I'm a Junkie

I have a problem. About 18 months ago, I came across Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call. I reviewed it somewhere on this site. It works for me. I took my last dose back in March when Sports Bottle and I got severely intoxicated in Milwaukee. I hadn't really gotten completely plowed (or at least planned ahead to get severely plowed) since. Seeing as drinking season begins in earnest on Friday, I looked in the trusty spot in the grocery store for my elixir. They didn't have it. This was a few weeks back, and I didn't worry that much, because sometimes a grocery store is out of shit. This Saturday, I was out and about running errands and what not, and I figured I would pick up some hangover cure, knowing full well I was going to need it twice this weekend. The grocery store still didn't have it. The Target next door didn't have it. I thought, "Well, shit, Walgreen's has EVERYTHING. They will have it, and I'll pick up two packs for good measure." Out. The Shopko Express down the street from my house. Out. The next day, while we were out visiting mothers, I made stops at a CVS, another Walgreens, a Wal-Mart (against my better judgment) and Festival Foods. None of them has it. I've come to the conclusion that this miracle cure probably killed 5 or 12 teenagers who OD'ed on it and it caused their hearts to explode. And now it appears it has been discontinued. Fuck. Me. This is like learning that they stopped making Vodka. I don't know what to do. I could order it online, but I would never get it in time for this weekend, and probably not for next weekend either. Plus they are raping people like triple the price.

So I am imploring anyone who I know that might be married to someone with some type of degree in the drug dispersion trade, that may or may not have ties to some underground shit, to see if she is aware of a way for me to get it before Friday. Or if there is any similar cure/concoction/combination of similar type drugs that I can take to cure what is going to happen to me on Saturday and Sunday morning. Not as worried about Saturday, because usually a screwdriver or eight takes care of a hangover, but that really isn't an option on Sunday. Eventually, I will have to not be drunk. Please post said cures in the comments. Or text/email me. I'm desperate. Thank you.

SHIT IN MY EYE 2010!!!

I've been going to Shit in My Eye since 2001 I believe. With off years for various graduations and such. I'm guessing this is like my sixth appearance. Taking off at noon, hoping to get down by 3, drinking by 3:01, drunk by 4, going for random walks by 8, blacked out by 9.

For those that are curious what the point is, here is Wikipedia. But all that shit is sort of meaningless. What it means is that it is Oktoberfest light, in the spring time. Light generally because it is cheaper, it is in a smaller city, there are fewer bars and fewer people. Not light because we drink less. Because that isn't true at all. Other Syttende Mai thoughts:

Traditionally, one of our "crew" manages to piss someone in Schmock's family off, and someone cries. Usually it is the same person on both ends.

Schmock's dad often drinks all night and goes to work early the next morning. Sometimes with no sleep.

One time Schmock's dad saw a ghost.

One time Richard (who will be absent this year) almost died of a head explosion.

One time Schmock's dog DID die.

One time Sports Bottle almost got punched in his drunk face by his then girlfriend. He is no longer dating said girlfriend.

One time I shit on an abandoned semi trailer somewhere on the complete opposite end of town in the middle of the night. I was under aged. I had nothing to wipe with.

Shit In My Eye Preview

Big weekend begins tomorrow. It is my first (non-official holiday) day off of work since last September. And it is the annual rite of spring/summer where UW-L alumni and semi-alumni descend upon the Southern Wisconsin hamlet known as Stoughton, Wisconsin to get drunk as fuck and celebrate the Constitution of our Norwegian ancestors. And all these years I thought we were celebrating their independence. Except that nobody except Schmock is actually Norwegian I think.

The biggest deal this year is a format change from previous years. In prior years we would arrive to Stoughton mid-to late afternoon, start drinking, drink until we passed out (or didn't) and then go golfing at 6 a.m. or so. This year, it was decided that we should start drinking six hours earlier on Friday, and golf at 9 a.m. Friday and boycotting the outing on Saturday. And then get up early Saturday and drink anyway. So I get to leave GB at like 6 am on my day off to drive to Stoughton so I can puke. This makes absolutely no sense for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that I at least, am a total fucking pussy, and will absolutely drink myself into a coma by like 3 p.m. on Friday. But it will be fun regardless.

Another change is that instead of sleeping on Schmock's parent's floor next to a dying black lab, I will at least have a couch (I think) to pass out on at Schmock's house. This I think is probably a good change, although his house is not tripping and falling distance from the bars.

Here are some things that I hope are repeated from past years:

-Schmock not sleeping at all until about midnight on Saturday, drinking the entire time, and being an absolute zombie to the point that he can't speak.

-Sports Bottle covertly hooking up with some random townie chick, and not admitting that it actually happened. (Although he is involved right now, so I would assume those chances are slim).

-Schmock's dad being so drunk that he is claiming to see ghosts at 5 a.m., and then going to work driving around a flower delivery van at 6.

-Richard losing something.

-Mark moving.

-Me shitting on a semi-trailer in a strange part of town.

-Me puking.

-Someone flipping a golf cart.

-Richard falling into the river and drowning.

-Worm doing something highly illegal.

-Jason and Brader showing up out of the blue and sleeping in a tent for no logical reason.

-Someone in Schmock's family crying because one of us is a drunken asshole.

-Truman putting in a five finger chew.

-Everyone living through the weekend.

Semi-Daily Brew Crew Hangover #13

Goddamn Rickie Weeks is making it harder and harder for me to hate him. He still strikes out a shitload, but he has been clutch. And I can all of a sudden trust him in pressure situations. Maybe Melvin wasn't a complete moron for not trading him away.

The Brewers could pick any nine people off the street, slap Brewer unis on them, and find a way to beat the Pirates. It is getting ridiculous at this point.

SATURDAY REVIEW:

I went on this pseudo bus trip thingy on Saturday and thought I would regale you with drunk stories:

- Started drinking at about 1 p.m.

- Arriving at this bar full of drunken strangers could be equated to showing up at Oktoberfest at halftime of the Badger game. Minus a few hundred people. But everyone was ridiculously drunk when we showed up.

- We leave this bar to go to Miller Park and people are puking on the bus.

-More people puke in the parking lot.

-I wish I had my camera along, because I saw a bunch of hilarious things in the next hour:

1) First sight upon entering the parking lot, was a lineup of about twenty guys with their backs to us, pissing into that river that runs through the middle of the parking lot. Just as I was about to join them, the bike cops showed up and disbursed the crowd.

2) The dude that was sitting in front of me on the bus, and was passed out the whole ride, pissed in his pants AT THE FUCKING URINAL. I don't even know how this happens but he started yelling about not being able to get his dick out.

3) 55 year old woman doing a keg stand

- I remember a bottle being passed around by complete strangers and me taking pulls off of it.

- I remember at least some of the game, which I recall was the most boring game ever played.

- At some point, and for some reason, we went into that Friday's in the stadium. I remember it was kind of a cool view.

-After the game, we left the stadium and went immediately to the bus, which promptly left about 80% of the people who came with at the stadium.

-Went to some bar, got even more fucked up.

-We went to some place called Oakland Gyros, and I bought a gyro that was at least the size of my head, and I devoured it, and it was the best thing I had ever eaten up until that point in my life. Actual Greeks worked there. There were a bunch of non-English speaking Greeks there to make sure you didn't steal the cucumber sauce.

- We got to the hotel and I passed out with all of my clothes and my shoes on.

-I woke up and wanted to vomit because all I could taste was that fucking gyro. No amount of teeth brushing could get rid of the taste.

- Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call saved the day again. It is batting 1000.

- I gained 4 lbs last week.