Quick Championship Weekend Preview

It sucks both games are on Sunday. They really should stretch this thing out over two days. Also, UW tried and failed to schedule their weekend game during the football games for the 12th time in 13 weeks, but the NFL tricked them by starting the first game on Sunday at 2:30 instead of Noon. So only half of the UW-Penn St. game (1:30) will be on at a time when nobody that is not an immediate family member of a player will be watching. I think I could double their ratings if I was in charge of Big Ten scheduling.

Picks:
Last Week: 3-1
Playoffs: 4-4
Season: 117-118-4
All-Time: 251-244-6

COLTS/JETS

Super Bowl III rematch! Except that at least 50% of the players involved are dead and the other 50% are so messed up from long term football injuries that they don't remember the game! Except Joe Namath, who's steady diet of booze and vag chemically altered his brain cells and proved a cure for concussions. I like watching the Jets D play, and Rex Ryan is crazy. I just don't see Payton Manning losing this. He is a cyborg. Even though the game should end up being relatively close, I still feel like the Jets are maybe a slightly worse version of the Ravens on offense. And the Ravens put up 3 points last week. I like the Colts (-7.5).

VIQUEENS/UNITED STATES' TEAM

My feelings and rooting interests are well documented. REALLY well documented. The Saints are better on offense than anything the Vikings have faced all year. They can run and pass. The key I think is keeping Brees upright. The Vikes got to ROMO last week, but IN MY MIND, THE COWBOYS RECEIVERS SUCK, AND THE O-LINE WAS A DISASTER. Brees HAS RIDICULOUS RECEIVERS, AND A COMPETENT, UNINJURED O-LINE. Brees ALSO has BETTER accuracy, and BETTER coaches THAN ROMO. If Brees doesn't get Jared Allen's bloody/hairy gash rubbed in his face, I don't think I care what the Vikings do on offense (and I do think they will score). He Who Shall Not Be Named has done nothing to lead anyone to believe he will shit himself and throw a bunch of picks. But historically, he has done just that in every playoff appearance since 1999. The Saints are not particularly good on defense, and don't match up well with the Vikings, but Darren Sharper plays a mean center field, and I feel like he is good for at least one pick of his "friend" (note: He had no friends, because he is a prick. On his first opportunity, He would fuck Sharper's wife and molest his kids.) I like the Saints (-3.5). GEAUX SAINTS!! (ED. NOTE: I never said these previews weren't incredibly biased and highly prejudicial.)

The Saga Continues?

The following are a list of reasons why He Who Shall Not Be Named decided to stay retired:

1) Couldn't go through 16 games due to his shoulder.

2) Hated practice and training camp.

3) Was allergic to taintsucking Viqueen fans.

4) Was afraid of dudes that look like Mr. McGoo.

5) Was afraid of being raped by Jared Allen.

6) Was afraid that with all the restaurant choices that existed in the Twin Cities area (see Ryan Longwell), he would get lost and end up back on the Vicodin.

7) Was afraid of albinos. (see Darrell Bevell).

8) Didn't want to tarnish his Packer legacy.

9) Had a torrid three way with McCarthy and Thompson that resolved all of their differences.

10) Wanted to cash in on that marketing deal with the Pack.

11) Was secretly trying to undermine the Viqueens all along at the direction of the evil Ted Thompson as payback for the tampering last season.

12) Missed his family.

13) Loved his tractors. Alot. Like in a not normal way.

Reasons why he will come back in three weeks:

1) Got jealous of another quarterback, any quarterback, throwing a TD pass. I mean like he is driving by a Pop Warner field.

2) Tired of not leading SportsCenter every day.

3) Misses Rachel Nichols living in his rose bushes.

4) Gets tired of cutting the grass every motherfucking day.

5) Deanna wants ANOTHER $10,000 handbag.

6) Deanna wants a $50,000 watch.

7) Deanna wants a $200,000 ring

8) Deanna wants a $150,000 car

9) Deanna wants a $1.2 million dollar yacht

10) Deanna wants a new beach house

11) The kids need shoes

12) Just a good 'ol boy who likes to compete.

13) Bus Cook needs money.

14) Scott Favre needs money.

15) Bonita Favre needs money.

16) Didn't mean he was going to stay retired FOREVER. Never actually said that. Just meant yesterday he was staying retired. Boy, the media sure likes to infer things!


I've thought about this whole sordid tale. If he really did stay retired, I would be allowed to say his name sometime around next year's Super Bowl, about February 1, 2011. His number could be retired in 2014, no earlier. Assuming he doesn't come back. Now I will mention him only when he either inevitably decides to come back, or when discussing how fucking stupid, gullible and sad Viqueen fans are.

Richard Spielman & the none-use of draft picks

While Juice took a look at the Green Bay Packers draft and wondered aloud about the validity of their selections, I will now look at the Minnesota Vikings to see how they fared (I don't like Wisconsin teams!!!). It seemed to me that the Vikings were paranoid about losing a player that they had targeted. They traded up in the second and fifth rounds to get their players, all at the expense of other draft picks. It's not like we are one player away from the super bowl, this is a team that finished 8-8 last year. We need all of the good/cheap young talent that we can find. It seems like the Vikings, a team that normally does a decent job identifying needs and talent, have sacrificed some valuable young players for the sake of their draft board. That being said, here is a rundown of their selections.

1st round: Of course this went to Kansas City in the Jared Allen trade. While I can't argue with acquiring a stud defensive end, especially since Derrick Harvey went 8th overall to Jacksonville for a 1st, two 3rds and a 4th, it seems like the Vikings and their fans may have raised the expectations too much. After all Tarvaris Jackson is still the starting quarterback. I'm not saying that Vikings should have looked quarterback with their first round pick, I'm just saying that the 2008 season will be defined by the quarterback play, not the defensive end. All the Super Bowl talk needs to go away until the Vikings prove that they can actually, you know, win more games than they lose.

2nd round: The Vikings selected S Tyrell Johnson from Arkansas St. I have no problems with this pick, it's just the manner in which they used it. The Vikings traded up four spots, in front of the rival Detroit Lions and Chicago Bears, to select a safety. I was expecting them to take Chad Henne or Brian Brohm. Needless to say, I was a little disappointed when I heard Johnson's name called. The Vikings have a strong team, but need some insurance at quarterback (Gus Frerotte doesn't count, no matter what Tommy says about him). Now we have a backup safety to take Darren Sharper's job in 2009. We had to trade up to get this?*

*Of course they had to trade up. Johnson was rated 17th on the Vikings board.

3rd round: Oh yeah, the Vikings didn't have a third round pick. We traded both of them.

4th round: Oh yeah, the Vikings didn't have a fourth round pick. We traded it.

5th round: We got our quarterback. I couldn't be happier. I love taking quarterbacks that were successful at big time colleges. John David Booty is exactly the kind of quarterback the Vikings needed to come away with. He's much more ready to make an impact than say, Joe Flacco of Delaware.** Of course the Vikings had to trade up to get him. Let's hope he has a great pre-season so he can become the starting quarterback sooner than later. Even so, Booty is a quarterback that was taken in the fifth round. Maybe I should temper my expectations a tiny bit. I just can't shake the feeling that he is already better than Tarvaris Jackson.

**The only other players from the University of Delaware in the NFL are TE Ben Patrick of Arizona and S Mike Adams of Cleveland. Can we say football powerhouse!!!

5th round: Wow another pick. Letroy Guion DT from Florida St. From what I've been told, he is the single biggest reason for the resurrection of Florida St. football. Great pick!!!

6th round: Wow two more picks. Although I can't say that I know anything about either player the Vikings selected. It does seem like they drafted a potential replacement for the superb Matt Birk. Oh yeah, and a potential kick returner from Jackson St. Whatever.

7th round: Fittingly, the Vikings had no picks in the 7th round. They were, of course, traded.

Overall, I think it was a so so performance. The Vikings came away with some seemingly useful players and a bona fide defensive end. It just seems like they could have done more.


P.S. Like Juice, I will use the royal we when discussing these teams: Minnesota Twins, Vikings, Timberwolves, Gophers, and of course the St. Louis Rams. R-A-M-S! Rams! Rams! Rams!