Straight from Twitter!

Will Blackmon can be a little rough around the edges on Twitter, but because of that, he'll throw out one of these gems. Love it, Blackmon is moving up a couple of notches on the awesome scale

Target Field Recap

Let me go ahead and get the game/Brewer/Target Field experience out of the way before I get to the stuff everyone really probably wants to read. The seats we had were insane. I've never had seats that good to a baseball game before, and probably never will again. It really does make a difference where you are when you watch the game. When you can see facial expressions and the movement of pitches it makes a huge difference. I felt like I was at a Wisconsin Timber Rattlers game. Our seats were slightly to the left of home plate, about 15 rows up. So close that we routinely ducked when a pitch would get fouled back. It was amazing.

Target Field itself is very nice once you are in your seat. The concourses were extremely narrow, which doesn't make much sense for a brand new stadium. It didn't help that it was about 1000 degrees and I was so hung over I wanted to die, but they were really crowded. The food options were probably a little better than Miller Park, and I wasn't at all interested in beer so I can't give you much there. The area surrounding the stadium was the nicest I've seen by far. Overall, not as fancy as Yankee Stadium, but more functional, and not as large. And the concourses are way too tight. I still prefer the Miller Park experience, especially when you consider that there is no place to tailgate. It was surprisingly easy to park, and though traffic always seems to be mildly horrendous in the Twin Cities, getting out wasn't that bad. I would go back, if only to find that prick that told me to "Get the fuck out of my way!" because I was "going the wrong way down the steps". I was personally unaware there were designated lanes. But it is a new stadium so I could've missed the sign.

During the game, I pitched an inning and 2/3 because Macha felt the need to use every pitcher on his roster the night before to attempt to save his job. John Axford's mustache got the save, and he is now my favorite pitcher. Finally, because we were in good ass seats, we were about ten feet from Zach Braddock's mother and sister as they screamed during his major league debut and illegally recorded it on a camcorder like it was a little league game.

Oh, and Corey Hart hit the first homer into the third deck which had to have been about 475ft, but because it was a visiting player that hit it, the Twins estimated at 440 ft. PPS. I heard Fielder's fat when he got hit by that pitch in his first at bat.

OTHER THINGS

We got DRUNK. Like, my wife and I were both blacked out, stumbled around downtown Minneapolis somehow avoiding being shot, my wife broke her shoe and was walking around barefoot, we finally hailed a cab to get directions to the hotel, but my wife jumped in the backseat and refused to get out, so the cabdriver drove us a block and a half to the hotel, where we had no cash and my wife refused to get out of the cab, but the cab driver didn't want money but I felt the need to go to the ATM to give him $20 anyway, then we both puked and my wife woke up with Ricky's Brewer jersey (that he'd worn that night) and shorts on even though they were way too small on her, so she's totally going to be giving birth to his child in 9 months, and then she proceeded to vomit until about the 5th inning of the game, drunk. So we had some fun. I accidentally drank a "Premium" Grain Belt because a waitress fucked up my order, and the thought of it makes me want to puke again today. The game would've been alot more fun if it wasn't 1000 degrees and I wasn't hung over. Overall, I'm pretty sure downtown Minneapolis was awesome and we both cheated death again. Same time next year????

Now if you will excuse me, I have to spend day one of my vacation doing manual labor in 1000 degree temps.

Border Battle: Baseball Style

So. I guess I am going to a "baseball game" this weekend. Possibly (but highly unlikely unless Twinkies wife pays for the tickets, and she won't be there on Saturday) two. There is also a series of said games taking place this weekend. One team is a team that is named after a birth defect. The other used to be a baseball team, but now is some kind of traveling band of misfits that cause blindness and make you want to kill yourself. Yes, it is the Twinkies v. Brewers. How will the Crew do? Well, lets look at the pitching matchups: Friday Bush v.. Fuck it, I'm not even going to bother. If we win one I would be SHOCKED. A few more bullet points of what is going to happen:

- I'm going to drive 5 hours to go to a state that I may hate more than any other state.

- I'm going to drink too much.

- Richard and my wife will drink too much too.

- Richards "friend" is going to hate me.

- I will either see the last Macha game, or one of the first Randolph/Svuem games.

- The Crew will run Jody Gerut out there to DH. He will go 1 for 12, hit into 2 double plays, and strike out 4 times.

- Hoffman will pitch a game, but in the 6th inning. And he will not give up a run.

- I will be stared at in horror by a bunch of Minnesotans that think they know how to drink, yet the fact that they live on the other side of a river has somehow precluded them from being able to even fathom drinking as much as Wisconsinites.

- There will be numerous Brewer fan/Twin fan fights around bar time

Oh Come On!

Here are what I feel are the relevant stats for Trevor Hoffman. Last season, he pitched 54 innings, and gave up 11 earned runs. This season, he has pitched 13 innings, and has given up 19 earned runs. He has not given up more than 19 ER in a season since 2001. He was 34 years old then. He is 43 now. So let's not bother arguing about whether he is done. Because he is D-U-N.

What I think is important to note is the club's reaction to what has happened. Which has been nothing. And THAT is why Kenny Macha needs to go. Because someone needs to step in and say "Hey, Trev, you've been great. But your ERA is over 13 and you can't get Betty White out. So do us a favor and either retire or take a Suppatical (fake trip to DL)." And Kenny isn't willing to do it. Macha needs to go not because his personality sucks. Or because a manager is somehow supposed to convince Major League players to not suck. He needs to go because a manager's job is to put the team in the best position to win. And he is unwilling to do it I guess. Is this a reaction to an 8 game losing streak? Probably. But that is MY job as a fan.

I look forward to Willie Randolph's first game as manager on Friday night.

Brew Crew (and Other) Hangover

BREW CREW HANGOVER

They might never win another game. At least they are playing on the road this weekend, when I will be there. They have a puncher's chance on the road. At home, they can't do anything right lately. It is becoming borderline painful to watch. Schizophrenic as always. At least they didn't replace Doug Davis with Soup, which shows you how ridiculous it was that he was ever starting in the first place. But if you've got a guy who is only the 8th (assuming Villa is done starting) best starter on your team wasting space in the bullpen, why is he still here at all? Best to Doug Davis. The Brewers seem cursed this year. That Brewer-Cub game in September is looking better and better.

OTHER HANGOVER

My (Sports Bottle's) god. It is painful to type right now. I'm in BAD shape. This is in the top 3 worst second day hangovers I've ever had. And I can't really give you a good reason why. Everything went sort of as planned this weekend. I got really, really drunk on Friday. I wandered away about midnight and got yelled at (probably deservedly so). I blacked out and forgot how I got back to Schmock's house.

Saturday, I woke up with a hangover, killed it with an Excedrin and a screwdriver, and proceeded to get super ass drunk. I had a nice mixture of beer/caffinated mixed drinks, and somehow (I think, I'll be honest when I say I don't remember) stayed away from vodka/cranberry. Spent somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 straight hours at Pack R Place bar, ate a huge greasy burger, a brat and a chicken sandwich. Told a bunch of inappropriate jokes. Good times were had. Then we went to Schmock's parents, and things are a total blur. The only things I remember from the two hours or so we spent there were as follows: I was introduced to Code Red and Vodka, I ate a piece of pizza, we tried to set up my wife's perpetually single friend with another of our perpetually single friends via text message when said girl wasn't there and had never met the guy who was standing there with a three fingered chew in his cheek. I have no clue how much I drank in those two hours. Then we went back to the bar, where the only thing I know for sure is that I had at least one shot. At some point, we walked three miles (or one) back to Schmock's house. I think I immediately passed out.

And then....I puked. Alot, and without warning. I shouldn't say no warning. I had enough warning to get most of it in the toilet. Then I puked again. This time, I almost didn't make it to the bathroom, but thankfully I did. I have no clue what prompted the vomit. It has been awhile. I didn't miss it. Oh, and I blew all the blood vessels in my face and my eyes are yellow, so I look really, really bad. I got all sorts of stares and comments at work, but nobody came right out and said "What the fuck happened to your face?" Although I know they wanted to. Somehow I didn't fall asleep at my desk, or wind up in a ditch on the way home.

Did I mention that I'm doing this again (less one day) on Saturday night? It is a good thing the bars in Minneapolis close at like 10:45. On a scale of one to ten on levels of excitement, with 10 being most excited. I'm a negative 3. And it is only that high because I haven't seen Richard's sweet, sweet ass in like 6 months. But I've got to do what I've got to do. You are only sort of young once. And at some point I'm sure some kid will come along and ruin the opportunity to be completely retarded. And I've got a contract with Richard signed in blood to get blacked out every time I see him. So there is that.

I'm a Junkie

I have a problem. About 18 months ago, I came across Alka-Seltzer Wake Up Call. I reviewed it somewhere on this site. It works for me. I took my last dose back in March when Sports Bottle and I got severely intoxicated in Milwaukee. I hadn't really gotten completely plowed (or at least planned ahead to get severely plowed) since. Seeing as drinking season begins in earnest on Friday, I looked in the trusty spot in the grocery store for my elixir. They didn't have it. This was a few weeks back, and I didn't worry that much, because sometimes a grocery store is out of shit. This Saturday, I was out and about running errands and what not, and I figured I would pick up some hangover cure, knowing full well I was going to need it twice this weekend. The grocery store still didn't have it. The Target next door didn't have it. I thought, "Well, shit, Walgreen's has EVERYTHING. They will have it, and I'll pick up two packs for good measure." Out. The Shopko Express down the street from my house. Out. The next day, while we were out visiting mothers, I made stops at a CVS, another Walgreens, a Wal-Mart (against my better judgment) and Festival Foods. None of them has it. I've come to the conclusion that this miracle cure probably killed 5 or 12 teenagers who OD'ed on it and it caused their hearts to explode. And now it appears it has been discontinued. Fuck. Me. This is like learning that they stopped making Vodka. I don't know what to do. I could order it online, but I would never get it in time for this weekend, and probably not for next weekend either. Plus they are raping people like triple the price.

So I am imploring anyone who I know that might be married to someone with some type of degree in the drug dispersion trade, that may or may not have ties to some underground shit, to see if she is aware of a way for me to get it before Friday. Or if there is any similar cure/concoction/combination of similar type drugs that I can take to cure what is going to happen to me on Saturday and Sunday morning. Not as worried about Saturday, because usually a screwdriver or eight takes care of a hangover, but that really isn't an option on Sunday. Eventually, I will have to not be drunk. Please post said cures in the comments. Or text/email me. I'm desperate. Thank you.

SHIT IN MY EYE 2010!!!

I've been going to Shit in My Eye since 2001 I believe. With off years for various graduations and such. I'm guessing this is like my sixth appearance. Taking off at noon, hoping to get down by 3, drinking by 3:01, drunk by 4, going for random walks by 8, blacked out by 9.

For those that are curious what the point is, here is Wikipedia. But all that shit is sort of meaningless. What it means is that it is Oktoberfest light, in the spring time. Light generally because it is cheaper, it is in a smaller city, there are fewer bars and fewer people. Not light because we drink less. Because that isn't true at all. Other Syttende Mai thoughts:

Traditionally, one of our "crew" manages to piss someone in Schmock's family off, and someone cries. Usually it is the same person on both ends.

Schmock's dad often drinks all night and goes to work early the next morning. Sometimes with no sleep.

One time Schmock's dad saw a ghost.

One time Richard (who will be absent this year) almost died of a head explosion.

One time Schmock's dog DID die.

One time Sports Bottle almost got punched in his drunk face by his then girlfriend. He is no longer dating said girlfriend.

One time I shit on an abandoned semi trailer somewhere on the complete opposite end of town in the middle of the night. I was under aged. I had nothing to wipe with.

FNL Spoiler and Jody Gerut

First off, it had been so long since Friday Night Lights had been on TV, that I completely forgot what was happening. FNL went ahead and picked another sports movie cliche (after the Star QB gets paralyzed, racism, steroid use) by re-starting a dormant football program in the same city called "East Dillon" and making them into a rag tag bunch of losers, who, inevitably, are going to beat the rich/talented/evil doing Dillon Panthers. I rolled my eyes when I saw Coach Taylor's new team go out in mismatching jerseys on a dirt field, with only 18 players (one of which is the classic wrong side of the tracks, never played football, but can run a 4.2 40 from the police). But you know what? They pulled it off. It was a solid first episode. Plus they added another jailbait high school chick whose drunk/whore mother banged Riggins, and who has replaced Tyra. If you haven't seen the show, go rent the first two seasons, and start DVRing the new one. It is a great fucking show. Also, be aware that I've clearly been tricked into watching a teeney-drama/soap opera, because they threw in a bunch of football stuff and pretty colors.

JODY GERUT

What? Look, I never thought Jody Gerut was terrible per se. More, not very good. And then he hit for the cycle. Of course, I missed it. Does anyone know if Jody is the first person with a female name to hit for the cycle? I demand answers.

And the Crew is all set to go ahead and get shut out today because they scored 17 runs again last night. Can we trade for Bill Hall today just so he can hit a homer with his pink bat?

Are the Crew approaching some kind of record? That is 17 or more runs for the THIRD time already. If we could just get like 6 runs a game, we would be really, really good.

THE WEEK AHEAD

Drinking season officially kicks off on Friday, May 14th, with Syttnde Mai. More to come.

The Claymaker Should Watch His Back

I made a joke after Clay Matthews was drafted that he may have been using PEDs (not funny). Here was a guy that barely got a college scholarship that ended up being a first round pick, and was ridiculously ripped. I have no knowledge of whether this is or isn't true. Plus, we all know that NFL players might take a few liberties here and there with what they put into their bodies, and nobody really cares.

Yesterday, Brian Cushing of the Houston Texans, the Defensive Rookie of the Year, was suspended for PED use. Not remarkable except that he was a college teammate of Clay Matthews at USC, and they played the same position, and it is a pretty good bet that they hung out a lot. You can see why this could be a bit concerning. Also, Google "Clay Matthews Steriods". As a Packer fan you will be horrified. So Clay, please make sure you are mindful of what happened, and don't get suspended, because the Pack needs you to play every game. Because Brady Poppinga sucks. Thank you.

In Pseudo-Defense of Lawrence Taylor

I should really start this with a disclaimer of some sort. I'm not exactly defending what LT allegedly did. One could make the argument that paying someone for sex is morally wrong. Especially when that somebody appears to be underage. And obviously, if this girl was forced into prostitution, or even if she wasn't I guess, it is a sad situation.

In order to make this pseudo-defense, I have to make some assumptions. First, we need to assume that LT paid to have sex with a prostitute, and that he did not know the prostitute was 16. Next, we need to assume that as far as he was concerned, the sex was consensual. As in, the woman didn't try to fight him off or say no, or whatever. These assumptions appear to be safe because of what he was charged with, and I had not heard any accusations of force.

Assuming those things, the media is treating LT unfairly. Every headline this week was "Lawrence Taylor charged with raping a 16 year old girl." 99.9% of America read that headline and had the same reaction I did: "Holy shit. LT was either a) hanging out at one of his kids post prom parties, got a girl drunk and forcibly raped her; or b) LT was hiding behind a dumpster at a high school and forcibly raped a girl against her will." To the average American, that is what you think when you hear the word RAPE.

In legal terms, he was charged with statutory rape, which is essentially having sex with someone that isn't legally old enough to consent. There is not an element of force, and there is not an element that you actually know how old the girl was. If he did what he is accused of, then technically he is a rapist.

To me, there is a HUGE difference between what LT allegedly did which was paying for a prostitute that he had no actual knowledge of her age, and forcing someone to have sex against her will.

Again, I'm not saying he didn't probably commit a crime, or that it was stupid, or in the case of the girl, probably tragic. I just wish the media would stop using the word RAPE, without explaining the details. Because people aren't generally very smart.

As a side note, LT was the best defensive player on Tecmo Bowl, and I once had 100 sacks and 80 INT in a season with him. And he once cut a SUV in half with a large saw on "Any Given Sunday".

Will Ferrell and the Nashville Sounds

Apparently Mr Ferrell made a guest appearance at a Nashville Sounds game the other night. Here's a video of his shenanigans. I'm a fan.

I Ate This

I'm not kidding. Oh, and I also ate about a million Cajun fries with it. The above monstrosity is a "regular cheeseburger" with toppings "all the way" (minus mayo) from "Five Guys Burgers and Fries". I finished it about five minutes ago, and I'm a little bit lightheaded. I can't decide if it was the best or the worst burger I've ever had. I think I'm leaning towards best. For those of you who haven't been there (and I'm pretty sure they have these in larger cities, so you may have, but I just had my cherry popped because this just opened in Green Bay last week so humor me), here are my initial reactions:

-Location is either horrible or great. It is right on Oneida St. off of the Hwy 41 exit. But I personally never go on this part of Oneida St. so it must suffer traffic wise v. mall location.

- You walk in and you see huge stacks potato sacks and peanut oil. Oh, and boxes of in-shell peanuts that you can eat while you wait, as if you needed to eat before what you eat in that picture.

-It is similar to a Chipotle or Qdoba in that there are like 8 things on the menu, and it is made fresh when you order. You pretty much get a regular or little burger, cheeseburger or bacon cheeseburger, regular or large regular/Cajun fries. My bill was $8 for a regular cheeseburger (which somehow has two patties) and Cajun fries. "All the way" is ketchup, mustard, lettuce, tomato, pickles, fried mushrooms and fried onions.

-The kitchen is open like at a Subway or whatever, and you can see the 13 employees gather 'round to make your burger. They literally put the unfrozen patty on the griddle when I ordered it, which is nice.

-Lots of white trash in the building, which may be redundant for the place I call home.

-It took about 3 minutes to get that thing made. I looked online and figure I inhaled about 1,500 calories.

-They put your order in a bag of medium-ish size whether it is here or to go. They put your regular fries in a normal size cup, and your burger in the bag. And then the FILL THE FUCKING BAG WITH FRIES. It is insane. And they are like fresh cut potato fries too.

-I'm generally not a big burger guy going out. I feel like I can make my own better, which is pretty unusual for any food. The notable exception is Kroll's.

-For what it is (fast casual or whatever) it is goddamn good. It is basically the Chipolte of burger restaurants, which is a huge compliment since I love Chipotle. I just like burritos more than I like burgers.

-CONCLUSION: I'm a little bit overwhelmed right now (I just took a dump post-Whitney Center style. UW-L shout out!!). It isn't the type of place I would go to on a regular basis because a) contrary to popular belief, I'm not a pig; b) It is SO much food; c) Given a choice of going out for bad food fast, I'm probably still going pizza or burritos; d) it is really far from my house, and I'm lazy. With that said, I would go back. I would like to play around with toppings. They offer such things as: hot sauce, jalapenos and A-1 sauce. Maybe if I didn't need the help of my pet midget Al to help me hold the burger, I would like it even more.

On a scale of McDonald's (the worst restaurant on the planet) (1)to Black & Tan (where I've had my best meal ever) (10), I would put it at a 6.5, which is a step below Chipotle, and a step above Culver's. But I think there is potential to get it up to Chipotle range. I bet if I was drunk it would be even better.

Do They Make a Pill for This?

The Milwaukee Brewers have schizophrenia. And I'm honestly not trying to make light of the real disease, which is probably horrible. Maybe they are bi-polar. I dunno. The point is, the Brewers don't seem to know either, which is causing them to play horribly.

Sometimes the starters get shelled, and we all blame that.

Sometimes the bullpen blows a lead, and we all blame that.

Sometimes, we can't hit, and we all blame that.

The Crew is running out of things to blame. Perhaps they aren't that good. As a broad generality, I say that good teams usually don't have this many things go wrong in the first 25 games. And I'm saying this without any stats to back it up. I wish someone would prove me wrong. Sometimes good teams will go through long stretches where a lot of stuff goes wrong, and they figure it out and go on to win. But I just can't fathom a really good, playoff caliber team, that has things go this outrageously wrong with so many different things over the course of this short of a period of time. Its not like when the starters are bad, we lose 6-5. It is 9-3. When the bullpen blows leads, it is a three run lead, and it is three days in a row. When we can't hit, we get shutout 3 out of 4 games, and the game where we do score two runs, one comes on a homer from our pitcher. Things just seem to be getting out of hand.

We already are 7 games behind St. Louis, who has the champagne on ice for their divisional championship celebration on June 3rd. According to coolstandings.com, the Cards have a 77% chance of winning the division. The Brewers have a 4% chance.

Deep Breath. On to the bright side.

We are 25 games into a 1,573 game season. So it is early. And other "good" teams are sucking balls too. And they won't ALL be bad, right? Boston is 11-14 in a much tougher division. The Angels are 12-14. Atlanta is 11-4. The Dodgers are 11-14.

Prince can't possibly be this bad all year.

And if Prince is this bad all year, we can either a) resign him long term or b) convince some team to trade him for a bunch of stuff. But seriously if he sucks this year, he fucks every plan the Brewers are working on right now.

Hoffman will probably figure it out. Right?

Yo.

Rick Peterson's coat can continue to cover up what I imagine is a chest hair fro. (Dude, take off your jacket. It is 70 degrees.)

IN CONCLUSION, if Milwaukee ever needed a day off it is today. They should enjoy their day off in either San Diego or L.A., Ryan Braun can have some sort of red carpet event for whatever he is trying to sell today. I say it is a merkin. My wife says his mouthguards. Either way, he will definitely be in US Weekly this week.

AS AN ASIDE, I was watching the Kentucky Derby on Saturday and saw A-Rodg get interviewed on "Millionaire Row", and he was wearing a douchie fedora and a gray suit. But it was A-Rodg so it was awesome. In the past two weeks I've seen pictures of him in Vegas, and now drinking mint juleps with trophy whores in Kentucky.

Do or Die

Well, today is put up or shut up time for the Deer. Game 7. Can the Bucks figure out how to make a basket? Will they realize that Al Horford can't guard Brandon Jennings? Will Jennings and Salmons drive to the hoop on switches rather than settling for jumpshots? Will David Stern allow a Bucks victory (see 2001 Eastern Conference finals)? Lots of questions to be answered. Noon. ABC. Winner gets to see Dwight Howard put up 30 and 20 against them four times.

In another do or die situation, Hoffman came in and looked not terrible, an inning after Hawkins cam in and looked not terrible, an inning after Yo did his best Yo impression single handedly getting a win with pitching and an HR. Is it just me or do the fans in San Diego (at least last night) not completely understand baseball? They were raining boos on EVERY call, good and bad against the Padres, after Adrian Gonzalez and Bud Black got kicked out for complaining about a pitch right down the middle. Finally, does anyone understand why Craig Coshun does a bunch of Brewer games in place of Brian Anderson? Is Anderson on TBS on weekend? Does anyone care?

Sports Bottle's God

On some website this is what a guy posted, "Today, after church, my 5-year-old son asked me about God, so I answered his questions in full. We talked about God for over 2 hours. At the end of it all, he pondered for a moment, before saying to me 'That's the stupidest thing I ever heard. You're dumb.'"

God bless.