Lake Delton Alleged Sexual Assault Party Update

Brandon Underwood is the alleged player that was involved in the alleged assaultS. He is alleged to have had unwanted sexual contact with TWO women. By himself. The other six Packers supposedly didn't do anything. Check out all the info on JSOnline. My thoughts:

-My first thought when I saw the list of alleged attendees. Please let it be Mason Crosby. Please let it be Mason Crosby.

-At least it wasn't Clay Matthews or Brad Jones.

-McCarthy has been blowing Underwood all week about how good he is now. We probably need him. Is it bad that I was much more concerned about the secondary than this alleged crime.

-Why couldn't Jarrett Bush have been there.

-I find it a little difficult to understand the logistics here. I'm sure more info will come out, but we are in the business of jumping to conclusions, so lets assume it was only Underwood and two women, and no guns or anything. How do you have non-consensual contact with TWO people? Does he have two dicks? I dunno, maybe it wasn't that serious. Maybe it was a boob grab or something. This is the most fascinating part.

-Does the fact that there was two make it more or less likely that they would make something up?

-If they were going to makes something up, why would they pick Underwood?

-Why didn't one of them run and or fight off Underwood when he was on the other?

-How would six others not hear what was going on?

-Did the police just decide to pin this on Underwood after last year's wild card performance?

"Docta Said I Need A Backeotomy"

---Sir Smokealot.

We are entering the time of year where there isn't going to be all that much for me to write about. Sure, I suppose I could write about the NFL playoffs, but unless something super funny happens, I don't really need to put you through a 1,203,451st post about what a piece of shit He Who Shall Not Be Named is. Although I suppose, you could witness my last few days (and probably the end of humanity as Satan swallows up the Earth when his prophecy is fulfilled) if He and His Viqueens win the Super Bowl. Let's just hope and assume that isn't going to happen. ANYWAYS, other than college basketball junk, which I love, but which doesn't typically give me that much to write about, there isn't much out there. Combine that with the fact that Uncle Sam and his archaic tax system forces everyone in America to file a tax return by April 15th (and that this system provides me with an excuse to stay employed, which provides me with free internet access for the other 9 months out of the year to post incessant ramblings on this site), and I will be actually "working" and not "pretending to work" (except during March Madness when I will be watching MMOD on my computer) there will be alot less of me in the coming months. Historically (last year) you can see that the number of posts in February and March is reduced dramatically. Here is the point. We allegedly have 3 other people and one other zoo animal that are able to post things on this here site. I don't mind carrying this team for 9 months out of the year ala Aaron Rodgers, but once in awhile I need someone else to make a play. I'm merely requesting that you each take like 10 minutes a week to put something of (time wasting and irrelevant) substance here. I will attempt to throw something up once a week or so, or more if something tickles my fancy (like NBA gun play, or Tiger chasing Wilt). Thank You.

THE WEEKEND

I have a "quintuple date" on Saturday consisting of my wife and I, and my four bosses and their spouses. It is going to be awful. I'm either going to miss a good portion of Colts/Ravens, or I am going be up until 4 am watching shit on the DVR (there is also UW/Ohio St. at 7, and CU/Wichita St at 4 on ESPN2 (why bother)). Not sure what to do yet. Maybe I will just get blacked out on margaritas.

SNOW VOLLEYBALL

Richard finally broke me down. Even though I went at least once in college and it was not memorable at all. I'm headed to La Crosse in a few weeks to get blacked out at the Alpine Inn while watching drunken assholes freeze thier asses of on a snow covered volleyball court, then attempt to navigate down the bluff without dying. Good thing the ice is frozen, or I would drown Richard in the Mississippi. The Unknown QB is also going. And also maybe everyone's favorite friend of my wife. Richard is totally going to bang her (or my brother will?) AGAIN.

NFL PICKS

This is the second best weekend in sports. First is the four day open to the NCAA Basketball Tournament. Hopefully nobody is taking these pretend bets and placing them for real.

Last Week: 1-3
Season: 114-117-4
All-Time: 248-243-6

NO (-7), Ind (-6.5), Min (-2.5), SD (-7.5)

Picks N' Such

The game last night was not very good, except for about 10 minutes right near the end. I guess it isn't the BCS's fault that McCoy got hurt, although for some reason I feel like there was a a conspiracy afoot. Because the BCS title game has been good like 2, maybe three times since its conception (which HAD to have been some type of forced sexual assault). And the BCS doesn't care because they claim to make money hand over fist regardless. So they saw the results of the Get Together and resolved to prove a point to the fair readers of this blog, that they will do whatever the fuck they want, and you will like it.

Other thoughts on the game:

- Made this comment last night to my a few others: "When the second half started, Mack Brown looked alot like Bud Kilmer right before the second half of the championship game on "Varsity Blues" and I though for sure Colt McCoy would coach the second half.

-Not sure if it was a coincidence or not, but there was a smoking hot chick sitting next to Colt McCoy's dad that I'm guessing was Colt's woman. Good work.

-Alabama was still better than Texas.

-That Gilbert guy was 5/24 passing at one point.


-Nick Saban is a dick. Even after he wins a "National Championship"

NFL

The plan this weekend is as follows: 1) Stay up late playing video games and/or continuing to trudge through "The Book of Basketball"; 2) Sleep in relatively late Saturday (like 9 a.m. is considered "late" these days); 3) Drink coffee, surf Internets; 4) Pretend to be helpful in house chores; 5) Watch Bucky v. Purdue/CU v. Wichita St.; 6) Watch football for 7 hours; 7) sleep; 8) coffee; 9) watch football for 7 hours.

This weekend is not as good as next weekend will be (especially if the Pack doesn't fuck this up), but it is going to be good anyway. Playoff football is finally here. I asked my wife the other day if she knew what we were doing this weekend. Her response "I don't know". I said, "I know. We are watching football for 14 hours. So don't make other plans."

I have a hard time envisioning a scenario that doesn't involve Jarrett Bush or a kickoff return for a touchdown where the Packers don't beat the Cardinals. Even if I pretend I never saw the Packers' starters destroy the Cards starters for a quarter in two meaningless games, I still think the Packers are better all around. Offense: I think this is the only thing that could slant to the Cardinals, but you pretty much know what you are going to get from the Pack. Warner might throw for 400 yds and 5TDs (all against Bush) or he might throw 4 picks and fumble twice. The Packers defense is much, much better than the Cards. Special Teams is probably in the Cards favor but only because of Crosby. I expect a relatively high scoring affair. I'm going to say 31-23 Pack. We will know on Sunday who our 2nd round opponent will be with a win. I can't mentally handle another Packers v. He Who Shall Not Be Named game. Even though the Packers are playing better now.

TERRIBLE PICKS

I'm not really sure what is considered "good" in picking games. My assumption would be somewhere around 50% would be acceptable if you picked every game. I am now unacceptable this season after getting raped last week.

Last Week: 6-10
Season: 113-114-4
All-Time: 247-240-6

Cin (-2.5), Phi (+4), Bal (+3), GB (Pk)

Happy Maddenoliday!!

After work today, I am returning from a one year College Football hiatus to stop over at the local Best Buy in my suit and tie to pick up Madden '10. I could NOT be more excited. Every five years or so, I do something crazy like last year and buy College Football instead. Inevitably, I regret that decision because Madden is the best game to come out every single year some how. I fully look forward to playing until about midnight tonight while my wife runs around cleaning the house for weekend guests.

I don't know about anyone else, but whenever I buy a video game, I feel embarrassed. A lot like I would feel if I was buying porn or something. I feel the same way buying a fantasy football magazine. I have no clue why. I bet if we took a poll of 28 year old males, well over 50% did at least one of the two. Yet, I always feel like the 19 year old working at Best Buy thinks I'm some kind of asshole that lives in his parent's basement. I don't know why I care. At the end of the day, I could avoid the "embarrassment" by ordering it online or something. But quite frankly, I'm not willing to wait an extra two days to get the game.

Every time I get the game, I sit down and immediately start a franchise with the Packers, and play every game the first season. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way, the "Maddenoliday" ads from a few years back were ingenious.

Anyways, the one downside to this whole experience is that I have a job and I have to wait until 5 to get it (my brother in I actually waited at midnight with the unwashed masses once).

Another big downside is that those assholes at EA decided to be selfish pricks and put the game out the night of the Steelers-Cardinals rematch, when coincidentally, Fitty and Polamalu were on the cover so they could run ads during the whole game. This was the biggest non-coincidence EVER. But what makes it a downside is that for the first time I can ever remember, the game is coming out on a Friday instead of a Tuesday. Leaving me without those three weekdays of non-weekend type interruptions. This all coupled with the fact that EA waited until they found out what Packer preseason ticket I was going to be forced to buy (I am convinced of this) to release the game the day before. Knowing full well that I was going to be forced to get black out drunk the next day, and not have time to play the wonderful game.

Which brings me to this weekend. Richard is going to skip cutting the grass at the house he is obviously renting in Northeast Wisconsin, and heading to GB to watch the future stars of UFL play tomorrow night. Drinks may be had. Only good thing is that it was a Saturday night game, which makes drinking easier to do. Oh, and any time you can go to Lambeau, it is spectacular (even if $60 for a preseason ticket should be illegal). And I get to see Browns third string running back and The White Broncos fifth RB Jerome Harrison! Seriously though, my wife's semi-attractive, perpetually single, kind of bitchy friend is coming along. I remember when I was a kid and we had a dog, and I would push the dog into my brother to piss it off so it would bite my brother. I plan to do the same thing with Richard and wife's friend, except that it is going to involve booze and sex.

VICK

He signed with the Eagles. Let's throw a fucking big ass ESPN party. I'm already over it. Glad I'm not watching the Packer game on TV Saturday, because somehow, it would be preempted by coverage of Philly fans throwing bricks at him.

"Just The Tip"

Well, I'm back at work this morning. And I'm just going to go ahead and say that I'm not all that happy to be here. I continue my streak of drinking coffee on a Monday morning after a long weekend of drinking, and regretting it. I sincerely wish I could just take Monday's after long drinking weekends off. But if I did that this month, I would only work like 8 days, which is probably unacceptable to the people that pay me.

ANYWAYS, successful weekend overall. Highlights included:

-Discussing how my friends and I never, ever see each other and not get completely fucking shitfaced. Ever.

-Continuing the streak of needlessly stretching these things out for two nights, and then starting by noon on the second day, just prove that we aren't old yet.

-A surprising number of discussions about kids, landscaping, cleaning and other old person shit, even though only one person has a kid.

-A chip in for par on the third hole by me.

-Open and blatant carrying on of alcoholic beverages to the golf course.

-Mark and I beating "Michael Jackson's Moonwalker", "The Simpsons" and "Double Dragon" on his sweet ass arcade machine.

-Open and obvious drunk driving by a relative of the bachelor, despite the fact that there was plenty of room in the cabs.

-An unattractive waitress muttering the following two things to Sports Bottle: "Surprise, Surprise, right in my eyes." and "Wanna play just the tip later?" Both statements were unwelcome (probably) and completely out of the blue.

-The pregnant bartender at Champion's Sports Bar.

-First trip to the Oval Office "Gentleman's Club"

-(story redacted) at the Oval Office "Gentleman's Club"

-Stiffing the "bathroom attendant" at the Oval Office. I refused to fucking pay to have someone turn on the sink for me. It isn't that difficult. Even though I was retarded drunk.

-A bunch of stuff happening at Cock & Bull which I don't remember.

-The chick fight at that other bar.

-Mark and Richard dancing their fucking asses off.

-Rest of the night was a blur. Remember playing golden tee, but don't know if I finished. Remember eating like two whole pizzas. I allegedly was dragged off of an air mattress onto a cement floor and I didn't even react. Woke up feeling like I was going to die. The End.

PS. Lets do this shit all over again this Friday and Saturday. Anyone? The 4th annual Orenthal James Simpson Football Association draft is sometime on Saturday. The dominance shall continue.