Or, alternate title: "The Gay Urinal". This is a retrospective of the Packers-Browns preseason game on Saturday night, including two pictures.
Richard, Mrs. Juice, Mrs. Juice's friend and I got to the stadium area around 4:30 (gametime 7). Started out the drinking (besides the two beers before we left) with some green water flavored substance that supposedly contained lime vodka, which almost certainly didn't. It was called a "Packer Backer" and it was a mere $5.50, which is a bargain. At least it was fucking hot, so it hydrated me.
Allegedly the country band "Big & Rich" were playing in the parking lot behind Stadium View. I'm unsure a) why anyone would pay for this when you could clearly hear them outside of the fence or b) if Big & Rich is really a big deal if they are playing in the parking lot behind a bar before a Packer preseason game. Have you HEARD some of the shitty bands that play in these tents before games? The only reason I even though to find out who was playing was that they had the gigantic ass stage that was clearly professional-type. We slug down a couple more beers and head towards the stadium, figuring if we blew $60 on these tickets (forced to by the organization through the "lottery" program by making you pay before you know what game you get) we should at least see the starters play.
On the way in, we see this guy:
Now I realize that this picture doesn't say a whole lot, so let me explain. As I said earlier, it was in the 90s and sunny. This kid was standing on a board, shirtless, with a weird wife-beater tan line, dancing to rather loud Michael Jackson music for tips. And he was dancing his fucking ass off, and just drenched in sweat. Did I tip him? Fuck no I didn't tip him. But I stood and laughed. This kid could not have been more than 14. My wife yells at him, where are your parents? He stops dancing, and yells back, "I'm 17! I can drive myself!" And the crowd roared with laughter. The picture above is him packing up his shit at around 10:30. We first saw him dancing at around 6:15. A little while later, we saw an even younger kid, who I presume was this kids brother, selling water out of a cooler, with no parents in sight. Who said professional football games aren't a family atmosphere?The game itself was fun. We got shitfaced. Packers played well (especially the starters). Found out that they now have "bottomless" popcorn tubs at Lambeau. For $6, you get one of those giant movie sized tubs, and you can refill it as often as you want. Which for an NFL stadium that sells beers for $6.50, is a spectacular deal. We ate two of them between the four of us.
There was a group of 4 ladies between probably 65 and 80 years old, drinking heavily. One lady yelled at the beer vendor, "Hurry up! I'm on Medicare over here!" That was pretty awesome.
I learned another valuable lesson that I believe only applies to warm weather and preseason games. If you bring two attractive women to a preseason game with you, they are going to be hit on by a non-stop barrage of douche bags, and it doesn't matter that they are with other guys, are married, or have boyfriends, or if the douche bags are married. In fact, there was a douche bag in front of us who spent the whole second half turned backwards towards us and was hitting on my wife and her friend right in front of us, even though it was clearly stated on more than one occasion that we were married. Which led to Richard and I having this conversation for the first of many times that night "What is the fucking point?" "What exactly are these guys attempting to accomplish?" "Why are they wasting their time?" We were unable to come up with any answers. This conversation may have taken place in the men's room, in which the gayest photo op ever, was sadly missed. We go in, there are about 14 urinals or so. There are guys lined up in basically every other urinal so I am forced to go to the one right next to Richard, because let's face it, if I have to look at another guy's dick, I might as well be used to it. Anyway, as soon as we start pissing every other guy leaves, leaving Richard and I next to each other, with 12 empty urinals to my left, and no gay urinal between us. To make it worse, we were wearing near identical A.J. Hawk jerseys. That would have been the funniest shit ever. Especially if you know how gay Richard is and how bad he wants to nail me.
On the way out, we were jogging behind this fine thang trying to take her picture (which is why it is so blurry). The picture does not do it justice, but enjoy anyway. I suggest getting a Kleenex ready:
If you can't tell, that is a pink A-Rodg jersey, tight plad shorts, black shoes, a yellow pom-pom on her head, underneath a fucking hat. Couldn't make it up. It is just a small sampling of aboug 85% of chicks at Packer games.
So the game finishes up, and we decide to check out another new gigantic bar by the stadium "Tom, Dick & Harry's". Pretty cool place, gigantic concert area, no smoking, and fantastic pizza. Had a few drinks there and went over to Anduzzi's, where more douche bags needlessly hit on my clearly and audibly married wife and her friend who kept saying she had a boyfriend (even though that is questionable at best). Had half the bar chanting friends name to get her to take a shot (which she did). Richard referred to dancing to Michael Jackson to pick up chicks, and said "P.Y.T." instead of "Pretty Young Thing". It was classic.
Found some random (and by random I mean that I'm pretty sure the guy was a rapist looking for his next victim because his "cab" didn't have a meter) cab to drive us home. Everyone but me immediately passed out, and I quite frankly probably saved everyone's life as a result. Had a beer on the patio, Richard screwed wife's friend while she was passed out, and everyone went to bed. The End.
