2/16 Morning Juice

-Interesting-ish week in sports. We've got three USA hockey games (Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday), two Badger basketball games (Thursday at Minnesota, Sunday at home v. Northwestern) and I'm sure Creighton probably plays (they are frustrating as shit and I feel I'm becoming bandwagon because I haven't followed all that close, and they are easy to ignore when they are average, P.S. they play nationally popular Northern Iowa tonight). Also, pitchers and catchers on Saturday.

-If the US manages to be in medal round contention by Sunday (not a guarantee, because it is my understanding that they are extremely young), I think it will be probably the second most excited I've ever been for a hockey game. They play Canada who is 1) the favorites; 2) the host and 3) our geographic "rivals". The most excited ever was when the Badgers were in the National Championship game a few years back, which marked the only Badger hockey game I've ever seen sober. There is going to be all sorts of hype around the game and I bet the crowd will be ridiculous. I'm hoping to catch the two weekday games on the DVR.

-Figure skating is awful.

-I'm actually excited for the Brewers to play a spring training game. I'm obviously retarded.

I like what they did in the offseason. They addressed some holes (Looper, Suppan?). Although Wolf and Davis aren't stellar by any means, I can't believe they will be worse, and even average would be an improvement. If Gallardo can a) stay healthy and b) stop throwing 130 pitches through 5 innings, Parra taps into his potential by even getting to average, and somehow Suppan dies and Bush/Narveson/mystery pitcher number 5 can pitch into the 5th without giving up 5 homers on even a semi-regular basis, we should win 5 more games based on pitching alone.

Hitting wise, it is hard to imagine the new 93 year old catcher being worse than Kendall, although I'm sure we will lose a few HBP. We will make up the HBP with a full season (hopefully) from Weeks. Weeks was awesome last year before going down, but it felt a bit like a fluke since I hated him prior to last season. Only a full season from Weeks (which seems unlikely) at his early last season performance would be a true improvement at 2B. Is Escobar better than Hardy? I would say defensively it is probably a wash. Speed is a definite improvement. Hitting? Potentially. Hardy was extremely streaky, and could carry a team for a few weeks by himself. But he was also terrible at times. I would settle for mediocre if he steals a bunch of bases (if Macha lets him). 3B is going to be about the same as last year. I doubt McGehee is going to replicate last season, but Gamel should be improved just based on hype. Bruan is great in LF, Fielder is great at 1B. Hart is slightly below average in RF, but possibly Gerut (who got alot better late last year) and Edmonds (assuming he can man an outfield with a walker) could give some much needed competition. The real key I think is going to be Gomez. Is he any good? I know he's fast, and good on D. But is the speed going to make up for the 25HRs that we would've gotten from Cameron? This feels like my big concern for the offense.

In the bully, we probably got a little better with the addition of Hawkins. Lets just pray (to SportsBottle's god) that Hoffman stays healthy.

Wow. This turned into a whole Brewer season preview accidentally. I'm seeing 80 to 85 wins, and being in a wild card conversation late. The playoffs feel possible if Gallardo turns into an All-Star (not out of the question), Braun and Fielder stay healthy, and Parra/Escobar/Gomez live up to expectations. Which is coincidentally, why baseball still sucks. Because teams like Milwaukee need everything to go right, while the Yanks and Sox can afford for almost nothing to go right, and still get to the postseason.

-I'm hoping to make a few trips to Miller Park (anyone interested?), a trip to the new Target Field for Brewers/Twins/blackout drunk in May, and a trip to Petco in San Diego for a random Padres game in May or June this season.

Quick Championship Weekend Preview

It sucks both games are on Sunday. They really should stretch this thing out over two days. Also, UW tried and failed to schedule their weekend game during the football games for the 12th time in 13 weeks, but the NFL tricked them by starting the first game on Sunday at 2:30 instead of Noon. So only half of the UW-Penn St. game (1:30) will be on at a time when nobody that is not an immediate family member of a player will be watching. I think I could double their ratings if I was in charge of Big Ten scheduling.

Picks:
Last Week: 3-1
Playoffs: 4-4
Season: 117-118-4
All-Time: 251-244-6

COLTS/JETS

Super Bowl III rematch! Except that at least 50% of the players involved are dead and the other 50% are so messed up from long term football injuries that they don't remember the game! Except Joe Namath, who's steady diet of booze and vag chemically altered his brain cells and proved a cure for concussions. I like watching the Jets D play, and Rex Ryan is crazy. I just don't see Payton Manning losing this. He is a cyborg. Even though the game should end up being relatively close, I still feel like the Jets are maybe a slightly worse version of the Ravens on offense. And the Ravens put up 3 points last week. I like the Colts (-7.5).

VIQUEENS/UNITED STATES' TEAM

My feelings and rooting interests are well documented. REALLY well documented. The Saints are better on offense than anything the Vikings have faced all year. They can run and pass. The key I think is keeping Brees upright. The Vikes got to ROMO last week, but IN MY MIND, THE COWBOYS RECEIVERS SUCK, AND THE O-LINE WAS A DISASTER. Brees HAS RIDICULOUS RECEIVERS, AND A COMPETENT, UNINJURED O-LINE. Brees ALSO has BETTER accuracy, and BETTER coaches THAN ROMO. If Brees doesn't get Jared Allen's bloody/hairy gash rubbed in his face, I don't think I care what the Vikings do on offense (and I do think they will score). He Who Shall Not Be Named has done nothing to lead anyone to believe he will shit himself and throw a bunch of picks. But historically, he has done just that in every playoff appearance since 1999. The Saints are not particularly good on defense, and don't match up well with the Vikings, but Darren Sharper plays a mean center field, and I feel like he is good for at least one pick of his "friend" (note: He had no friends, because he is a prick. On his first opportunity, He would fuck Sharper's wife and molest his kids.) I like the Saints (-3.5). GEAUX SAINTS!! (ED. NOTE: I never said these previews weren't incredibly biased and highly prejudicial.)

Packer Preview

I'm going to say 28-10 Packers. Didn't manage to get tickets, so I'll be watching from home. Seattle is just not very good at all. This was the shortest preview ever.

OJSFA Playoff Previews!

RIP Billie Jean (8-6) at Jolly Pharmaceuticals (9-5)

One of these teams will become the first team to get to its second championship. The other will be ridiculed. Twinkie (alleged Bastard) v. Bear (definitely sometime Bastard)

History: Series tied 4-4
Playoff History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
Recent History: Billie Jean won both meetings
Key Players: Billie Jean: WR duo of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald; Jolly: MVP QB Tom Brady
Odds: Billie Jean by 7 1/2, O/U 262.5

Faribault Frauleins (8-6) at Clown Baby (9-5)

Loaf Cobra, a dude who used to blog on this site and who's name appears to the left, has defied the odds and made the playoffs in his franchise's second year. He's playing by brother, the Unknown QB.

History: Series tied 1-1
Playoff History: None
Recent History: Faribault won the only meeting this season. By 67 points.
Key Players: Clown Baby RB Chris Johnson; Faribault has RB Ray Rice
Odds: Clown Baby by 1, O/U 280.5

Quick OJSFA Week 3 Preview

Not alot of time the rest of the week, so I'm tossing this up quick now.

GAME OF THE WEEK

Heywood Jablome (1-1) v. No Talent Ass Clowns (1-1)

Top two teams in the Ron Goldman Division. The Ass Clowns figured out in week 1 how not to be terrible (Have Brees throw 5 TDs). Heywood dislikes wildcats.

Line: Ass Clowns by 5 1/2
History: Heywood leads 1-0

OTHER GAMES

Marino For Prez (1-1) v. RIP Billie Jean (2-0)

For some reason it seems illogical that Billie Jean is the only undefeated team, even though he was runner up last year. Perhaps it is that he is imaginary, and has lived in Wyoming, North Dakota, Nebraska, western Minnesota and the moon.

Line: Billie Jean by 14
History: Billie Jean leads 1-0

A-Rodg's Grapefruit (1-1) v. Faribault Frauleins (1-1)

Not much to say other than I've been to Faribault, MN and it sucks. Oh, and this will be the Grapefruits last game because the owner is going to Oktoberfest and can't swim.

Line: Grapfruits by 4 1/2
History: A-Rodg leads 3-0

Clown Baby (1-1) v. Jolly Pharmaceuticals (0-2)

Jolly Pharmaceuticals is an abomination as a team, and it is quite possible they may be contracted. Or moved to L.A. All of their home games have been blacked out, because its only fans are toothless, laid off, minimum wage, sweatshop workers. All of whom hate football.

Line: Jolly by 15
History: Jolly leads 3-2

SHIT GAME OF THE WEEK

The White Broncos (1-1) v. Schmock's Team (1-1)

Statistically, two awful teams. Also, they just played last week and the Broncos kicked the shit out of them.

Line: Even
History: Schmock leads 4-2

Picks and Preview

Ten (-6.5), NO (Pk), NE (-3.5), GB (-9), Oak (+3), Jax (-3), Min (-10), Atl (-6), Was (-9.5), Buf (-5), Sea (+1.5), SD (-3), Den (-3), Pit (-3), NYG (+2.5), Ind (-3)

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 6-10
All-Time: 140-136-7

PACKERS V. BENGALS BREAKDOWN

Packers Running O v. Bengals Running D

Edge: Bengals. Ryan Grant = Yawn

Packers Passing O v. Bengals Passing D

Edge: Packers. A-Rodg is going to go mental assuming he isn't killed by whomever lines up across from Barbre.

Packers Running D v. Bengals Running O

Edge: Push

Packers Passing D v. Bengals Passing O

Edge: Bengals. Ocho and Chris Henry are pretty good. Pack was a little shaky when Cutler had any time at all, or when the weren't intercepting.

Special Teams

Edge: Bengals. I wouldn't be angry if we were looking to dump Crosby. No confidence at all.

Coaching

Edge: Packers. Marvin Lewis is not a good coach.

Weather

Edge: Push

Intangibles

Edge: Push. Packers crowd won't be that crazy because a) it is a Milwaukee game, b) we are playing the Bengals. Also, I think Ocho is already in their heads. Unless he does a leap and is murdered. Then I'm giving a slight edge to the Packers.

Prediction: Packers 34, Bengals 20

BADGERS

Playing something called Wofford. Badgers 41, Wofford 17

Coming Tomorrow (probably): OJSFA Week 2 Preview

NFL Predictions

Looking to improve on last year's abortion.



NFC East

1) Giants 11-5

2) Eagles 10-6

3) Cowboys 8-8

4) Redskins 6-10



NFC West

1) Seahawks 10-6

2) Cardinals 9-7

3) 49ers 6-10

4)Rams 4-12



NFC North

1) Packers 10-6

2) Bears 10-6

3) Queens 8-8

4) Lions 3-13



NFC South

1)Falcons 12-4

2) Saints 10-6

3) Panthers 7-9

4) Bucs 5-11



AFC North

1) Steelers 13-3

2) Ravens 11-5

3) Bengals 6-10

4) Browns 4-12

AFC South

1) Texans 11-5

2) Colts 11-5

3) Titans 9-7

4) Jaguars 8-8

AFC East

1) Patriots 14-2

2) Dolphins 7-9

3) Bills 6-10

4) Jets 3-13

AFC West

1) Chargers 13-3

2) Broncos 6-10

3) Chiefs 5-11

4) Raiders 2-14

Playoffs:

Wild Card

Packers over Bears
Seahawks over Eagles
Texans over Colts
Chargers over Ravens

Divisional

Falcons over Seahawks
Packers over Giants
Patriots over Texans
Steelers over Chargers

Conference

Falcons over Packers
Patriots over Steelers

Super Bowl

Patriots over Falcons

The Promised Crew v. Twinkie preview

Sometimes, 3 out of 162 baseball games carry so much emotion and hatred that it calls for a preview by somebody that doesn't really have any special knowledge of the game. Someone who is sitting on the couch watching people floating down the fucking street in a canoe (I'm not fucking kidding, I just saw it on TV) There is allegedly 6 fucking FEET of water on Highway 41 in Fond du Lac. OK, well the apocalypse aside, here is your goddamn preview.

The Twinks lucked the fuck out by missing Sheets. I'm just sayin'.

Game 1: Kevin Slowey (2-6, 5.15) v. Dave Bush (2-6, 5.85)

This game will be like watching old people fuck. Not very much fun, but with all the homers flying out it will be like a car crash where you can't turn away. I'm glad the Twins have a 6 game loser too.

Not many Brewer at bats v. Slowey. Hall, Hardy and Hart have pounded him (in their 3 or 4 at bats). Team OPS is 1.151 v. Retardey errrr. ...I mean Slowey.

Again not much Twins v. Bush (and I think it is mostly because they loooove asshole). Michael Cuddyer is a comical 6 for 11 lifetime v. Bushie. Mike Redmond also has nice stats. Overall though, Twins have a .583 OPS v. Bush.

I'm going with a 8-5 Brewer win in Game 1.

Game 2: Glen Perkins (2-2, 4.58) v. Jeff Suppan (4-4, 3.78)

I've never fucking heard of Glen Perkins, I'll be honest. When I saw Perkins, I thought it might be SAM Perkins, but no such luck.

Soup is a fucking BORING pitcher to watch. And he puts three guys on every inning and might give up 2 runs in 7 innings....with 13 hits.

The only current Brewer with an at-bat against him is Gabe Kapler, and he is 0 for 1.

Surprisingly little experience against the Twins for Soup too. He fucking OWNS Mike Lamb (3 for 19). Mauer, Morneau, Redmond and.....Livan Hernandez, have had success in relatively few at bats v. Soup. .765 team OPS v. Soup, which is slightly above average.

Honestly, this one is sort of a push for me. Typically, pitchers going against hitters for the first time have the advantage. But I don't want to watch the Brewers lose. Fuck it. 5-4 Brewers.

Game 3: Scott Baker (2-1, 3.60) v. Ginger (3-3, 4.07)

Hall and Hardy have pounded Baker too (odd). .827 OPS for Crew v. Baker.

Ginger destroys Craig Monroe (0-6). Mauer, Morneau and Redmond have been nice against him. .871 OPS.

I'll be kind and give one to the Twins. 6-5.