If they are doing this only for football, it is incredibly short sighted. Most schools not named Notre Dame, and I don't know if there are others, would not want to be in two different conferences. That being the case, the Big East is out. A Big East school would be insane to leave that conference for basketball. Which, includes Notre Dame.

Seriously I think that Iowa St. and Missouri make the most sense. I say they don't invite anyone again.

Oh Oh!

Are we in Russia? How do you think my employer would feel about the fact that not only do I run one of the most successful Fantasy Football leagues in the history of fantasy football (OJSFA), but I'm in at least 3 others, as well as 2 basketball leagues, 2 baseball leagues, and I write this blog which discusses (amongst other things): fantasy football, gambling, work sucking, not working at work, and bosses being assholes.

2009 OJSFA Awards Extravaganza!!

You are looking live! At the 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association Awards Extravaganza/Red Carpet Special/After Party! This year's ceremony is taking place at the illustrious Stadium View Bar & Grill in beautiful Green Bay, WI. Wind chills are a mere -10. Without further ado, your hosts: Kanye West (gay fish) and Alleged Tiger Woods mistress #11!

We will start with the biggest award, and arguably the most controversial. The O.J. Simpson Award. This award is given to the Most Valuable Player in the league, which is determined to be the highest scoring player on the team with the best record in the league. I didn't make up the rules (I did), but they must be followed.

The winner this year: Tom Brady. Brady arguably had about the 5th or 6th best season as far as QBs go. And not even close to his best season. Yet he was the best player on a shitty best team in the league, so he wins his second MVP in three years. Also he has gone MVP, LVP, MVP in consecutive years. Which is crazy. Chris Johnson just shot his pistol into the air and said: "Fuck the rules". Kanye went on a ten minute rant about how I don't care about black people because I gave the award to the white QB even though Johnson was clearly superior.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Phillip Rivers

The next award is the Ryan Leaf Award for the Least Valuable Player. This is a player drafted in the first three rounds, with the least number of points. This is a great award, because there is always a good candidate, even though it is arguably an award for the best player to get injured and fuck a team. Of course, this year, Bear had the MVP AND LVP, so it obviously doesn't mean much if you are omnivorous and make a few lucky moves.

This year's winner is Brian Westbrook who has been gunning for this award for years, and has finally injured every part of his body.

Past Winners:

2006: Domanick Davis (RIP, possibly killed by Marvin Harrison)

2007: Marvin Harrison

2008: Tom Brady

The next award goes to the highest scorer regardless of team affiliation. It is named after a dude who scored more than any other dude ever, Wilt Chamberlain. Although we may consider renaming it after Tiger Woods. Alleged Mistress #11 says: "No you diin't".

Drew Brees wins this for the second straight year. He is really good. Also, his team, The No Talent Ass Clowns, missed the playoffs again. To be fair, this team scored a lot more than my team did, but had a worse record.

Past Winners:

2006: LaDanian Tomlinson

2007: Tom Brady

2008: Drew Brees

This next award is an inside joke to Packer fans, that relived itself when the Packers played the Lions. It is the Marquand Manuel Award given to the best "sleeper pick" in the draft, which is a player drafted in the 10th round or later with the most points. It is tied to Marquand Manuel because he would often be caught napping in the secondary and let receivers streak past him for TDs even though a safety is never supposed to let anyone deeper than him on the field. Somehow, the Lions were bad enough that he reappeared this year as a freaking starter, and the Packers promptly exploited the matchup for a deep TD, much to my delight.

This year's winner did not even start for his team, but the rules are once again the rules, so the winner is Matt Schaub, who sat behind Chamberlain Award winner Drew Brees. The list of past winners is pretty impressive, which might mean big things for Schaub next year.

Past winners:
2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Tony Romo

2008: Aaron Rodgers

The next award is the Sports Bottle Award, which goes to the Rookie of The Year. It is named after Sports Bottle because he went 2-14 in 2006, so he had obviously never played fantasy football before.

This year's winner is Percy Harvin, who is the first WR to win the award. Fuck him.

Past Winners:

2006: Maurice Jones-Drew

2007: Adrian Peterson

2008: Matt Forte

The penultimate award is the Kobe Bryant Award for the most ass raping-ist trade (allegedly). Lack of any real good candidates this year, but there was one trade so someone has to win.

This year the award goes to Twinkie for trading me Kevin Walter for Rashard Mendenhall before the season began. To be fair, neither player lasted more than a few weeks on either team. Basically, Tom Brady is somehow involved every other year, so Bear needs to trade him in the offseason. Also, in four years Bear to my brother has won twice, and a Twinkie/me trade has been involved twice. Someone else should make a trade.

Past winners:

2006: Shaun Alexander (Bear) to my brother for Brady/Andre Johnson
2007: Lawrence Maroney (Me) to Twinkie for Torry Holt

2008: Brady/L. Coles (Bear) to my brother for Big Ben/Reggie Wayne

The final award pains me to give out. It is the Reggie White Award for the free agent pick up of the year. It is the player who was undrafted, who scored the most points. This year's winner also did not play on his team and sat the bench all year because he had a far superior QB ahead of him, which in this case is really, really ironic.

The winner is He Who Shall Not Be Named, who sat behind Aaron Rodgers on Schmock's Team. I hope he dies. The past winners include a dog killer, a shitty QB and a Jesus freak with 12 kids.

Past Winners:

2006: Michael Vick

2007: Derek Anderson

2008: Kurt Warner

Daily Wagering 12/11

Fuck over 196.5. Fuck Colorado. Go Penguins.

The "free money" was a bonus I received for making at $100 deposit. I took the $10 bonus and bet on the Penguins straight up. I won about $6.50. I keep the $6.50 but don't get the $10 back. Fair enough.

Tonight - 3 team NHL parlay, 4 team NBA parlay, 3 team NCAA bball parlay. I don't have it in front of me right now so I don't know the specifics. I'm not in a place where it would be wise to check info like that.

China Is Awesome

In case you missed it:

Karl Malone Has Nothing On Me

I thoroughly and completely mail it in every single Friday afternoon. I came in this morning with good intentions. I really did. In fact, I was here by 6:45 am because I was a bit stressed because I had been at a seminar for the past two days. I came to work with a pile of mail and a pile of phone messages to respond to. I plowed through most of that before lunch. Got the important stuff done. And then I ate lunch. And, like every other Friday, I completely lost any desire to do anything.

Not that I typically have much desire to do anything, but by about 2 on every Friday, my brain is toast, I am physically tired, I am looking forward to whatever I'm doing this weekend, and the bosses are sneaking out the back door to begin their weekends.

Also, I occasionally get a random Blackberry messages from my brother that have pictures of a 4-pack of Sparks attached to them at 3:30 pm. I still have no clue why he sent me this picture like 8 minutes ago.

All of this makes it even HARDER to work on Friday. I just surf the web, stare at the clock and try to pretend I'm busy because I sort of need a job in order to make money in order to pay bills.

Friday afternoons were created by Satan (Bear) himself.