Super Bowl Party!! (In My Pants?) (AKA: The Danica Patrick Comment Hour)

I'm not doing anything special for the Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is really one of those occasions (and let's be serious here, it should be a national holiday) where I actually like getting together with people that know nothing about football and talk through the entire game while I eat and drink 17,500 calories. I'm not sure why I don't care. I can't honestly remember the last time that I devoured a Super Bowl game play by play. I always watch, and pay attention, but when you are distracted by food and other people, you aren't really watching. Normally if nobody invites us anywhere, we have something ourselves. But I honestly don't feel like it, and the wife (who usually has the idea) didn't bring it up. So I will just eat 17,500 calories myself I guess.

OTHER SUPER BOWL ODDITIES:

-I don't hate the commercials. It is always kind of fun to see someone blow $40million on a random 30 second spot that I won't remember the next day.

-Lets be honest here. Danica Patrick is pretty attractive. I saw a clip of a GoDaddy commercial that is an 80's spoof. She looks pretty alright.

-NFL Network is starting its pregame at 8 a.m. This year I just haven't had any time to watch more than like 10 minutes of SportsCenter a morning, and no NFL Network. I kind of miss watching it. That being said, I'm pretty certain I will find something better to do for 9 hours.

-The Who is old as shit. But they are a band where most people couldn't name 3 songs they sang, but when you hear it you say "The Who sings that?". They are pretty fucking good. But I bet they will suck balls Sunday.

-FAKE BETTING: Colts (-4.5), Under 56.5, Over 2.5 times showing Kim Kardashian, Over 300.5 passing yards for Manning, Under 3 times showing Eli, Over 4 times showing Archie

Recipe for Disaster

RECIPE

Preheat the oven to 15 degrees. In a mixing bowl, combine a night of poor sleep, a 5:50 a.m. wake up call and 10 hours of "work". Stir until smooth. Add a light dinner, let sit for an hour. In a separate bowl, combine 15 beers, 5 to 10 shots and a bottle of the Andre. Bake until sometime after midnight until blacked out. Overserves one. Delights a spouse.

PICKS

I will make some actual fake betting recommendations by Saturday. But sticking with tradition, here are the weekly NFL picks.

Last Week: 7-8-1
Season: 107-104-4
All-Time: 241-230-6

NYG (+9), Ind (NL), Pit (NL), SF (-7), NE (+8), Chi (-3), Atl (-2.5), Jax (+1), GB (+3), Den (-13.5), Ten (-4.5), Bal (-11), Phi (+3), SD (-4), Cin (+10)

BUCKY

Working on New Year's Eve is fucking bullshit. I will be closely following UW v. Ohio St. I like Bucky at home to win.

Quick Picks for Week 16

Last Week: 5-9-2
Season: 100-96-3
All-Time: 234-222-5

SD (+3), Atl (-9), Bal (+3), NYG (-7), NO (-14), NE (-9), Mia (-3), GB (-14), Oak (+3), Cin (-13.5), Ari (-14), SF (-12), Phi (-7), Ind (-5.5), Dal (-6.5), Min (-7)

OJSFA Playoff Previews!

RIP Billie Jean (8-6) at Jolly Pharmaceuticals (9-5)

One of these teams will become the first team to get to its second championship. The other will be ridiculed. Twinkie (alleged Bastard) v. Bear (definitely sometime Bastard)

History: Series tied 4-4
Playoff History: Billie Jean leads 1-0
Recent History: Billie Jean won both meetings
Key Players: Billie Jean: WR duo of Andre Johnson and Larry Fitzgerald; Jolly: MVP QB Tom Brady
Odds: Billie Jean by 7 1/2, O/U 262.5

Faribault Frauleins (8-6) at Clown Baby (9-5)

Loaf Cobra, a dude who used to blog on this site and who's name appears to the left, has defied the odds and made the playoffs in his franchise's second year. He's playing by brother, the Unknown QB.

History: Series tied 1-1
Playoff History: None
Recent History: Faribault won the only meeting this season. By 67 points.
Key Players: Clown Baby RB Chris Johnson; Faribault has RB Ray Rice
Odds: Clown Baby by 1, O/U 280.5

Week 14 Picks

Last Week: 10-6
Season: 84-82-1
All-Time: 218-208-3

Pit (-10.5), NO (-10.5), GB (-3), Ind (-7), Buf (+1), Cin (+7), Car (+14), NYJ (-3), Jax (-3), Bal (-14), Hou (-6.5), Was (+1), SD (+3), Phi (+1), Ari (-3.5)

Turkey Day Pregame Spectacular

First, I ought to get my quick and shitty picks in so that everyone can run to their offshore bookies and place bets solely based upon the opinions of an anonymous Internet blogger:

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 68-66-1
All-Time: 202-192-3

GB(-11), Dal (-13.5), NYG (-6.5), Mia (-3), Sea (-3), Phi (-9), Atl (-12), Ind (-3), Cin (-14), Car (+3), Jax (+3), SD (-13.5), Min (-10.5), Ten (NL), NE (+3)

PACKERS

They will kick the shit out of the Lions today. At least 50% of fans will be Packer fans. There will be some shitty Motown act at halftime. I enjoy Thanksgiving Packer games because it gives me an excuse to be a loud asshole, not talk to anyone, and wear a jersey on Thanksgiving instead of a sweater or some shit.

CREIGHTON

Takes on nationally popular Michigan on a neutral court today. Don't have a great grasp on the Jays yet. Not a game they will be favored to win, but they could do it. Will be watching via DVR.

BADGERS

Nice trip to Maui. Frustrated a bit by the Gonzaga game. I think the Zags were clearly the more talented team, but if we make more than 20% of our threes, we are right there. I'm liking Leuer alot. Also, Keaton Nankivil is on pace to break the all-time record for missed dunks in traffic that look incredibly athletic and would bring the house down if he made them, but then go off the back of the rim and land at mid court. I counted at least 4 this weekend. Two really nice wins against Arizona and Maryland that will help the future resume. Duke will beat us by 20.

BEER REVIEW

Leinenkugel's Fireside Nut Brown, Version 2.0. I was assured via radio by the Leinenkugels that they reformulated the seasonal nut brown. Last year's version tasted like I was licking a pancake doused in maple syrup. The year is much improved. Not quite a Fat Squirrel, but it actually does taste like a Nut Brown, and I would buy it again.

Happy Thanksgiving

Picks Quick and Dirty

Last Week: 6-7-1
Season: 62-56-1
All-Time: 196-182-3

Car(-3), Dal (-11), Det (-3.5), GB(-7), Pit (-10), Min (-11), NYG (-7), NO (-11), Jax (-9), Ind (+1.5), Ari (-9), SD (NL), Cin (-10), NE (-10.5), Phi (-3), Hou (-4.5)

I'll probably have more later.

Fake Gambling, Almost Real Basketball, DeMarcus Ware Just Sacked A-Rodg In the Hotel

Last Week: 6-7
Season: 56-49
All-Time: 190-175-2

SF (-3), Ten (-7), NO (-14), Mia (-10), Min (-17), NYJ (-7), Cin (+7), Den (-3.5), Car (+2), Oak (-2), SD (-3), Ari (-9), Dal (-3), Ind (-3), Bal (-11)

-I hate alot of these lines this week. It is a good thing gambling is illegal.

-College Basketball begins in earnest on Saturday. Creighton is at Dayton (who is ranked #21 in the A.P. (American Popularity) poll). Creighton is not going to suck this year. I predict they go something like 24-7 and end up on the bubble but get passed over by some shitty 18-13 team from the Big 10 (Wisconsin???). CU needs a win like this for their early resume. 12:00 p.m for those that give a shit. Right in the middle of UW destroying Michigan.

-Speaking of polls, at least in basketball they make no difference because they actually, I don't know, have a tournament where the best team wins. It is insane how that works. So really, I could care less, even though they are kind of dumb when nobody has played any games.

-By the way, UW is definitely going to get in this year even though nobody really thinks so. A) They have Bo Ryan, b) they have a history of being alot better than anyone thinks, especially when everyone thinks they are shitty.

-Brandon Jennings is making me consider watching a Bucks game. For some reason I actually was going to turn one on last night, but it was "not available in my area". Not that broken up. I turned on a 45 point UNC blowout instead. They look really good against St. Mary's Burn Center at home. Fuck UNC.

-Not getting drunk this weekend. I'm finally over my hangover from Vegas I think. Looking forward to that. I have considered trying to go to the Packer game, but I'm not sure I can muster up the energy. Plus with the Cowboys in town, ticket prices are a little inflated.

-While I'm on the subject. I doubt the Packers win Sunday. I think it will be fairly close, but I also think DeMarcus Ware has 11 sacks, and Miles Austin catches at least one TD pass longer than 50 yards. I didn't start Marion Barber III this week against the Pack's D, who has been solid against the run.

Preview of Schmock's Funeral and Fake Gambling Advice

First, the picks:

Last week plus Vegas: 9-7
Season: 50-42
All-Time: 184-168-2

Atl (-10), GB (-9.5), Mia (+10.5), Jax (-6.5), Hou (+9), Cin (+3), Ari (+3), NO (-13.5), Sea (-10), NYG (-4.5), SF (-4), Phi (-3), Den (+3)

THE DEATH OF A FRIEND:

If not at the wedding this weekend, please pour some out for our fallen comrade. This is nothing personal against his fiance, who is a lovely woman, but it just is what it is.

I'll be heading off to the various Madison suburbs around noon on Friday so that I can learn how to show people where to sit, eat some free food, and sleep in a strange bed. I hope someone besides me is staying the hotel Friday night so I have an excuse to be hung over for the wedding. My guess is going to be not, since everyone else in the wedding either lives near Madison, or has a free room at their parent's house somewhere.

Regardless of Friday, I am going to get fucking shitfaced on Saturday. And that is a promise. Not that it should be any real surprise. My prediction is that the highlight will be Richard passed out with his head between the elevator doors, and it constantly trying to shut on it, but reopening each time it hits his head. Going to be great. Also, if this hotel is the one I think it is, I believe it is within walking distance of Margaritaville, which is going to sound like a fantastic plan at midnight when the wedding is done. I look forward to vomiting tequila. (ED. NOTE: Wrong hotel. No Margaritaville. My mistake. I will have to settle for vomiting beer.)

BADGERS

Schmock was selfish enough to schedule his wedding on a Badger game day, but good enough to schedule it on a game when the Badgers played Indiana, which may or may not be a real team. Badgers 41, Hoosiers 10.

PACKERS

Same thing. It is going to be a "game time decision" on whether I go dark until I get home and watch the game on TV, or listen to Wayne Larivee on the radio. I suppose it is possible we would be home by noon, but obviously that is no guarantee. In other news, if the Packers don't win Sunday, I think it would be safe to say that a deposit on playoff tickets won't be necessary. The Bucs are fucking 1979 terrible. Something named Josh Freeman will be making his first NFL start. Packers 41, Bucs 10.

Picks and Preview

Ten (-6.5), NO (Pk), NE (-3.5), GB (-9), Oak (+3), Jax (-3), Min (-10), Atl (-6), Was (-9.5), Buf (-5), Sea (+1.5), SD (-3), Den (-3), Pit (-3), NYG (+2.5), Ind (-3)

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 6-10
All-Time: 140-136-7

PACKERS V. BENGALS BREAKDOWN

Packers Running O v. Bengals Running D

Edge: Bengals. Ryan Grant = Yawn

Packers Passing O v. Bengals Passing D

Edge: Packers. A-Rodg is going to go mental assuming he isn't killed by whomever lines up across from Barbre.

Packers Running D v. Bengals Running O

Edge: Push

Packers Passing D v. Bengals Passing O

Edge: Bengals. Ocho and Chris Henry are pretty good. Pack was a little shaky when Cutler had any time at all, or when the weren't intercepting.

Special Teams

Edge: Bengals. I wouldn't be angry if we were looking to dump Crosby. No confidence at all.

Coaching

Edge: Packers. Marvin Lewis is not a good coach.

Weather

Edge: Push

Intangibles

Edge: Push. Packers crowd won't be that crazy because a) it is a Milwaukee game, b) we are playing the Bengals. Also, I think Ocho is already in their heads. Unless he does a leap and is murdered. Then I'm giving a slight edge to the Packers.

Prediction: Packers 34, Bengals 20

BADGERS

Playing something called Wofford. Badgers 41, Wofford 17

Coming Tomorrow (probably): OJSFA Week 2 Preview

NFL Picks!! and stuff

I'm back, making picks using nothing but gut feelings, but not placing any actual bets because I don't have money and because gambling is illegal. Although I hope to make one or two on October 25th in Vegas. Last year I was a respectable, but not great, 134-126-7 against the spread.

Pit (-6), TB (+6), NO (-13), Atl (-4.5), Hou (-4.5), Cin (-4), Car (+1), Ind (-7), Min (-4), Bal (-13), NYG (-6.5), Sea (-8.5), Ari (-6.5), GB (-3.5), NE (-10.5), SD (-9.5)

I HATE three or four of these picks.

Looking forward to real football tonight.

STUFF

Goddamn fantasy football. Already it looks like Pierre Thomas is out because he "cut his leg on a fence" WHAT? What the fuck are you doing trying to leap fences you stupid asshole? It had something to do with his Rottweiler or German Shepard or pit bull or some shit. Jesus christ. Doesn't he understand that I've got money on him? Fuck! Now I have to start goddamn Julius Jones, who I couldn't possibly like any less than I do. Jones prediction: 43 yds rushing, 1 catch for 4 yds, 0 TD, 1 fumble.

Quick movie review. Since I have my free HBO preview I am watching some movies that aren't that new, but that I haven't already seen. I watched "Hitman" the other night. It surprisingly didn't suck dick. Cool shooting/gadgets/gratuitous nudity= not terrible. They didn't really explain why he has a fucking barcode on his head (although I'm mildly familiar with the video game, so I kind of know), so that was weird. I'd give it like a 3.5/5.

Packer preview coming tomorrow.

Covert Picks

I am doing this quickly because I think my bosses would frown on pretend gambling, and I am at work.

Last week: 10-6
Season: 104-100-4

Chi (-3), Atl (-3), Was (-7), Sea (NL), Mia (-6.5), Ind (-17), KC (+5.5), Jax (+1.5), Ari (NL), Car (-7.5), Pit (+2), NE (-7), NYG (+3), Phi (-14)