The Milwaukee Brewers have schizophrenia. And I'm honestly not trying to make light of the real disease, which is probably horrible. Maybe they are bi-polar. I dunno. The point is, the Brewers don't seem to know either, which is causing them to play horribly.
Sometimes the starters get shelled, and we all blame that.
Sometimes the bullpen blows a lead, and we all blame that.
Sometimes, we can't hit, and we all blame that.
The Crew is running out of things to blame. Perhaps they aren't that good. As a broad generality, I say that good teams usually don't have this many things go wrong in the first 25 games. And I'm saying this without any stats to back it up. I wish someone would prove me wrong. Sometimes good teams will go through long stretches where a lot of stuff goes wrong, and they figure it out and go on to win. But I just can't fathom a really good, playoff caliber team, that has things go this outrageously wrong with so many different things over the course of this short of a period of time. Its not like when the starters are bad, we lose 6-5. It is 9-3. When the bullpen blows leads, it is a three run lead, and it is three days in a row. When we can't hit, we get shutout 3 out of 4 games, and the game where we do score two runs, one comes on a homer from our pitcher. Things just seem to be getting out of hand.
We already are 7 games behind St. Louis, who has the champagne on ice for their divisional championship celebration on June 3rd. According to coolstandings.com, the Cards have a 77% chance of winning the division. The Brewers have a 4% chance.
Deep Breath. On to the bright side.
We are 25 games into a 1,573 game season. So it is early. And other "good" teams are sucking balls too. And they won't ALL be bad, right? Boston is 11-14 in a much tougher division. The Angels are 12-14. Atlanta is 11-4. The Dodgers are 11-14.
Prince can't possibly be this bad all year.
And if Prince is this bad all year, we can either a) resign him long term or b) convince some team to trade him for a bunch of stuff. But seriously if he sucks this year, he fucks every plan the Brewers are working on right now.
Hoffman will probably figure it out. Right?
Yo.
Rick Peterson's coat can continue to cover up what I imagine is a chest hair fro. (Dude, take off your jacket. It is 70 degrees.)
IN CONCLUSION, if Milwaukee ever needed a day off it is today. They should enjoy their day off in either San Diego or L.A., Ryan Braun can have some sort of red carpet event for whatever he is trying to sell today. I say it is a merkin. My wife says his mouthguards. Either way, he will definitely be in US Weekly this week.
AS AN ASIDE, I was watching the Kentucky Derby on Saturday and saw A-Rodg get interviewed on "Millionaire Row", and he was wearing a douchie fedora and a gray suit. But it was A-Rodg so it was awesome. In the past two weeks I've seen pictures of him in Vegas, and now drinking mint juleps with trophy whores in Kentucky.
Showing posts with label Vegas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Vegas. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
What Happens In Vegas....
....Ends up getting blogged about.
Now I'm not going to sit here and throw up some insanely long post detailing every mundane detail of our trip. But I did want to give you at least a recap that might be worth a chuckle. This is especially true if you know any of the participants.
Also, I wanted to throw up some insanely long post with mundane details.
The co-stars are: Myself, Sports Bottle, Twinkie, a dude named Jim, and a dude named Spensley.
WEDNESDAY
I arrive at Sports Bottle's around midnight. Sit around not doing much. His dog tried to rape me with his nose. We go to bed with a 4:00 am wakeup call.
THURSDAY
Holy fuck is 4 am early. Especially when you aren't sleeping in your own bed. And especially when a cat is getting violated by a fucking bat or something outside your window at 3 am. SportsBottle's lovely girlfriend drove us to the airport in the sweetest Buick ever. I shun the idea of paying $15 to Midwest Airlines and carry all my shit onto the plane. And I had to cram that motherfucker into the overhead compartment. And I didn't care, because I saved $15. Somehow in the 8 foot walk to the bookstore to get a water, I managed to lose my boarding pass. Jim and I win the lottery by being the only two people on the plane to have nobody sitting next to us. It doesn't really make the flight that much more comfortable, but at least I didn't have to worry about somebody's fat roll laying on my lap or anything. No cookies because there is some bullshit rule about not cooking them before 10am or something. Turbulence was bad enough that the flight attendant actually said "This is bad." To the other one.
Finally we arrive in Vegas about 8:30 local time. We get to Bally's via taxi. (For reference, the ride took twice as long and was a 1/4 the price of a cab ride in Green Bay, which is fucking bullshit, and proves my point of bitching. But I digress). Sports Bottle and Jim go to check in while Spensley and I covertly pretend we aren't with them and go to try to scam a free drink. Of course, the dick at the bar is uninterested, even though he knows full well that there is a rule that if you put a $20 in the video poker machine, he is obligated to give you a free drink. There are alot of fucking assholes that work in Vegas as dealers and bartenders. It is a fact. Some people there are just fucking miserable about their lives. Probably because they know that they are going to spend their entire paychecks, and their sizable tips (unless Twinkie is buying your drinks) on gambling and crack. I think Vegas is probably like Hollywood, without the possibility of acting. People get addicted to the fun (which wouldn't be that hard if you are winning) or the glamour, and decide to move there to live it. And usually, it doesn't work out that well. You end up bartending or dealing, which isn't that bad, but it is the best case scenario for these people. Most end up dead, disappeared, or laying on their backs with their legs spread.
Where was I? Oh, so we check in, and decide to walk around a little bit, checking out random sportsbooks, and trying to get free drinks. None really had that option. Oh, and we drank the whole time we walked around. Stopped at the random liquor stores that we passed. Drank as much as possible. Eventually we decide that the deal at Bally's is the best. A bucket of 5 Miller Lite pint bottles for $20. Not really that great of a deal, but we were thirsty. Sat there and watched Game 5, waited for Twinkie to show up.
Game ends and we head out to walk around and gamble. Things were starting to get a bit hazy by this point. I know we went to a couple of low rent ass places on the strip with cheap drinks. Except for when Jim told me that rails were $2 at Bill's Gamblin' Hall (actual place), and it cost me $6. I guess "rail" doesn't also mean "on tap". That would be my last mixed drink of the night. At this point, I was still worried about my budget, and trying to be as cheap as I could so that I could gamble a little. We ended the night (sort of) at this place called O'Shea's, which was not Irish except for the clovers on the blackjack tables. I didn't play a whole lot, but Twinkie and Sports Bottle both played for about 13 hours. From this point on, Twinkie pretty much had no money at all. Sports Bottle was way up at one point before this stop, and the next morning claimed he was down $400. Which is almost as much as I brought along. Jim and I stood near the beer pong tables (yes, there were beer pong tables in this casino) and drank $2 beer at the bar without gambling. Jim eventually starting working on this chick. And he worked. And he worked. He was bringing the heat. I could tell. He had his best closer shit working. I think I saw him spit on the ball ala Mariano Rivera. Turns out that she was a "Butterface". And a snaggletooth. After O'Shea's, and a six run homer by Butterface, we went to Margaritaville. Which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. All fucked up already, we order a round of Margaritas that may or may not have had anything but tequilla in them. Sports Bottle dropped his entire drink on a chair. Three of us were hanging over a balcony screaming about Jim's bachelor party, even though he is not getting married. Somehow Spensley ended up with a Corona topped off with Bacardi, which is about as bad of an idea as is possible. Eventually, the bartender refused to serve me another one, although I think they were closing. We go to head back to O'Shea's but Twinkie is nowhere to be found. He calls and starts talking about being lost and being in a kitchen. After about 20 minutes he is being led out of Margaritaville by two angry employees. I believe he had made his way into the kitchen, but we'll never be sure.
From this point, I had to babysit Twinkie back to Bally's because he was a drunken asshole. The night culminated in him somehow losing a contact in front of the main bank of elevators that lead to the hotel room and him crawling on his hands and knees looking for it, and a security guard showing up and not really enjoying it. As he was escorting us to our room (which we did not have a key for mind you) Twinkie tells the security guard "You just hate me because I'm a Jew, you fucking anti-Semite". Twinkie is definitely not Jewish, but it is possible the guard was an anti-Semite. On the belief that Sports Bottle was passed out in the room, we pound on the door for like 10 straight minutes. Twinkie pounds on other random doors. Finally, the security guard comes back to address a complaint, but Sports Bottle shows up with a key. The three of us pass out.
FRIDAY
In the morning, I wake up to the sound of Spensley falling out of bed. I go to piss and there is a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom soaked with a mystery liquid, from an unknown person. I crawl back into bed for an hour or so. I open my eyes to see a gigantic wad of chew in bed next to me (not from me). Eventually, we all get up and shower except for Spensley. Spensley is lying on the floor, with a pillow covered in chew spit, and his face covered in chew spit. He is in a coma of some type. Perhaps it was not coming back to the room until 7 am, and then falling asleep with a four finger dip in his cheek. Either way, we leave his dumb ass in the room and head to the Rio Sports Book. It was the sickest shit I've ever seen.
We had heard good things about the Rio, all of which were true. The drinks are free if you ask for one. Or if you've been there ordering drinks for 10 hours and the waitress gets tired of asking, they just keep bringing them. You don't even have to be betting, and if you are Twinkie, you don't even have to tip. Of course, betting is alot more fun, so we started betting random horses, hockey game parlays, CFL games and began to make bets for Saturday's college games.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #1
We also placed a bet on the Rutgers-Army game. We had Rutgers +10 and Under 39. Rutgers goes up 17-3 after the 1st, and it looked like our parlay would be over quickly. Somehow the second quarter was scoreless. And it was a 20-3 lead at the end of the third. The teams quickly traded TDs in the fourth to make it 27-10 Rutgers. Rutgers is driving with about 3 minutes left, and have a first and goal on the 1. AND RUTGERS FUCKING FUMBLED!!! ARMY RECOVERS!!! The four of us are jumping up and down cheering. Some random New Jersyites (?) behind us are cheering too. We turn in our card after time runs out and we win....$56 between the 4 of us. See, we aren't the highest rollers in Vegas per se. Drunkest? Possibly. But cheap? Most definitely. The New Jersey guys thought it was the funniest shit ever that we made such a huge deal over $14 a piece. I think we won like 2 out of 50 horse races. Lost the hockey and CFL.
FRIDAY CON'T
The remainder of the night was interesting. After we polished off our 50th mixed drinks. (About 6 oz., fairly weak, but we were there for about 14 hours, so I don't think I'm exaggerating much). We decided to head over to Gold Coast Casino, which is a little towny joint with cheap table games and strong drinks right near the Rio. Had like 5 pretty strong Limon and Cokes, and made a relatively big dent in the House on $3 Roulette. One dealer was name Ramo and he was from Bosnia, and he kept saying "Easy Money!" in an awesome Eastern European accent. The other dealer was Jose, and he made a bunch of derogatory sexual comments about the drink waitress, including the universal jack off sign. Fun times. We also ran into "Asian Spensley". He was a guy wearing a polo shirt and a hat similar to a Spensley outfit, and was about the same height, only he was Asian and 50. We jump into a cab, and I bum a Skoal pouch from Jim, which was a horrible idea. I get out of the cab back at Bally's with a half full spitter and run face first into the marble wall at full drunk speed. I don't fall but am stunned for a moment, and I have no control over my body. I weave my way through the casino back to the room. Things are spinning about a 1000 miles an hour. Somehow, despite hovering over toilet, I manage not to puke. I pass out face first.
Spensley never made it out. About 2 p.m. we got concerned and joked that we were going to have to rent a car and bury his body in the desert because we hadn't heard anything at all from him. Finally, we got a text that just said "puking" at like 4 pm. He was in bed when we got back.
SATURDAY
Somehow, we get up early as shit so that we can get back to the Rio to get a seat for College Football. Twinkie, Spensley and I are fine. Sports Bottle and Jim? No so much. None of us are great, but when I start pounding Miller Lites at 9 a.m., the mere thought made Sports Bottle puke. He and Jim left. Twinkie tried but I wouldn't let him. The three remaining solders go on a historic horse run hitting on 5 of 9 winners, and having a community bank roll of over $35 to make $3 bets, which lasts us almost the rest of the day.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #2
For some reason, we made a whole bunch of group and individual bets, that resulted in a shitload (relatively speaking) of money on Iowa against Michigan St. Perhaps it was familiarity with the Big Ten, or the undefeated record, but based on the outcome of the Iowa game we were all going to make quite a bit (relatively speaking) of money or not. The game was a Pick 'em. We all saw Wisconsin play both teams and believed that Sparty sucked. Sports Bottle finally got back for the start. It wasn't looking good for a while, but when Iowa scored on the last play the entire casino erupted. It was fucking fantastic.
SATURDAY CON'T
We all stayed until the Boise St. game was over, because we all had money to win on it, then we headed back to Bally's for some drunken roulette and Go Go dancers. Oh, and getting yelled at by the roulette dealer guy because I was too drunk to understand the rules. I ended up winning around $125 on college football, so the day was a success.
SUNDAY
Watched all the NFL games at Bally's. Didn't drink. Won like another $150 or so. Flew home around midnight. Almost died driving back to Green Bay from Milwaukee.
NEAR GREAT MOMENT IN GAMBLING HISTORY
Sports Bottle missing a 1,000 to 1 12 team parlay at the end of the afternoon games. Ended up getting 10 I think, which is fairly impossible.
MONDAY
Tired as shit.
TUESDAY
Tired as shit.
WEDNESDAY
Tired as shit.
FINAL SCORECARD:
Approx. 105 drinks (and that might be conservative)
2 meals at Sbarro's
2 meals at Nathan's
0 meals enjoyed at either one
2 meals at the Sportsbook Cafe at the Rio
2 drunken, toothless rednecks from Arkansas sitting next to me smoking in the non-smoking sportsbook on Saturday
1 number of division one colleges said toothless redneck from Arkansas thought were in the state of Iowa. (claimed to be a professional gambler)
20 rank of Miami of Ohio according to said toothless redneck from Arkansas
0 dips I will ever drunkenly do again
Cost of trip after gambling winnings, and not including plane ticket $100
Now I'm not going to sit here and throw up some insanely long post detailing every mundane detail of our trip. But I did want to give you at least a recap that might be worth a chuckle. This is especially true if you know any of the participants.
Also, I wanted to throw up some insanely long post with mundane details.
The co-stars are: Myself, Sports Bottle, Twinkie, a dude named Jim, and a dude named Spensley.
WEDNESDAY
I arrive at Sports Bottle's around midnight. Sit around not doing much. His dog tried to rape me with his nose. We go to bed with a 4:00 am wakeup call.
THURSDAY
Holy fuck is 4 am early. Especially when you aren't sleeping in your own bed. And especially when a cat is getting violated by a fucking bat or something outside your window at 3 am. SportsBottle's lovely girlfriend drove us to the airport in the sweetest Buick ever. I shun the idea of paying $15 to Midwest Airlines and carry all my shit onto the plane. And I had to cram that motherfucker into the overhead compartment. And I didn't care, because I saved $15. Somehow in the 8 foot walk to the bookstore to get a water, I managed to lose my boarding pass. Jim and I win the lottery by being the only two people on the plane to have nobody sitting next to us. It doesn't really make the flight that much more comfortable, but at least I didn't have to worry about somebody's fat roll laying on my lap or anything. No cookies because there is some bullshit rule about not cooking them before 10am or something. Turbulence was bad enough that the flight attendant actually said "This is bad." To the other one.
Finally we arrive in Vegas about 8:30 local time. We get to Bally's via taxi. (For reference, the ride took twice as long and was a 1/4 the price of a cab ride in Green Bay, which is fucking bullshit, and proves my point of bitching. But I digress). Sports Bottle and Jim go to check in while Spensley and I covertly pretend we aren't with them and go to try to scam a free drink. Of course, the dick at the bar is uninterested, even though he knows full well that there is a rule that if you put a $20 in the video poker machine, he is obligated to give you a free drink. There are alot of fucking assholes that work in Vegas as dealers and bartenders. It is a fact. Some people there are just fucking miserable about their lives. Probably because they know that they are going to spend their entire paychecks, and their sizable tips (unless Twinkie is buying your drinks) on gambling and crack. I think Vegas is probably like Hollywood, without the possibility of acting. People get addicted to the fun (which wouldn't be that hard if you are winning) or the glamour, and decide to move there to live it. And usually, it doesn't work out that well. You end up bartending or dealing, which isn't that bad, but it is the best case scenario for these people. Most end up dead, disappeared, or laying on their backs with their legs spread.
Where was I? Oh, so we check in, and decide to walk around a little bit, checking out random sportsbooks, and trying to get free drinks. None really had that option. Oh, and we drank the whole time we walked around. Stopped at the random liquor stores that we passed. Drank as much as possible. Eventually we decide that the deal at Bally's is the best. A bucket of 5 Miller Lite pint bottles for $20. Not really that great of a deal, but we were thirsty. Sat there and watched Game 5, waited for Twinkie to show up.
Game ends and we head out to walk around and gamble. Things were starting to get a bit hazy by this point. I know we went to a couple of low rent ass places on the strip with cheap drinks. Except for when Jim told me that rails were $2 at Bill's Gamblin' Hall (actual place), and it cost me $6. I guess "rail" doesn't also mean "on tap". That would be my last mixed drink of the night. At this point, I was still worried about my budget, and trying to be as cheap as I could so that I could gamble a little. We ended the night (sort of) at this place called O'Shea's, which was not Irish except for the clovers on the blackjack tables. I didn't play a whole lot, but Twinkie and Sports Bottle both played for about 13 hours. From this point on, Twinkie pretty much had no money at all. Sports Bottle was way up at one point before this stop, and the next morning claimed he was down $400. Which is almost as much as I brought along. Jim and I stood near the beer pong tables (yes, there were beer pong tables in this casino) and drank $2 beer at the bar without gambling. Jim eventually starting working on this chick. And he worked. And he worked. He was bringing the heat. I could tell. He had his best closer shit working. I think I saw him spit on the ball ala Mariano Rivera. Turns out that she was a "Butterface". And a snaggletooth. After O'Shea's, and a six run homer by Butterface, we went to Margaritaville. Which, in retrospect, was a horrible idea. All fucked up already, we order a round of Margaritas that may or may not have had anything but tequilla in them. Sports Bottle dropped his entire drink on a chair. Three of us were hanging over a balcony screaming about Jim's bachelor party, even though he is not getting married. Somehow Spensley ended up with a Corona topped off with Bacardi, which is about as bad of an idea as is possible. Eventually, the bartender refused to serve me another one, although I think they were closing. We go to head back to O'Shea's but Twinkie is nowhere to be found. He calls and starts talking about being lost and being in a kitchen. After about 20 minutes he is being led out of Margaritaville by two angry employees. I believe he had made his way into the kitchen, but we'll never be sure.
From this point, I had to babysit Twinkie back to Bally's because he was a drunken asshole. The night culminated in him somehow losing a contact in front of the main bank of elevators that lead to the hotel room and him crawling on his hands and knees looking for it, and a security guard showing up and not really enjoying it. As he was escorting us to our room (which we did not have a key for mind you) Twinkie tells the security guard "You just hate me because I'm a Jew, you fucking anti-Semite". Twinkie is definitely not Jewish, but it is possible the guard was an anti-Semite. On the belief that Sports Bottle was passed out in the room, we pound on the door for like 10 straight minutes. Twinkie pounds on other random doors. Finally, the security guard comes back to address a complaint, but Sports Bottle shows up with a key. The three of us pass out.
FRIDAY
In the morning, I wake up to the sound of Spensley falling out of bed. I go to piss and there is a newspaper on the floor in the bathroom soaked with a mystery liquid, from an unknown person. I crawl back into bed for an hour or so. I open my eyes to see a gigantic wad of chew in bed next to me (not from me). Eventually, we all get up and shower except for Spensley. Spensley is lying on the floor, with a pillow covered in chew spit, and his face covered in chew spit. He is in a coma of some type. Perhaps it was not coming back to the room until 7 am, and then falling asleep with a four finger dip in his cheek. Either way, we leave his dumb ass in the room and head to the Rio Sports Book. It was the sickest shit I've ever seen.
We had heard good things about the Rio, all of which were true. The drinks are free if you ask for one. Or if you've been there ordering drinks for 10 hours and the waitress gets tired of asking, they just keep bringing them. You don't even have to be betting, and if you are Twinkie, you don't even have to tip. Of course, betting is alot more fun, so we started betting random horses, hockey game parlays, CFL games and began to make bets for Saturday's college games.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #1
We also placed a bet on the Rutgers-Army game. We had Rutgers +10 and Under 39. Rutgers goes up 17-3 after the 1st, and it looked like our parlay would be over quickly. Somehow the second quarter was scoreless. And it was a 20-3 lead at the end of the third. The teams quickly traded TDs in the fourth to make it 27-10 Rutgers. Rutgers is driving with about 3 minutes left, and have a first and goal on the 1. AND RUTGERS FUCKING FUMBLED!!! ARMY RECOVERS!!! The four of us are jumping up and down cheering. Some random New Jersyites (?) behind us are cheering too. We turn in our card after time runs out and we win....$56 between the 4 of us. See, we aren't the highest rollers in Vegas per se. Drunkest? Possibly. But cheap? Most definitely. The New Jersey guys thought it was the funniest shit ever that we made such a huge deal over $14 a piece. I think we won like 2 out of 50 horse races. Lost the hockey and CFL.
FRIDAY CON'T
The remainder of the night was interesting. After we polished off our 50th mixed drinks. (About 6 oz., fairly weak, but we were there for about 14 hours, so I don't think I'm exaggerating much). We decided to head over to Gold Coast Casino, which is a little towny joint with cheap table games and strong drinks right near the Rio. Had like 5 pretty strong Limon and Cokes, and made a relatively big dent in the House on $3 Roulette. One dealer was name Ramo and he was from Bosnia, and he kept saying "Easy Money!" in an awesome Eastern European accent. The other dealer was Jose, and he made a bunch of derogatory sexual comments about the drink waitress, including the universal jack off sign. Fun times. We also ran into "Asian Spensley". He was a guy wearing a polo shirt and a hat similar to a Spensley outfit, and was about the same height, only he was Asian and 50. We jump into a cab, and I bum a Skoal pouch from Jim, which was a horrible idea. I get out of the cab back at Bally's with a half full spitter and run face first into the marble wall at full drunk speed. I don't fall but am stunned for a moment, and I have no control over my body. I weave my way through the casino back to the room. Things are spinning about a 1000 miles an hour. Somehow, despite hovering over toilet, I manage not to puke. I pass out face first.
Spensley never made it out. About 2 p.m. we got concerned and joked that we were going to have to rent a car and bury his body in the desert because we hadn't heard anything at all from him. Finally, we got a text that just said "puking" at like 4 pm. He was in bed when we got back.
SATURDAY
Somehow, we get up early as shit so that we can get back to the Rio to get a seat for College Football. Twinkie, Spensley and I are fine. Sports Bottle and Jim? No so much. None of us are great, but when I start pounding Miller Lites at 9 a.m., the mere thought made Sports Bottle puke. He and Jim left. Twinkie tried but I wouldn't let him. The three remaining solders go on a historic horse run hitting on 5 of 9 winners, and having a community bank roll of over $35 to make $3 bets, which lasts us almost the rest of the day.
GREAT MOMENTS IN GAMBLING HISTORY #2
For some reason, we made a whole bunch of group and individual bets, that resulted in a shitload (relatively speaking) of money on Iowa against Michigan St. Perhaps it was familiarity with the Big Ten, or the undefeated record, but based on the outcome of the Iowa game we were all going to make quite a bit (relatively speaking) of money or not. The game was a Pick 'em. We all saw Wisconsin play both teams and believed that Sparty sucked. Sports Bottle finally got back for the start. It wasn't looking good for a while, but when Iowa scored on the last play the entire casino erupted. It was fucking fantastic.
SATURDAY CON'T
We all stayed until the Boise St. game was over, because we all had money to win on it, then we headed back to Bally's for some drunken roulette and Go Go dancers. Oh, and getting yelled at by the roulette dealer guy because I was too drunk to understand the rules. I ended up winning around $125 on college football, so the day was a success.
SUNDAY
Watched all the NFL games at Bally's. Didn't drink. Won like another $150 or so. Flew home around midnight. Almost died driving back to Green Bay from Milwaukee.
NEAR GREAT MOMENT IN GAMBLING HISTORY
Sports Bottle missing a 1,000 to 1 12 team parlay at the end of the afternoon games. Ended up getting 10 I think, which is fairly impossible.
MONDAY
Tired as shit.
TUESDAY
Tired as shit.
WEDNESDAY
Tired as shit.
FINAL SCORECARD:
Approx. 105 drinks (and that might be conservative)
2 meals at Sbarro's
2 meals at Nathan's
0 meals enjoyed at either one
2 meals at the Sportsbook Cafe at the Rio
2 drunken, toothless rednecks from Arkansas sitting next to me smoking in the non-smoking sportsbook on Saturday
1 number of division one colleges said toothless redneck from Arkansas thought were in the state of Iowa. (claimed to be a professional gambler)
20 rank of Miami of Ohio according to said toothless redneck from Arkansas
0 dips I will ever drunkenly do again
Cost of trip after gambling winnings, and not including plane ticket $100
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
More Vegas Stuff
Since I have nothing to do but pretend to work at this job that is also pretending to pay me, I thought I would share this nugget that I retrieved while "working".
We are staying at Bally's when we go to Vegas. On November 21, 1980, there was a fire at Bally's that KILLED 85 PEOPLE and is still the largest disaster in Nevada history in terms of loss of life. Well fuck me. It is a good thing that I find ghosts that are horribly burned to be a turn on.
We are staying at Bally's when we go to Vegas. On November 21, 1980, there was a fire at Bally's that KILLED 85 PEOPLE and is still the largest disaster in Nevada history in terms of loss of life. Well fuck me. It is a good thing that I find ghosts that are horribly burned to be a turn on.
Great Moments In OJSFA History
Lets put aside for a second the fact that Mark decided for some reason to put his wedding over fielding a complete team this week. It is what it is. Mark didn't start a TE or DEF. Fine. I get it. I'll admit I'm lucky. But consider what happened last night, and tell me it isn't super fucking cool. Or at least dramatic.
I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.
I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?
This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.
"DAVID V. GOLIATH"
Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.
VEGAS
We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.
I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.
MORE CAB STUFF
I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?
I needed about 27 points from Dr. Phil Rivers and Antonio Gates. The pair got out of the gates quickly, and put up about 22 in the first half. For a second, I almost thought I was going to breeze to a win. Then, Denver once again turned into the reincarnation of the Orange Crush of the 1970's and started to destroy San Diego's offensive line. By the end of the 3rd quarter, I still was down 5. San Diego managed like 19 yards offense in the third quarter. Cue up the two minute warning. STILL down about five. San Diego goes into hurry up mode. Rivers completes a 15 yard or so pass. Next play he gets fucking drilled, fumbles (which is minus 2) only the ball bounces off the ground, directly back into Rivers hands. He completes a few more passes, putting me within a point or so. Next play, 1:37 left, his arm gets hit as he throws, somehow the ball goes forward, but is super high in the air and floats for about five yards, where Gates comes out of nowhere to catch it for a 10 yard gain to put me ahead by my .58 point margin of victory. But it doesn't stop there. The next play, Rivers is drilled in the back and FUMBLES AGAIN. But this time it is recovered by an O-lineman. I almost shat myself watching the last two minutes of an 11 point game. I had a miraculous catch of a floater, that just happened to be by my TE. Had it been anyone else, I lose. I had TWO near lost fumbles in the last 4 plays, either one of which costs me the game. Does it matter to me that I should've won easily, or that Mark left 60 points on his bench. Fuck. No.
I would vote this into a top 10 moment in OJSFA history somewhere alongside the reversed McNabb TD on a Wednesday a few years back that cost Schmock a win. The DeSean Jackson fumble at the one on a flubbed celebration. And the Westbrook kneel down at the one. Any others come to mind?
This is just the continuation of what has been a great week so far (Packer win, easy work week, two great baseball games, Vegas trip). I just hope Karma doesn't reverse itself on Thursday and our plane crashes or something.
"DAVID V. GOLIATH"
Someone seriously said on ESPN that Jimmy Rollins' walk-off last night off of Jonathan Broxton was a David and Goliath moment. WHAT? Didn't Rollins win the MVP like 2 years ago? What the fuck? Did I miss something? I realize Rollins has had his struggles this year, but David v. Goliath? Its not like some 8 year old hit Broxton's 99 mph fastball for a walk off double. The media is stupid.
VEGAS
We were one out away from 2 guaranteed games in Vegas. At least the Halos came through. I just came to the realization that I am only sleeping in my bed once more before Vegas. 46 hours until takeoff.
I have made the executive decision not to check a bag, because I refuse to pay the airline $20 extra. I don't care if I have to spend $20 buying little bottles of shampoo. I'm not doing it.
MORE CAB STUFF
I was informed of a few missing details by my wife from the cab ride. First, there were like 15 bobble heads attached to the dude's dashboard, which makes no sense. Second, is a little bit longer story. There is this new restaurant in GB called Longhorn Steakhouse, which I'm pretty sure is a chain. Regardless, it just opened in GB about a month and a half ago. I haven't been there, so I have no details. Anyway, in the drunken conversation with the cabbie, this place somehow came up. The cabbie allegedly said that he had been there TWENTY EIGHT TIMES since it opened. Which, my wife allegedly responded "That is like every other day for a month! How do you afford that?" If the response was anything other than "I charge $175 an hour to drive a van." He was lying. Also, there is no fucking way the guy could afford to eat McDonald's 28 times in 45 days. Why would you make that shit up?
Monday, October 19, 2009
Cab Drivers Stealing from Drunken Customers
$35. That is how much I paid for a drunken cab ride home at 1:30 a.m. on Saturday. According to Google Maps that is a 12 min cab ride, 8.4 miles in total. Only the last three blocks would have a speed limit under 45 mph. That is $175 per hour for those not good at math. About the same as Twinkie's divorce attorney is going to charge him per hour after his wife finds out what he did in Vegas next weekend. Also, the attorney went to school for about 7 years, has a license that is relatively difficult to obtain, and has to deal with a ton of bullshit. The cab driver is an 8th grade dropout, who hasn't showered in 7 years, and has a license that everyone on earth over the age of 16 has. I'm just sayin'.
Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.
The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.
OTHER NOTES:
-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.
-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.
-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?
-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.
-59-0. Yikes.
-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.
Somehow, this same exact cab ride has varied from between $20 and $35 over the past few years. Yet nobody can explain it to me. Partially because they can pretty much charge whatever the fuck they want because they now know where I live, and partially because I'm at a .34. The key is to pass out like Richard. That way you never have to pay for the cab. And you get to stay at my house and be fed for free. (Fucking deadbeat). Also, just sayin'.
The point of this article is that I have no point. I have relatively few things to do at work this week. I have a full day tomorrow, and a half day on Wednesday, with a seminar the other half day. Then, it is off to Vegas where I plan to make more money in 72 hours than I will in the next 72 months. My liver hurts just thinking about it. Also, low 80's and sunny every day. Fuckin' a.
OTHER NOTES:
-The wedding was great, fun was had by all. We may just have to do it again for Schmock in November.
-The Packers had the worst 26-0 win ever yesterday. I gave the Lions WAY too much credit this year. They didn't even try. I realize they had no Megatron, but holy shit were they awful. Marquand Manuel (who has his own OJSFA award based on how bad he was during his season in Green Bay 4 years ago)? How is that guy doing anything but bagging groceries? Ditto for Ryan "2.9 yds a carry" Grant.
-Fucking Vikings. What other team would have the other team miss a 44 yard FG in a dome to win?
-I may still lose to Mark's half fantasy football team due to the fact that Moss and Schaub scored like 100 points by themselves yesterday. Need 27 from Rivers/Gates, which should be done, but you never know.
-59-0. Yikes.
-Fucking Jeter just hit a leadoff homer. This is starting to hamper the possibility of an ALCS game in Vegas.
Friday, October 16, 2009
R.I.P. Our Friend Mark
Weddings are a magical time. A time when love between a man and a woman (or a man and a man or woman and women, but definitely not between a man and a llama) is solemnized in front of (Sports Bottle's) god for all of time (or until the bitch cheats). It tends to get dusty at weddings (fuck you guys) as well. But mostly, if you aren't the one getting married, it is a time to put on a tux, stand in place for an hour in a hot ass church, and look at your watch every 14 seconds and ask yourself "Is this shit almost over yet? Fuck! I'm thirsty and I know there is a couple of cases of beer in that bus in the parking lot." It is also a time to check the score of the Badger game every 3 minutes on your BlackBerry. It is a time to eat family style broasted chicken when you are super ass drunk. It is a time to get blacked out while Richard gets his third wind, requests "Billie Jean" and dances his face off. And finally, it is a time to mourn the death of a good friend. So if you aren't at the wedding (or if you are) at around 2 p.m., I would ask you to pour out some of that 40 oz for Mark. It was nice to know you.
MORE VEGAS
In response to my brother's semi-monthly post. Sorry about the date switch, wish you could be there. Sports Bottle takes full blame for this because he had 7 other vacations to squeeze in and plan around, and I guess this works better. I hope you really did send me that check. I might toss a few bucks on the under for Bucks wins as well. I bet the O/U is like 35. Also, sign up for Fantasy Basketball you fuck. I don't care if you ever check your roster, but we are stuck at 7 right now and need an even number. Fucking Jeff Higgins. Goddamn was that awesome. But I seriously hope we don't run into him. 5 days, 22 hours until takeoff.
PICKS
Last Week: 8-6
Season: 41-35
All-Time: 175-161-8
Cin (-5), Det (+14), Min (-3), NYG (+3), Pit (-15), Car (-3), Was (-7), Jax (-10), Ari (+3), Phi (-15), NE (-10), NYJ (-10), Atl (-3), SD (-4)
A few comments on the lines. Didn't Jacksonville just lose 41-0 last week? How the fuck are they favored by 10 over anybody???? And yet I picked them because the Rams are that bad. Also, that Philly over Oakland line could be 30 and I would probably take it.
Green Bay wins 34-24. I don't think the Lions are that bad. They've looked feisty this year. But if Megatron is out, I don't see any way they beat us. I figure they will get a TD on special teams, and BF Culpepper will run one in. A-Rodg should have a big day despite getting sacked 9 times. Grant doesn't make to the sidelines until the middle of the second quarter because he falls down every 2.9 yards trying to walk from the locker room to the sidelines. B-Jax makes a good debut in his place averaging like 5 yds a carry and getting 6 catches out of the backfield, but McCarthy then promptly benches him for Grant with no rhyme or reason.
I think (#22)Bucky eeks one out v. (#2)Iowa for some reason. It is a good rivalry game, and always close regardless of record. I'm seeing 21-20 for some reason.
MORE VEGAS
In response to my brother's semi-monthly post. Sorry about the date switch, wish you could be there. Sports Bottle takes full blame for this because he had 7 other vacations to squeeze in and plan around, and I guess this works better. I hope you really did send me that check. I might toss a few bucks on the under for Bucks wins as well. I bet the O/U is like 35. Also, sign up for Fantasy Basketball you fuck. I don't care if you ever check your roster, but we are stuck at 7 right now and need an even number. Fucking Jeff Higgins. Goddamn was that awesome. But I seriously hope we don't run into him. 5 days, 22 hours until takeoff.
PICKS
Last Week: 8-6
Season: 41-35
All-Time: 175-161-8
Cin (-5), Det (+14), Min (-3), NYG (+3), Pit (-15), Car (-3), Was (-7), Jax (-10), Ari (+3), Phi (-15), NE (-10), NYJ (-10), Atl (-3), SD (-4)
A few comments on the lines. Didn't Jacksonville just lose 41-0 last week? How the fuck are they favored by 10 over anybody???? And yet I picked them because the Rams are that bad. Also, that Philly over Oakland line could be 30 and I would probably take it.
Green Bay wins 34-24. I don't think the Lions are that bad. They've looked feisty this year. But if Megatron is out, I don't see any way they beat us. I figure they will get a TD on special teams, and BF Culpepper will run one in. A-Rodg should have a big day despite getting sacked 9 times. Grant doesn't make to the sidelines until the middle of the second quarter because he falls down every 2.9 yards trying to walk from the locker room to the sidelines. B-Jax makes a good debut in his place averaging like 5 yds a carry and getting 6 catches out of the backfield, but McCarthy then promptly benches him for Grant with no rhyme or reason.
I think (#22)Bucky eeks one out v. (#2)Iowa for some reason. It is a good rivalry game, and always close regardless of record. I'm seeing 21-20 for some reason.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Can We Bring Him Along? Pleeease?
Since I obviously love where all of this is going, I thought of a quote that ties all this talk of Sports Bottle's God and Vegas into one tight little package (not involving little boys, edit THAT fucker).
"And the Pope is infallible, we're taught that, Pope can't make a mistake, so I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic churches money on 17 black.' [casino sound] '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!""
--David Cross.
"And the Pope is infallible, we're taught that, Pope can't make a mistake, so I don't know why the Catholic church just doesn't take that motherfucker to Vegas. 'All right, put all the Catholic churches money on 17 black.' [casino sound] '32 red, I'm sorry.' 'No, I don't think you heard, he said 17 black! Thank you! Let's go to Bellagio!""
--David Cross.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Vegas Baseball Schedule (If Necessary)
Thurs. Game 5 ALCS
Fri. Game 6 NLCS
Sat. Game 6 ALCS, Game 7 NLCS (How fucking cool would this day be?)
Sun. Game 7 NLCS
This has to be the exact weekend I went to Vegas the last time and came up engaged. We watched Game 6 of Yankees-Red Sox in the hotel room and Game 7 in the airport. In 2004.
Fri. Game 6 NLCS
Sat. Game 6 ALCS, Game 7 NLCS (How fucking cool would this day be?)
Sun. Game 7 NLCS
This has to be the exact weekend I went to Vegas the last time and came up engaged. We watched Game 6 of Yankees-Red Sox in the hotel room and Game 7 in the airport. In 2004.
Getting Paid To Blog?
Well, not actually, but I got a free book from Acme Packing Company for commenting on one of their articles/playing in a fantasy football league. $16 value! I should take a picture of it and hang it above the front door of this shithole or something to signify the first dollar made.
There may very well be a football game on tonight. Speaking of which, I had a neighborhood golf outing (which I somehow won despite the fact that I am a shitty golfer and I was the best golfer on my team, +12!!!! in a best ball!!!)/cookout thing on Saturday. Even though it was the absolute last thing I wanted to talk about (see religion/politics) the topic of tonight's game came up. I have an asshole (not really) neighbor who is one of the last two people on earth that is trying to justify straddling the fence on this one. Earlier in the week, he tried to tell me it is like being a kid when your parent's get divorced. I told him that I could see that, except that the next year your dad proceeded to rape your sister in front of you while the media hails him as a hero, and he plays his "Aw shucks, I just love pussy" card. I even warned him not to bring the shit up. Of course he did, and he is one of those guys who has to make his opinion heard, even when it is fucking idiotic. He and like two women were in agreement. 95% of the people agreed with me but didn't want to be assholes and cause a rift in the neighborhood (again, see religion/politics). I seriously wanted to tip over the picnic table and all the shit on it and storm off. I was so fucking pissed. It made me feel better than when one of the other neighbors, who is like 75 and a high school football coach kind of nudged me and said "He's not a Packer fan." I'm at about a 9 on the anxiety level today and fully plan on getting nothing accomplished.
Also, I'm putting the clock radio in the living room (which I NEVER do) and listening to Wayne Larivee and Larry McCarren tonight because I can't handle Gruden sucking He Who Shall Not Be Named's cock every time he throws a two yard out.
Great upcoming sports week though. Fucking Twinkies somehow got into a one game playoff which is tomorrow, followed by playoff baseball every night the rest of the week. Should be pretty great. It just occurred to me that we could either get some Championship Series (like games 6 and 7) or get no playoff baseball while in Vegas.
There may very well be a football game on tonight. Speaking of which, I had a neighborhood golf outing (which I somehow won despite the fact that I am a shitty golfer and I was the best golfer on my team, +12!!!! in a best ball!!!)/cookout thing on Saturday. Even though it was the absolute last thing I wanted to talk about (see religion/politics) the topic of tonight's game came up. I have an asshole (not really) neighbor who is one of the last two people on earth that is trying to justify straddling the fence on this one. Earlier in the week, he tried to tell me it is like being a kid when your parent's get divorced. I told him that I could see that, except that the next year your dad proceeded to rape your sister in front of you while the media hails him as a hero, and he plays his "Aw shucks, I just love pussy" card. I even warned him not to bring the shit up. Of course he did, and he is one of those guys who has to make his opinion heard, even when it is fucking idiotic. He and like two women were in agreement. 95% of the people agreed with me but didn't want to be assholes and cause a rift in the neighborhood (again, see religion/politics). I seriously wanted to tip over the picnic table and all the shit on it and storm off. I was so fucking pissed. It made me feel better than when one of the other neighbors, who is like 75 and a high school football coach kind of nudged me and said "He's not a Packer fan." I'm at about a 9 on the anxiety level today and fully plan on getting nothing accomplished.
Also, I'm putting the clock radio in the living room (which I NEVER do) and listening to Wayne Larivee and Larry McCarren tonight because I can't handle Gruden sucking He Who Shall Not Be Named's cock every time he throws a two yard out.
Great upcoming sports week though. Fucking Twinkies somehow got into a one game playoff which is tomorrow, followed by playoff baseball every night the rest of the week. Should be pretty great. It just occurred to me that we could either get some Championship Series (like games 6 and 7) or get no playoff baseball while in Vegas.
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Never Not Good
Probably the sole reason that I read every Simmons article. The Vegas Running Diary. Also, ALL Vegas running diaries are great. And if you don't think I'm doing one in October, you are dead wrong. One of the guys (complete stranger) we are going with wrote one that took me like 5 days to read, although I can't find the link.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Dells Debut
So tomorrow is going to mark the fourth consecutive Saturday that I get black out drunk. For a man my age, with a real job, and a house, and a wife (thank (Sports Bottle's) god no fucking kids), it is an impressive feat. Very difficult to do, especially since it was probably around 2003 the last time it happened.
Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.
I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.
I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.
VEGAS UPDATE
The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.
PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.
BREW CREW HANGOVER
Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.
NEW BLOG
unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)
Yes friends, this weekend is Schmock's bachelor party. It is taking place in Wisconsin Dells. I have never been drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which makes it one of the few "major" destinations in Wisconsin that I have not been intoxicated in. In fact, it has probably been about 15 years since I've been there at all. And every trip involved just going to a waterpark and going home. It is, after all, the waterpark capital of the world. So I will get drunk in Wisconsin Dells, which is nice. I imagine the party to fall somewhere in between falling asleep cuddling Worm at 8 p.m., and paying prostitutes to do a group golden shower on Schmock. The possibilities are endless.
I really have no idea what to expect, because I have never been there before. Each city in Wisconsin has its own ebbs and flows to drinking. They are hard to describe, and generally if you are good at it, you end up blacked out regardless, but if you have spent significant time drinking in various Wisconsin hamlets, you understand what I mean.
I'm not really sure what my point is other than that I'm getting up at like 5:30 am tomorrow, to drive to a strange town to drink all day.
VEGAS UPDATE
The shit is on bitches. Sports Bottle, Richard, a bunch of strange homosexual men and I are headed to Vegas in late October. I intentionally spent an extra $45 on a plane ticket so I could a) drive an extra 3 hours, b) get zero sleep on Monday morning, c) start drinking at 9 a.m. on a Thursday, and d) join the mile high club with Sports Bottle. Now that the tickets were finally booked, and if you haven't done it in a while, is super motherfucking stressful and time consuming, I can get back to blogging instead of working as opposed to checking plane ticket prices and not working.
PS. Plenty of space available on the gayest Vegas trip ever. And yes, I'm talking to you Twinkie.
BREW CREW HANGOVER
Hey, they didn't lose last night. And the pitching staff didn't give up any home runs. Too bad the mighty Washington Nationals are up next. The funny thing is, as bad as the Crew has been, Braun and Fielder have been carrying my fantasy team. Oh, and I haven't watched a whole game in like 2 weeks, and it has been not stressful.
NEW BLOG
unkownqbdiary.blogspot.com had a pretty good first, and likely last post. I agree with much of it, except that He Who Shall Not Be Named is definitely to blame. And I wish bodily harm on him. Or at least bags of bodily fluids. His "fans" are fucking annoying as shit. (EDITORS NOTE: Did you realize you fucking spelled "UNKNOWN" wrong in the title of your blog? UnKOWN is going to make it difficult to find my man.)
Sunday, December 21, 2008
SI Review
I'll begin my weekly snoozefest by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas. Who still needs to Christmas shop? I do. I've pretty much put an end to all packed parking lots, screaming children and long lines. My shopping is done online. Anyways, I'd like to give a happy birthday shout out to (the Sports Bottle's) savior, Jesus Christ. I appreciate you dying for my sins, although I wouldn't be born for another almost 2000 years but, from what I understand, there was a disclaimer that you also died for everyone's sins for the rest of eternity. Dude, seriously, you rock. I don't think I'd have the balls. That must have seriously hurt. But, as David Cross said, why wouldn't you do it? But we won't get into that.
Moving on...
I'm mildly aroused by the cover of this week's edition, and not because they're gonna discuss the "Steel Curtain II." I'm excited about the Vegas related article. We'll get to that later.
(I have the Patriots/Cardinals game on the tube right now. Leinart is just an awkward looking QB. 44-0 Patriots.)
In the Leading Off section we see a picture of the Nebraska women's volleyball team approximately 1.5 seconds after they won some big match. I always find it surprising how similar male and female celebrations are in these circumstances. The only real difference is the shrieking level. But you'll always have the awkward white guy jump (see Phil Mickelson 2004 Masters). In every male celebration you have one of two things - the smear the queer pile up or the large circle jerk where all the guys are jumping up and down in a tight circle. I prefer the pile up. The circle jerk looks completely retarded. The best celebration is the shot of the outfielders in the World Series when the 3rd out is made. They get a good five seconds of isolated celebration before they reach the mound and join in on the ass raping of any given closer.
SI Players NBA Poll - Which team will win the NBA title this season? The results were overwhelming, which did not surprise me. But the #1 choice isn't who I would've guessed. The Lakers were #1 with 67%. The Celtics had 20% and the Cavs had 4%.
Dan Patricks weekly interview - Visanthe Shiancoe. Hmmmm, I wonder what this will be about. Hold on........ Yep, the whole interview is about his junk. Just wonderful.
I've always wondered why I have this pre-conception that the Steeler D is always good. Well, I now have my answer - since 2000, the Steelers have not finished out of the top 10 in total defense. Impressive.
Ahhhh, and here's the Vegas article. The baseball winter meetings took place in Vegas this year. In case anyone doesn't know, Las Vegas is in southern Nevada and is a wonderful place to spend your time, which I will be doing in approximately 25 days from now (there are still openings in case anyone is interested). My crew this year features 3 high school friends and only a few will appreciate the cast. We have my buddy and coworker Petey. But then we also have Worm and Spensley. This, without any doubt, is an all-star cast. Each person has naturally defined roles. I have managed my anticipation beautifully. I'm at about 70% right now and articles like this only help the cause. I'm looking forward to this trip more than normal for several reasons. The last two times I went didn't go well (I have been to Vegas approximately 10 times since 2005 but did not go once in 2008). I got really sick one of those times (self inflicted) and the other time I didn't have a whole lot of money. Money won't be an issue this time. I'll have more money than I've ever had out there. And I will be well rested. I also know at least two of the other guys are big table game players, like myself. And the last reason is my buddy Petey. He's married with kids and was only able to get permission to attend this trip because of all the overtime we've worked this year. He's 99% why Worm and Spensley are going. I may try one of those Sports Guy wrap ups upon my return.
I think Chauncey Billups is a winner. He seems to be the type of player that would make any team better. AI is not that type of player.
Hockey article!!!!!! It's about the much anticipated comeback of Claude Lemieux (I spelled that right the first attempt). I will give a detailed rundown of the article upon request.
2008 Year in Sports Media. These sections are easy to read. 'The Wrestler' is the sports movie of the year. I've heard good things. I guess it's a real life look at some 80's wrestler played by Mickey Rourke.
(Leinart to Fitzgerald 76 yard touchdown. If I were in an important fantasy football game, which I'm not, and I lost because of that, I would be sooooo pissed. It's 47-0 with 6:30 remaining. Why is Fitzgerald playing?).
Other thoughts -
Tyler Hansbrough became the all-time leading scorer in UNC history. Congrats Psycho T.
I have lost all interest in the NFL for the next couple weeks. The Packers suck and my FFL teams are all done. I had a mediocre year in all 3 leagues I'm in. I narrowly missed the playoffs in 2 leagues and lost immediately in the playoffs in the other league. Pretty much par for the course. My FFL prime was around 1995. My interest will pick up significantly around January 18th when I'm perched on the Mirage Sports Book for the NFC/AFC championship games.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Hunting Redux
I live and work in an area where people enjoy killing things. Deer hunting opens this weekend, and the economy pretty much comes to a halt. Schools are off (I shit you not, the one in the town I work in is closed. For deer hunting). Factory workers build up vacation days to use them all to sit outside, sleep and kill things. Old Fashions become a food group. I am not one of those people who kill things. I don't care if people like killing things. It's cool I guess. But I'm not that guy. But the real travesty in all of this (besides the traffic heading north, and the possibility of catching a stray bullet in the gas tank on the way to work), is the fact that the local strip clubs have "ladies night". These illustrious establishments give the ladies the weekend off and bring in dudes. I'm not really sure where I'm going with this because the last strip club I was at was The Spearmint Rhino in Vegas like 3 years ago. What is a guy who doesn't hunt, but likes to look at strange, nude, breasts to do?
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