Hit Em Up

I'm sure there are like two people that got the mid 90's rap reference to the title of this post.

ANYWAYS (Stolen Literary Reference alert), the reason for this post is to break down Twinkies sudden love for all things purple, and dudes with diapers who play quarterback/coach their team/slap teammates' asses for fun/cram their cocks down media member's throats/and stab fan bases in the back.

First, I think I need to take a step back and try to rationally explain my hatred for the Vikings, as well as my hatred for this particular Viking team. I've always had a strong dislike for them, and as a Packer fan (really, I didn't just decide to be one five minutes ago) I choose to root against them regardless of what they are doing or who they are playing. Same with the Bears and to a lesser extent the Lions (only because they haven't been a threat for a decade). I wish ill things on the franchises as a whole. If they move to L.A. (when) I will throw a celebration. I might drive over to Minneapolis and piss on the Metrodome. I'm definitely not one of these people who take up rooting for "The NFC North" out of some bullshit divisional pride. Knowing that, I still can be fairly rational in my hatred for Packer rivals. When the Bears got to the Super Bowl a few years back, I hated it and I rooted against them harder than I would have if I didn't really care who won that much. But, it didn't ruin two weeks of my life. I didn't avoid sports media. I still looked forward to watching the Super Bowl. If they would have won, it would have stung a bit, but I would've gotten over it.

This Viking team is different and the hatred has risen to a new level due to He Who Shall Not Be Named. I'm not going to repeat all of my feelings except to say that everything bothers me more, and the fact that the media refuses to treat him like a normal player, despite the fact that I'm convinced that 99% of America now hates him and the Vikings, makes it worse. He alone is the reason that the Queens making a Super Bowl would ruin two weeks for me, and could possibly cause me to black out during the Super Bowl. And I would even consider skipping the Super Bowl for the first time since I can remember(I vaguely remember 1985 as the first one I watched). And I believe Twinkie is pretending to be a Viking fan just to piss me off. This is why, as a Packer fan, I feel that I am able to write this post.

With that out of the way, Twinkie is full of shit. I've known Twinkie in varying degrees since 2003. We hung out a lot during our final year at Creighton, and have communicated electronically quite often since graduation. I feel like I've got a pretty good handle for who he is. Might he be a sheep rapist (I was just helping it over the fence)? Maybe. You never totally know anyone I guess. The point is, I've watched NFL with him a few times in the mid-00's, and have certainly discussed it on a number of occasions. And until last Sunday with his bullshit "Thanks for the Quarterback. (insert some other bullshit about the Packers or Vikings)" text, I had never once heard him mention his affinity for the Viqueens. In fact, I distinctly remember him telling me that he was a Miami Dolphin fan. So my first question: What the fuck happened to THAT?!?!?

He uses Bill Simmon's "Rules for Being a True Fan" article to claim that because he was born in North Dakota or Montana or Canada or wherever the fuck he was born, and there was no NFL team, that he is justified in deciding now to root for the Viqueens just to piss me off. Here are a few quotes I pulled from this article.
"There's nothing worse than a Bandwagon Jumper. If sports were a prison and sports fans made up all the prisoners, the Bandwagon Jumpers would be like the child molesters -- everyone else would pick on them, take turns beating them up and force them to toss more salads than Emeril Lagrasse.) "
"19. Once you choose a team, you're stuck with that team for the rest of your life ... unless one of the following conditions applies:

-Your team moves to another city. All bets are off when that happens. In fact, if you decided to turn off that sport entirely, nobody would blame you.

-You grew up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport -- so you picked a random team -- and then either a.) your city landed a team, or b.) you moved to a city that fielded a team for that specific sport. For instance, one of my Connecticut buddies rooted for the Sixers during the Doctor J Era, then happened to be living in Orlando when the Magic came to town. Now he's a Magic fan. That's acceptable.

-One of your immediate family members either plays professionally or takes a relevant management/coaching/front office position with a pro team.

-You follow your favorite college star (and this has to be a once-in-a-generation favorite college star) to the pros and root for his team du jour ... like if you were a UNC fan for the past 20 years, and you rooted for the Bulls (because of MJ) and then the Raptors (because of Vince). Only works if there isn't a pro team in your area.

-The owner of your favorite team treated his fans so egregiously over the years that you couldn't take it anymore -- you would rather not follow them at all then support a franchise with this owner in charge. Just for the record, I reached this point with the Boston Bruins about six years ago. When it happens, you have two options: You can either renounce that team and pick someone else, or you can pretend they're dead, like you're a grieving widow. That's what I do. I'm an NHL widow. I don't even want to date another team.

-If you're between the ages of 20-40, you're a fan of the Yankees, Cowboys, Braves, Raiders, Steelers, Celtics, Lakers, Bulls, Canadiens and/or Oilers, and you're not actually from those one of those cities ... well, you better have a reason that goes beyond "When I was picking a favorite team as a kid, they were the best team, so I picked them." "

I don't see one single thing in there that justifies this fake fandom. Yes, he lives in Minnesota, but like 700 miles away from the Twin Cities. I guess my whole point is that you can't just drop the Dolphins. And you can't root for both. And you can't rely on Simmons to help you make your point. You are a poser and a bandwagon jumper.

One last thing that pissed me off. "Like you Packer fans wouldn't be excited to be in the NFC Championship" In response to Bear saying that the Twin Cities was acting like the Vikings had won the Super Bowl after they beat a team they were favored to beat, at home, after a bye week, that had won ONE playoff game in 13 years. Would Packer fans be excited? Absofuckinglutely. But Packer fans are smart enough to realize that getting to the NFC Championship doesn't mean anything. It means you get to play one more week. Packer fans are smart enough to not start to suck eachother's dick when we get to the SEMIFINALS. Not only that, but a real Viking fan (of which there is only two: Paul Allen and Ragnar) would be smart enough to know that historically, the Viqueens are fucking chokers, especially recently, in similar games (see 41-0, see Gary Anderson). They SHOULD be nervous as shit, NOT running around acting like they won something. Which is ANOTHER reason that you aren't a Viking fan. Vikings fans would be entitled to enjoy their South Beach vacation if they manage to get to the Super Bowl, but until they WIN a Super Bowl, it doesn't mean shit.

When the Vikings lose, all anyone is going to remember about this season is He Who Shall Not Be Named making an ass out of another franchise. It has been approximately 10 years since He DIDN'T completely melt down in the playoffs costing his team the game. And I am going enjoy the taste of tears when it happens.

To recap: I hate the Viqueens even more due to He Who Shall Not Be Named, Twinkie is a Dolphin fan NOT a Viqueen fan, Viqueen fans are delusional if they are that happy about one playoff win, He will stab the Viking franchise in the back too, Twinkie may or may not rape animals, I Hit 'Em Up, I am extremely white.

GEAUX SAINTS!!!!!! What say you?

Instant Replay?

About 5 times a year or so there is a media uprising for instant replay in Major League Baseball because the Yankees or Red Sox got screwed out of (or into) a home run. It happened again last night with A-Rod's homerun that was not called. There is always two talking heads screaming at each other about it. One guy is the old school guy who is against it, and one is the younger guy who is for it.

The major arguments against instant replay are: 1)It would ruin the integrity of the game; 2)They didn't need it when Babe Ruth played, why do they need it now?; 3)It would add time to games that are already too fucking long; 4) We couldn't make it perfect, so we should rely on 4 guys (with Coke bottle glasses) randomly positioned 150 ft away from a 9 inch sphere, moving 125 mph, and two men running 15 mph to decide plays that can come down to a fraction of an inch and could eventually cost people millions of dollars.

The major arguments for it: 1)They do it in football and it seems to work OK; 2)Technology exists today that didn't exist 75 years ago, so we should use it (and fuck Babe Ruth); 3) Too many calls are blown that cost teams runs directly, and therefore games; 4) Too much money is riding on the outcome of these games to leave them to chance; 5)When a call is close, they already waste 3 to 5 minutes arguing with players/managers, and by that time the TV booth already knows whether the call was blown or not.

I think it is pretty clear what I think of this. While I admit there is some charm to baseball and the way it is officiated, I think it is stupid to let the umps make the calls, but then show the replay of an obviously blown call on a jumbotron and have the umps pretend they are still right. There are about a million different proposals for instant replay in baseball (much like a college football playoff, and not unsurprisingly, the likelihood of either happening is about as likely as Bear's first born not having fur, sharp teeth and a taste for salmon). Last year, MLB refused to consider even an instant replay of only close HR calls (the only play that ALWAYS changes the scoreboard).

So here is how I would do it:

1) ALL plays would be fair game. I'm talking any play on any base, HR's, close catches/traps in the field, fair/foul, balls and strikes.

2) Each manager gets 3 "challenges" per game. This is similar to the NFL rule. Manager comes out of the dugout or throws a flag or something.

3) There is an independent replay person in the booth at every game. This would not be expensive or time consuming. The cameras are already in place at every game.

4) Balls and strikes would be called base on a standard strike zone (which they are supposed to use anyway). Waist to knees or whatever it technically is. If ESPN/Fox/TBS can put the "K-zone" thing up 5 seconds after a pitch, surely a replay person can have the same technology.

5) I think the largest issue would be: what would happen if a ball that was actually fair was called foul and reversed, or a ball that was ruled an out on a diving catch that was actually trapped was reversed? What happens to the base runners? I think what needs to happen is like old school "lazy-man" baseball. (i.e. The hit would have to automatically be ruled a single, and the runner on base would advance one spot). Obviously, this is still screwing the team that had to challenge. But, a single is better than an out or a foul ball that could later lead to an out.

6) Time wise, this would avoid the manager arguments, ejections, etc. I actually think this could cut time off of a game. I also don't think you would have a big problem with challenging balls and strikes because there are so many calls in a game, I doubt many managers (except Dusty Baker) would waste challenges on those.

7)Umpires would still be integral, but would actually be held accountable in the game for messing up.

I personally don't think it would be that hard to implement, and it would have a great positive effect on the game. Limiting the challenges would avoid a team arguing on every close call, and saving them for key moments. Umpiring would improve, games could be shortened, strike zones would be the same for every pitcher/hitter/umpire. And we wouldn't have to listen to Sox/YanksCenter bitch about another missed HR call.